(ENTER classroom. The students mill about until TEACHER #1 enters the room.)

TEACHER #1: All right, everyone, settle down. You’ve all had a chance to prepare. The study guide has been on my website all this time, so no excuses. Please place your binders below your desks so that no paper is visible.

(Throughout TEACHER #1’s instructions, the majority of the group quiets and falls into chairs. LUCILLE, however, silently sits with elegance in the front row, lightly placing her books upon the floor, sitting up with perfect posture and pulling a pencil from behind her ear. She places it parallel to the side of her desk, intertwining her fingers as she waits for the rest of the class to settle.

Another student, TROUBLEMAKER, slumps into a chair directly next to LUCILLE. HE drops a large, disorganized binder onto the floor, then yanks a pencil from his pocket and slouches tiredly. SHE glances at him, suspicious. HE stares. LUCILLE scoots an almost unnoticeable amount away.

Just then, CASSIDY enters the room, searching for a seat. LUCILLE nervously calls her over.)

LUCILLE: Cassidy! There’s a- um, there’s an open seat next to me!

CASSIDY: Greetings, Lucille!

LUCILLE: Ready for the test?

CASSIDY: But of course! I was looking for you.

TEACHER #1: Quiet, class! The tests are being passed out! One word means detention.

(Tests are distributed. LUCILLE begins immediately, while CASSIDY considers and begins to write. TROUBLEMAKER, however, sits, apparently dumbfounded by the questions. LUCILLE becomes aware of this, and glances towards him. HE appears not to notice.

As LUCILLE somewhat worriedly works across the page, TROUBLEMAKER quickly glances toward her paper. LUCILLE whirls to face him, nearly speaking until SHE notices TEACHER #1 reading. LUCILLE slowly and silently turns back towards her test, inconspicuously placing her arm between TROUBLEMAKER and her answers.

CUT to LUCILLE and CASSIDY in hallway.)

LUCILLE: He was totally cheating!

CASSIDY: Are you sure?

LUCILLE: Oh, no! He was definitely staring at my paper. The whole time! If we were just able to talk during the test-

CASSIDY: No, no! Lucille! You know those kids! Kids like Nate. Punishment doesn’t matter to them. Just show him he can’t copy off of you anymore.

LUCILLE: Avoid him? That seems passive.

CASSIDY: You can try, right? He won’t follow you, just move on to a different kid.

LUCILLE: I guess. I just can’t stand a cheat. I’ll see you in class, then. Bye, Cass.

(LUCILLE walks away as CASSIDY lingers behind. TROUBLEMAKER calmly walks up to match her pace. CASSIDY, blank-faced, hands him a five-dollar bill. TROUBLEMAKER walks ahead and turns right. CASSIDY turns left. The hall empties once more, and the CHARLIE, the sixth-grader, is again stranded. HE manages to rush down the hall, skidding into his next class just in time.

The tone sounds to signal the start of second period. CUT to a different classroom. Students sit at large group tables. TEACHER #2 speaks.)

TEACHER #2: We all know what we’re doing, right?

(General consent is heard.)

TEACHER #2: Perfect! Remember: We need the project done by tomorrow, okay? Work hard; if you have any problems, feel free to ask! Forge on!

(The groups get busy. PAN to table in the back of the room, where PHOEBE, BILL, and NATE work. Well, at least PHOEBE and BILL. As two discuss the project, NATE slouches and props his feet upon the table. HIS actions remain unnoticed; it is a regular occurrence.)

PHOEBE: Okay, Bill. Let’s get the boring stuff over with. How do we make the information bold? Exciting?

BILL: What?

PHOEBE: Think about it, Bill. Kids walking down the hallway don’t stop to read about mineral classification! You have a brain, Bill. Use it!

BILL: Um, I guess I’d narrow down facts. Nobody likes to read big paragraphs. I’d go with bullet points, personally.

PHOEBE: Good, good. We’ll condense it to eight little definitions, and glamorize the rest!

BILL: Phoebe. You do know we’re getting graded on this.

PHOEBE: There’s extra credit for creativity!

BILL: One point extra credit.

PHOEBE: Fine, we’ll distribute the terms more evenly to fill up the page.

BILL: We still need space for a paragraph. It may be boring, but the teacher is the audience.

PHOEBE: All right! Let’s get to work!

BILL: Do you want scissors, Nate?

NATE: No, thanks.

PHOEBE: You’re lucky I care so much about my grade, Nate. Otherwise, I’d make you help.

NATE: Sure.

BILL: C’mon, let’s cut out the definitions.

PHOEBE: How should we order them?

BILL: Just like in the book. Teachers like when you organize it the way the book does… It makes it easier for them to grade.

(PHOEBE and BILL work diligently as NATE casually watches.)

NATE: Hurry up, guys. We’re running out of time.

PHOEBE: Really, Nate?

BILL: Phoebe-

NATE: I’m no help with the poster. Don’t you want me to be useful somehow?

PHOEBE: Telling us that we’re running late isn’t helpful! We’re short one person, in case you haven’t noticed!

NATE: I’m just saying. If you want a good grade, you’d better stop arguing with me and start working!

PHOEBE: Nathaniel-

BILL: Phoebe-

PHOEBE: He’s getting a good grade out of this! What more does he want?

(The tone sounds.)

NATE: We’re out of time. Someone had better take the poster home to finish.

(Students once again walk along, meet, depart. The routine has become monotonous. This time, however, the camera PANS beyond the mob and enters the office. A turn allows an ENTRANCE into the counselor’s office. RICHARD sits with his head on the desk. The school counselor, DR. WILSON, is upset.)

RICHARD: You’re a school counselor. You’re supposed to solve my problems.

WILSON: I’ve tried to help you, Richard, but I-

RICHARD: Nobody knows me. Nobody recognizes me. Everyone else has a group.

WILSON: Richard, you’re an introvert.

RICHARD: I am aware of that.

WILSON: Why do you ask my help if you ignore what I say?

RICHARD: Are you hinting that your door is not always open?

WILSON: No, no. My door is always open, Richard. If my advice isn’t working for you, just ask someone else you trust.

RICHARD: A friend? Oh, wait. Never mind. A family member? I’ve tried. They say, “You have courage. You’re friendly.” Nice words. Hasn’t helped.

WILSON: Could you just go out there, Richard? Walk up to someone, ask them their name?

RICHARD: That sounds like I’m reading from a script. “Hi. My name is Richard. What is your name? I enjoy… baseball. What are your interests and/or hobbies?”

WILSON: You don’t like it when a conversation sounds scripted?

RICHARD: On the nose. In fact, it’s just why I don’t like these conversations?

