He’s holding me. Why am I letting this happen? Wait… I think I like it… I feel… safe. This is good. He interrupts my thoughts. “Sorry… I guess you don’t want me so close to you like this.” Billy takes his arms away but stays next to me. Why did he move? I shouldn’t have kept moving away from him like this… He probably thinks I hate him. “Oh…” I say, with nothing more to say. What could I say?




He tried his best to make conversation. “Is there a time you have to be home by?” His question surprised me. I thought he was going to bullsh** about how I shouldn’t cut myself, and there’s still no reason to, but he didn’t. And that was what was good. “No not really, my parents don’t mind. I usually stay out late.” I took two glass bottles of beer I kept in a hole in a tree and offered him one. “Just one. I need to relax and you might as well have one. I don’t plan on going to the rest of my classes.” By my surprise, he took it, popped the cap off professionally, and took a sip, then another.





By the time I checked the clock on my old flip phone it was nine o’clock. The sky was dark and it was too cold for shorts. The shorts I’d been wearing at least. In that time, we’ve been laughing and way past one drink. In fact, we were almost done with my stash. I didn’t know he could be like this. He’s so familiar with that bottle.




“What you said before, Erica, about your family not minding. They just don’t care, do they?” He knew. How did he know? They could have just been cool parents. But he knew it was that they just didn’t want me. He saw my facial expression dramatically change. “Between you and me, all I’ve got is my older brother. My parents aren’t with us. Actually, my mom, she passed away from cancer, but my dad… he just didn’t want to put up with us anymore. He left. Some other country I think. Or he could be dead. I really don’t know. But if there’s any way to turn this whole thing around, do it, before you can’t anymore.” He spoke, and out of everyone’s shitty advice, that was the first time I really listened. “But you don’t see me cutting myself, do you?” His words echoed in my mind as a surprise. How could he say that?





I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to run away. Run away from him; run away from life. So I did. I started running the same way we came into the forest. It wasn’t before I tripped on a pile of branches, realizing I had too much to drink. Suddenly, I got very dizzy and lightheaded. I blacked out quickly.

I guess that was wrong of me to say… She’s so sensitive. I just have to be careful of my words next time, if there is a next time. It’s getting really late out. I could tell because the sun started to rise. Now it’s time to go home. I hope I can find my way out of this god forsaken place.





While walking through, I saw something on the ground. At first I was scared because it looked like an animal. But this was no animal. It was Erica! I dropped to the ground and immediately checked her heart beat. It sounds okay… Then I made sure her head was okay, but when I picked it up, it was on top of a rock. She must have hit her head! What am I supposed to do? She’s just lying there unconscious! I knew I had to act quickly. I took out my cell phone to call 9-1-1. “No service?!” I exclaimed out loud with my shaky voice. Only one thing left to do. I stood up, and then crouched back down. I picked up her weak body and stoop up again. All her arms and legs were falling down. My house isn’t too far away; I just have to make sure I can get out of here.
`





It took a while, but I got to my house. The sun didn’t completely come out yet and when I checked the time on my bedside alarm clock, it read, “4:25 P.M.” I placed her gently on my messy bed, and covered her with blankets. She looks so peaceful, yet so frazzled. I’m sure she will be just fine though. My brother came in and tilted his head then paused and said, “No questions asked. Is she okay?” I nodded my head slowly. I myself had been given a headache by the liquor, but since I’m used to it, it isn’t too bad. I feel asleep on the couch that night, across from the bed.






Morning arrived quickly. I didn’t get a lot of sleep because the couch had broken springs and it was too firm. The floor might have been a better choice. Erica was stirring the whole night and making sounds. Maybe she was having a nightmare? I made a note in my head to ask her about how her night was later on. The only thing is though, if she will tell me.




