"You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you." -Demitria Lovato (I really Don't Care ft. Cher Lloyd)




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I had a cute little six year old crush on a boy who was seven. I knew him because he was my step dad's nephew. So technically we were step-cousins. I remember being in my step-aunts hallway with him, my other step-cousins hissing at him, "Do it!"
He was shy, and so was I, but we were looking each other confidently in the eye. He was grinning and I remember feeling like my face was hot. Then he lurched forward, and I was scared, so I moved out the way. Since I moved, he only got to kiss my cheek with his wet, seven year old lips. I remember wiping off my cheek,feeling grossed out. cooties.
But my six year old self that lived in Boston still liked his seven year old self that lived in the Bronx, and we barely saw each other.
Its funny, because my reaction to my first almost-kiss was the same as my reaction to my first real-kiss. I was eleven and had just come back from New Hampshire. July third, the day before my favorite day, the fourth. I had liked this boy named JJ, half Irish, half Puertorican, for a whole year. He lived in the projects down the street from my house. I remember telling my mom I liked him. I remember her telling me we were perfect for each other. we were both chubby with round faces and brown hair and brown eyes. But his eyes were lighter than mine, more beautiful.
My sister had snitched on me, told JJ my secret. I remember sitting on the porch chairs with my mom (which we dragged over to the sidewalk). we had this portable table in between us, playing a board game. my older sister was sitting on the porch with her boyfriend who was best friends with JJ. JJ appeared around the corner and while my mom and i were playing board games, she was telling him all. Shes a b****, I know. But that led into him asking me out and when I had my first kiss. Ever.
A few years later, when I was fourteen and he was fifteen, we slept over my cousin Anayla's house. I was thrilled, having feelings for him and all. Since there weren't any grown-ups to watch our every move and a cousin we both trusted, we became ourselves. We laid side by side on the bed, covered in white sheets. His fingers laced with mine, our feet playing. We almost never interrupted the silence, because it was comfortable. Comfortable to just look one another in the eye. and dream. maybe just dream. that one day, some day. we would get married.

*

Of course, the thought was ridiculous! We were step-cousins!! But we were perfect, for each other. I believed that he could possibly be my soul-mate. Stupid, fourteen-year old me. When he left to go back to New York, he didn't say bye. I wish he did. I was planning on planting my lips on his for the very first time. But he left, without a word. At first, I thought that it was maybe because I didn't matter much to him, maybe i'd been dreaming that he felt the same way as I did. But then I thought maybe it'd hurt too much for him to say goodbye. And then it dawned on me. I remember him saying something earlier that day that he was nervous about us. us. Nervous that our family would think we were crazy, stupid, childish. And then, maybe, that's why he hadn't said goodbye. He didn't want to show anyone he cared. And deep inside, it hurt. And I knew it hurt him too.
On my fifteenth birthday, Jerrick didn't call. Although the next month, my mother called to ask him if he'd like to be my partner in my quinceanero. My quinceanero was two months after the day he said yes, and when we slow danced together, me in my teal puffy dress, him in a tux and teal tie, it felt like we were the only two people in the hall. With lights gliding over our faces, and him hiding his nose in my neck as he kissed my collar-bone. Yet i could also feel every eye on us. I could hear every aw. yet I didn't care. Cause he was holding me, after a year. And I was holding him.

*

The day after my quince, my hair was still curled and my cheeks still glowed. Then Jerrick asked me out on a date. There's a mall not well known half a mile from my house. There's a Friendly's across the street from there, and that's where we were going. He couldn't pick me up, I knew that. Wouldn't want to get caught. So i walked, shivering though it was mid-June. I was grinning stupidly, walking in peach shorts and a white, loose blouse. When I got there, he was waiting there in Khaki's and a gray t-shirt. i hugged him tight and he laughed in my ear. Then we pulled away, walked in, and he asked me how I was.