(HE stands up to leave.)

WILSON: You think that what I say isn’t what I mean?

RICHARD: That’s right.

(RICHARD walks away. BEAT, then:)

WILSON: On the nose.

RICHARD: What?

WILSON: Richard, do you want to hear exactly what I think?

RICHARD: Sure.

WILSON: Me as a person, not a school counselor.

RICHARD: Yep.

WILSON: Off-the-record.

RICHARD: Uh-huh.

WILSON: I think that you are a wonderful boy, Richard. I think that, if going up and getting to know people wasn’t such a struggle for you, you could be one of the most popular kids in this school. I think that there are many people out there who would love your personality. Not everyone, but I don’t find this an all-or-nothing kind of world, and I think you’d be just fine.

But we don’t live in that world. You can’t just change who you are, you can’t fix problems easily, and there is no such thing as magic. And I believe that because of this, you are stubborn. You could, with a lot of effort, change, but you feel beyond hope. It’s going to be a battle for you, for the rest of your life. I can’t wave a wand and heal all the boo-boos. I can advise you, but I can’t make you friends. Only you can do that.

(BEAT. RICHARD is stunned, but hides it.)

RICHARD: What good does that do me?

(CUT. Once more, the tone. Students file out of the building, an unidentifiable mass. Fighting the surge of the crowd, however, is an unnoticed teen, differentiated only by a professional, yet casual black hat. He carries a briefcase, and descends to the halfway-darkened lower floor. This is the REPRESENTATIVE TO THE ETHICIST. HE nears the cafeteria door and stops, placing his briefcase upon the tiled floor. HE opens it, removes a solitary sheet of paper, tapes it to the wall, clips his briefcase, and walks away with dignity. Soon after he leaves, the last light is extinguished, and there is only darkness.)

(OPEN on two clicking shoes moving with military confidence down the hall. In a separate section of the building, a similar pair snaps to a tempo of precision. CUT to the last of the students, slamming their locker doors shut and crossing nearby thresholds as CHARLIE finds himself once again stuck. CUT to the pair of shoes, clacking upon every descending stair. CUT BACK to CHARLIE, tugging at his locker door, yanking it open. As CHARLIE slams his locker shut and stumbles to class, one pair of shoes turns the corner as the other enters from the far staircase. PAN upwards to the PRINCIPAL and VICE, patrolling the halls with unconcerned expressions. CHARLIE is surrounded.

Trying to act casually fails. The VICE pulls a slab of pink tickets from her pocket with great force, tossing the packet to the PRINCIPAL, as if repeatedly rehearsed. The PRINCIPAL grabs the back of CHARLIE’S shirt, bends him over, pulls a pen from her shirt pocket, and writes upon the top slip. In perfect rhythm, SHE clicks the pen closed, lifts CHARLIE to a standing position, reinserts the pen in her pocket, tears the slip from the stack, tosses the remainder of the stack to VICE, turns CHARLIE to face HER, and hands HIM the slip coldly. This entire process takes no more than 20 seconds.

The writing on the slip is never viewed, but judging by CHARLIE’S expression it appears to be a detention, lunch punishment of some kind, or other traumatic referral. As HE stares at the paper, the PRINCIPAL and VICE walk briskly, and in unison, down the hall.

CUT to the hall outside the cafeteria. Students, rushing and relieved, enter the double doors of the lunchroom, not noticing a newly posted, simple sheet of paper taped to the wall beside the doors. It is an advertisement. Typed upon the sheet is as follows: “An Ethicist. Problems Solved. No Questions Asked. Anonymity Ensured. 867-5309.” Endless bunches of teens file in. Among them are LUCILLE and CASSIDY.)

LUCILLE: How’d you do?

CASSIDY: Great! I’d even strive to say my score was higher than yours!

LUCILLE: Nah. We’re always getting the same grade. What was it?

CASSIDY: 3.8. 2 questions missed. Solid A.

LUCILLE: You’re kidding.

CASSIDY: Nope.

LUCILLE: Same!

(BOTH laugh until PHOEBE, ALEXIA, and VERONICA walk by.)

VERONICA: Cassidy. Lucille. How nice to see you.

LUCILLE: Oh, hello, Veronica. Alexia. Phoebe.

CASSIDY: Well, good. We all know each other’s names. Shall we depart, dearest Lucille?

VERONICA: How were we on the test today, ladies?

CASSIDY: We both received an A, as you had most likely guessed. Lucille, let’s go now.

VERONICA: An A. How do you do it?

ALEXIA: Amazing!

VERONICA: You both must work very hard, hmm?

LUCILLE: Yes, in fact. We do.

VERONICA: Well, we must be going. Goodbye.

(VERONICA, ALEXIA, and PHEOBE giggle as they depart.)

CASSIDY: It’s funny. They only gave us compliments, yet I’m offended.

LUCILLE: What were they even implying? Why do they pick on us?

CASSIDY: Forget it. Just eat. You don’t like them, you don’t respect them, you don’t care about their opinions, a high grade is good, just eat, okay?

(CUT to OFFICES area. As CHARLIE enters in fear near the PRINCIPAL’S door, VICE strides in.)

VICE: Charlie?

(CHARLIE glances up.)

VICE: The principal is currently in a discussion with a member of the school board. Please sit down and wait. She will speak to you about your behavior in the hallway soon.

(VICE walks to her desk, sits. RICHARD enters, nears WILSON.)

RICHARD: Nice try.

WILSON: What?

RICHARD: I see what you did. Thanks for trying, but you can’t help me. You gave me advice. It didn’t work. Okay?

WILSON: Richard, I’m not quite sure-

RICHARD: “An Ethicist. Problems Solved. No Questions Asked. Anonymity Ensured.” It’s a great idea, acting like some student, putting up a sign to help others. But I know it’s you. Everyone does.

WILSON: Richard, what sign? Ethicist?

RICHARD: I only came to tell you that you need a new plan. Nobody will fall for it.

VICE: What exactly are you doing, Dr. Wilson?

WILSON: I’m not-

VICE: You do realize your limits as a school counselor, do you not?

WILSON: I understand those limits, but-

VICE: But nothing! The least you could have done was ask the higher authorities before you advertised!

RICHARD: Wait, you’re not allowed to-

VICE: Quiet, Richard. Dr. Wilson, your job description states-

WILSON: Please! I did not put up any signs! Until now, I was not aware of its existence!

(PRINCIPAL opens door.)

PRINCIPAL: Excuse me, everyone, but the director of the school board and I are having a very important conversation!

VICE: I apologize. It’s entirely my fault.

(As she says this, VICE motions with her hands, telling the PRINCIPAL to hurry up so that they could talk. PRINCIPAL once again closes the door.)