I decided I’d make waffles and bacon for breakfast, while I head sounds coming from the bedroom. I went to check it out. Erica was sitting in bed against the wall with her knees pressed to her chest gasping. From what I could see, her whole body had sweat all over it. I rushed from the doorway to beside her in seconds and starting asking her what was wrong and if she’s okay. She seemed like she was trying to talk, but couldn’t. She finally made out her words, “I… I had a-a nightmare.” I was scared. What am I supposed to do? I just held her and rubbed her back. “I don’t really know what to do…” I started, “But my mom used to do this whenever I was upset, so maybe it could help you too.” I don’t really know how cheesy that might have sounded, but I just wanted to comfort her. I still don’t know everything that goes on in her life, but from what she already told me it’s a good deal of things. Slowly, her breathing got back to normal and her skin got dryer. She lifted her head up from her knees and looked at me up, and down. Then her eyes met mine and I felt everything around me just stop, and we were the center of the whole world, of all the commotion. She whispered and I watched her lips form the words I was so curious about. She had whispered “thank you”. I didn’t know what to say so I just grabbed her and pulled her closer to me. Then I saw her smile for the first time, in the corner of my eye as she surprised me. She pulled herself away from me jokingly, and said, “Well aren’t you going to get to know me anytime?” I let out a nervous laugh and asked when she’s ready. She said whenever I am. Her laugh lit up the dark room, and I saw that light illuminating all around her again. “Well what about now then?”





The next thing I knew, we were tossing goldfish into each other’s mouths and trying to get it in. We made it a game. Whoever got it in would ask the other a question. It could be personal, or fun. The first ones were fun like, would you rather be chased by a llama or a bear, what type of sandwich would you choose to be, or even what’s your favorite color. It went on for hours. But then it got more serious.



“When’s the last time you’ve cried?” She asks. It takes me awhile and I talk slowly because I don’t really know how she will react. “Last night.” She asks me why. Just a simple one worded question, but that means so much. It means that she cares. And that means the world. The universe. “I miss my mom and even though my dad wasn’t great, I still wonder where he is.” Her carefree bubbly face suddenly changed, but her reply surprised me, “Well, don’t you want to find him?” She said, once again, cheerful. Seeing her smile, I couldn’t resist returning the favor. But on the inside, I was deep in thought. “You know, I could help you. It’s easy to find people nowadays, yellow pages works magic.” She made me laugh. It was so easy for her to make me laugh when I was in such a dark place in my mind. I still didn’t know what to say. My tongue got tied into knots even a boy scout would run away from. “I don’t know if that’s a great idea…” I said hesitantly, and then she flashed me a smile of those pearl white teeth again. “I think it is.” She was so sure of herself. Like she could picture the whole thing in her head right there and then. But it was then I realized I was trying to picture it too. The two of us talking out everything, both apologizing about the things we had done wrong-and there was a lot. Maybe my brother would even join us too, it would put off a lot of the pressure having him there and talking as well. “Maybe… it is a good way.” Then, as she’s been doing lately, here came that snooty come back. “Have I ever steered you wrong?” She smiled and I couldn’t help but forgetting about everything that was on my mind. I replied, saying, “Well you did almost get me lost when you ran from me that night in the forest.” She giggled. It was at that moment. I fell in love. I never thought this time would come, but it did. It came faster and out of nowhere than I could have ever imagined it. I took that moment. I took it faster than it could leave. I put my hands on her face, and rubbed my thumb slowly up and down her face. Then I leaned in. All of my bad expectations of this never even happened. She didn’t move away, but leaned in just as I did. And she never chickened out, but followed through, and kissed me back. The sparks that I had called stupid, were now stupendous and flying all over me and her and I felt good. No, that word can’t even be used, what I really felt was amazing.




I didn’t want to let her lips go, but I did. We pulled apart, but then my arms took her again. She settled herself, leaning on me. Her eyes closed naturally, and so did mine. I guess we both had been tired, because it took seconds until she fell asleep, and for me to do the same.






