Four years later

I’ve already hit the snooze nine times now. Hell, I was awake enough to count. It was nine in the morning, and I was very much late for school. I figured I might as well stay home, but I had some things to take care of at the school. So, I lifted myself up and walked to the bathroom, attempting to shower like a normal human being.
After that, I wanted to shave, but I didn’t. I’d been growing out my beard for years, yet all I had was a stubble. I wiped the fog off the mirror as I brushed my teeth, seeing a grizzled younger man. There were dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was long and shaggy. I had a tie to put it in a ponytail, making the front of the hair look slicked back.
“Mercer?” My Dad said, knocking on the door.
“What?” I mumbled, spitting out my toothpaste.
“You going into school today?”
“Yeah.” There was silence. I heard my Dad’s footsteps creak on the hardwood floor as he walked away slowly. I finished brushing, washing my face over with hot water, and tying my hair back, throwing on some clothes for school.
My car was an older model, a 2001 Ford Eclipse. I hadn’t washed it since my Dad gave it to me for my sixteenth birthday. Hell, that was six months ago already.
“You should wash that thing,” My Dad said as I walked out to enter the car. I scoffed and shook my head. “I’m serious! Termites and s*** are gonna start growing in there!” I started the car and drove out, waving at him. I should clean it, I thought. After all, it was my mother’s car, and that held a special place in my heart.
On my way to school, I looked out at the winter snow scattered across the field. It had melted mostly in the hot week before, but now it dropped to the negatives, leaving all of us on the walks of life in the freezing cold. I felt like that everyday. Trapped, isolated. I never shaved because I never wanted to. This was me, and I had to accept it, and change for nothing.
Matt greeted me when I walked in the entrance, he was near the school’s little merchandise store.
“Hey!” he said, waving at me. I nodded and smiled.
“How are you, Matthew?”
“Good. Matthias is waiting for you,” he said, becoming serious.
“Why?” My face expressed confusion.
“Some deal went south over in Springfield. You’re gonna want to settle this.” Matt showed me the way to the cafeteria, where Matthias and Daniel were waiting.
Matthias was a bulky guy, dark-clothed with pretty-boy,  light brown hair. He looked on at Daniel with dark eyes, and a darker vision. Daniel was a more innocent, captain of industry type. His clothes were neat and professional, either grey or blue. His hair was black and slicked. He always reminded me of my father during his business-meeting days.
“Let’s get this over with,” I said, “Got a meeting later today in the city.”
“What meeting?” Matt asked.
“You’ll tag along. You’ll see.” I sat down in front of Dan and Matthias, Matthew sitting next to me.
“So,” I said, “What’s the beef?”
“These guys in Springfield wouldn’t budge,” Daniel said, speaking for Matthias, “Apparently some goons jumped him after the deal and took the money back from Matthias here.”
“Were they armed?” I looked over at Matthias, he looked down below the table, twiddling his thumbs.
“No,” Matthias said, “Well, they had a knife.”
“A motherf*ing knife?” I asked, exclaiming in disbelief.
“Mercer, calm down,” Matthew told me, resting his hand on my shoulder.
“You gotta go down there and take care of this, get your arms around it. Next time, make sure you bring a gun--and I don’t wanna hear any of that tactile s*** about knives! I don’t wanna hear it!” I pointed at Matthias for emphasis and leaned in. I stood up abruptly, Daniel shook his head and rubbed it, looking down.
“Matt, come with me,” I said. Matthias looked up and so did Matt.
“Which one?” Matthias asked.
“Matthew. If I wanted you, I would f***ing ask for you. I specifically refer to Matthew as Matt for that reason!” I stormed off, and Matt followed behind me. I knew Daniel and Matthias were trustworthy, and I knew what they were capable of as well. This was something I didn’t want to worry about, for I had more pressing issues. I took Matt into my car after school and we drove north, where the snowline ended in Illinois. We stopped in the middle of nowhere, and I counted my inventory on hand.
“Fifteen,” I said, typing it into the calculator.
“Twenty for the coke,” Matt said.
“Twenty? Didn’t Matthias take seven over to Spring?” I asked, confused and looking in disbelief.
“We got more inventory from the Brotherhood over the weekend,” he explained, “They’re growing more than ever now.”
