I love my Mum and dad and I could never blame them for my troubled life. Mum brought all seven of us up on her own. Well not all on her own, dad was there but mostly at work. We needed all the money we can get. Dad used to work at a factory close to home. I didn’t really like where they worked, it just wasn’t fare you work long hours and you only get paid enough for 1 meal. There were seven of us to feed. Sometimes we used to rely on our cousins to help us out. But they were only nice when my dad was their. When he wasn’t there they all had a dark nasty secret. We call them cousins but they just bullies. Mum never talked about her past. But I knew it wasn’t good every day looking at her sad face. It ripped my heart out. My sisters loved my cousins, evertime they were here they were like very special people known as VIP. Everything would be put in front of them. But no way I was talking to them after what I heard. Am always on my mum’s side, I love her. My grandad I loved no matter, I was their little princess. After school one day I saw my mum crying. I wanted to hug her but she told me to go straight up. She was talking to my grandad about her past. I knew it as I was walking I kept looking back. She watched my every step and made sure I closed the door behind me. Inside the room I was so keen on knowing what made her so upset. With my hands I tried opening the door very gently. Trying not to make a noise, when the door opened a tiny bit I could hear my mum talking. She was talking out loud and it was not good. The cousins that everyone admired hurt my mum.

My mum got married in Pakistan and then came to England with my dad. When they first came here they didn’t have a house so they had to share with my cousins. Whenever my dad went to work it was judgement time for my mum. My cousins who are big and you would expect more of used to bully my mum. They use to always get her into trouble and pull her hair and throw cold water on her. When my mum tried telling my dad he never believed it and used to think she was lying. No one believed her or helped her. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. She was telling my grandad how she felt when no one would believe her. From all people I would expect my grandad to help her. Once her in laws told her to cook dinner. As she went to the kitchen she didn’t know that they had followed her. She was cooking saag an Asian dish known as spinach. When she left the dish to cool down they had gone in and poisoned it. They had put loads of water and salt in. When she had come back in she put it on the plate ready for serving. She was so happy that she cooked something but didn’t know what my cousins had done. When all my cousins threw it out their mouth she was so embarrassed. She just didn’t know what had gone wrong. My Auntie juts stared pulling her from the ear and taking her to the kitchen. She started shouting and swearing at her. If she didn’t know how to cook then why did she waste all the food
She said. My cousins didn’t even think about telling the truth but laughed along with everyone else. My Auntie felt embarrassed and didn’t let me back in the room. She left me in the dark and cold. I was so scared but no one would listen everyone thought I was lying. Why would I lie? When my husband used to come back from work he used to be the same. They would always play tricks on me and I never liked it. Once when it was snowing and I was pregnant they kicked me out the house. I had no where to go, I was really cold and lonely. Luckily for me this women lived a street away knew what I was going threw and let me in. She was like a mum to me. I wished I had my own mum but she was in Pakistan and I couldn’t get to her. I could never talk to her on the phone because they were watching. She would give me something warm to eat and drink. She would let me stay in her house for how ever long I wanted, but I had to go back or I would be in more trouble. They would never believe me if I said I stayed over at some women’s house. At this time now I had closed the door behind me and I was sitting on top of the stairs. It was dark so my mum couldn’t see me. She was crying so much half her scarf was nearly wet. She was begging my dad to get his own house but he couldn’t afford it. Everyday was so hard I wish I was dead I don’t know how I managed. Without that woman I don’t know where I would be. She was kind, loving and caring. The door slammed open, it was my sisters and brothers they had come back from school. My mum quickly wiped her tears. I wiped mines to and quickly ran into the room. I couldn’t believe that happened to my mum. There was a lot more to find out but my mum didn’t want my little to brother to see her upset.