The next time I opened my eyes, was when I saw the red outline of the time that read “8:25 P.M”. Wow, where did the time go? She looks so peaceful the last thing I’d want to do is wake her and stop that, but it’s getting late and she hasn’t been home since yesterday morning. I know she thinks her parents don’t care, but I know this will make them care. They might think something happened and I don’t want to get her into any trouble. I placed my hand on her shoulder, and rubbed gently, trying to wake her the best way possible. When she moved a little she made a small yawn and opened her eyes. I felt myself falling in love all over again. She whispered, “good morning”. I smiled and laughed at her and replied sassily, “good morning sleepy head”. She shoved me playfully, and smiled right back at me. Then I pointed to the clock and she practically jumped up. “Wow, already?!” She exclaimed. The excitement and bubbliness all left her face and she was frantic now looking for her hoodie. Calmly, I got up, and headed towards my closet. She made a small remark about it being obvious or something, but I wasn’t really paying attention because I was sad she was leaving. I didn’t want her to go. I felt like she just got here. But she needed to; I knew it was better because like I said I don’t want her to be in trouble. So I kissed her cheek as she hugged me goodbye, and it felt as if we were stuck in pause.

I walked home and by the time I made it there, everybody had already been sleeping. So I just walked straight to my room. I took off my jacket and threw it on the bed that hasn’t been made since maybe my last year of elementary school. Maybe I can get started and search for Billy’s dad. I decided I’ll text him first to make sure it’s alright; I do need his name anyway.
I walked home and by the time I made it there, everybody had already been sleeping. So I just walked straight to my room. I took off my jacket and threw it on the bed that hasn’t been made since maybe my last year of elementary school. Maybe I can get started and search for Billy’s dad. I decided I’ll text him first to make sure it’s alright; I do need his name anyway.




Hey Billy, I was wondering if you could tell me your dad’s full name and any brief information you may know about him so I could begin looking him up. Btw, thanks for everything. You’re great














I ended the text, and then pressed send. Putting the phone down on my computer desk, he came into my thoughts again. I believe that “thanks” was much owed. I want to repay him for everything. I mean, anybody else would have just left me after I flipped out like that in the forest. Before, while we were asking questions, he told me his birthday was coming up. I could plan something great or get him something he really wants or needs. It’s almost next week though, so I hope I’ll have enough time to get to know him well to give him what he wants. My phone was still out and Billy already texted back. I pressed the series of needed buttons and got to the message.

Don’t even thank me. I’m glad I could help… And my dad’s name is Robert Smith, born in ’59, blue eyes and short brown hair. That’s about it




“Okay…” I say to myself. “Time to get started.” I slid my laptop out in front of me and opened it up. While it was turning on, abrupt knocking at my door stopped me and I froze. All of a sudden, it slammed open and my dad came stumbling in, banging into everything on the way. He dented my door with his foot when he kicked it open. Oh great… perfect timing daddy dearest.








“What are you doing sitting around here like a lazy b****? You haven’t even gotten started on your chores!” I looked up at him making a shadow on my face with the shape of his fist. I felt myself get teary. He yelled again. “What do you think you’re doing? That crap might work with your mother but it never has and it never will with me! Now go do your chores!”




“But… Daddy… I have some really important school work to do.” The only reason why I lied was because he gave me way too much things to do around the house. It wasn’t fair.





“I don’t give a s***!” He came really close to me and his hand flew across my face, leaving a red print that left me crying instantly. Luckily, he just stormed out of the room and slammed the front door shut. I heard his old ford truck start up and the gravel flying from under it as he left angrily. “Ouch…” I said aloud, rubbing my cheek. There’s no way this isn’t going to leave a nasty bruise… What will Billy think when he sees it? I don’t know what to do… Will he be mad at me that I let it happen? I might have been able to stop him from hitting me… I shut off my computer and lay down on my bed. I dug my iPod out of my front pocket and put the ear buds in. Blasting music, like Three Days Grace and Papa Roach, I started singing along. As more and more tears began to fall, my voice was cracking more and it became harder to sing. Just one cut; just one. One and it will go away. I can make this pain go away.





