I open the door and then wish partly that I hadn't.

"Good morning Olivia!"

I know that big bright and overly optimistic smile anywhere. It was my friend, Dahlia. I sigh a deep sigh that resonates slowly from me.

"Good morning Dahlia." I mumble grumpily.

"How has your morning been so far?"

"A bright ball of sunshine as usual." I respond to my eager companion. It seems that she doesn't even notice that I'm teetering over the edge of no absolute return. Dahlia sits beside me with her bunch of blonde curls bouncing around her face like mexican jumping beans. She continues to prod me with her inconstant chatter.

That's the kind of person Dahlia is. It could be a freaking hailstorm and she would be smiling ear to ear. Because nothingever happens to innocent, sweet Dahlia. I don't mean to come across as a horrible friend, but after awhile that kind of joy wears you down. Then I hear Dahlia ask me a question,

"Doesn't the weather outside seem beautiful?"

Oh god, not the small talk. I can't stand the small talk. Nothing but little words that are over cliched used to fill an awkward silence. It just seems like a waste breath, which so does a lot of things now. All the things in life that used to seem completley necessary now seem just worthless. Why is it only when something horrible happens you have your eyes opened to what's really worth it? I then become aware of Dahlia's bright emerald eyes staring a hole in me.

"Do you want to?" she asks eagerly.

"Want to what?"

"Go to the park, the thing I've been talking about for the last 5 minutes! Honestly, have you even been listening to me?" she answers in a hurt tone that sounds like I just told her she has a gray hair.

"Either way if I had heard you or not, the answer is the same...no."

"Oh c'mon Olivia! You have to get out of this house, you have to learn how to move on and quit wallowing around in your misery." she states like she's someone important like Montel or Dr. Phil.

"And who the hell says I'm miserable?"

"Don't start that with me, you have to try to forget about what happened with Alex..."

"Don't say a damn word about him....don't." I tone feels like it's as sharp as knives, and for some reason I find myself looking for stab holes in Dahlia.

"Well then at least come with me." Dahlia states simply.

I stand there trying to come up with a way to get out of this seemly innocent trip, but with Dahlia nothing is ever innocent. She just makes it seem that way. Finally I conclude there's no way that I can get my "therapist" to back off.

"Fine, I'll go but I'm not staying long."

"You won't have to, you'll feel better once you step out into the warm sun and let it beam onto your pretty red hair." she says smoothing my hair back. I hate deja vu.

When we finally reach the park, it strikes me that something feels familiar about this place but I can't seem to find it. I remember this tree smell coating the air, I remember those flowers growing around the trees. I remember that...bench.

But before I'm allowed further time to think about it, Dahlia hurries me over to the bench and plops me down on it.

"Oh look!, there's an ice cream truck. You want some ice cream?" she asks.

"Chocolate cone." I reply.

"Ok! I'll be back in a minute." she answers practially running to the vehicle with crummy fudgesicles painted on it. She doesn't even stop to think, I hate chocolate.

I run my fingers over the ever so remnant wood of the bench and I slowly begin to remember his hair, his eyes, his words. And then I find it, that little heart with the scribbly "A" and "O" inscribed inside. And I know what this place, this is place that changed my life forever. For once in a good way.

A soft whistle of wind rustles the young leaves. A small tustle of my hair blows in my face and as I struggle to pin it back, some of my papers decide to run away with the wind. I scramble after them trying to retrieve them, but one piece of paper refuses to be caught; and then a foreign hand catches it with ease.

"Is this yours ma'am?"

"He is so attractive." I think to myself. I try not to stare at his ebony hair and his deep blue eyes.

"Umm, yes thank you." I reply taking the rebel paper.

"What'"s your name?" he asks in a honey-sweet voice.

"Olivia."

"A beautiful name for a beautiful girl." he says joining me on the bench. I blush deep scarlet.

"What's yours?" I ask.

"I'm Alexander, and we're perfect for each other."

"Excuse me?" I'm stunned by his straight-forwardness, yet intrigued.

"Well I don't mean to sound all creeper, but our names sound perfect together therefore we should be too."

"I don't understand." I really don't.

"Here let me show you." he takes a small pocket knife and begins to carve the bench. I can't contain my look of surprise.

"Don't worry, I'm not some kind of serial killer." he reassures.

Then I realize what he's doing. He moves his hand to show off his work. It's a little heart with a scraggly "A" and "O" inscribed inside.

"See doesn't that look perfect?" Alexander says.

I don't know what to say except to smile.

"I know my artistic ability is beyond words." he smiles back.

I chuckle in response.

"Would you like to grab some coffee?" he asks staring right into my eyes.

I consider what I should do, I mean should I really go off with some stranger that just carved our intials into a bench? But then again, he does seem very nice and sincere and I think that he's right...maybe we are perfect for each other.

"I'd love to." I answer.

He grins and gets up to walk away, almost too fast. I can't catch up, I can't catch up...









*


*


*

"Olivia!"

I stir suddenly and see Dahlia holding two ice creams.

"What the hell is wrong? You were just staring off into space."

"Nothing." I reply grabbing the stupid chocolate flavor. I notice my hand is still on the carving, I try to remove it without Dahlia noticing but unfortunatley she's knows everything.

"What's that?" she asks.

"I don't know." I'm a horrible liar.

"It says 'A' and...oh my god."

"It's nothing Dahlia, I think I'm going to go back home now thanks for the ice cream."

I hurriedly walk away from her, throwing the disgusting frozen treat in the nearest trash can. Why did I listen to her? Why? I knew something like this was going to happen. I get home and grab the knife and slam the bathroom door closed. For some reason I lock it as if there's a good samaritain ghost that will try to stop me, I don't have time for good deeds. I hold it to my wrist, willing myself to do it. Just do it, just slice the damn thing! I scream at my weakness, I scream at my misery, I scream at my screwed up life. I throw the knife at the wall and bust a little tile square. Tears pour down my face, and I sit in a fetal position on my bathroom floor. What a pathetic mess I have become

Morning breaks and jabs me in the face with a sun beam. My eyes slowly open and my mouth tastes like dry sand. I realize that I have fallen asleep in my fetal position on my bathroom floor. I go to the shower and rinse away all that happened yesterday. I finish and stand looking in the mirror at what I have become. I used to have bright green eyes, now in the small time of 4 months they've eroded into a fatigued olive color. I even have wrinkles etched into my once finely chisled face. I prod and pull on my tired, droopy cheeks. And then I hear Dahlia's distant voice resonating from behind the front door. I sigh and pull on a robe, I hesitate at the doorknob considering whether I could make her believe I'm not home. But I know she won't buy it I mean, where would I go? All the light in the world seems to be shining on Dahlia's face.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Because I have a surprise for you." she says going to prepare a pot of coffee.

"I'm not going anywhere with you." I reply, my words are harsher that I mean for them to be.

But Dahlia unscathed, "Don't worry, this will be worth it."

I have no interest in arguing my point with her today, "Fine, just let me get dressed." I slump to my bedroom and grab a t-shirt and jeans from the closet. I take my time dressing, trying to avoid this inevitable "surprise" for as long as I can.

"I have some coffee for you here, drink up." Dahlia says placing a mug in front of me when I return.

"I don't feel like coffee."