CHARLIE: Um, excuse me-

VICE: Charlie! Um, you are dismissed. Please leave.

CHARLIE: But the principal-

VICE: What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Go on! You aren’t in trouble anymore! Go!

(CHARLIE hurriedly exits in relief. RICHARD remains cautiously.)

WILSON: Should Richard-

VICE: Yes! And you, too!

RICHARD: (Exiting.) You aren’t the Ethicist?

WILSON: Not that I’m aware of.

VICE: Out!

(RICHARD hurries down the stairs. He grabs his book bag and pencil, then turns to go. The tone sounds. Running ahead of the mob, HE speeds to the sign. Scribbling down a phone number, he then sprints away. VERONICA, PHEOBE, and ALEXIA walk out in unison. The sign catches PHOEBE’S eye.)

PHOEBE: Veronica! Alexia! Look at this!

VERONICA: Who would call this number? It’s probably some nerd trying to make friends.

ALEXIA: Yeah. Only a nerd would use the word ‘ethicist”.

(Laughing, VERONICA and ALEXIA walk away. PHOEBE glances at the sheet, but only for a small moment longer. SHE laughs and runs to catch up with her friends. School is dismissed.

CUT to the principal’s office. PRINCIPAL and VICE sit in discussion.)

PRINCIPAL: A what?

VICE: An ethicist. This person – He, she, whoever – promises to solve other student’s problems. They keep their customers’ names secret. They help when friends, family, or counselors can’t help, I suppose. Frankly, I’d be a little shocked if this ethicist got any business.

PRINCIPAL: Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no.

VICE: What is it?

PRINCIPAL: Please tell me this is just a bad dream.

VICE: I can tell you that if you want me to, but-

PRINCIPAL: The school board! Oh, the school board. They’re already suspicious. They’ll hear about this for sure!

VICE: What do you mean?

PRINCIPAL: Tracking down a business is difficult enough. Remember the Pokémon years?

VICE: Oh, no. Never again.

PRINCIPAL: If this Ethicist thing catches on, I’ll never hear the end of it. What a scandal! An illegal, independent business, sure. But a business that deals in ethics?

VICE: What?

PRINCIPAL: What if this Ethicist is gossipy? Storing up as much bullying artillery as possible under a false, reassuring name? Kids spilling the darkest corners of their lives to someone they don’t even know. What if this Ethicist asks for personal information? What if this Ethicist knows things we don’t? What if there are drugs on campus? Cheating rings? What if everyone but us knows about some horrendous thing in this school? All it would take is one student telling one family member, and blam! We get blown out of the water!

VICE: What do we do?

PRINCIPAL: I don’t know! How do we take down an anonymous person?

VICE: Wait a minute! That’s easy!

PRINCIPAL: How?

VICE: (Leans in.) Just call.

(CUT to NATE in his house. HE is anxious, completely unlike the Nate at school. HE takes a deep breath, and then dials the number slowly. HE begins to sweat, getting more nervous with each dial. HE starts to lose his concentration, but he manages to complete the number. A ring. Another ring. A third ring. A fourth. Someone picks up on the other end. The voice is calm and relaxed, yet astoundingly dignified. The REPRESENTATIVE TO THE ETHICIST speaks.)

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

(With the sound of a live voice, NATE immediately regains a fake, cool composure.)

NATE: Yeah, hey. Um, I’m calling for a friend of a friend. They’ve got a problem, but they wanted to know if you were, you know, reliable. I just called to see if I could get them the list of your other customers. Yeah, you know.

REP: (Courteous, yet blunt.) You’re lying.

NATE: (Nervous.) What?

REP: You are not calling for a friend of a friend. Now, it may be prejudiced of me to say this, but, well, considering your current reputation, I’m afraid that I would not give you my list of clients, even if it were within my power to do so.

(NATE, silent, nervously breathes into the phone, his identity discovered.)

REP: Are you all right? You seem to be breathing quite heavily, Nathaniel.

(NATE, terrified, slams the phone down.

CUT to the PRINCIPAL, phone in hand. She dials madly. One ring, and the REP answers.)

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

PRINCIPAL: You represent the Ethicist?

REP: That is correct. How may I help you?

PRINCIPAL: I’d like to speak to the Ethicist.

REP: I apologize. You’ve seen our print advertisement, yes?

PRINCIPAL: Yes.

REP: Well, by “anonymity ensured”, we are referring to the Ethicist as well as our clients.

PRINCIPAL: Fine. You’ll just have to pass the message along. As the principal of the school which you placed your print advertisement in, I demand that the Ethicist’s work here ceases to continue.

REP: On what cause?

PRINCIPAL: You are breaking the school district policy: Non-school related businesses are not permitted on campus. Despite the fact that your company exists in the realm of the airwaves, you are intruding the campus through your advertising. I have made my decision, and you must take your little commercial down, and cut communication between the Ethicist and any customers who attend this school.

REP: I would wholeheartedly agree with your decision, principal, were it not for a simple mistake that has led to your accusation. You refer to the Ethicist as “conducting a business”, and students who use this resource as “customers”. As the representative, I’ll refer to the Ethicist in first person, if you would allow me to: My help is not exchanged for profit. Our organization does not ask favors, search for tips, or even work towards donation. I am giving your students a gift, a service. To take my gift from them is not your duty, but your opinion. I hope that I do not seem to be opposing you. I am attempting to sort out problems for the good of the community. If you have any further concerns with my practices, please call back at any time. I wish to address anything about the Ethicist I am permitted to divulge, so as to keep you at ease. Thank you for calling.

(The REPRESENTATIVE hangs up. The PRINCIPAL sets the phone down and stares forward.)

PRINCIPAL: I’m beginning to hate this kid.

(OPEN on an 8th-grade hallway. As waves of people push back and forth, a slip of notebook paper falls from PHOEBE’S backpack. In the rush to the next class, nobody notices but downward-peering NATE. HE lifts the sheet, and is shocked at what Phoebe has written: “Schedule Meeting: 867-5309.” A look of shock, then anger flashes over his face, and NATE pushes through the mob to enter his classroom.

In class, most of the students lie lazily at their desks. Only a few are attentive. For once, NATE is one of them. HE throws a note towards PHOEBE when the teacher, MR. MCFIELDS, is not watching. PHOEBE glances at the note and raises her hand.)

PHOEBE: Mr. McFields, may I use the water fountain?

MCFIELDS: All right, Phoebe. Make it quick!

(As soon as she leaves, NATE begins to twitch. HE gets jittery, bouncing on his seat before he raises his hand.)

NATE: Mr. McFields?

MCFIELDS: Yes, Nate?