I reach under my pillow, and pull out my razor blade. I studied it, and felt the sharp blade with my fingers. The light caught the tip, and lite it up. It shone like an angel. It shone like beautiful, sweet, salvation. And I dragged it across my wrist. No more thinking. I have to do this. I just have to. Everything will be better in the morning. A bunch of little piles of red began forming, and then I couldn’t stop. I’d been dragged and carried under a current of the biggest wave and this would be the worst time I’ve ever done it. Again, I pushed through my skin several times, cutting it up and leaving new cuts behind. What am I doing?! I said I’d only do it once… then I’d be done. Do I know what I’m doing to myself? My thoughts couldn’t even stop me, no matter how agonizing they were. I kept going; cutting and tearing up my own body. I went from just on my wrist, to my forearm, to my shoulder. Red has been dripping on the white sheets on my bed and the carpet. Eventually, my whole arm got red and my vision was blurred because I’ve been crying so much. I felt lightheaded and as if the room was spinning. I lost my balance and collapsed on the bed.

Why hasn’t Erica texted or called me? Would she really just go to sleep without telling me? I don’t think she would… What if something happened? I hope everything’s okay…





Hours have passed and now I’m starting to think something’s wrong. I know; I’ll leave her a text message to wake up to. I picked up my phone off my bed and started typing on it.

Hello, Beautiful. I hope everything is all okay, I wanted to text you good night, but I guess I thought you were going to but it’s okay. We should meet up in the forest around 12; I’ll see you there



I ended the text message and stuffed it in my pocket. Not realizing it, I eagerly watched the hands go around and around the face of the clock that hangs high on my wall. Time passed so slowly, it felt like it could have been years before it was twelve! But when the time finally arrived, I ran as fast as I could.



Once I get there, I take a sit on the same tree trunk as we did last time. I had to wait awhile before she got here. As she slowly started to come into view through all of the tree branches, I thought to myself. What took her so long? Was she not sure about coming? Maybe she came so she didn’t hurt my feelings. “Hiya,” she said taking a seat next to me, closer than last time. “Sorry I’m late. I slept a little too well last night.” Her face was smiling and cheerful, it was as if it were a dream. My dream, only because the angelic glow was once again surrounding her, and the birds had even chimed in. Gosh, I wish she were mine. She almost there though, right? After all we’ve done together this weekend? Today is Sunday, and I can’t say I’m the happiest person because that means tomorrow we can’t spend all day together. I take a chance and seized the dream-like moment and made it mine. I looked down and her hand that was taunting me, lying right next to me. I brushed up against it first then made my deep voice a whisper for only her to understand, “May I take your hand?” It might have sounded stupid to me, but her eyes lit up at the offer. As I held my hand open, she took it, and I closed the gap between our hands and rested them on my lap. I watched her eyes waiting to see what other mysteries this girl holds. She continues to amaze me, time after time.



Her cheeks start to turn pink, like a flower budding, I saw her start to fall for me too; again. I wrapped my other arm around her shoulder and rubbed up and down. But her expression changed. Something in her face- I couldn’t describe it. Possibly wincing? Thinking it would help, I applied a little pressure and squeezed her, thinking she wanted me to hug her. The wincing increased as she withdrew herself from me. I stopped trying to hold her, and just played with her hand in mine while I tried talking to her. “What’s wrong Erica? Am I making you feel uncomfortable, because I can just hold your hand, I’m okay with that.” With a quiet shaky voice, she did her best to reply to me. “N-no… It, it isn’t th-that.” She looked down, avoiding my eyes. I asked her what was wrong again. This time she looked directly at me, her eyes drowning in a puddle, as she took off her hoodie and exposed an arm covered in purplish- red and dried blood. I hope I didn’t, but I felt my jaw drop. I had never seen anything like that before. “Oh my god… Erica… Are you okay?”



She looked unsatisfied with my reaction, waits awhile, and then answers. “I don’t know… Usually I clean them, but I didn’t because I wanted to see you.” I felt uneasy and worrying. I had never worried this much in my life before. I thought quickly on what to do. “Okay, we need to go and clean this really soon! Let’s go to my house and I’ll take care of you, okay? Just promise me you’ll be okay. Pinky promise me.” She looked at me as if I were a child. “Just do it, please.” She lent her tiniest finger out to me, and I reached for it with mine. We linked them for what seemed like forever. Whenever we touch, time feels slow and paused. But I wouldn’t call it weird, Bizarre, maybe, but not weird. It’s the best feeling; like we are living by our own clocks and everyone’s just living through the motions of their life. We are the only ones there for love. It wasn’t long until we got home.