"You, not wanting coffee? Man, you really need some cheering up." she says taking a seat across from me.

"Wow, really? I had no idea."

"Your sarcasm won't scare me away Olivia, and it won't scare him away either."

"Wait, him? Who's him?" I ask.

"That was ummm, kind of your surprise." she replies.

I stare deep at my supposed friend. "You're kidding me right?"

"I thought it would do you some goo.."

"Alexander has only been gone 4 months, and you think that all that pain goes away with another man?! Are you that insensitve and stupid?!"

"And do you think that staying at home all day and moping around like a sad sack will make the pain dissapear? she fires back.

I have no response becaue I know that she is partly right. I'm just too proud to admit so.

"Fine, I'll go but don't expect me too be lovestruck. In fact, expect the opposite." I have no intentions of giving my heart to the nearest member of the opposite sex.

"Well I guess that's better than nothing, shall we be off?" Dahlia demands more than requests as she gathers the cups and places them in the sink.

We both squeeze into Dahlia's convertible, that she NEVER takes the top down on. We drive to a dinky resturaunt for middle class patrons and walk to the back booth.

"Well, where's my surprise?" I mockingly ask.

"He's running a little late."

"You do know that's kind of awkward to be sitting in on a date with no one for yourself right?"

"Don't worry, he brought someone for me." she reassures.

"And you're sure the main intention was me?"

Dahlia has a response in mind but doesn't have time to say it, because then 2 guys being to proceed to our booth. Dahlia gets up to shake their hands.

"Ummm, guys this is Olivia, Olivia this is Hunter and Josh."

"Hi." I half mumble.

Hunter sits beside me and Josh lets Dahlia practically sit on him.

The date isn't that interesting to recollect, just a bunch of the usual small talk. Like, "so how long have you known each other." Pathetic questions that no one wants to know the answer too. The only thing rememorable about it was the fact of Hunter's hand moving ever so closely to mine. I do not pull my hand away, nor do I encourage his attempts at flirting. I'm here, and that's it, I'm neutral. Before long, the life draining social gathering is too much to take.

"Sorry to kill the fun, but I think I have to get going." I say.

"Oh Liv, don't go." Dahlia begs.

"No, no thanks for the fun but I got to go."

"Well, let me drive you home." Hunter offers.

"What about Josh?"

"Oh don't worry, he can ride home with me." Dahlia says through her lovestruck giggles.

I guess there's no way for me to get out of it, I walk with Hunter to his vehicle. The drive is mostly filled with utter silence and it continues when we reach my doorstep. But then Hunter breaks it,

"I really had a good time."

"Me too." I say struggling the key into the hole.

"So ummm, can I call you tomoroww?"

"You don't have my number Hunter."

"Can you give it to me?"

I turn around and look at him, trying to find the right choice to tell him to buzz off, but before I can make the right decision his lips are suddenly on mine. I slap him across the head and he stumbles back, stunned.

"Goodbye Hunter, thanks for the ride."

I slam the door in his face before he can reply. I slide down to the floor and stroke my spoiled lips. I curse Hunter for thinking I was just some other slut desperate for his hands on me. But why do I feel that bubbly feeling I always got when Alexander kissed me? Could I have let myself feel for someone else? No, that's not true. My heart and the love in it went with Alexander, and with him is where it stays.

The glare from the light blocks out his face. I move the picture but it still seems that Alexander is missing. It's only been a few hours since the double date, but a few hours is all it's taken to torture me. I've gone over the date so many times trying to find why I enjoyed the kiss. I'm a horrible person, and I made Alexander dissapear. I go to the cabinet and grab the nearest bottle of liquor and a pill bottle. I spill the pills into my mouth and drown them with a river of alcohol. I stare at the picture on the counter.

"WHY AM I LIKE THIS?! WHY ARE YOU GONE?! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE TO PICK UP THE PIECES OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER?!"

But of course the picture gives no answer. But the silence is enough to get the message across. Maybe I chased him away, maybe I even killed him. Maybe I...maybe...

My eyes grow heavier and I can't fight the looming coma sleep that is peeking over my shoulder. Then I'm spiraling into a black fog, too dense to see through, too thick to break from...









*







*







*

I prance impatiently in my living room, he's coming for dinner. "Oh where is he?!" I think to myself. We've only been seeing each other for a few weeks but it feels like a lifetime. What a cliched statement. I clutch the tiny love poem in my hand that he wrote for me. I recite my favorite lines in my head.

"Under the rays of the elegant blue moon,

There is me making love to you."

But I haven't actually given myself to him, I have kissed him and it felt fireworks exploding. The feel of his soft lips rolling over mine was indescriable. But tonight, hopefully if everything goes right...we'll go a little bit farther. Then there's a knock at the door. I run to it and leap into his arms.

"I take it you've missed me." he says kissing me on the head.

"I always miss you when you're away from me Alexander."

"You know I'll always be there for you, you are my one and only."

I blush deep scarlet, "One and only?"

"The only for me my dearest love, now do you really want to eat or do you want me to bathe you in my love?"

"You are a hopeless romantic." I chuckle.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He picks me up and carries me to the couch. He kisses me so deeply that I think we might forge ourselves as one. When he pulls away, too quickly I might add, he locks eyes with me.

"You know from the moment I met you in that park, I knew I loved you. And not because of that 'love at first sight thing' but because I felt drawn to you. You are the most beautiful thing that has happened to me, promise me you'll never dissapear."

I have no response but to kiss him again. He strokes my neck and puts his lips there. And that was bliss, he carries me to the bed and lays me down as gently as if I were a baby. We make love that night, maybe not under the blue moon, but under the moonlight none the less. When I awake in the morning, Alexander is gone and I can smell french toast and coffee in the kitchen. I get up and walk into the kitchen with nothing but the sheet around me. His muscled body moves around the kitchen with admirable precision. His eyes light up when he notices me.

"Good morning darling, did you sleep well."

"Better that I was beside you, how about you?"

"Diddo."

I watch him as he plates the food and pours the coffee. Is it weird to be turned on by your boyfriend making you breakfast? He places the plate in front of me and we indulge into a delightful breakfast. He holds my hand the entire time, and when we finish he puts away the dishes.

"You're spoiling me Alexander." I smile.

"You spoiled me last night."

I laugh out loud and go to him, not minding that the sheet "accidentally" slips from around me.

"Bathe me in love again, I beg you."

"Oh I love you."

My prince charming carries me away to show me how to feel again.











*





*





*

The fog has drawn closer now, not choking but soothing. I can't feel any pain, I'm numb. The fog swirls me around but I don't become dizzy. It hugs me closer into oblivion. And I have not a care in the world. I don't care if I don't wake up. Carry me away to Alexander, I don't think I want to wake up. And maybe, just maybe I won't...

What is death like? What is it like to be released of all that burdened you, and to float for the rest of eternity? It seems I've been floating in this black fog for far longer than usual. Maybe this time I really did it, maybe now I won't be haunted by the memories rooted deep in my eyes. But I thought death was supposed to be white clouds with angels everywhere and a oversized golden gate. But for me it's nothing but blackness. And now I hear muffled voices, they sound like they're calling my name. Wait, is that Hunter? I know that voice, I know that voice...

"Olivia! Olivia!"

My eyes break from their crusty chains to reveal Hunter holding me in his arms.