“That means they’re gonna raise their prices, huh?” Matt nodded. I threw down the weed I was holding and rubbed my hair back. “Count the rest of the inventory at my apartment, I’ll be over there in a few hours.”
“You alright?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied, “Everything's’ fine. Just need some time for myself at the end of the day.” Matt patted me on the shoulder and looked at me deeply.
“I know,” he said, “Sometimes I feel like just lying forever.”
“That’s for the dead,” I said, “Right now we can’t afford that luxury. Just gotta make it the best we can.” Matt smiled.
“Does that mean selling half a million dollars a year worth of illegal product?” I laughed and turned away, opening the door.
“Absolutely,” I told him before closing the door. He rolled down the window.
“Where are you going?” he asked me.
“Out--” I threw him the keys, “--drop by the apartment and count it all, make sure my car gets back in one piece.” He held the keys gently in his hand, putting them in the ignition.
“Don’t you gotta be at your Dad’s?” he asked me.
“Yep. I’ll just tell him I was out at the library, studying.” I kept my apartment secret from my Dad, since he didn’t need to know about my outside activities. Usually I told him I was hanging out with Matt, or just studying. I made up for it by cheating to get good grades in school, and he’s never caught me dealing or using. Damned if I don’t do both.
Thirty minutes later, he was at my apartment, supposedly, and I caught an Uber to my favorite destination of all time. Or, well, just a memory of one now.
“Thanks,” I said to the Uber driver, waving and walking away.
“You sure this is the place?” he asked me. I nodded. He sighed and drove away. I made my way downhill through the brush. I swung my arm and made a path for me in the bushes. The snow atop some of the mounds fell off as I slashed them, creating a pale and brown colour mixed with the leaves that have fallen to the ground.
Then, I saw the lakeside. This was the same lakeside me and Elisa had resided all those years ago, playing in the bushes, and throwing stones in the lake. The lake was half-frozen, making a muddy and grey mess in the middle, as if the whole world were to be split apart by the oceans, creating a thunderous division of lands.
I let a teardrop fall into the water.
“This one’s for you,” I told her. I told Elisa, my perfect star. I closed my eyes and looked down, ignoring the sounds of nature and the brush beside me rustling in the howling wind of the cold winter. More tears fell, and they were all for her.
I wiped my eyes and took one last look at the lake, making my way back up the hill. Then, I walked. I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore and hitchhiked over to my apartment. Once I arrived, my shoes and pants were wet, I tried drying them off on the stairwell, but it was a futile attempt.
“Hey,” Matt said to me as I walked into the room.
“You park the car in the garage? Is it safe?” I asked, feeling slightly wired and on-edge.
“Yeah,” he said, “Don’t worry.” I went and sat on my bed. He sat at the desk next to it, counting the money and the product.
“Take a thousand for yourself, and a few grams of something,” I told him, lying down and crossing my legs, resting my hands near the back of my head.
“Thanks,” he said, “Sometimes the money can come in handy. I’m not into drugs really.” I looked at him with a humorous expression that said, “Are you kidding me?” He shook his head.
“You know what I mean,” he told me, motioning playfully for me to ”get out of here”.
He finished counting and took a thousand for himself, skipping the drugs.
“You’ll take this tomorrow?” he asked me, “Down to the place?” I nodded slowly.
“Stay here,” I told him, not even sure about my own decision. For some reason, an energy pulsed through my body. I blocked out images of Elisa, and tried to focus on right now. Matt looked at me, confused about my deep and serious expression.
“You’re Dad’s expecting you,” he said, nervous, “You need to go too--”
“Don’t tell me that. My whole life I’ve been ordering directly to that man.” I looked down. “I--I need someone else.” Matthew walked over and sat on the bed beside me.
“What’s wrong, man?” he asked. “You’re mood swings have been off the charts recently.”
“I miss Elisa,” I said, tears in my eyes. He stared at me, but then looked down. I looked down in unison with him.
“It’s a mystery,” Matt told me, his voice sounding thunderous in my quiet room.
“What is?” I asked, curious.
“Love. No one really knows that it exists, we just know that these are feelings. Love crumbles and falls eventually, and no one who loves is without sin.”