NATE: Can I use the bathroom? Like, now?

(Silence.)

NATE: Please?

MCFIELDS: Fine, all right, just get out of here.

(NATE exits the room, shoves the passing CHARLIE, and bursts towards PHOEBE.)

NATE: I know your secret.

PHOEBE: Wait, what?

NATE: I should have realized it before! You’re always calling me Nathaniel!

PHOEBE: I have no idea what you’re talking about!

NATE: Oh, yeah? You dropped this. (Holds up slip.)

PHOEBE: (Shocked.) Give me that!

NATE: Wait until everyone knows. You tried to keep it secret!

PHOEBE: Stop!

NATE: I’m going to tell everyone that you’re the Ethicist!

PHOEBE: (Stopping.) Wait, what?

NATE: That’s right! You insulted me, called me a liar, mocked me, and you couldn’t even say it to me face-to-face. No, you needed a representative!

PHOEBE: You don’t understand!

NATE: Oh, I understand! You couldn’t help it, could you? “You sound like you’re breathing heavily. Are you all right, Nathaniel?” Just wait. I’ll-

(Just then, NATE’S phone rings. HE slowly pulls it from his pocket and reads the message.)

NATE: You should just feel lucky that I’m not telling.

(NATE throws the slip to the floor, steaming. PHOEBE is left in the dust, entirely baffled. As NATE departs, he reads the message once more: “Don’t take your energy out on Phoebe. You need to focus on your own problems. –The Ethicist.”

CUT to CASSIDY as the tone sounds. SHE passes the advertisement and stops. SHE dials as the mob pushes out of the building. SHE stands to the side as the students are released, waiting for the REP to answer.)

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

CASSIDY: Hi. Um, my name is Cassidy.

REP: Information won’t be necessary. To demand it is, I believe, unethical.

CASSIDY: Oh.

REP: However, if this is the method you prefer, you may speak freely.

CASSIDY: (Slowly.) No, that’s fine. I was just wondering, well… If you do something wrong, but you do it because you have no choice, is that thing ethical?

REP: I do not wish to be contradictory, but I do need more information to answer your question. What are the specifics?

(A FLASHBACK begins. CASSIDY remembers the details of her first scene, including a few left unknown before: TROUBLEMAKER sits. LUCILLE calls CASSIDY over. TROUBLEMAKER seems to cheat. As LUCILLE glares in his direction, CASSIDY leans over to examine her paper, but snaps back immediately. LUCILLE pays TROUBLEMAKER. CUT back to CASSIDY.)

CASSIDY: (Nervous.) Say that you studied as hard as you could on a test, but you still couldn’t figure out the information. Would cheating be ethical?

REP: Never.

CASSIDY: Never?

REP: Absolutely never. To cheat is to create a façade. To cheat is to disregard the rules. To cheat is to be a criminal.

CASSIDY: Ugh! That’s just what Lucille would say!

REP: Lucille would be correct.

CASSIDY: But I try! I try!

REP: That’s no reason to cheat. I don’t mean to be blunt, but did you call because you sought advice, or comfort?

CASSIDY: (Near tears.) Why do you have to put your two cents into this?

REP: Because you called.

(CASSIDY hangs up. CUT to RICHARD’S house. RICHARD lies upon his bed casually, chatting.)

RICHARD: Nobody will talk to me! So I just drift along, unnoticed, ignored. Dr. Wilson says that if people talked to me, they would notice! She said that if I had conversations with people, I would be one of the most popular students in the school! Why do I just drift?

REP: I don’t know. You seem quite a character to me.

RICHARD: Thanks. I just don’t know, you know? If I go up to talk to just one person… Teachers don’t even bother asking me questions anymore. When they do, I’m either silent or I mumble out everything I say! Why? Why? Why do I do it?

REP: It’s strange, isn’t it? You feel extremely comfortable talking to a complete stranger who now knows of your personal life, but you can’t talk to your classmates.

RICHARD: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I feel like you understand me. You listen to me vent.

REP: Yes, I do. But now, I would like you to listen to me. If you were in a room with hundreds of other people your age, who would you talk to?

RICHARD: Nobody. I’m an introvert.

REP: No, no! You’re letting your diagnosis get in the way of things. This is a group of complete strangers, like me. A group that doesn’t know you or each other, a group that expects nothing of you. You see, you are, like many, driven by expectation. I have many other clients who are as well. Pretend as if there is no expectation. Who would you talk to?

RICHARD: I don’t know. Whoever seemed the most fun to hang out with, I guess.

REP: Would you choose a kid who doesn’t make eye contact with you, or a kid who bounces off the walls and declares he wants to be your friend?

RICHARD: The second one! I’d definitely pick the one who wants me as a friend.

REP: Can you blame your classmates for choosing the same?

RICHARD: Why would I blame them?

REP: Because they chose the second student in kindergarten, and you were the first.

(BEAT.)

REP: I don’t want you to think about what they should have done. I want you to know what you are going to do. Think on that. When you have gotten over my insult and are ready to speak to me again, just call me back. I’m free at any time.

(The REP hangs up. RICHARD sits in silence.

CUT to the PRINCIPAL, dialing the number.)

PRINCIPAL: Ring ring.

(The REPRESENTATIVE picks up.)

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

PRINCIPAL: Hello, Representative to the Ethicist. As you made clear, I am permitted to express my concerns with you, am I not?

REP: You are.

PRINCIPAL: Well, I have a concern, which I would like to share. You see, your services have never been accounted for in our school district. I believe that the school board is busy enough already, so I do not wish to ask for edits to the handbook.

REP: Naturally. After the incident in your office when you first became aware of my existence, the school board is most likely quite baffled by you, anyway!

PRINCIPAL: How did you-

REP: Don’t be alarmed. I would never use information against you. Everyone makes mistakes, after all. To blackmail them with inevitability is, in my opinion, unethical.

PRINCIPAL: Well, I suppose I’m glad to hear it. As I was saying: Your system, according to the handbook, is a club. I must regretfully inform you that there is no way around this barrier: I’ve checked myself, although you may if you wish to. Clubs, by definition, must have an adult supervisor in order to operate. At this point, you have an option: Choose whichever teacher or staff member you wish to watch over the advice you give, or shut the club down.

REP: I must interject here. Despite the fairness of your ruling, this choice, regardless of which path is taken, is detrimental to the greater good. If the Ethicist’s services are shut down, clients will wind up depressed, with nobody to guide them. The same result will occur with a supervisor. Please remember that my client body is composed of those who become nervous going to a friend, family member, teacher, or counselor with their problems. If my method is hindered with supervisors, the Ethicist’s clients will lose the sense of security they feel at this time. After all, my final promise is “anonymity ensured”. I hope you’ll make an exception in our case; to do otherwise would not be ethical.