"Oh my god you're ok, you're ok. Are you ok?"

My voice struggles to find itself after being absolete for hours, "I was."

And then I realize something, "Wait, why the hell are you here?"

He hesitates, maybe trying to find a reasonable answer for his appearance here. "I thought that since I upsetted you yesterday, maybe I should come over here and apologize. I would have yesterday but you didn't give me a chance what with the door in my face and all."

I realize that I'm still in his arms and raise up, a shocking pain goes to my head and I search for some Ibuprofen.

"What happened Olivia?"

I don't answer, I can't find an answer that makes it sound normal. But I look and see that I may not need an explanation. Hunter spies the liquor and pill bottles then he takes a good long serious look at me.

"Olivia, were you trying to kill yourself?"

"I am not talking about this with you." I reply walking to the couch.

But Hunter can't catch a hint, he lumbers over to me and sits beside me, almost too close. "Olivia answer me, please."

I look at him into his mysterious eyes that can't make up their mind whether they're green or brown. "Why should I?"

"Because I want to help you."

"Why, we've only known each other for one day!" I say getting up and pointing my shaking finger in his face,"And besides how do you even know that I have a problem!"

"Oh, so people just chase an overdose with a nice bottle of liquor for fun?"

I have the urge to smack him, but I can't. I don't want to because the person deep inside me that still has an ounce of sense left knows that's he's right. Damn conscience. "But why do you want to help me?"

"Because I..."

"Oh don't tell me, you knew you loved me from the moment you saw me and so you think if you fill me up with sentimental values that I'll just jump into..."

"No, the reason is because when I kissed you yea I maybe expected you to want more. But when you slapped me and then when I found you I realized that maybe you're a broken girl."

"Oh so you're calling me crazy now?" I interrupt.

"No, no that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that maybe there is something that's breaking you down and not letting you be all you can be. And maybe when you learn to break free, you can be all you can be." he says standing up and moving a strand of hair that has fell in my face. Then his hand smooths the skin of my cheek and I shudder, but unfortunatley a good shudder. And Hunter feels this, "See you're already starting to break free. You're already starting to forget."

Hunter, that was unfortnatley the wrong choice of words. "Maybe I don't want to forget! Maybe you don't know what I want and what I am!"

"Liv, please."

"Get out! Just get out!" I say with a few trickle of tears falling down my face.

Hunter gives up his attempt at rehabilitation and begins to leave. But he stops at the kitchen, and placing a slip of paper on the counter he trys one last time, "If you ever need someone to talk to." Then he walks out the door and leaves me alone to wonder if maybe the one chance for a normal life again just walked out the door.

I'm sitting on my couch enjoying a cocktail and not paying attention to the program I'm supposed to be watching. I shudder in the good way everytime I think about Hunter's hand on my cheek. But why? I can't forget about Alexander, can I? Is it possible for me to forget all that happened to us and begin a new life with Hunter? He reminds me a bunch of Alexander, in the way that he tells me the truth no matter what. And the fact that he makes me all warm and bubbly inside when he touches me. But wait, what am I thinking? I jump nearly five feet in the air when my cellphone rings. I look and see that it's Dahlia.


"Hello?" I say.

"Hey! what's up?"

"Nothing."

"Well can I come over?" Dahlia asks.

"Not really tonight Dahlia, I'm tired."

"Well, I'm already at your front door and I'm proceeding to walk into your front door."

The phone clicks as I hear my front door open and hear Dahlia's voice.

"Make yourself at home." I say.

"Don't worry, got any food in the fridge?"

But she doesn't wait for my answer, she grabs an ice cream tub and a spoon and comes to join me next to the couch.

"I take it your hungry?"

"Yeah, the munchies really bite you."

"Wait, the munchies? Are you freaking high?"

Dahlia turns to look at me with bloodshot eyes, "No." she lies rather badly.

"What have you smoked?"

"Well me and Josh smoked a little bit of pot before I left his house."

"And when did you leave his house?"

"Just a few minutes ago, Hunter called Josh and asked to talk to me."

I grew very worried, because that the only reason that Hunter would want to speak to Dahlia would be me. And there had been some pretty interesting news about me lately that I hoped she had not gotten word of.

"And he told me what happened."

"I don't really feel like talking about it."

"You never do, and maybe that's your problem. For once someone is making you realize that and you can't stand it."

"I'm just not ready to be ok yet."

"Maybe Alexander is ready for you to be."

"I just don't feel right by liking Hunter." I explain.

"Why, because you think Alexander is going to get upset? He's dead, he can't feel anything anymore."

"He's not dead!, not to me."

"He died and it's time for you to accept that." Dahlia stated the harsh reality.

"Hunter said that there was something breaking me down and that it was keeping me from being all I could be."

"And he's right, go talk to him. Tell him about Alexander, who knows maybe he can make you feel better about it."

"I hardly know him, how do I know that he's not just in this to get in my pants?"

"Because just some jerk wouldn't come back to you and tell you the truth that you've been needing to hear for a long time." Dahlia says.

"Thanks Dahlia, you know I've never really have thanked you for being there for me, even though you pissed me off most of the time."

"You didn't have to sweetheart." she said patting my hand. "Call him." and then she walked out the door.


I thought for a moment about what she had said and realized that maybe she was right. Maybe Alexander really wanted me to live my life, and maybe this was a new chapter. But there was still a shred of doubt. I walked to my room to get a pillow and noticed an envelope behind the bed on the floor. On the front was my name written in Alexander's handwriting. And then I remembered what it was...





*
*

*

My Dearest Olivia,

I know that you have had struggles in your life, and I know that now it seems hopeless. But remember that not all is lost just because the night is long. You must know that you are the most beautiful person, and the modest. And your modesty is the peak of your beauty. I have loved how you have changed my life. Please learn to believe that you are a great person, do not choose to be blind to the bright light that you can be. You must know that all I want is for you to be happy. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, please never forget that.

Love Now and Always,

Alexander




He had given me this envelope a few days before he had died and I had never got the chance to read it. It makes me think of the day of his accident, the day my world came crumbling down...











*
*
*

It has been now almost a year that I have been with Alexander, but not everything seems as it did. I feel like I'm not worth it anymore, and he feels that. He hates that I hate myself, and we have often fought about my self-esteem. But it always seems that our arguments never get us anywhere, I still feel worthless and he still disagrees. But lately, it's gotten worse I feel like maybe Alexander is being dragged down by my self-hatred. His eyes don't glow as much anymore, he doesn't serenade me with his loving words as much anymore. I know what I must do, and now comes my chance. He walks through the door and notices me standing in the living room.


"Hello honey." he says.

"Hello, I think we need to talk."

His face grows more grave and serious. "Why do I have a bad feeling?" He comes to join me on the couch. "What's on your mind darling?"

"Lately I've been noticing that you don't glow as much anymore."

"I don't understand." he says shaking his head.

"I mean it seems that my attitude has been dragging you down too."

"What? Liv, that is the biggest line of BS that I have ever heard in my life. You do not drag me down, if anything you lift me up."

"You keep saying that, but how can I still believe that? And how do I know you still do?"

"Baby, do we really need to have this argument again?" he asked, putting his hand on mine.

"No, there's only one thing left to do." I say very sternly.