“Sin? Please, I’m not very religious,” I said. Matt laughed at me, and started rubbing my leg.
“Yeah,” he said, “We’re not all meant to feel guilty. Love is what brings people together, and also apart.”
“I still love Elisa,” I said, “I was never sure if she loved me.” I looked at Matt. He narrowed his eyes at me, rubbing the fabric of the jeans choking my legs. I exhaled sharply, and stared down at my leg.
“Matt,” I said, “I--I don’t know what to do. If she loves me, I don’t know.”
“It’s too late now,” Matt said, “We must do what lusts us. It’s what keeps us alive.”
“I don’t even know anymore,” I said. Matt kept rubbing my leg, and he got closer to my crotch.
“Matt,” I demanded. I held his hand and stopped him before he reached there. I looked up at him. My eyes were watery, and it was hard to stare at him, such a handsome young man.
“You don’t know,” he said. A tear left my cheek.
“I don’t know,” I repeated. I imagined the rocks skipping down the shore again. Elisa’s smile. Matt’s smile. His laugh made me feel the same way Elisa did. But I still loved her. I imagined this as our little rock skipping event.
I lifted my hand, and let his hand feel my lower body. A shock shot up my spine and the back of my head as he touched me for the first time.
“Matt,” I whispered. He grabbed the back of my head, I grabbed the back of his. We pulled ourselves closer, but kept our mouths and noses distant for a bit. We held each other there firmly, creating a seam of love between our bodies. There, we were bound together. I gained closer as he struggled pushing my head away. His face was red, and so was mine. We both stopped and exhaled sharply, and then we loved. Finally.
I didn’t even think about it. I just felt the lust. I just felt the need. And that night, the night me and Matthew made love, I felt more alive than ever. Just like that, Matthew became a bigger constellation in my sky of stars.
That night, I never made it home. But at the same time, I had. Me and Matthew found our home together, and we lusted in one another.
I remember smelling the outside winter, the crackling campfire below, and looking into the night sky, the stars twinkling, the pale moonlight lighting my bare body, and shining some onto Matt. I looked back at him and smiled.
There, I felt happy.
There, I felt complete.

I woke up abruptly in my apartment, no clothes on. Matt had left already, none of his stuff was in the room. I took the drugs and the money and shoved it into a nearby duffle bag. Zipping it up, I saw a note glistening in the sunlight behind it. I grabbed it and held it up, examining it.
“Hey, Mercer. Hope you had a nice sleep. I’m going into school today to take to Matthias, he said that he took care of the Springfield thing. I would like you to meet me at the back of the school during lunch. I have a surprise.
P.S. Your Dad seems pissed. Heard the voicemail this morning.
Love, Matthew.”

I dropped the note down, zipping the final zipper on the bag and holding it up, throwing it onto the floor. I threw on some of the clothes I left on the floor the other night. My jeans were stained with some of the fun from last night’s love. I tried scratching it off from the inside, but it was too dried out, and I gave up.
I went to the garage and got my car ready, driving over to my father’s house, not that far away. My Dad had a simple car, and he lived a simple life without my Mom. That’s what I found sad. What she left him would lead him through his life, but it would certainly never make it whole again.
I stopped the car in the driveway, he peered through the front window with a glass of alcohol. He hadn’t drank in years. I was infuriated, but probably not as upset as he was.
I walked in and he stormed over, shutting and locking the door as I swayed from its grasp.
“What happened?” he asked me, rather loudly.
“Nothing,” I said, “Had a late night, crashed at Matt’s.”
“I figured you would lie to me.”
“Dad,” I plead, “You’ve been drinking, please, set the glass down, and let’s talk about this.”
“I called Matt’s house, his mother hasn’t seen him either.” I stared in silence, scared of the recreation of my past father standing in front of me, flexed and ready to strike at me.
“If there’s something you wanna tell me,” he started, gritting his teeth, “now’s the time.” My heart pulsed faster, the beats sending nervousness all the way through my body. I didn’t know what to tell him. Lie to my Dad, or tell him the truth.
“Okay, me and Matt were at a party, we were drinking, a lot. Him and me didn’t want to come home, so we stayed. It’s that simple. I’m sorry, Dad.” His eyes welled up with sadness, and he stopped flexing his muscles, walking to the kitchen and sitting down at the table.