I lead her up to the stoop and slid a key out from under the welcome matt. I put the key in the keyhole and pushed open the door and let her in first. When my mom was around, she was so focused on teaching me manners. I’ve never once treated a girl bad. It was always me holding doors open and holding other girls’ books. What really annoyed me was the fact that kids started calling me a flirt. I swear; people don’t know the difference between flirting and being nice. But now, I was only going to do all that for Erica. She’s all that matters now. I showed her to the bathroom and she noticed that my mind was elsewhere. “What’re you thinking about?”




Her question surprised me. I answered semi honestly. “Well, just thinking.” I did feel bad about not telling her, because I’m pretty sure she took as if I was hiding something. But I’m not. I’m just trying not to be so cheesy. “But hey, what do we do when we’re in school?” Her expression looked puzzled as she asked what I’d meant about that. “Well, I hold you, we hold hands, and we kiss. Is this all going to continue, or are we going back to the same old same old?” She looked down for a second, then back up at me.




“I want it to continue Billy; I really do, if you want it to.”



“Do I even need to answer that?” I seized the moment once again. I will never let one of these out of my reach. Once again, I got the same incredible feeling I always do when we touch and kiss. I reached for her lips and she knew what I wanted and she just went with it. Like our lips were magnets, or maybe our hearts. It felt like slow motion as my lips met hers and her lips met mine and it was like a whole family reunion with cousins meeting for the first time.

It felt like everything stopped. The fish in the fish tank, the birds chirping, and even the ticking of the clock. It feels like it all stopped just to watch us. And suddenly, when his lips landed on mine, the world didn’t feel so bad after all. And I was okay with being alive for the first time in my life. This wasn’t just a kiss. This was love. And for all those people who say sixteen year olds can’t understand love, this is my proof against them. You’ll never understand something fully, unless you go through it for yourself. And I’m in love. I really am.




I wake up from my day dream to feel his lips lifting themselves up and away. I frown but smile on the inside so he knows how much I like that. Then he speaks up and I know he’s saying that we have to clean my cuts, but I’m not really focusing. I just wanted to continue kissing him, but I understand they need to be cleaned. He reaches down and takes my arm and rolls my sleeve up and holds it up to his mouth. Looking at it, he told me that he doesn’t want me doing it anymore.





“If you feel hurt or annoyed, I want you to vent to me and even scream at the top of your lungs. If someone upset you, I want you to tell me who, and I’ll comfort you. If you ever have the urge to hurt yourself, talk to me and we’ll talk it out. If you ever have trouble sleeping, let me know, and I’ll be right over.”





As he said those words I thought about how I wish I’d met him sooner. It actually felt possible to stop cutting myself. It was incredulous. How one person could make me such a better one myself? I got confused as he lowered his head but then he started to kiss my cuts. He’s perfect. He didn’t even miss one. Every single one of my cuts, were kissed. You know how when you were younger and your parents would “kiss it better”? Well, not to sound cliché, but it did make it feel better. In fact, it took the sting out and I barely even noticed they were there anymore. When he looked back up after going all the way up my arm, he kissed my cheek and looked back at me. And I can’t believe it took me this long to notice his eyes. They were deep blue with a hint of green mixed in. It was like trying to look at the ocean with seaweed floating by and getting in the way. But you didn’t mind it, because it took you awhile to realize, but the seaweed is just as pretty. “I’m still going to put cream on it. Here,” He said and paused while he guided me to the stool. “Sit here and I’ll get it.” It took a while for him to find it in the drawer, but he did, and put little by little on his finger then dabbed it on my arm. After he covered all the cuts, he rubbed it in. “This doesn’t hurt, does it?” He is always looking out for me. I smiled a little at the thought, and shook my head no. Rubbing it helped as well, but then again, maybe it’s just him who’s really helping. Again, I smiled again.