(The REP hangs up. The PRINCIPAL starts to dial, but stops, foiled.)

(OPEN on CASSIDY, walking home. Her phone sounds. SHE checks it and discovers 8 missed voicemails, all from “The_Ethicist.” She chooses to ignore it and continues. As she walks, the REP speaks in VOICEOVER.)

REP: You see, you are, like many, driven by expectation. I have many other clients who are as well.

(CASSIDY walks through the front door of her home.)

CASSIDY: Mom! Dad! I’m home!

(CASSIDY’S PARENTS enter.)

CASSIDY’S MOTHER: Good to see you, dear. (Hugs CASSIDY.)

CASSIDY’S FATHER: How was school? (Hugs CASSIDY as well.)

CASSIDY: Good.

CASSIDY’S FATHER: And…

CASSIDY’S MOTHER: …How did you do on the test?

(CASSIDY looks gloomily down. Her PARENTS’ expressions fall, until SHE smiles with a laugh on her face, pulling her test from her book bag.)

CASSIDY: 3.8!

CASSIDY’S FATHER: Good job, Cassie!

CASSIDY’S MOTHER: We’re so proud of you!

(They hug happily. But as soon as CASSIDY’S PARENTS can’t see, CASSIDY smile weakens.

CUT to CHARLIE, arriving at his home. As soon as he opens the door, a rush of joyous energy greets him. HE walks inside, where his three older siblings, JEFF, CLARA, and BLAZE, shout and laugh. CHARLIE walks closer to listen.)

JEFF: The young’un is here!

CHARLIE: Hi.

JEFF: As I was saying, evidence proves that your theatrical ability is quite low-

CLARA: Now listen here, Jeff-

JEFF: Clara-

CLARA: Jeff-

JEFF: -Is quite low, so you must read up in order to-

CLARA: I have connections!

JEFF: Connections.

BLAZE: Connections?

CLARA: With the studio. Besides, I’ll join a black box theater if all else fails!

BLAZE: You’ll make it.

JEFF: No! Remember her third grade performance?

BLAZE: I remember your third grade performance.

CLARA: Burn!

JEFF: That’s a moot point.

BLAZE: Really?

JEFF: If it isn’t, I’m sure yours isn’t either! Let’s talk about you, Blaze.

BLAZE: No, I have homework.

CLARA: You aren’t backing out yet, big bro.

BLAZE: Come on, guys…

(CHARLIE exits silently, the youngest of his family by far.

CUT to NATE on the bus, sitting alone. The bus stops, and HE exits. Entering his house with a key in his binder, he opens the door to a silent house. He does not call out names, for it is regular for him to walk in on an empty house. Each noise he makes is magnified. After the ruckus of CHARLIE’S home, NATE’S seems abandoned. HE sighs and walks up to his room.

CUT to the PRINCIPAL, dialing with madness. The phone rings.)

PRINCIPAL: Come on, come on.

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the-

PRINCIPAL: All right, enough with the small talk. I have a concern. You could even call it a complaint, if you didn’t mind sounding quite extreme. Listen up!

REP: I am all ears.

PRINCIPAL: I decided that out of the goodness of my heart, I would allow you to continue services without a supervisor. However, as the only way the Ethicist may continue to provide is under the title of a club, I ask for at least 10 student members to arrive at regularly scheduled meetings. To refuse any students from joining qualifies as discrimination, something we do not tolerate here.

REP: I’m afraid that this will not stand, for similar reasons as your last concern.

PRINCIPAL: Really?

REP: Indeed. You see, you believe this to be an inclusive club. Very well. I agree. And yet this could not be categorized as discrimination, for I, the Representative to the Ethicist, do not attend your school. Whether or not the Ethicist is a student or staff member is beside the point, for, as nobody is currently aware of who that person is, nobody can feel left out. Who is the Ethicist discriminating against? The entire school? Your argument is invalid. Any questions so far?

PRINCIPAL: Well, I’ll have to go over what you said in my mind, but, um, continue.

REP: Very well. It does not truly matter if the discrimination is present or not: Either way, numerous students joining an Ethicist Club would be very problematic, indeed. You see, there are, despite your best work, students out there who would gladly spill embarrassing information of others to lift themselves higher on the social ladder. With this type of activity, gossip is the enemy. The Ethicist and I have both sworn to secrecy, but will they? Can their word be trusted? You, I interpret, are concerned about the security of your students, but your method for improving their chances has the opposite effect. I am sorry to be so blunt, for I wish to be as polite as possible when discussing matters like these. But my clients often need me, and I am afraid that they might call and receive no answer. If there are any further concerns you wish to share, well, by now you’ve probably memorized my number. If you notice any problems with my clients, please let me know. Thank you.

(The REP hangs up. The PRINCIPAL sits, trembling with fury.)

(OPEN on VERONICA, ALEXIA, and PHOEBE walking down the hall before school begins.)

VERONICA: …So I told him, “Who are you?”

ALEXIA: And what did he say?

VERONICA: (Overjoyed.) Nothing! He just sort of slumped over and walked away!

ALEXIA: That’s hilarious!

(BEAT as VERONICA and ALEXIA wait for PHOEBE to comment.)

PHOEBE: Yeah… You showed him, Veronica.

VERONICA: I know, right?

ALEXIA: Okay, so: Lucille.

VERONICA: Ha! Terrible! And Cassidy!

ALEXIA: The look on her face! She probably still thinks it’s a compliment!

VERONICA: They’re so fun to mess with, right, Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Sorry I haven’t been myself today, girls. Mr. McFields says I have to retake.

VERONICA: Oh, what a nightmare.

ALEXIA: I pity you.

PHOEBE: Bye.

ALEXIA: Good luck!

VERONICA: Don’t fail!

(ALEXIA and VERONICA laugh as PHOEBE turns down the other hall. As soon as they are out of sight, PHOEBE turns and runs back the way she came. SHE stops, facing the Ethicist’s sign.

CUT to the offices. CASSIDY bursts in and heads for the VICE.)

CASSIDY: I need to talk to the principal.

VICE: I’m sorry. You have to schedule a meeting. When would you like to-

CASSIDY: Please? It’s a big problem.

VICE: Is it an urgent problem? Like a B-U-Double-L-Y problem?

CASSIDY: Worse. Sort of. It has to do with, um, this person called The Ethicist.

VICE: (Gasps.) Right away, ma’am.

(CASSIDY is confused, but pleased. SHE is let into the PRINCIPAL’S office.)

CASSIDY: Um, hi.