Downstairs everything looked normal. My mum was happy again. She was cooking tea. Sitting around the table I kept looking at her. She was wiping her eyes she was crying again. I wanted to go up to her but I didn’t know what to say. Why was life so hard for my mum she didn’t deserve it. My dad came and sat on the table. They never asked us about school, they were always quiet. My dad past wasn’t so good as well they lost their arm whilst working in the factory. They work so hard just for us to have the life they never had. After the factory was closed dad went to work as a taxi driver, morning and night working just for us. I didn’t like my dad being a taxi driver. I used to be so scared when they use to work at night. My mum told me a story about this man she told my dad to. Let me see if I can remember it. There was this taxi driver he was working at night. He went to the pub to pick some lads up that had been a bit drunk. The lads wanted to be dropped off outside this building. When the taxi driver got there had he had known he was going to die tonight. The lads kicked and punched his head. They took all his money that he worked hard for. Every morning and night working hard just to provide for his family, but what do some idiots do take his innocent life. They stabbed him in the neck and face several times, they made sure that he had a miserable dead. When he suffered enough they wanted to give him more so they drove the car over him. They laughed and didn’t have a care in the world. The worse thing was they left him to die. Imagine dying the idea scares you. Some hooligans think its funny making some one suffer. The mother only had one son and they took it all away. They don’t even think what affect it will have on the family. My mum used to always wait for my dad. When he was at home and she knew he was safe, she would then go to bed. You can’t even be your own boss just listen to others “you have to come to work now” who do they think they are. They never gave my dad a day off. We suffer if we don’t have our holidays. But they don’t have a choice taxi drivers. They would ring you when you would be a sleeping or eating and tell you to come to work straight away. They didn’t care about your problems. That’s how it was with my dad. On Eid when it’s the time to enjoy it the most with your family. My dad gets a call that they have to go work. Looking in their eyes I knew they didn’t really want to go but they had no choice. The boss was always rude on the phone. But my dad is a nice person they would never say anything bad about anyone. My dad always dreamed of having other jobs but they were scared. They wanted to have their own restaurant and farm. But they just weren’t good enough to make that happen that’s what they thought. They didn’t have a lot money like everyone else. They were just shy and scared. Dad used to work long hours. They would work all night and then come home at 7 in the morning. I used to always be scared when they were out. I used to be a wake when they used to come, I would always be happy when I heard their car parking up. But it was a day after another and then another worrying. I hated their job. Every hour they would just earn £2.60. I always felt guilty. As I was the second oldest it was my job to help out. But I just didn’t know what I could do. I wanted to be a writer but everyday I would try but get no where. I love writing I could write all day. Sometimes I would do it and know nothing good will happen. But I wanted to get something out of it, I wanted to be rich and give my mum and dad the life they never had.

When I left school life was a mess, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I knew I had to choose fast. I wanted to do well and help my mum and dad. My grades weren’t that good. I could never revise at home. When I hit year 11 the teachers used to always ask do you have a place where you could revise at home. No I had 2 bedrooms and there were nine for us. How could I revise? My sister had one room all to her self. She used to always moan and cry so my mum let her have her own room. She was at college she needed a room for all her work. The other room was more like a family room we were all cramped up. But how could I tell them my parents would get into trouble and it wasn’t them to blame. Downstairs was noisy to so I could never revise, upstairs there was always some one in the room. The room we had all shared was always dirty there was damp on the ceiling and no space to put anything. I used to revise sometimes but I found it really hard. I used to miss dinner so I could go to the library and revise. I wanted to do well, I tried my best everyday. But I was just not good enough. I used to lie in school that I had my own bedroom; my friends could never come around because this bedroom never existed. Their bedrooms were real my friend Nila her bedroom was massive. She had glowing lights and everything pink. Her parents were so rich and they gave her whatever she wanted. There were 7 of us we couldn’t have what ever we wanted it was just too much. But her she was treated like a princess. She never asked to come to my house that’s what I liked about her. I wanted to be so successful. I wanted to give my mum, dad, sisters and little brother everything they ever wanted. But how could I do that. I needed someone to help me but did not know where to go or what to do.