“No,” he said, “I am sorry. Your mother…” he stopped to take a drink. I sat down and watched him. “...she was the best. You know, I loved her more than anything. Sometimes people don’t understand what the loss of love could do to a person. You, disappearing, made me feel like I was losing that love again, just like Margaret.” He looked down in remorse. A tear drifted off his cheek. I tried shielding my eyes from crying, but it was nearly too much for me to handle.
“I loved her,” he cried, “Sometimes I know why, other times I just wanted to love her because of the mystery.”
“Love is no mystery, Dad,” I told him, “Two people know--”
“But it can happen with anyone,” he refuted, “Anyone can love anyone. It doesn’t matter who it is. Nowadays, a woman can fall in love with a woman, a man and a man, a man and a woman--it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, no matter the situation, we have feelings we just can’t stand. That’s how I felt about Margaret. You’ll never know what loss is like until you love someone more than you love anything else, including yourself.”
“You gave it all,” I whispered, “You did.” He shook his head, frustrated.
“Now these feelings are all I have,” he said, “It’s not my fault, though.” I shook my head.
“Of course not,” I said, “I--I don’t even know how you feel.”
“Just promise me...” He sank down further, taking another drink, the desperation in his voice climbed to impalpable levels. “...please promise me you won’t leave me.”
“I can promise you this: I will never leave you, along as I am alive and well. But for the duration of eternity, I have no choice in the matter. But I will love the mystery of love with you, as long as I can.”
He sobbed, leaning over to hug me. I embraced him, and I rubbed his head. I then took the drink away, and let him sleep, climbing back in my car to go to school, the snow in the field I pass by melted to the grassline now.
I looked on with sadness, but pressed on to leave.

Matthias greeted me, and told me there was a problem at the front entrance.
“What?” I asked him, in disbelief.
“Matthew,” he told me, “He was caught stealing the product we had in storage in the sports closet.”
“Are you f***ing kidding me?” Matthias shook his head.
Him and me marched over to the back of the school, where they had taken him. I saw the trail of blood leading up to where they had Matt slung.
“Matthias,” I said, following the trail of blood, “Clean up this mess, I don’t want anyone coming out here.”
“You got it!” Matthias said, hurrying out a towel that he seemed to materialize, and cleaning the spots of blood. I turned the corner of the far side of the school and saw Matt, lying on the floor, blood flowing from his mouth, Daniel standing over him with his sleeves rolled, and blood staining his shirt.
“Oh, hey, Mercer,” Daniel greeted me, “Sorry to interrupt your lunch period. This piece of s*** was caught in the sports room, stealing the bags we had in there. 20K and fifty pounds of product ready to ship, you believe that?”
“Wait,” I said, holding up my hand, “It’s lunch--what time is it?” Daniel flicked his wrist to expose his watch, checking the time.
“Twelve thirty o’clock,” Dan said. The cold wind gusted through, blood from Matt’s mouth splattered on the wall with the wind. I backed Dan away, kneeling in front of Matt.
“I’m...sorry,” Matt gargled.
“Get outta here, Dan. Gotta talk to my friend here,” I told Daniel, nodding at him and turning back to Matt as Dan ran off.
“Was this your surprise?” I whispered, wiping some of the blood from his ‘beaten to a pulp’ face. He nodded.
“I wanted...to leave th-this life.” I looked down and ran my fingers through my hair. I grabbed the back of his neck and gritted my teeth.
“You know what this does to me? What life is there to live without this? We got nothing--nothing!”
“Don’t be mad,” he mumbled, spitting out more blood to the side of him.
“You know what we have to do now,” Matthias said to me, walking over and shoving the rag of blood in his pocket. I turned and looked at him.
“Gimme a second,” I told him. Matthias stood behind me closely, c***ing a gun. I looked over at Matthew, staring at him deeply.
“You either take this life as you live, and you can be with me--be with all of us…” I looked down at the floor, then rose gently to face him.
“...or this is as far as we go.”
Matt had no more left in him. Matt looked at me as if I was an ass. I turned away from him, remembering the love we once had. For some reason, I felt something telling me to let it go. It was unnatural to want to deal with him now. Especially by how much further I wanted us to go.