“You keep smiling.”




“I know.” I said, returning the sassy remark he gave to me.




“Well, what are you thinking about?” That’s such a bland question, I could answer it anyway I want to.




“What you said before, I do want to act like this is school, but isn’t it kind of weird that we’re just friends?” I cocked a smile and raised my eyebrows, and he just took me by the hand and ran out of the house. The sun was just setting and his back yard has so many trees it could be considered a forest. He stopped us next to a little flower garden.




“Which one is your favorite?” He motioned to a bunch of small flowers and I studied them, trying to make the best decision. What is he up to? I pointed at the orange water lily, which is my favorite out of every flower, not just these. He then broke off the stem and faced me. “Erica, you’re beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I’d be honored if you’d be my girl.” He smiled so sweetly, and I just grabbed onto him and gave him a really big hug. On my tippy toes, I whispered “yes” in his ear. His arms reached around my waist then he lifted my feet off the ground and squeezed me tight. Wow, this really is a fairytale.









After that, we went back inside so he could wrap an aced bandage around my arm. He had to use two because of it being all the way up my arm. When he’d finally taken care of my cuts I started talking about his farther. I could tell this topic had been easier to discuss because his expression has gotten less tense. We kept talking about a plan to find him; I already had a bunch of addresses of names and descriptions that matched. It helped since Billy knew that he moved to California after.




“Why do you want to help me find my Dad so much?”




I had to think about that for a minute. “Well, you may not know it, but you’ve already done so much for me.” I thought he would have asked what he’s done, but all he did was smile and say, “It’s my pleasure.”






I couldn’t help but smile back, and then I continued the conversation. “So you know we have to go to California right?” It would be a long drive, since we live in New York. It has the craziest taxis, the best hotdogs, and where the ball drops signaling the New Year or as we’d like to call it, a new start. He just smiled my way and told me to pack my bags.





I waited in his living room while he packed a gym bag with all his clothes, enough for a days. We were planning to take two days driving there is about two days and spend one day there, get back for school on Friday. Honestly, I was nervous about skipping school but I really want to do this quick. He’s eighteen, with a license, and even though I’m only sixteen, he said he’d let me drive a little on the empty roads. We got into his small black car and started to my house.





When we got there he waited outside while I ran in to get my things together. That’s when it hit me. What about my parents? They’re going to come home from work and not be able to find me. Then I got an idea. Walking to the kitchen, I gathered a pen and a note pad on the way. Leaning on the counter, I wrote to them:


Dear Mom and Daddy,
I’m going for a road trip to help out a friend. I’m sorry for not asking for permission but I knew you’d say no and this is important for me. I’ll be back on Friday, and will go to school then.
Love ya,
Erica




I knew they wouldn’t be happy with a note but I wanted to go. So I tapped the note on the front of the refrigerator and walked out and put my bags in the trunk beside Billy’s things. I got in the car, and he started rolling out of the driveway. Here starts the adventure.

After the first two hours, Erica had fallen asleep. I admit I kept looking over at her. The way her chest rose and fell smoothly gave me trouble breathing myself. I’ve been with girls before, so many girls before, but no one could even be compared to Erica. Not even a little.




The next time she opened her eyes, had been the next day. She caught a glance of me peeking at her. There was her smile again that felt like I hadn’t seen in forever, because when you admire something so much, you just want it all the time. It’s like a crave, or an addiction. “What are you looking at?” She giggled and turned over. “I must look like a mess.” But I disagreed. I thought she looked better when she didn’t try to look good. It probably sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. So I said that. “No, you look good; really good.” She smiles at my words, and maybe even just my voice. I hope it’s my voice too. I wonder if she’s as crazy in love as I am. I love every single aspect of her body and mind. Are my eyes taking over her brain as her eyes are doing to mine? I just look at her and see this bright light that she’s trying to hide from everyone, but not me. She lets herself glow when I’m around.