When I left school I was so desperate to get a job. I applied for different jobs but I just didn’t seem to get any replies. Sometimes I would get ignored the other times it was a no. I tried so hard but nothing worked. At college I was going to study level 3 childcare. I didn’t go to any posh college it was a normal horrible one. I used to always be asked what college I used to go to I was always embarrassed to say. Outside my college there was another college getting built. It was called Blue six form, I could never apply for that I was just stupid. All my friends were going to go their. They wanted me to come but my grades weren’t good enough I knew. I so wanted to go so one day I took my grades and applied. I was then called in they told me I couldn’t come to the college because my grades weren’t good enough. I was so upset when I was turned away, it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t do better. I wished they understood me I would try so hard if they took me in. but they won’t care about all the reasons behind my life that have stopped me from achieving my dream. I was so confused when I left school. I was doing something that I didn’t want to do to. Childcare that’s not me I wanted to be something bigger and make my parents proud. At school teachers used to always ask what do you want to be in the future. Just to get them off my back I used to say I want to be a teacher. But really I didn’t know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. I only knew that I had to make my mum and dad life better. I want to give them everything they ever wanted. I want to buy my dad a big restaurant and a farm. And my mum just to give her everything and see the look on my cousins face. We don’t need them anymore. We don’t need anyone. My brother always asked me for a bike. Every birthday I couldn’t get him anything. I only have one brother and I wanted him to have everything. It would be so good giving him everything.

I never enjoyed my self in college. It’s like I knew I shouldn’t be there and I could do better. But I knew what I wanted to do; I used to dream about it every night. I wanted to be a writer; I wanted the front pages of books to have my name on it. I wanted to make movies. I wanted to get married to my boyfriend. I wanted to get out the council house. But I was just scared to try thinking I would get turned away. At school I met this boy he was the most gorgeous boy ever. I was in year 10 when I had my first crush it was so real. When I saw him I said he’s the one am going to marry him. He was one year bigger than me but that didn’t stop me. I loved him; evertime he walked past the smell of his fragrance was gorgeous. The best thing was we were close as a family. My mum knew his mum really well. When we used to talk all my worries went away, I didn’t think about a single thing. It was like I was someone different. I always wanted to tell him how I felt, but I was so scared. I used to always say am going to tell him tomorrow but then it was too late. He found someone else without thinking how I would feel. I wanted him to be mines. I wanted him so badly. Everyday in school I used to see them together. I used to get so upset sometimes I just wanted to cry. Why do bad things have to happen to me? Every morning he would say hi to me I found it so hard to reply back, accept him with another girl was hard for me. How could I be happy, how could I tell him we were meant to be. He never cared he would kiss her in front of me when we were out. Life was hard but it got even harder, I struggled each day. Everyone used to talk about them like they were meant to be. No one cared about me, or how I was feeling. After long days of misery I finally got over him. Actually what was really good I didn’t care about him anymore? I think about it know it seem to just be a stupid crush, he can’t have been my real love. No way, my real love would come one day and it was true.

At school I found year 10 really hard. Everyone was talking about GCSE’s and the future. I couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I needed my six week holidays quick. Holidays were all right. We would never go anywhere fancy we couldn’t afford it, we just stayed home. When it used to be sunny outside used to always go out and play. Asian girls are not meant to go out dad used to say. They need to stay home and learn how to cook. Look at your cousin she can do it; she’s always in. who stays home on their holidays. I used to love going out in the sun. But I would be scared when my dad saw me out. When I used to see my dad I used to always hide. I used to go to my friends so they couldn’t see me. Outside made me feel so much better then staying in a crowded house I used to love the fresh air and the freedom. My excuse for going out was my little brother and sister; I had to look after them. My brother used to love it when he was out, he loved the fresh air. He could run around without knocking anything over. Asian girls are not allowed out they have to stay home. Most of the girls around my end where only allowed out because of their younger siblings. They would cry to go out then they would have no choice then take them. Most of them loved it wished that they never grow up and stayed small, so they can take them out. In the summers I found it really hard sleeping. Sometimes I used to have sleepless nights and wish for the morning to come quick, then I could go out. Sleeping in a room with 9 people and a little window was not good. I used to get so warm at night. It felt like standing near the sun. It used to be worse for my mum she had to share a single bed with my brother. In the morning she would be in pain, sometimes her back would hurt the other times it was her leg. My dad used to sleep downstairs which was even uncomfortable. Every morning I would go downstairs and tell them to go up because I couldn’t watch them suffer. It was horrible. My mum brought a fan once but it wasn’t any good. It used to still be warm at night. Really warm sometimes I used to find it hard to breathe just wanted to take all my clothes off. My little brother who was 5 never moaned about anything but I knew this is not what he wanted. He always wanted a Ben 10 sofa but he could only have that when he had his own room. There was no room to put anything. In the room their used to be a bump bed, sleeping on the top used to be Saima the third youngest. On the bottom there was kiran and Sana sharing a single bed. Kiran used to be squashed to the wall so she found it difficult every night but never moaned about it. My bed was a camp bed which wasn’t good for my back. Mum said “another bed will not fit”. So I had to manage with a little one. Every morning I would have back aches but not once I said anything. I did not want my parents to worry. If my dad could sleep on the sofa I could sleep on a rough bed.