“Okay,” he finally said, relieving me of a very unpleasant decision.
“Okay,” I told him, “Let Matt up, bring this stuff back--”
“You gotta be f***ing kidding me! This prick stole from us!” Matthias yelled, making the wrong decision as Matt ran off.
“It’s not your decision, goddammit! You’ve been handed these cards--and I am the boss here!”
“You better let me kill him when the time comes--”
“No! And I’m not gonna say it again--we have enough on our plates now. The last thing we need is a homicide!” Matthias walked away and scoffed with disgust, tossing me the rag to clean the bloody mess he left with Matt. I stared down at it, letting rain pour on me as the weather finally changed. No more snow. No more cold. I was relieved.
I walked inside later, explained what the noise was to the admin, the cops, what have it--I just wanted to get home and stop explaining myself to people who didn’t want me to explain anything anymore and, moreover, didn’t really care.
For some reason, though, someone caught my eyes. It was a tall, blonde girl walking the hallways. It was as if I saw her in slow motion, walking over towards me. She smiled at someone in the hall. I walked by her and we stopped, turning to each other. We walked to the side of the hallway and my eyes teared up as I realized who it was.
“Hey,” Elisa said to me. She looked even more beautiful now than she did four years ago. The maturity really sprung in her, and she looked better than ever.
“Hey,” I said to her, “Oh my God.” I held my mouth. “I cannot believe my own eyes.”
“Yep,” she chirped, brushing her pertinent blonde hair back and flashing her big, aquamarine eyes towards my gaze, “My parents got together again, and we decided to move back here so I can finish school and go to the Chicago Art Institute.”
“Really? That’s awesome, I--I don’t even know what to say, I’m so glad you’re here.” I looked at her as if I was staring at food. That impression always creeped her out.
“Heard you’ve made quite a name for yourself here,” she said. I nodded, ashamed of what I was on the inside, dealing these substances to kids who didn’t even need them.
“Yeah,” I muttered, “Not my proudest of places in life, but what are you going to do?”
“See you around?” she asked me.
“Yeah. You free at all tonight?”
“Tomorrow.” she flashed her beautiful, pink-lipped smile. I smiled back at her, and left the building. I repeated that word to myself until it came. But before then, I would go back to Matt. How would I explain Elisa’s return to him? How would he take it? I feel as if I shouldn’t tell him, but he would find out anyway, and think that I kept something from him.
I willowed in my thoughts as I drove over to Matt’s. Once I rang the doorbell, his mother immediately greeted me, slightly displeased.
“I thought you were the police,” she said, “Look at what these animals did to my son.”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Petraglia,” I said, “Me and my crew over there are doing their best to find out who did this to my best of friends.” She nodded, satisfied.
“Hopefully that man will have greater pain. Better than any police department would do.” I looked at Matt as he entered the room, surprised at my appearance.
“Can I get you anything?” she whispered to him. He shook his head. He whispered something back, and she left, Matt motioned me to come upstairs and to his room with him.
I sat on his messy, yet comfortable bed. He cleared the clutter around the space next to me. I didn’t want to dare to look him in the eye. Not after what happened.
“I know what you mean,” I said to him, “I know what you want--”
“You have no f***ing idea what it is,” he said, “You’ve never lived this life.”
“Except I have. With you.” I leaned towards him, he gently pushed me away.
“With me? I know Elisa’s back, Mercer, I saw her.” My eyes flooded with shock. His flooded with pain.
“So what?” I said. “It’s not like it matters. I--”
“You what, Mercer? Huh?” He collapsed his face onto his palms and leaned forward, unable to sit straight to even look at me. I reached to touch his back. He forced me away, and pushed me off of his bed.
“If you f***ing love her so much, then go. Stop lying to me,” he sobbed.
“I love you!” I lied. “It’s not about her! You selfish f***, there’s never been a more intimate and real time than between you and me. For once, in a room full of emptiness and nothing, I was there.” The room shuddered with silence afterwards. I stood there, panting out of breath, and he looked at me, distraught.
“Then God help me,” he said through gritted teeth, “Because when ‘our’ crew came to get me and torment me, pending your arrival, I looked around for a bit, blood clinging to my bottom lip, and when you came, I saw nobody.”