PRINCIPAL: Hello, Cassidy.

CASSIDY: Hi. Um, you might know of this person called The Ethicist-

PRINCIPAL: I know all about the Ethicist.

CASSIDY: Um, okay. Maybe I should-

PRINCIPAL: No, no. Tell me. Nothing leaves this room. It’s all a big mess anyway.

CASSIDY: Well, all right. I went to this ethicist because I was having problems with schoolwork, right? Please don’t ask for details. So I go, but this representative guy starts talking-

PRINCIPAL: He’s the worst, isn’t he?

CASSIDY: Yes, in fact. So this guy starts telling me about how unethical I am, and I can’t get a word in edgewise! He’s arguing with me instead of advising me!

PRINCIPAL: I know just how you feel.

CASSIDY: You do?

PRINCIPAL: I didn’t ask for details. Don’t ask me.

CASSIDY: Okay. So, I hang up because I’m upset, and I think it’s the end of it. But he keeps calling back. I got 8 voicemails yesterday, and he won’t stop.

PRINCIPAL: He’s stalking you?

CASSIDY: Well, no, not really-

PRINCIPAL: Yes, he is! I have had it! He won’t get away with this, little girl.

CASSIDY: Well, actually, I was just wondering if you could block the number or something.

PRINCIPAL: He’s gone too far. He’s going down. Please leave now, little girl.

CASSIDY: My name is-

PRINCIPAL: Dismissed!

VICE: (Entering.) Right this way, Cassidy. (Exits with CASSIDY.)

(The PRINCIPAL dials, a look of fury etched upon her face.)

REP: Greeti-

PRINCIPAL: It’s over, kid!

REP: I thought this could be resolved with dignity.

PRINCIPAL: Oh, no. I just had a little girl come in here saying that you send her voicemails when she doesn’t even call you!

(The PRINCIPAL regains control of herself.)

PRINCIPAL: You clearly stated when we last spoke that if I noticed any problems with your clients, I should inform you. So I have. Do you have any clever comebacks?

(Silence.)

REP: I was afraid this was going to happen.

PRINCIPAL: And?

REP: I have a clever comeback, but you don’t want to hear it.

PRINCIPAL: What?

REP: Technically speaking, to leave her alone when she hung up would be unethical. The very first promise I give to my clients is “problems solved.” By calling me first, Cassidy had held me to my pledge. To back down is to break a promise, and although the alternative seems much better, I have chosen the path with resistance. I have chosen the path to what I know will mean a happy ending for Cassidy.

I can’t tell you what my methods are, and I can’t explain Cassidy’s problem, for anonymity is ensured. But I can tell you that Cassidy’s problem is not what she thinks it is, but that I have a plan to help her discover it on her own. You see, my ultimate goal is not to figure things out for people, but to give them the strength to speak up on their own. That’s why my first promise is so vague: “Problems solved” implies that I will solve the problems, but this is not truly my intent.

At this point, I wish I could tell you more, but I am sworn to an oath. Please don’t place your anger upon me or anyone, for this dilemma is a result of circumstance. I am afraid that I will have to continue calling Cassidy. If she blocks the number, there is nothing I can do, but I must continue work if she does not. I understand that my choice is not ethical. The one point that tips the balance for me is that, due to my methods, to cease my job midway would have disastrous effects. I don’t want my help to backfire. This keeps me going.

You have no reason to trust me. You would take quite a large risk to do so. But I trust me, and if you knew of what is to come, you would, no doubt, be impressed. It is illogical, unethical, of you to do this, but I beg of you to trust. You will be glad you did.

(LONG BEAT.)

PRINCIPAL: That was the worst comeback I’ve heard in my entire life.

(LONG BEAT.)

PRINCIPAL: There’s nothing I can do to stop you, is there?

REP: Nothing.

(LONG BEAT.)

PRINCIPAL: Fine.

(The PRINCIPAL hangs up and slumps over her desk, defeated.

CUT. The tone sounds, and students file out. Most everyone walks among a group, except for NATE, RICHARD, and PHOEBE. CUT to NATE’S room. NATE and the REP talk.)

NATE: The more I think about it, the more I realize… I don’t fit in. Am I the only one?

REP: I don’t think so.

NATE: But, if other people don’t fit in, they’re a lot better at hiding it.

REP: You hide it quite well. The lazy student image is a very simple one.

NATE: Phoebe certainly believes it. She hates me. Ugh! In her mind, she’s above it all.

REP: You never can tell.

NATE: No, she isn’t faking it. If she wanted to hide who she was, why would she choose the most popular group in school?

REP: Perhaps because it is the least suspicious place to go.

NATE: No way!

REP: Or perhaps they chose her.

NATE: Huh.

REP: Perhaps they saw her, hopeless, drifting. Perhaps they took her in to change her. To revise her.

NATE: That makes sense.

REP: You would know, wouldn’t you? It is your story, after all.

NATE: What do you mean?

REP: You know just what I mean. Poor, drifting, misunderstood Nathaniel…

NATE: No.

REP: I can see it, Nate…

NATE: No…

REP: Too independent… Too alone…

NATE: Independence is good.

REP: Convincing himself that he doesn’t need friends…

NATE: I am fine without-

REP: Desperate…

NATE: No-

REP: Not smart enough, not strong enough…

NATE: Stop it.

REP: Not funny enough, not unique enough…

NATE: Stop it now!

REP: Only one group would take him in…

NATE: I’m not listening!

REP: Yes you are. Only one group listened to his struggles…

NATE: Stop!

REP: The troublemakers, Nathaniel. They became your friends, your allies.

NATE: No…

REP: But you don’t fit in. You don’t understand them. So you pretend to…

NATE: No…

REP: Lazy, apathetic Nate.

NATE: Please…

REP: I’m here to help you, Nate. You know what they say…

NATE: (Weakly.) What?

REP: To solve a problem, you must first know you have it.

NATE: That’s your job.

REP: No, it isn’t.

(CUT to RICHARD’S house.)

RICHARD: I can’t.

REP: Just do it.

RICHARD: No way.

REP: Nobody expects anything from you. If you speak at all, you’re exceeding expectations.

RICHARD: Not some random person!

REP: I’m a random person.

RICHARD: No, but… Face-to-face?

REP: Their face scares you?

RICHARD: No… Well, kind of.

REP: Here. I’ll be your worst-case scenario. Talk.

RICHARD: Hi, my name is Richard.

REP: You’re stupid.

RICHARD: Well, that isn’t very nice.

REP: Does the worst-case scenario offend you?

RICHARD: No.

REP: Then you have nothing to worry about.

RICHARD: How do you simplify these things? Why do you help me?