Alexander then looks as if I have stabbed him in the heart and spit in his face. "Really? Is this really what you want to do?"

"Not what I want to do, but what I need to do."

"So you think that by enclosing yourself in a solitude that you will get better? Is that what you have made yourself believe?" he says trying to hide the fact that he wants to cry.

"Please, I know there's no help for me, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to take you down with me."

"What corruption you have let overtake your reason, you act as if this is some terminal illness that has no cure. Low self-esteem does have a cure, you just have to seek it." he begs.

But there is no changing my mind, "Just go, don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"Don't worry." he says getting up," You make it more difficult by yourself." He grabs his keys and walks to the door, "Can you at least walk me to my car?"

I sigh but get up and walk with him. And before he gets in the car he turns to me, "Can I have a goodbye kiss."

I know I shouldn't but soon I'm feeling the familiar fireworks that come with this lip on lip embrace. He pulls away and gets into the car. "Just promise me that you will try to get help, all I want is for you to be happy."

I nod in response and watch him drive off. My heart feels a hole begin to grow in it, and I turn to go back inside. But then I hear what seems to be high-pitched squealing and then a huge crash. I turn around and see Alexander's car being split up and smushed. The screams of metal against metal echo and send chills down my spine.

"ALEXANDER! NOO!!" I become frantic, I begin to run to him and whip out my cellphone. After calling an ambulance, I run to his car. He has blood all over his head but his eyes are slightly open. I go to the other car and the other driver seems ok, just with a huge bump on his head and a soon coming hangover. I go back to Alexander and see that he is slowly starting to lose consciencness.

"Alexander, Alex stay with me."

His head lulls over to face me and he slits his eyes open. He trys to say something but it seems that his voice has been knocked out of him and nothing but air remains.

"What did you say?" I ask him.

"I...l-love..yo-you." He's not the man that I could always lean on now, he's been stripped down to a poor beaten up soul. I reach for his hand and hold it to my face, "I love you too."

Then the red and blue lights illuminate the night and the sirens overwhelm my ears. The paramedics jump out and they spend the next hour rescuing the victims from what's left of their vehicles. On the way to the hospital, Alex falls into a deep silence. I never thought about what it might be like to lose him, and I'm faced with the possibility of losing him for good.

I love these kind of days, rainy days. It's like all the water seems to rinse away the dirt and grime of life and leaves a sparkly surface. I didn't call Hunter last night, and I haven't yet today. I know I should, but I just don't have the nerve. I keep running my fingers over the small piece of paper that has his name and number scribbled on it. I love the perfect way he curves his e's. Should I call him? Should I allow his warm arms to surround me in that goody-good feeling that always comes with a lover's embrace? But who says he's a lover, he's no more than an acquaintance. But then again, Alexander started out as an acquaintance, with budding passion. Maybe I should carve mine and Hunter's intials into a bench and see how it looks. Then that gives me an idea, I go get a piece of paper and a pen and spend the next twenty minutes seeing how many ways I can write "O" and "H" with a heart.

Before I become obsessed with our intials, the phone rings. I wonder about answering it, what are the chances that it's him? But sure enough, the little techno letters tell me that it's the guy I've been wishing I had the guts to call.

"Hello?" he asks .

"I've been meaning to call you." I said trying to not let sip the smile I have on my face.

"Really? What about?"

"Do you want to come over for dinner?" I take a chance.

"I would love to."

My smile begins to grow bigger, "Tonight at eight?"

"I'll see you then."

"Ok, bye." the phone clicks and I clutch the phone to my chest. It's been a long time since I've felt this feeling. Happiness. I look at the clock and my happiness is replaced by horror, it's 5:30! I scramble trying to figure out what to wear and what to cook and what the hell to do! And then I stop and laugh to myself, I did the same thing with Alexander.


~

~

~

The clock tells me it's 15 minutes before Hunter is going to arrive. I go to the mirror and again and for the millionth time fix my hair just so. An impossible fashion that will unravel itself in a matter of 5 minutes. I look at the table and second-guess what it is that I have prepared. A chicken salad with chocolate pie for dessert. Who the hell serves a salad for a meal?! What the hell is wrong with me? Before I can criticize myself anymore there is a knock at the door. My heart skips a beat and I practically run to the door. When I open the door, a bouquet of white roses is shoved gently in my face.

"For you." he says.

"Oh my god! You didn't have to do that." I go to the kitchen and put them in a vase of water.

"Well you know, thought it would brighten up your day." he says going to sit at the table.

"Thank you." I say more sincerely than I mean. I go to join him at the table. "I hope you don't that I didn't fix anything fancy."

"That's ok." Hunter says taking a big bite of his salad, "I'm on a diet anyway."

I smile at him, "Well then I guess you don't need dessert."

"Well, I've been good, I could use a treat." he says winking at me.

I wonder what kind of "treat" he's talking about. But I stop, I don't want to get mad tonight.

After we eat dinner, we go to sit on the couch. "Oh that pie was so good. You are an awesome cook." Hunter says.

"Thank you, it's been awhile since I've cooked food for someone besides myself." I reply.

Then Hunter's face grows sincere, he places his hand on mine. "Do you want to talk about him?"

My face shoots up to face his, "Not really, but I know I need to."

He nods in response, 'What was he like?"

"Perfect." I sigh. "Perfect in every way. The first time I met him, he made me feel like there really was someone out there that cared about me. He used to write me love poems all the time, and sing me songs. It was like living a Shakespearen love story."

"How did he die?"

"A car wreck, we had gotten into an argument and he drove off. Some damn drunk driver ran a stoplight and forced his car off the road. They said it flipped about 3 times. He lasted for a day or so, but his injuries were so critical that we knew he wasn't going to make it."

"Were you with him when he finally passed?"

"Yea, he took my hand and he made me promise that I would get better and move on with my life...and then he slowly closed his eyes and he was gone. It was like he drifted off to sleep." I finished my story and looked into Hunter's eyes.

"What do you mean 'get better'?"

"Huh?"

"You said he made you promise to get better, what was wrong with you?"

I cursed myself for letting that piece of information slip, I didn't want to delve into that part of my past yet. "I uhh...he meant umm...he meant for me not to dwell on his death." I said it too quickly.

Hunter looked at me, his eyes like detectives trying to find any sliver of evidence that I was finding. But my poker face was not as good as I thought. "You're lying."

"How do you know?"

"It's practically written all over your face." he says.

"Hunter, I really don't feel like going there tonight."

Thankfully, he gets the point. "Alright." he pats my leg. "Well, how do you know Dahlia?"

"We met in college, roomates. She was the crazy party kind of girl, and I was the quiet over-achiever kind of girl. We were best friends instantly. She used to get me into all these crazy parties and hook me up with all these really cute guys, and I would do her midterms for her."

"Sounds like a perfect friendship." he says sarcastically.

"Well they do say opposites attract. No, Dahlia was my best friend. I remember when I was dating this one guy named Chris and he dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. I came back to our room that night crying my eyes out and Dahlia held me and let me cry on her shoulder, then she went and slashed his tires and made him late the next day. And he nearly missed a huge test that was worth like over half percent of our grade. It was great, the look on his face." I say smiling.

"Is she still your best friend?"

"Of course! Why would you even ask me that question?" I say defensefully.

"You said she was your best friend." he replies.