“It’s not my fault. You didn’t wait for me. If you wanted to talk, you should’ve done it where we wouldn’t get caught. Now Matthias wants blood.”
“Get the f*** out of here!” he shrieked, shoving me out of his room and slamming the door. Ms. Petraglia looked terrified and she motioned me to leave. The last thing I heard was the muffled scream of Matt as he cried, howling to the air.
I met Elisa the next day for coffee. I saw her shimmering light blonde hair even from a mile away. When she sat across from me, my hope faded back.
“Hey,” I said, chuckling.
“Hey,” she chirped.
“As customary, we’ve always said that to each other.”
“How have you been?”
“What,” I said, “we’re making small talk now?” She nervously looked down through the table. She glanced back up at me.
“You know, I never wanted anything serious, Mercer. With your rep around here now, I just don’t know if it’s safe to let go.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, defensively. I stood up as my order was called and grabbed my coffee, along with hers.
“It means,” she said, sitting down again, “you’re a drug dealer. Everyone knows about it--”
“Keep your voice down,” I warned her. Her face turned sour. “Look, I’m not the man I used to be, but there’s two Mercers. One is just to take care of himself and his father, you’ve never met the other one, though. I only do what I do to pay for college and for, possibly, the rest of my life. College is to make my Dad happy. He doesn’t know it’s a cover up, but I need it. Can’t live without the life, Elisa.”
“Please,” she scoffed, “save me the embarrassment. You have no excuse. This is all you. Whatever you’ve become, I don’t want any part of it.”
“Elisa,” I said to her deeply, grabbing both of her hands and then holding onto them gently. They felt like silk or paper, something you’d find in a museum or nowhere else in the world. I gazed into her perfect sky eyes, and quivered mine. My heart began racing as I prepared to tell her the truth. “I love you,” I finally said to her, regret dripping off every letter. She continued staring at me dead in the eyes. She closed them, and then gracefully looked away.
“That is a lie,” she told me, “And I never loved you. Get rid of that fantasy in your head, please, it’ll save us both a lot of time.” She stood up with her bag and her coffee. She took one final look at me before she walked away. I kept my hands laid on the table, the feeling of her hands slipping away everlasting, stinging the pores of my hands. After that, I never saw her again.

Matt Petraglia died two days later. One of my guys, Matthias, went up to his house and entered three bullets into his chest over the frustration of me not letting him kill him before. Matt’s cause of death was severe organ impact, as well as shock and loss of blood.
Today, they were wrapping up the crime scene, and Matthias was found in his car, wired on coke, blood all over him. They took him in and charged him with first-degree murder.
He would go to prison for the rest of his life when he became an adult.
My Dad knocked on my door as I sat in my bedroom, unable to move or feel anything.
“Mercer?” Hid dark and low voice asked me, “I made some dinner if you want any.”
“I’m not hungry,” I told him. He stepped in my room, walking towards me and kneeling down as I laid on the bed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, son. I know how close the two of you were.”
“You have no idea.” The images of the night we shared together flashed in my head. I rolled on my stomach, shoving my head down into my sheets. “I wish I was dead,” I told him, the truth. He rubbed my arm.
“No,” he said, “Don’t you ever say that. You might want it, but it in the long run, you have no choice. Matt was the best of you. What you two had, no one can have.” I nodded slowly, sniffling, letting my bed be like Matthew. My Dad left, and closed the door gently.
Images of Matt and his hair, and his smile, and the way he plead for me when I sat on his bed and we talked about Elisa.
His death would inspire me to quit. And, for once, I would do something to make me happy. If only Matt had been here, with me, if only I had his love, we might have made it together.

Five Years Later
Epilogue
I scratched my long and heavy beard as I shut the medicine cabinet. The mirror reflected the image of what horrible person I once was. But I never got rid of my image, because I felt like I still was that monster.
I sighed, grabbing my mug of coffee and realized there was no more milk left. For some reason, I felt like I was slipping. I got in my car, the same 2001 Ford, and drove off.
I drove past a vast field, the sun shining on all of its glory. It made me think of Elisa, and Matt, and all that entailed. It reminded me of the time I had in school. I looked away, hoping to never see it again.