“Hey,” I said, catching her attention again. “I’ve got a question.” She looked at me, tilting her head slightly, and waiting. “What is your biggest fear? What idea scares you the most?” It looked like she pondered it, trying to find the best answer. I interrupted. “Say the first thing that comes to mind.”




“Well, I guess what scares me the most, is that I’ll never be the person I want to be. It just won’t happen, no matter how hard I try.” That statement bothered me. I asked her what she’d meant and she said, “Well once a cutter, always a cutter; right?” She looked at me with angry eyes, but not at me. I could tell someone did something to her. I asked her who said that. It took her a little to form the words, but I understood. Anyway, we weren’t in any sort of rush. We had hours still to go and I wish to help her in any and every way possible. She started up again. “My parents found out a few times. The school had to report it because I didn’t really make it a priority to cover them. And it’s not like I wanted attention, because I didn’t. I wanted to be left alone in school and to do what I needed to do and graduate. But someone always had to tell the teacher. That’s what I can’t stand; no one can just mind their own business. I thought you were just like them, but I now know you’re very different.”





“In what way am I different?” My voice became teasing, but still had an inch of seriousness hidden in it.



“Well, because you don’t listen to tell on me, you listen to be there for me.”



Her words made everything sound beautiful, but maybe what I am doing for her is beautiful. That’s how she’s making it sound. “Well, I will always be here for you. And I need you to know that, if you ever hurt yourself again, you’re hurting me just as much as you are hurting yourself. It sounds harsh, I know, but it’s true. And if you care about me, you will stop. You’re an amazing person. I’m not going to lie and try to say you have a lot of things, because I know you don’t. Right now, life sucks for you. It sucks so badly, you’ve thought about ending everything. And you have the power to. You have the power of getting rid of everything in the world, and never giving it a chance. You’ll never know if things could have gotten better. You’ll never know if your parents would have had a change in heart. And don’t say it’s impossible, because nothing is. Everything that you could think of is possible, so would you be fine with throwing all those possibilities away? Never knowing what could be, and how it should be? You could hold on to hope. Because hope, is all over. Birds test their young when its time, and push them out of the nest. They have hope and faith in them, and the toughest ones survive. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I know you and I know you can make it. You came all this way-and for what? To give up? And if you think suicide is the worst, cutting might as well be labeled suicide. You’re killing all the great things about you little by little, without just ending everything quicker. You need to realize, you matter. You matter so much, and if you’d just give your parents a chance to get to know you like I know you, they wouldn’t be able to neglect you anymore. They wouldn’t be able to neglect such an amazing person as you. Who would be able to?” As I finished, she seemed breath taken. Was I finally able to get through to her? I feel as though I have made a break through. Now… to top it off… I placed my hand on the car seat next to her lap and opened it, asking for her hand. She put her hand on top of mine and as if squeezing all her trust out into me, she wrapped her fingers and hand around mine.





We knew nothing else had to be said, it was already known. And for the first time, the lights looked like they were turned back on in her eyes, and they were shining once again. The love she thought she never had been there all along, she just had to wait for the right moment. And that day, when she bumped into me in the hallway, my shirt was rightfully stained red. It was stained red because of all her sleeves that were stained, to get a little taste of what was about to come, and to guide me. It all made perfect sense now. This was why I was put on this world in the first place. Erica is my sole purpose.

Another day passed before we had arrived. This road trip has been the best thing that happened to me, and if it really wasn’t, it was meeting Billy. He made me realize so many things and I would never be in this righteous state of mind right now if it wasn’t for him. When we did get there, we got down to business right away. We went into the main cities first and checked by the closest streets and addresses. House after house, block after block, and city after city, we combed the whole town looking for his father. Doors were shut in our faces hundreds of times, and there was a lot of walking.




Eventually, we came to a door in San Francisco. It was a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood. The best thing around here was the view of the sunset and sunrise, which was why most people moved out here (at least that’s what the bus driver told us). We knocked on the wooden brown door, but no one came. Billy was ready to give up though. “There’s obviously no one home. Let’s just go back and forget about finding him. We never will.” He went on and on just doubting everything we had come here for. I told him to be patient, because I had a feeling. Maybe this is the house. I just… know it.