I pondered that for a moment, "I must admit that I haven't been the bestest friend that I could be, but I'm not my usual self."

"That's a shame." Hunter says, he looks at his watch, "Oh my god, I need to go. I've got to work tomoroww." He stands and heads for the door. "Thanks for having me tonight."

"Thanks for coming." I reply. "I had a really good time."

"Me too." he says. There is an awkward silence where usually there would be a goodnight kiss but Hunter hessitates. "Can I kiss you, or are you going to slap me again?"

I laugh out loud, "You can kiss me."

He smiles that beautiful smile of his and leans down. His lips feel like velvet rolling over mine, it feels like time has stopped and the only thing that matters is his lips on mine. He pulls away too soon and walks out the door, giving a final "Goodnight" before departing. I stand at the door and watch his drive away, I know that soon there will be a major amount of guilt looming over and I go to search for a bottle of alcohol to drown it out.

There's not enough alcohol in this world that could drown out the guilt I'm feeling. I feel like he's looking down on me and feels like I've ripped out his frozen heart. Oh when is this alcohol-numbing supposed to kick in? It's only been a few hours since Hunter left, but my heart feels like it's been tortured a hell lot longer. I need the numb, bleeding can't produce it neither can pills. I'm naked lying on knives. I hear the phone ringing, but I don't answer it. I can't function right to carry on a conversation right now. It keeps ringing, my house is blaring with rings. Over and over and over. I can't stop the tears, don't think I want to. I cuddle in my nest of salt and sorrow, the only place I feel comfortable in, but that I desperatley want to leave. I look at the clock, three hours have passed! Only three?! The door is being knocked on, and I don't get up.

"GO AWAY!" I scream in a sandpaper voice because I haven't had anything to drink. The banging continues, becoming more persistent.

"GO AWAY DAMN IT! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

The door this time becomes silent, and then opens. I swear, don't whoever they are know the meaning of "No"? I cringe closer to the floor. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU! GO AWAY!"

"But maybe you need to."

Oh my god, it is not Hunter. It can't be Hunter, what made him think that his prescence was necessary here? He picks me and cradles me in his arms like he did when he pulled me back from the black abyss. He strokes my hair, and wipes away my tears. "Olivia, what is wrong you have to tell me."

"It's him, it's my self-esteem, it's you, it's eveything!" I cry out, letting my tears soak through my skin.

"You want me to go away?"

"No! I want you to stay, but that part of me that is still attached to him doesn't. It keeps screaming at me everytime you touch me."

"Olivia maybe you need to get help."

There it is, there is that same damn statement that has been the downfall of my everything. But then why am I even considering it? Do I really want to go? Do I really think it will help?

"Olivia, there is a facility that I found for my..."

"I'll go."

He stops mid-sentence, "What?"

"I said I'll go, I'll try it. Maybe it can help."

He has no words, neither do I. His hug has all the words that needn't be said, along with his kisses bathing my face. This moment right now feels uplifting. I feel like maybe this is the thing I need to move on from him. I feel like I can commit to Hunter right now. Like maybe, there is a future for me and him, but that is if this facility actually works. Damn it, there is always that little possibility of "if". But I guess it provides some balance in our reasoning. Either way, I guess I have some packing to do. Some physical and emotional packing. But hopefully I can do some heavy unpacking in the near future...

Shirts, pants, socks, shoes, toiletries, and my horrible emotional package. I'm taking all these with me to the facility. That's what Hunter calls it, the "facility" but we all know what it really is, rehab. And for some strange reason, I'm ok with this. I don't mind saying that I'm going to rehab. The Hunter-loving part of me is actually rejoicing in my decision to take up Hunter's offer. But of course the Alexander-loving part is calling me every name in the book. It's like I hate and love myself. I hush the violent voices in my head and walk over to the bedroom doo, being stopped only when I notice a familiar gleaming. It's the knife, how did it get in here? I go to retrieve it and hold in my hand. I graze my hand across the blade and it cuts me. My blood begins to drip slowly, ever so slowly as if it's taking my worries and agonies along with the little trickle of crimson. The Alexander part of me keeps saying that maybe I should increase the volume of the trickle, into a steady stream, then to a freaking waterfall. But the Hunter part of me forces me to put the knife down and leave the room. I can't help the thought that my betrayal keeps getting more and more painful for me...and for him.

Dahlia and Hunter are waiting outside beside Hunter's car. Dahlia has tears in her eyes and keeps trying to choke little stifles of cries as I lock the door and bid farewell to my home. I turn around and walk down to greet the two friends that are all I have right now. Dahlia runs to me and surrounds me in a loving hug, and an overdose of perfume.

"God I'm so proud of you for doing this. You're going to get better, I just know you are." she pulls away and wipes the tears from her eyes.

Hunter walks to me and greets with a hug and a slight kiss on the cheek, his thanks needn't be said.

"Well, I guess you should get going, if you want to reach the facility in time." Dahlia says motioning to the car.

"Ok, well I'm guess I'm going to walk on over there." I turn away from the car door and head on down the street.

"Wait, where are you going?" Hunter asks, gently grabbing my shoulder.

I breathe a breath of the fresh piney smell in the air and turn around to face his puzzling expression. "I'm taking the bus there."

He looks on me with a look that is not agreeing with my decision, but I need not his approval. I turn back around and continue on to the bus stop. They both chase after me and sit down on either side of me on the bench.

"Are you sure you want to ride the bus?" Dahlia asks, "I mean Hunter could take you."

"No, I want to ride the bus. Seems more classic." I reply.

"Yeah, but how do we know if you...if you..." Hunter has realized his wrong choice of words and tried to recover it.

"You mean, how do you two know if I actually get there?" They both nod their head solemnly, "Well don't worry if I were just going to run away then I wouldn't even bother agreeing to going. It's not that worth is to me." I reassure them.

They are both deciding whether my response is actually truthful, but then the bus comes to a screeching hault in front of us. I get up and grab my bags and turn to say goodbye. Dahlia is blubbering as I hug her for the final time for a long time.

"Call me as soon as they let you." she stutters inbetween her sobs. And with that she walks back to her car.

Now only Hunter remains, only his husky scent, only his soft hands, only his velvet lips. His kisses me, this time worth passion thrown with a drop of sorrow than last time. I pull away and look into his loving gaze, will he really be here when I return? What really ties him to me? As if reading my thoughts he tells me,

"I love you Olivia, and I'll be here when you get back."

I smile and feel the warm reassurance of his arms, "I love you too." Then I turn to the doors of the bus and climb in. The doors close before I can choose to change my mind.

I walk into the back of the bus to try to find a seat, but it looks as if they're all full. There is one seat that has room for one more, but for a good reason. Nevertheless, there's nothing else for me. "Can I please sit here?"

The other occupant looks at me with tired eyes surrounded with crow's feet. She looks over aged, but with a little hint of youth hiding behind the wrinkles. "Sure." she replies with a raspy voice. I join her on the rather hard seat.

"So where are you going?" she asks me.

I consider lying, but with her state I don't think it would take much too impress. "New Dawn Rehabilitation Facility."

"Damn! You're going to rehab? You wouldn't look it." she replies.

"Well, where are you headed?"

"Same place you are sweetie."

That I can believe, "May I ask what for?"