All my life I wished I could just have everything. I wish I could just bump into someone that could understand me. Someone that knows what am going through. There was some happiness in my life. I was always called use less from my family. Sometimes I agreed use to punish myself because it was so true. I could never do something good with myself I could always see it in the teachers eyes they all thought I would be a failure and I guess it was true. I can see my self in the future finishing school not having a job, doing something that I didn’t want to. Every night I would think about the future and be scared. I was only good at one thing dreaming. I use to dream about lots of things. But I could never make them happen, can’t even right them down without making a mistake. I used to see myself writing scripts for a film. Everyone looking up to me, me telling others what to do, I had some good ideas. I used to love drama in school. That’s the one thing that I enjoyed the most, being someone else, playing their role. My teacher used to like my ideas; she used to always say am a hard worker. I always wanted my play to be the best, and then I could be proud of myself. My dad didn’t really want me to do drama. They use to say learn how to sew clothes. But I didn’t like doing that. I found it boring in school just sitting down in one place with a piece of cloth in my hand. They use to always think about our future and worry. Their 7 of us there is so much to do. Getting us married was one. I used to hate thinking about marriage. Who wants to get married just stay single and you’ll be happy. They use to always hear my cousins problems which made them even more worried. “She married with 4 kids and now divorce what is she going to do” said dad. I mean if you get married to the right person then that won’t happen will it. Who gets married to someone in Pakistan when you don’t even know them. I mean how stupid is that, boys from their just want a passport just to come to England they don’t really care about you. I hated it when my parents used to talk about marriage. I used to just walk away and go up.

There was some happiness in my life, seeing my dad happy when they use to go on small holidays. Nothing big just back home to Pakistan. I wish I could take my family around the world but that was impossible. Dad used to like going Pakistan. Their mum was buried their, so they use to like going and paying their respect. I been their once didn’t really know what I was doing. When I was in year six I went Pakistan. I didn’t really want to go because I thought my end of year party was more important. I didn’t want to miss the trip or the party. But dad goes it doesn’t matter and there will be other parties. I guess that was true. I was excited about trying something new. I was told my 2 younger sisters were coming. I didn’t really know how we could afford it. But dad always wanted us to see the city they were raised up in before they came to England. I was excited as I wanted to know there past. I was scared for my mum she would be all alone. If anything happened what would she do, she didn’t know English well so she couldn’t ask for help. My younger brothers and sisters couldn’t help her because they were 2 young. She always stayed strong and used to say she will be all right. Never believed it because I know when she was lying. She would do this thing and keep touching her nose. The only thing she didn’t need to worry about was my dad working late. He won’t be working if he was on holiday.

When I was at Pakistan I never wanted to come back. It was the best experience ever. Some people go to many holidays but I only ever been to one and I loved it. It was something different and took my mind of stuff. My dad enjoyed themselves and I had never seen them so happy. Every morning they would be the first to wake up with a big smile on their face. After they got ready they used to wake us up and make us breakfast. It was always tea with plain bread. It was never nice. My mind was always on chips. I used to love cutting potatoes and then eating them when they were made. Whatever we wanted they would make. My sisters didn’t really like it. Kiran used to always moan. I want to go back. Once when she was cutting up the weeds, I sat down next to her once and told her to enjoy it just for dad, look how happy they are. She used to always give them a hard time. But never once she thought about them. Every morning our dad used to take us out and tell us stories. Once they told us a story about the mango tree. When they were young they used to sit near the tree and wait for their friends. When they friends came they used to play cricket. There was this old woman near that barn that used to chase us down with her stick. I used to like listening to my dad stories they used to end up in laughing so much. Seeing them happy made me feel better. I used to always say I want to do well and give them and mum the best life ever. But I was scared if they thought I was a failure. They raised us up and it was time to give something back. Time for me to do something good.