After what seemed forever of knocking and waiting, the door was yanked open. An older man with a long, gray beard, and wearing a robe was uncovered behind it.


“Damn kids…” He muttered under his breath, somehow expecting us not to hear it. We’re just kids; it doesn’t mean we can’t hear you. “Whadaya want? I’m busy and don’t want any of whatever your selling.” I tapped my elbow against Billy to get his attention, then whispered to him, “How old were you since the last time you saw him?” He answered me back that he had been five. My heart sank into a new hole forming. This hole was doubt. Doubt that this was a good idea after all, but he did so much for me, the most I can do is try. So I spoke up.




“Excuse me sir, we are so sorry to bother you, we know it’s getting late, but just hear us out for a minute.” In his grumpiest voice yet, he replied, “You got one minute, then I’m shutting this door!”




“Okay… Are you Mr. Morreale?” I had to just come right out and say it like that because even though I had gone through this about a hundred times before, I was starting to get nervous. His jaw dropped.




“Wait, how do you know my name?!” He angrily demanded. I didn’t know how to go about this. Billy was nervously looking down at the marble stone stoop. “Well, how?!” He repeated this about twice before he got an answer.



“We think you might be his dad.” I nodded my head towards Billy and he looked up for the first time meeting the man’s eyes, with his eyes wide.



“No… This isn’t possible… Wait… Billy?” He looked so hopeless and full of doubt. One would think being reunited with a son would be the greatest day of a father’s life. But he looked terrified. That was when Billy finally spoke up.



“Yeah… That’s me. Hey dad…” He looked back at the ground, not knowing what was going to happen next, and part wanting to run away now before the rejection.



“No… wait. What am I talking about?” A grin stretched wide across his face as he let out a chuckle. “I don’t have a son; my brother’s name is Billy.”



“Dad…You have to remember me. I’m your son!” Billy pleaded to him, but he just wouldn’t listen.




“No, you aren’t my son. I gave you a minute, now I’m closing my door. Good luck.” Then he shut the door… Just like that. I can’t believe someone would do such a thing. Billy stared at the door with puddles forming in his eyes. I have to try and calm him down.




“Billy, I am so sorry… I had no idea this would happen.” He started down the stoop, and down the block. “It’s okay. I had to have expected this from all I remember of my good ole faithful dad.” I walked beside him and grabbed onto his hand and held it, gripping it tightly but comforting. When we finally got back to the car, we stood against it before getting in.





“You know, you’re an extraordinary person, Erica.” I was confused.



“But, I didn’t get you and your dad talking again.”



“Why does that matter? I think the only thing that matters is how much you care about me and how hard you tried to find him. And you know what? We found him, and he shut us both out, which means we were never meant to have that close relationship. If that’s the way things were meant to be, I have to learn to move on without that father figure.” He looked over at me and saw I was frowning and disappointed at myself. So he continued. “As humans, there are so many things we want to do for those we care for. But also as humans, we need to learn how to move forward from the things we can’t have, and learn to live without them.” When he finished, I was stunned. I didn’t know what I could say to that. I just felt so much better about everything. After a period of silence, I broke the ice.




“Well, we should get going to school; it is a god two days away from here anyways.” I smiled up at him, and at the same instance that he smiled back, it felt like the sun came back out. Then, he took my hand and pulled me back just as I was getting ready to get into the car. “What are you doing, silly?”





“I have to tell you something.” His face was sincere, but still smiling and bubbly. Then, he came out with it. “I love you.” These words were pronounced perfectly, just like in the movies and every girl’s dreams. I tried to find how to say it back, but it just flowed out of mouth naturally, and I said, “I love you too”. This was the first time I realized, I don’t regret everything I do. I was so proud to finally say those words back to him. My heart felt warm and the feeling overwhelmed me. I guess we were just the only ones who truly understood.