"Crank sweetie, glass, crystal, ice. You know that good stuff that everyone tells you is bad."

"Well you don't seem to excited to get clean."

"It wasn't really my choice, my parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't clean up. They're all I have right now. Mental coercion you could call it."

I nod in response, "What's your name?"

"What do you want it to be?" she asks as if serious.

I look stunned, she laughs out loud "Aw, I'm just having a bit of fun with you. My name's Lindsay."

"Well that's a nice name."

"I know like Lindsay Lohan, it's redundant. Too damn redundant."

"No, I wasn't even thinking that."

"Well anyway, what's our name?" Lindsay asks.

"I'm Olivia."

"Lucky, that's an awesome name. But why are you going to New Dawn?" Lindsay inquires.

"I have some self-esteem problems." I say trying to exit off the subject.

"And you're scared, well don't worry rehab is exactly like they say it is."

"That's what I'm afraid of." I reply as I direct my gaze to the window. And lose myself in my dreams and worries.

It seems like we've been riding for hours, it's funny how long a trip can last when you're trying to make it fly by. Lindsay has tried to fill up the utter boredom with the tales of her many drug buddies, the first time she got high, and just basically all the awesome gains that come with meth. I wasn't aware there was any, but apparently there are quite a few. When it seems that my ears will bust with one more ounce of meth tales, the bus arrives at the bus stop.

"Great, we're here about damn time." Lindsay says grabbing the only little bag she has with her. I grab my suitcase and get up as we exit the bus. We follow the sidewalk until we come across a large building that seems to have all the lights of heaven raining down upon it. "Welcome Olivia" Lindsay says, "To New Dawn Rehabilitation Center, the start of your new life." She states that last phrase with a tone of mocking sarcasm, she's obviously been here before and she obviously has no belief in the system. We walk up to the front desk and get everything settled. And tomoroww, I begin Day One of my rehabilitation.


~

~

~

It's been nearly ten days since me and Lindsay first walked to the rehab center. Lindsay was kicked out over four days ago, for possession of meth. And I'm not there anymore either, I'm walking down the street to a hotel. I gave up believeing that those damn people could do anything for me that I hadn't already done and heard before. It didn't work the other times, what the hell makes them think hearing it from them is going to make anymore difference? So I went AWOL, I've talked to Dahlia and Hunter since I've left. I had two more days before I could contact home, but I didn't make it that long. I don't think I ever thought I would last that long. So have I let both of them down, the two people who still put up with my sorry ass? But then again, I'm pretty sure I didn't surprise them. Unfortunatley.

I find this hotel on the corner, the shingles are falling down and some of the windows are missing panes. It's that kind of cheap. The only cheap that I can afford. I go into the building and up to the front desk, there's a stick figure man asleep in the chair behind the desk.

"Excuse me sir? I need a room."

The man continues to sleep, a long line of drool escaping from his mouth climbing down his chin.

"Excuse me?"

The man stirs and snorts, he stares at me with big eyes that aren't equipped to the light yet. "What do you need ma'am?"

"I need a room."

"Aww, yes I think we have a room." He jumbles around on his ancient computer for awhile and then reaches behind him for on overly rusty key. "You'll be staying in Room 36, that'll be thirty dollars please."

I pay for my room and take my suitcase up the creaky stairs. This place puts a new meaning to the word "filth". There are stains all on the walls, it makes me think that this place pays by the hour. I find my room with the barely hanging 3 and go inside. Well the room looks great if you like that meth head chic look. I flop on the bed and am surrounded by an explosion of dust, it's better than nothing. I consider taking a walk around the block and seeing the sights, but there's nothing to see except a line hookers asking for a std. I'm not here in vacation, I'm here to get away from my problems. Because I realized in rehab that problems can't be fixed by standing up and facing them, all you can do is run away. I reach over for my suitcase and extract a small pill bottle of goodies that my good friend Lindsay passed on to me before she got kicked out. I haven't had a chance to take them yet, but she said that I shouldn't go overboard with it. So I pop one and lie down, waiting for the deep almost death-like sleep to overtake me. Just...so...soothing...


*
*
*

(flashback)

This cold dead tombstone is all that's left. All that's left of the greatest times of my life. All the kisses, all the love-making, all the feelings of ecstasy have been traded for a slab of stone with his name engraved. How do you fill a hole in your heart, when the very mortar has been boxed in silk and shoved too far down too reach? Night after night I've wallowed in the sheets that aren't pulled so tight now. I don't have someone on the other end tugging for the same cover, it's just...loose. Empty, vacant, cold. His clothes still hang in the closet, they still smell like him. I run my hand over the engraved letters that hold the name I held so dear. What could I have said? What could I have done? I know that everyone says that I shouldn't blame myself, but how can I not? I mean, if I hadn't asked him to leave, he wouldn't have and he wouldn't have been hit by that damn drunk driver.

I force myself to get up and walk away from the cemetery, leaving every ounce of happiness I had left in that dense wet ground where he now lays. It's been a month and I know that the pain won't dissaperate that quickly, but will it ever? And if it will, then when? When can I learn how to smile again? When can I stop crying myself too sleep? My vision begins to blur and the world seems to be numb, there's a distant ringing. But I ignore it, I don't care what it is.

Eventually I awake from my deep pill-induced sleep, the resulting hangover is over-bearing. Why should such pain erupt from such pleasure? I turn over on my side and look out the small window, there's dirty people walking by but surprisingly they look happy. They don't seem to care that there misfortunes are for the whole world to see. How could they have such a carefree attitude? I reach for my cellphone and find that Dahlia has called, that must have been that ringing I heard all night. Does she know that I ditched rehab? Does she suspect that I ran away? I don't want to know the answer but regardless I find myself hitting the call back button. It rings for a few seconds and then I hear that familiar overly-optimistic voice.

"Hello?" it sounds as though she has just woken up.

"Dahlia?"

"Oh my god! Olivia, how are you? How is rehab?" she erupts into a fountain of questions.

I consider hanging up, should I? "Everything is fine. Rehab is going...great!" Does my voice give away my horrible lying?

Dahlia is quiet for a moment, trying to decide whether I'm really bs'ing her because I really am. "Well that sounds great. You made any friends there? Are you feeling any better? When can I see you?"

Oh no, the interrogation. This is the make it or break it round of my lying. If I give one stupid answer, then my total cover is blown. "I made one friend, Lindsay." That much is true, "I'm feeling a little bit better, everything makes sense now. I don't know when you can come. How's everything at home?"

"Oh great, Hunter and I miss you terribly. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yea, definetly. Tell Hunter I said hi, and I love him."

"Awww! I will pass on the message. You know I was thinking of calling New Dawn and asking them when we could visit."

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach, "No! No, don't call them. I can find out." Oh damn it, I think I blew it.

But surprisingly, she seems to buy it. "Ok, ummm so talk to you later?"

"Yea ummm, talk to you later." The phone clicks and I curse myself for losing my cool. Will she really call New Dawn? Before I worry myself anymore, I get another call. I look and am stunned to see that it's Lindsay. But then I remember that I gave her my phone number before she left.

"Hello?" I answer into the receiver.

"What's up chick?" her raspy voice replies.

"Where are you?"

"Aww, just hanging around the block looking for a hotel. You still at New Dawn?" she asks.