I took a gander at the milk aisle, fanning my hand across the cold glass. I looked over to my right and saw what appeared to be Elisa. She hadn’t noticed me. If she did, she probably wouldn’t recognize me. At this point, seeing her made me feel nothing. I looked on at her as she shopped, and walked to the next aisle. She was still as beautiful as the day I had met her. Oh, if only she knew what I’d been through. If only she knew the sacrifice I had to make to try and win her. Only to lose her all over again.
I left that day, empty. I thought of Matt when I woke up, and again when I fell asleep. I’d find myself awake at three in the morning, looking for him, remembering the glance he would give me when we fell asleep together in my own bed.
The next morning, I shaved off what I had on my face, revealing a younger me, and even younger memories. I sold my 2001 Ford car. When I told him I would give him fifty bucks for it, he said, “are you sure?” and I nodded solemnly. I didn’t give a s*** about the car. To me, it was filled with the stench of horrible times I had wished to forget. But it was also the time me and Matt spent most, other than my apartment that one night.
Nonetheless, I bought myself a different car. It was a two-door Mercedes. I didn’t know the type or the model, but I had a new car. Before driving home in it to make my new website, I took a detour. I drove out miles, past Springfield, even, and off to Frankfurt, my old high school.
I decided to visit my father’s house, seeing how he’d been since I left. I still loved him, I told him that multiple times before I left, years ago.
He still lived at the same place, alone, unable to process everything he loved being gone, forever. I stepped out of my car and walked towards his door, attempting to help him with that fact. Ringing the doorbell, I immediately regretted it. On the other hand, maybe he would like to see me.
I saw his face step into the frame of my view, behind the window and screen door. He opened the first door, no drink in his hand for once. His eyes were tired and red, he’d clearly been up all night.
“Mercer?” he asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, Dad, it’s me,” I told him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to visit, I was in the neighbourhood.” I walked inside and he let me. We went towards the kitchen and I sat down with him.
“Got a drink?” I asked.
“Nope.” He shook his head. “Haven’t had a drink since you left.”
“Well, that’s good, at least.”
“I imagine you could use a lot, after, you know...” My father referred to Matt, bringing some skeletons in my mind. I sighed and looked down.
“I don’t need a lot to drink after my problems. Not before them, either. I just dealt with my cards.”
“I remember you scared with Elisa, though. Oh, man, she pushed your buttons,” he said, chuckling. I nodded.
“She did. I miss her.”
“Whatever happened there?” He sipped on his mug of coffee.
“Nothing.” My silence echoed the room afterwards. My father looked down in remorse.
“Nothing?” he finally asked. I nodded slowly.
“Elisa didn’t want me. I didn’t want her after a while. But, that won’t stop me from missing her.”
“You seem at peace,” he said. I wasn’t, little did he know, but I wanted him to have the warm and fuzzy feeling that his only son was okay. Even after Matt’s death, I still love him. My Dad never found out, but I’m sure Matt knew our parents had their suspicions.
“I am,” I told him, and so goes my father’s happiness. I caught a glimpse of him smirking out of the corner of my eye before I left.
After leaving, driving seemed pointless. At the same time, It was relentlessly mind-fulfilling.
I stopped towards the side of the road at one point, recognizing the spot. I jumped over the railing and down the galley, towards a large and mysterious lake. I pushed the brush and the green out of the way and made it to the lake. There it was, the lake me and Elisa had played at when we were kids. I ran over to the other side of it, replaying the memories of me and her in my head.
There, I laid, watching the night starry sky. I looked out into the planets, wishing to be on them, and not to be on this one. I added Matt and Elisa to my constellation of stars.
There, I laid, remembering rolling in the grass with Elisa, remembering her swift gaze and her silky hands as I held them gracefully.
There, I laid, remembering the touch of Matt and the way he cared for me, and being at his funeral, and holding his stiff, cold hands in unison with his family, the death of him bringing me and my Dad back together.
There…
I laid…
Finally… and I waited until the Sun rose again, shedding many tears for what I had once lost. Grabbing stones, and adding them onto the pile of lost loves in the mystery, and the seamless gaze of the stars never breaking free as one final flashback of Elisa and Matt clouded my eyes, letting them close.
There it is, I thought. I had solved the mystery, shedding the stars of their love.

The End.