Believe It or Not
“You just don’t understand.” I’ve never heard a phrase more in my life. Those three words strike into my soul, insulting me beyond belief. My confident, charismatic demeanor has people convinced that I haven’t been through much. I trick them into believing I’ve never been hurt, let down, or disappointed; but hasn’t everybody? Haven’t we all been led on? Lied to? Deceived? Convinced of something that wasn’t there? They’re all convinced that the flock of people craving my attention has blinded me to the daily struggle of the average depressed high school student. They’ve convinced themselves that nobody would ever hurt me, I’m invincible, I wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be broken. But I do understand…I’ve been through it. I finally found her, and she broke me. Left me like raggedy clothes hanging out to dry on a still day. No explanation, no excuse just poof, gone. She left and didn’t look back, I understand. They think because my parents are married I don’t understand what it’s like to have a house instead of a home, to not have anyone to lean on. What they don’t know is in my seventeen short years, my dad has been with me for six of them. The other eleven he’s been gone, wiring money back to help my mom but never there for emotional support. He would call every other day and ask about school but as the years went on the phone calls stopped, the visits became less frequent, the money stopped coming. They think I don’t know what it’s like to feel abandoned and to be forced to be strong on your own. He won’t be here for my graduation, I understand. They all think because I live in a nice house my parents are well off. They think because I have a car to drive I don’t go without anything. They think it’s okay to tell me I have everything. I haven’t eaten in two days. My mom can’t afford groceries. She was recently laid off and is still stuck paying the same bills she was barely managing when she was making four times the money. They think we don’t struggle, but we’re barely making it, I understand. They think I don’t know what it’s like to not be accepted. I was bullied from 2nd to 9th grade, constantly harassed every day for no reason. The words “Koi the boy” rang through my head while I tried to go to sleep. I had to wake up every day and go to a school that didn’t want me. I was alone in the world, I understand. Moving to a new state every two years since birth has taught me a lot. Don’t get close to people, because you’ll end up leaving anyway. I’ve gone through so much in my life, heard so many stories, read so many tear soaked diary entries. I understand what it’s like to be sad. I understand how it feels to be there but not be there at the same time. I understand.