"No, I ditched that place a few days ago. I'm at this hotel a few blocks away."

"Holy shit really?! Well can I crash with you?"

"Sure, I don't know if they have a room though."

"No, no I mean crash with you in your room. Where does your room's window face?"

"What are you going to do, sneak in?"

"No duh sweetie. I don't have any money and I'm pretty sure that you don't either."

I actually do have some cash left but I don't want to spend it on Lindsay, she's a good friend but not that good. I direct Lindsay to my hotel and before long she's sitting on my bed.

"So how have you been?" I ask her. But her bloodshot eyes and knappy hair tell me all the answer I need to know.

"Oh you know, just hanging out with my best friend methamphetamine. But one of my boyfriends introduced me to heroin. It's the shit man."

I nod my head in response, I'm not surprised that she's still on meth but the fact that she picked another drug does scare me a little.

"So you want to try some?" Lindsay inquires.

"Some what?" I reply.

"Heroin! It can make you fly."

"Hell no! I went to rehab to get better, not to get addicted."

"Ok point one sweetie, you're not even in rehab anymore. And point two, you didn't go to rehab to get better you went to get the people that put up with you off of your back. That's why everyone goes."

I know that she is right, but I can't afford to have a freaking meth head outsmart me. "That doesn't matter now."

"Oh the hell it does. You can't lie to yourself, you can hardly lie to me." Lindsay says getting out a syringe and wrapping a belt around her arm. She sticks the syringe in her arm and injects a liquid, she closes her eyes slowly and moans in delight. It's disgusting to watch her destroy herself even further like this. But then I realize that this is what Dahlia has been watching for some time, me destroying myself. Maybe not by the needle, but by my words nonetheless. Am I as disgusting to Dahlia as Lindsay is to me? If so, what does Hunter think then? How could he fall in love with someone like me? Lindsay falls back on the bed, obviously in a drug-induced coma.

Maybe I should call Hunter and tell him the truth. Maybe he'll forgive me and come to rescue me like he's done so many times before. I get up from the bed as slowly as I can as not to wake Lindsay. I reach for my phone and step to the window. In closed whispers, I dial his number and listen to repetive rings as I wait for him to answer. It rings, and rings, and rings. Panic starts to overtake my reason, has he forgotten me? Has he sent me to rehab just to get rid of a bad date without feeling an ounce of guilt? Has my greatest fear come true, sadly and tragically come true?

That voice, that bland voice telling me to leave a message after the freaking beep is like sticking a searing knife in my heart. Where is he? Why isn't he answering his phone? Is he out screwing some whore? I take a deep breath and force myself to calm down. Why am I getting so worked up? I mean, it's not like Hunter would actually just ditch me after sending to rehab so that we could have a chance at a life together? I look up and see that Lindsay is still out of it, she makes me regret the decision to leave rehab. Then suddenly, I'm walking out of the hotel, down the street, past the same few blocks and then I'm standing in front of New Dawn Rehabilitation Center. But it's as it there is some invisible wall made of my past failures and worries that is blocking me from walking any further. But anticipation keeps me glued in my spot, I want to but then again I don't. I have to, but then again I don't. I turn around and walk the same few blocks, walk up the sam street, and into the same piece of shit hotel. But this time Lindsay is lying awake, eyes drawn to the ceiling.

"Where have you been?" she asks raising her hand up and beginning to draw little imaginary figures.

"I was just...ummm...taking a walk." do I want to tell her where I have really been? Will she get pissed off?

"To New Dawn?" she asks this time looking straight with a soul-seeing gaze.

"Why would I go there?" I reply giving a nervous little chuckle that everyone uses when they're trying to divert attention away from their lies.

"Don't lie to me Olivia." she says rising up from the bed and rubbing her crusty eyes.

"Don't talk to me like that, I could turn you in for squatting." I say going to sit on the floor, if that's what you want to call it, in front of the window.

"But you would get busted too for helping me. I couldn't have done it without your help Liv." she's proud of herself for getting me trapped. She's not my friend, she's just a damn mooch! She's a horrible influence on my life which is something that I really don't need right now.

"Whatever Lindsay." I'm not going to cry about the situation I've gotten myself into. This is partially my fault, I have too admit. But then again maybe I can get myself out of this, no one said I had to stay here. I'll just stay here for a few more days and wait to run away from Lindsay, I know this action sounds quite dramatic but what if she tries to follow me? All she's going to want to do is mooch and live off of me, and that is something I sure as hell won't put up with. So I quietly contemplate in my head while Lindsay turns on the TV set and makes fun of the scantily dressed whores in the Victoria's Secret commercials. She's just jealous.







~









~







~

It's been nearly three days, it's been long enough. I put my plan to action, I take a tiny bit of Lindsay's donated pills, crush them, and dump them into a can of beer that I bugged off of a guy on the street. I won't say what he asked for in return, I didn't do it. I walk into the hotel room with the open beer can in my hand, Lindsay is sitting on the bed watching TV but when she smells the tantilyzing scent of Bud Light, her attention is all mine,

"What's that you got there?" she asks.

"Some beer, you want some?"

She looks at me, trying to decide whether it's a trap. Unwisely she grabs the beer from my hand and chugs it down without breathing.

"Sure." she burps and chucks the can out of the open window.

After a few minutes though, she isn't as confident and upright that she had been before. Her eyes keep lulling closed and she keeps acting as if she's going to fall right off the bed. But then, in one gift of gravity, she plummets off the bed and lands face first on the floor. I had crushed up five pills to make sure that she would be out like a light, but just in case I go and check her pulse to make sure that I didn't kill her. It's beating pretty low for a normal human being, but just right for a mainstream methhead. I grab my bag from under the bed and head out the door, ignoring the questioning gaze of the teller. I walk out into the beaming sun and shield my eyes from the piercing light. I have no idea what I should do, go back to New Dawn or go home. If I go to New Dawn then Lindsay might find me again, but if I go home then Dahlia and Hunter will know I would've been lying and Hunter might really ditch me. I had never thought about how much it might hurt me to have him out of my life, but now that I do I wish I hadn't. So I decide to just walk around and see if I can find a cheap hotel that I can buy with what money I have left.

As I proceed down the dusty and smelly road, my pocket begins vibrating. I take it out and see that it's...Hunter. Oh my god, what do I do? What could I say? He always knows when I'm lying, even better than Dahlia. I have to answer because he might get suspicious, but if I do then he might uncover my great white lie. I didn't prepare for this, I didn't prepare for anything like this.

The phone is still ringing and vibrating in my hand. I push the answer button and hear Hunter's familiar voice, but it sounds a little pissed off. What is he mad about?

"Hi Hunter, how have you been? I miss you."

"Olivia, we need to talk." he says, he didn't even say hi he really must be mad.

"About what Hunter?" I'm terrified to know the answer.

"Dahlia called New Dawn, we know that you ran away. Why would you lie about it though Olivia?"

There is a blaring silence that I have to find a good excuse to fill. But what can I tell him, that I let my judgement be swayed by a selfish meth addict? "The thing is Hunter, it didn't work. It never was going to work. I lied though because I didn't want to let you and Dahlia down."

"Liv, you weren't even there long enough for it to even begin working. Not everything is going to be fixed overnight. I just want you to come home so we can talk." Hunter replies, why is it that he always has something brilliant to say?!