(SILENCE. LONG BEAT.)

RICHARD: Hello?

REP: I’m a hypocrite.

(BEAT.)

RICHARD: Say again?

REP: I’m a hypocrite. There. I said it twice.

RICHARD: Don’t criticize yourself!

REP: Do you know why I’m rough on you? You and my other clients?

RICHARD: Why?

REP: You all remind me of me. You can’t solve your own problems. Neither can I. I say to you what I’d like to say to me. Step up! Don’t confine yourself! Don’t be ridiculous! That’s why my anonymity is ensured along with yours. If you knew who I was, you’d never listen. I think that if I can’t help myself, I should at least keep others away from my pitfalls. You know?

RICHARD: I know.

REP: The first kid you see tomorrow morning: Walk up. Introduce yourself.

(RICHARD laughs.)

REP: What’s so funny?

RICHARD: That’s exactly what Dr. Wilson said, but I didn’t listen to her. Why?

REP: She can’t give you what you most desperately need. I can.

RICHARD: What’s that?

REP: Contempt.

(CUT to PHOEBE, calling for her first time.)

PHOEBE: Hello. Is this the Ethicist?

REP: This is the Representative to the Ethicist. I suspected you might call, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: You know me?

REP: Well, you are the top of the top. However, I suspect you don’t feel that way. Get it off your chest.

PHOEBE: Well, um, I’ve had two friends – Um, Veronica and Alexia – for a long time, but I don’t know if I like them so much.

REP: Go on.

PHOEBE: They’ve always teased everyone, including each other, and me, and it was never a big deal. But now I feel like they shouldn’t. But they’re my friends. Do you think it’s ethical to tell your friends to stop joking around and having fun?

REP: It would be ethical. However, this is a moot point, for they are not your friends.

PHOEBE: What do you mean? We’ve been best friends since elementary school!

REP: Middle school, I have come to believe, is quite different. The social ranks are in a pyramid. You are the second-to-top layer, alongside Alexis. Veronica stands at the very top. It’s natural that they try to hold those directly below them down, such as, say, Lucille and Cassidy. However, you’ve felt so out of sorts by their bullying-

PHOEBE: Bullying?

REP: Yes, bullying. You’ve felt so out of sorts that you’re slipping. Alexia agrees with everything Veronica says, does she not?

PHOEBE: Yes, but-

REP: They’re bloodthirsty. Alexia wants the top. This is the way they get into power.

(PHOEBE is stunned.)

REP: If you don’t believe me, look for yourself. See how nice they are.

PHOEBE: Okay.

(PHOEBE hangs up.)

REP: (To himself.) They’re almost ready.

(OPEN on RICHARD, reluctantly entering the school. CUT to PHOEBE, slowly walking towards VERONICA and ALEXIA’S table. CUT to NATE, just as nervous, nearing the door of TEACHER #2. CUT to CASSIDY, most anxious of all, going to speak to LUCILLE. CUT back to RICHARD. HE notes the swarm of students, but one appears out of their midst to drink at the water fountain: BILL. RICHARD nears.)

RICHARD: Hi. My name is Richard. What’s yours?

(CUT to PHOEBE, sitting at the table, sadly listening to ALEXIA and VERONICA chat.)

VERONICA: Okay: Who is the weirdest student here?

ALEXIA: Hmmm… Richard!

VERONICA: Nah, we don’t know a thing about him.

ALEXIA: Isn’t that weird?

VERONICA: Not weird enough. I’m thinking… Lucille?

ALEXIA: No, no. They have to be weird! Lucille’s just a goody-goody.

VERONICA: Define “weird.”

(CUT to NATE, opening the door.)

NATE: Hi. Is now a good time?

(CUT to CASSIDY, teary, grabbing LUCILLE’S shoulder.)

CASSIDY: We need to talk.

(CUT to PHOEBE.)

ALEXIA: I don’t know about Bill. He’s just… Bill.

VERONICA: I know the problem. Everyone in this school is odd!

ALEXIA: What do you think, Phoebe?

(BEAT.)

PHOEBE: I think I’ll be going now.

(CUT to NATE and TEACHER #2 talking.)

TEACHER #2: You’ve had some pretty bad summative results. Even if you aced everything from here until the end of the year, you couldn’t get higher than a C-.

NATE: I’ll take what I can get. Are there any retakes?

(CUT to CASSIDY and LUCILLE.)

LUCILLE: You did what? What!

CASSIDY: I had to tell you.

LUCILLE: No. No! Tell me you’re joking!

(CUT to NATE and TEACHER #2.)

TEACHER #2: Every teacher does extra-credit assignments!

NATE: Really?

TEACHER #2: Yes! It can send you up a letter. I say you should go for it!

NATE: Great! Thanks!

TEACHER #2: I’ll see you in class.

(CUT to CASSIDY and LUCILLE.)

CASSIDY: Please-

LUCILLE: No! Cassidy! Just go! Leave!

(LUCILLE runs off. CASSIDY stands alone, filled with grief.

CUT to CASSIDY’S home. CASSIDY trembles as she dials the seven numbers that will take her to the ethicist.)

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

CASSIDY: It’s Cassidy.

REP: You have returned. I doubted it would be so.

CASSIDY: Please don’t yell at me. I told Lucille what I did, and she… (Choked sob.)

REP: You told Lucille! Well, then! Don’t worry about me yelling at you. You’ve probably had enough of that already. I must say, I am impressed.

CASSIDY: You are?

REP: Ah, yes. I could never have done something so bold. You really have learned yourself!

CASSIDY: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never felt worse in my life.

REP: Would the old Cassidy have told Lucille?

CASSIDY: No.

REP: Was the old Cassidy controlled by perfectionism?

CASSIDY: I guess so.

REP: Then you have grown! You have strived to make things better in your life, and went through the struggle it entailed. Only one call, and you did it! I’d venture to say you’re better at this than myself or any of my clients!

CASSIDY: Whatever. I feel lousy. Lucille won’t look at me.

REP: Did she give you more happiness or grief? Think over that. You’ll have one final lesson before I’m through. Prepare.

(The REP hangs up. CASSIDY lies down and falls asleep.

CUT to the PRINCIPAL’S desk. The PRINCIPAL is working late when she receives a call.)

PRINCIPAL: Hello?

REP: Greetings. You have reached the Ethicist. I am the Representative to the Ethicist. How may I help you?

PRINCIPAL: You can’t. You called me.

REP: Ah, yes. I’ve gotten quite used to saying that. Is now a good time?

PRINCIPAL: (Yawning.) As good as any.