After dinner, we walked back to my house, on the way there, we stopped at a playground that was deep into a field, with dark trees to conceal us. We were competing on the swings, seeing who can go higher, laughing our heads off. When I won, I jumped off and felt the wood chips underneath me cascade all around, as my feet were planted firmly onto them. Then i rolled onto the ground giggling and he came after me, and straddled me playfully. He cupped my face and kissed me sweetly on the lips. Goosebumps rose over my arms as I cupped his face also and kissed him back. He pressed himself onto me, my heart beating faster, as the kiss deepened. I open my mouth to take a breath, and right after; his gentle tongue caressed mine. I moaned softly as he pressed himself closer to me.

"We should get out of here," He whispered, his breath heavy at my neck. He left a trail of kisses down my collar-bone but started getting up.

I sighed and stood, and he held my hand on the way back to my house.

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" I asked him a block away from my house.

"Yeah, the hotel's only about six blocks away," he said while looking into my eyes.

I pouted and clutched his shirt near his waist and pulled him closer. "Can I walk you halfway?"

He laughed and pecked my lips once. "I'll be fine, just get yourself home. I'll text you once I get there."

I hugged him tightly and sighed. "Will we ever get to tell our family what we are?" i whispered.

He kissed my neck. "I don't know, but if we do; I bet that they won't be very supportive. And if they aren't very supportive... they'll probably try to keep us apart."

My heart sunk and I bit my lip to hold back tears.
A month had passed, Jerrick and I continued to communicate long-distance by text. And sometimes on the phone. Then the next month, he suddenly stopped answering my texts. Didn't talk to me. I was so nervous as to what had happened.

Did his parents figure us out? Is his phone just disconnected? Did his phone break and he doesn't have enough money to afford a new one?

And worse; Is he dead?

No, if he was; I would've heard about it.

But worse than that; Is he tired of our long-distance relationship?

I couldn't believe I'd let that slip into my mind. He... he couldn't.

***

The bus rocked and my eyes drooped. It was five in the morning and we were leaving Boston right then. I yawned as i looked over my shoulder at my mom and step-dad. Her head was rested on his shoulder, his cheek resting on the top of her head. A light snore coming from them both. I sighed and closed my eyes. Letting the bus drive me to sleep. Drive me to New York.

I tapped my foot impatiently on the carpeted floor of my step-grandmother's house. She has psychic abilities so i was crossing my arms so that she couldn't read me. I love her to death, she's so amazing. She reminds me of home, back in Puerto Rico.

"Mira, mama, puedes ir a la tienda y comprame dos mangos?" she asked my mom to go to the store for her. Uh-oh. I know what this is. No. Please.

"I can go with her," i said, standing.

"No, it's okay. Stay here, you look tired from the drive here," my mom said. And with that, she left.

"She has a point," my step-grandmother said. "You look tired, bags under your eyes. But those bags don't look like they're just from today." She rummaged around in the kitchen before sitting beside me on the couch she had had for years. "Tell me, what worries you?"

I peeked shyly into her eyes that were soft and care-free. I bit my lip and crossed my arms tighter.

"You're in love," she told me.

My head snapped in her direction and then I knew. She knew everything. I sighed and let my arms drop.

"I don't know with who, but i'm starting to see someone. And you don't get to see him much."

I nodded quickly and shivered. Her apartment was always air-conditioned.

"And you think something has happened to him?"

I nodded. "Uh, yeah. I haven't been able to talk to him and i'm scared."

She nods and closes her eyes.She winces and gasps softly.

"you okay?" i asked.

She opens her eyes. "Don't be worried about your relationship with him," she said. "If two people are truly in love, nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if you two are females or both are males, doesn't matter if you both are cousins," she had whispered that last part, and smiled at me, wrinkles forming near her eyes. "Let start lunch," she had said sweetly, squeezing my fingertips.

I helped her with the tacos as my mom cut the mangoes and some other fruits.

After lunch was made, we ate, and i was still impatient. Jerrick and his parents were supposed to be joining us. But they weren't there. My step-dad wasn't even there.

And that's when he rushed in, panting. Rushing over to get his phone that was on the charger and blurting out to my step-grandmother, "Jerrick's missing."