"Hunter I just want you to know that I really want to be with you, I..."

The phone clicks, he hung up on me. I must've really pissed him off, but he trusted his heart that he hadn't even known that long. We hadn't even known each other for a month! But still, the walk to a bus stop and the ride home is the longest and most agonizing trip that I have ever embarked on. I feel like a child that has been disciplined at school and going home to a furious parent. What will I do if Hunter leaves me? I never thought how serious he would be about these things, could I handle losing him? I'm not that attached to him, but my heart feels like it's standing on a burning high-wire that is slowly falling out from under it. The bus stops at the bus stop that I left a little over a week ago, it feels like it's been forever. Right when I think I'm walking on my own, I see Dahlia standing a little off a ways from the bench. She doesn't look happy. I get off the bus and walk up to her, but she doesn't grab me in one of perfume-bomb hugs. She just stands there, silent, with keys in her hands.

"Hey Dahlia." I try to break the ice. But this is my best friend, I shouldn't have to break the ice.

"Why Olivia?" she asks simply.

"Why what?"

"You know damn well what! Remember how last I talked to you, eveything was going fine you had made some friends and some progress on your health. Turns out it was a huge load of bullshit! You know I called up there so excited wanting to know when I could see my best friend whom I would do ANYTHING for, and who I trust more than ANYONE, and it turns out that she'd been lying to me all that time. I had no idea where you had went to, I thought that some rapist had picked you up and raped you and dumped you or something. How could you put me through that?!" her face has begun to grow red. She makes me feel like a little girl being scolded by her mother.

"I'm sorry Dahlia." I have no excuse good enough for her.

"And what are you going to do about Hunter? I had to make him call you."

"I don't know Dahlia, I don't know what I'm going to do about anything anymore."

"You know he's probably going to leave you now. And then what are you going to do? You haven't even gotten over Alexander yet! But you know what really gets me Liv? You had the chance to get better, you had the chance to become the Olivia that I knew before any of this Alexander crap ever happened, and you threw it all away. You screwed up this time, more than you can fix."

"I know, I know." I can't do anything but to fall on the ground and into a heap of tears.

Dahlia gets down on my level and holds me in her arms and I smell that familar perfume that I used to hate. I have forgotten what it is that I used to cherish so much, what was so important to me. I have forgotten what a good friend Dahlia has been to me, she stuck around for me when I let myself go. She could've ran away and left all my problems with me to deal with, but she let me cry on her shoulder. She is the reason that I still have sanity left. I wipe my wet face and rise up.

"I have to talk to Hunter."

"He's at home, you'd have to call him and hope he answers."

I get up and walk the remaining length to my house, I walk in and close the door after Dahlia sneaks in behind me. I grab the house phone and dial Hunter's number. It rings for a few seconds and then Hunter's voice resonates from the other end.

"I'm here, you said you wanted to talk to me."

"Yea, I'll be over there in a few minutes." The phone clicks and my heart beats faster.

"Is he coming over?" Dahlia asks from the couch.

"Yea, he'll be here in a few."

"Well I guess then I'll take my leave. Good luck sweetie." she walks out of my house and then I hear the muffled version of her car starting.

I go to sit on the couch and wait impatiently for the moment that could once again change my life forever...who knows this time if it will be for the better. But either way I have a feeling that whatever happens I will be happy.

And that's all that matters.

Dahlia has left, but it still feels like there's something in the room. Oh yea, it's confusion. Who knew an emotion could feel so human-like? The minutes tick away and the clock finally chimes, an hour has passed. Where is he? Why must he torture me by prolonging his appearance? I try to pass the time by coming up with some reasonable excuses for Hunter, but none of them seem to be good enough. I'm worried, but for some reason I'm not as worried as I thought I would be. What does that mean? Does it mean that I don't love Hunter as much as I thought I did? I do love him, but how much? I don't feel as I thought I might, I'm worried but then again I'm strangely calm. More calm than I ever thought I would be. Almost a hour and a half has passed, I grab my phone to call him. But before I even begin to dial, I hear a knock on the door. This time though, I don't go running to the door. I even consider not even answering the door, what is wrong with me. He looks as if someone has just slapped him and spit in his face, I guess I did that.

"Hi." I say awkwardly.

He doesn't say anything, just grabs me in his arms, "I missed you."

"I missed you too." I agree with him.

"Have you?" he leaves me standing at the door and walks in front of the window.

"Of course I did, what the hell makes you think I didn't?"

"You lied."

"Hunter, I did that because I love you and I didn't want to ruin any chance I had of having a life with you."

"You did that when you left rehab, I told you I only want to be with you if you're better. Right now you're not in a good state of mind. And I don't want you to drag me down with that. I love you Olivia, but not enough to let myself go."

There are fresh tears that are stinging my eyes, my chest is growing heavy because of the knife that Hunter just stuck in it. But he just said the words that I've been wanting to say for awhile. I really did screw up. "So you don't even want to try anymore?"

"You're making me really not want to. I thought you would take this seriously, but it seems that you think it's all a joke." Hunter has seemed to have totally turned around in his mindset.

"I never thought of this as a joke, I thought your 'dedication' to me was a joke!" I have completley lost my cool, I promised myself I wouldn't yell and get pissed but he has just pushed me to the edge.

"Olivia, I don't want to yell. I just wanted to come here to talk to you about what we should do from here."

"Then quit pissing me off!" I reply going to the dining room table.

"Ok, I'm sorry." he says joining me.

"You know Hunter, I thought that maybe you were the one. The one person that was going to help me how to live again. But you're proving me wrong."

"Are you sure, or do you think I was just a replacement for Alexander?"

I have no response, because I just don't know. Maybe he was, and I just didn't allow myself to believe it.

"I think that maybe this isn't going to work out." Hunter says very seriously.

I look at him with understanding eyes, I don't want to fight anymore. I know that this is where this was headed from the beginning. But maybe it was for a good thing.

"Are you sure?" I ask him.

"Yes, and I think you are too. I think that maybe this was never going to work out. But at least we can't say that we didn't try." He kisses me on the forehead and gets up to leave.

"Hunter." I stop him in this tracks. "Will this ever happen again?"

He ponders my question for a few minutes and then gives a reasonable answer, "Maybe when you're whole again. But don't call me until that happens. I can't love half of you, I have to have all of you." He walks out of the door and is gone.

I think about crying, but the tears wouldn't be sincere. I'm surpised at myself to feel even glad that he's gone. But then I think about it, maybe I always knew this would happen. I'm not a whole person, but maybe one day I can be. There will be a new day, and whether I greet it with a smile or a tear-stained face I know that one day it will get better. Hunter may have walked out, but he showed me one thing. It is possible for me to be alright again, it is possible for me to love someone else and give them my heart. It is possible for me to stop crying myself to sleep at night, it is possible for me to be happy again. And regardless that maybe it wasn't with Hunter, he did put me on the road to becoming whole again. I'll always love Hunter, not for him but for what he did. One day, I will find someone that I can truly love all because of Hunter. Alexander is a part of me too, but a part that has been traded for a brighter side. Alexander's dead, but I'm not and I musn't act like I am. Because life can go on, I can smile again.

And that's all that matters...










*
*
*


The End