REP: Perfect. I would like to assemble an Ethicist Club meeting in the library, tomorrow from 3:00-5:00. We will require 5 keys and the intercom password, and must operate without supervision. After tomorrow, the poster will go down, the serving of my clients will cease, and you will never hear from me again. Do you find these terms satisfactory?

PRINCIPAL: I trust anonymity is ensured?

REP: The school board will never know.

PRINCIPAL: Fine. Have your fun. I’ll leave the keys under the recycling bin.

REP: Many thanks.

(The PRINCIPAL hangs up. BEAT.)

PRINCIPAL: I wish I had that kind of spunk.

(OPEN on the hall outside the library. As bunches move back and forth, NATE, PHOEBE, CASSIDY, and RICHARD enter the room. CUT to the REPRESENTATIVE TO THE ETHICIST, entering the school once more in his unmistakable hat. HE strides distinguishably to the bottom floor and, setting down his briefcase, retrieves the advertisement. CUT to ALL 4 of the clients. THEY pretend to be searching for a book, not daring to glance at each other. CUT back to the REP, walking to the upper floor, pulling a key from his pocket. HE shuts and locks the door, then turns towards the stairs. By now, the students have all left the building. The REP enters the school, tips his hat towards a passing VICE, and types in the intercom code. HE speaks, and ALL 4 CLIENTS hear him.)

REP: Please set your books down.

(The FOUR, confused, do so, continuing to follow the REP’S commands.)

REP: Please sit around the center table. Don’t try to leave; the door is locked.

(It is done.)

REP: Now greet my other clients.

(LONG BEAT.)

NATE: I thought anonymity was ensured.

REP: I apologize. I meant to clarify. I promise to keep you unknown from those who would gossip. However, I highly doubt that any of you would do so to each other. After all, you have just as many secrets.

NATE: Wait, how did you hear me just now?

REP: May I keep an element of mystery to this?

(BEAT.)

REP: Now, I would like you all to very briefly speak about yourselves, one by one. Let’s start with Richard. He seems up for the task.

RICHARD: I was shy. I was introverted. I still am. Counselors couldn’t help. Family wouldn’t help. I had nowhere else to turn. But here I am! This has really worked out for me. I was talking to this kid Bill, and things were great! Thank you, Ethicist!

NATE: What is this, some kind of group therapy?

REP: You could call it that, but it does not work cleanly into one definition. You see, although your stories are different, your problems are the same: None of you fit in.

(BEAT.)

REP: Are we finished? Good. Richard, you can find a library key in the knight’s armor. Unlock the door, exit, and relock it from the outside. As for the rest of you: Nobody may steal Richard’s key or try to escape. I placed a listening device in this room: You don’t want to know what else there is. Do this my way, and you won’t have to find out. I would like Phoebe to speak next.

PHOEBE: Well, okay. My so-called friends were rude to, um, Cassidy and Lucille. I got sick of them, but I thought I was the problem. I go to this Ethicist, and he says that they don’t like me. I was never really one of them. Maybe none of them are. But I kept trying to make them like me. I thought that I couldn’t have any problems. Kids think I’m the luckiest kid in the school. Anyway, I’m here, so I guess they were wrong.

CASSIDY: Phoebe, well, I – ummm…

NATE: You went to the Ethicist!

CASSIDY: What he said.

PHOEBE: Veronica and Alexia made fun of it, but I wanted advice from someone who wouldn’t judge me.

CASSIDY: You certainly went to the wrong place!

(CASSIDY and PHOEBE laugh.)

REP: Ah, yes, deprecating jokes. How entertaining. Phoebe, you may leave. Your key is on page 1,223 of the dictionary. Two more… What say you, Cassidy?

CASSIDY: Well, I came to you asking if it was okay to… cheat on a test, and-

NATE: You cheated on a test?

CASSIDY: Yes, in fact, I did. Several tests, actually. Anyway, I also realized that I didn’t fit, although it took a lot of time.

REP: Yes. You were one of my more stubborn clients.

CASSIDY: Anyway, I always idolized my friends. Now that- Well, actually, my turning point was just now. If Phoebe had a big problem, then I’m not ashamed!

REP: Very well.

CASSIDY: Can I go now?

REP: Yes. In fact, I believe someone is waiting for you. Your key is under the door of Lab 3.

CASSIDY: Well… Okay.

(BEAT.)

CASSIDY: Is there any way that I can thank the Ethicist? Like, the real one?

REP: No, there is not. You may go.

(BEAT. CASSIDY exits, leaves with PHOEBE.)

REP: One more. Nate, tell me. How do I know that you have given up the troublemaking act?

NATE: How about: After seeing Richard, Cassidy, and Phoebe all here, and noting that their problems were just as rough as mine, I now realize that I am not alone. And I, knowing that I am not the only one with a difficult life out there, can stop acting nonchalant and be who I truly am.

REP: Nice try.

NATE: Fine. How about… I know that you don’t have bodyguards or traps in the school library, there’s a walkie-talkie below this desk, my key is on the windowsill, and I haven’t once tried to leave.

(BEAT.)

REP: Clever, Nathaniel. You may go.

NATE: Will do. (Stops.) Could you let the Ethicist know that I hated this?

(BEAT.)

REP: Telling lies is not ethical. Goodbye, Nathaniel.

(NATE leaves. HE slowly walks down the hallway and out the door.

CUT back to the library. It is empty and silent. Then, a clicking is heard. The REPRESENTATIVE enters with briefcase. He places both walkie-talkies inside, then walks out, locking the door behind him. He calls out.)

REP: All right, Ethicist! They’re gone!

(From the shadows emerges The Ethicist, walking seriously and steadily. It is CHARLIE.)

ETHICIST (CHARLIE): It is done.

REP: I have to admit, I never believed you could pull it off, you little mastermind.

ETHICIST: Thank you for all you have done. You certainly deserve the profits.

REP: No, no. Keep the money. I don’t want it. It wouldn’t be right.

ETHICIST: Really?

REP: Earning money off of a principal’s fear of unemployment? That wouldn’t be ethical!

ETHICIST: Well! You’ve undergone quite a development!

REP: Your clients can now tell right from wrong. But now, so can I. Thank you.

ETHICIST: It’s good to know that I can help others, at least.

REP: I thought it went without saying! You helped yourself, too.

ETHICIST: How?

REP: It’s only understandable that you grew up soft-spoken, considering your siblings. But now, you are the most loud-mouthed, contempt-filled person I know!

(The REPRESENTATIVE lifts his briefcase and starts to leave.)

REP: That was a compliment. Enjoy a job well done, Charlie.

(The door closes. CHARLIE stands, contemplative. He stands a little taller. He walks towards the opposite exit, fading into the darkness of the hall.

Silence.)