Congratulations! Not only have you made it through the terrors of the elementary school playground, but you also managed to survive the hazards of being “lockered” or “booked” in junior high school. This is no small accomplishment yet, it pales in comparison to the obstacle that stands before you: high school. Filled with mean teachers, crotchety old hall monitors, and administrators whose life goal is to harass as many teenagers as possible, high school has proven to be the final test of fortitude which separates the winners in life from the weenies. A weenie is a student who absolutely fails in every possible capacity in high school and continues to fail for the rest of his miserable life. Needless to say, you do not want to be a weenie. One of the many reasons that incoming freshman feel so much anxiety over entering high school is that the road to becoming a weenie is a short one and it has no way back. Once a student becomes a weenie, he will always be a weenie. As an incoming freshman you are now faced with the most important decision of your entire life: will you be a weenie or a winner? Luckily for you, I’ve made it through and I can happily say that I am winning high school; furthermore, I am willing to pass on the secret of my success to you.
Despite popular belief, the trick to warding off weenie-ness is not found in buckets of anti-zit facial cream. In reality, the difference between being a winner and a weenie lies with what niche you choose for yourself when starting high school. Although parents, teachers, and other “trusted” adults constantly remind you that “there-are-no-cliques-and-you-can-be-whoever-you-want-to-be-because-that’s-ok,” it is important to remember that they are lying. That refrain is a phrase better left on Hallmark cards and kept out of young teenager minds, due to the fact that it allows them to fall into an unfortunate degree of false security and ultimately leads to a life of misery. It’s like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny all over again! The truth is that there are cliques and, yes, some are better than others; by choosing the right one a life of happiness is guaranteed but the wrong one means certain doom. So which is the right one? Luckily there are several “right” choices, the first of which is the Gangsta. The Gangsta can usually be found loitering in front of the cafeteria during passing periods and most of his classes. Furthermore, the Gangsta is generous enough to display at least eight inches of boxers between his incredibly baggy shirt and his shockingly saggy jean shorts—which he wears as pants. This is an act of pride as it allows him to show off the impressive collection of skid marks on his underwear, a feature that is admired by everyone. Note: under no circumstances are “tighty-whities” acceptable to display, and doing so completely defines a student as not-a-Gangsta. In addition, the Gangsta is usually sporting a Snapback of his favorite basketball team, despite school rules which state that hats are prohibited. This is okay because the Gangsta is generally respected by everyone due to his “I don’t give an F—” attitude. Since the Gangsta spends so much time in the halls, he doesn’t attend class very often and never does his homework; therefore, his weighted GPA usually sits comfortably somewhere between one and two. While this may seem discouraging at first, it is important to remember that ultimately the Gangsta is a winner. After leaving high school the Gangsta will enjoy a career in which he is exposed to countless types of people on a daily basis and is able to provide these people with top-notch services that they truly cannot get anywhere else. Such a career provides the Gangsta with incomparable degrees of happiness and self-satisfaction, as he happily takes orders of Large Fries in the McDonald’s drive-through for the rest of his blissful life.
Another clique which all freshmen should strive to be a part of is, of course, the Jock. Being a Jock means being a part of a highly exclusive group of students who rule, like royalty, over everybody else. The best way to become a Jock is to join the football team. Being a Jock on the football team will quickly transform a freshman from a puny weakling to a monstrosity of muscle who can no longer touch his own shoulders due to his bulging biceps. This drastic change will allow the Jock to quickly attain a girlfriend. Since she is his most important status symbol, the Jock’s girlfriend should be able to perfectly fill out a pair of yoga pants, or else his reputation will suffer. That means she needs to rock the yoga’s better than Kim Kardashian; therefore, to aid with this, the Jock should offer to dip into his parents’ bank accounts to provide her with the surgical procedure to give her the “Dang! Dat @$$” look. In the event that she refuses this very generous and reasonable offer, then the only solution is to publicly dump her in the middle of the cafeteria and upgrade to a better model because the old one is obviously worthless and doesn’t matter. As football players, Jocks wear their respective jerseys along with their spotless Jordan High-Tops around the school like crowns, and this wardrobe affords them special privileges. For example, like the Gangsta, the Jock never has to do his homework. While his grades suffer and his GPA plummets, this doesn’t matter because he will definitely have a career in professional sports and, if not, he can always just be a PE teacher. The Jocks are winners and as a result their lives from the moment they enter high school are pretty awesome.
While there are several “correct” paths for high school, one which must be avoided at all costs is that of the Geek. Once a student is labeled as a Geek, they are essentially given a life sentence in solitary confinement and a death sentence for their social life and future happiness. The Geek is the student who always does the optional reading from the book because he has no friends to hang out with anyways. Teachers, like everyone else, actually hate the Geek because he is so much of a Know-It-All. The constant stream of knowledge which spews out of his mouth gives him the characteristic of “anti-swag” meaning he actually drains the swag of those around him. Therefore, AP classes are jam-packed only with miserable teachers and Geeks because the other students are too afraid to get close to the Geeks due to their “black-hole-like” nature. Upon leaving high school the Geek will attend a top tier college and most likely become a doctor or lawyer. These careers are filled with tears as the Geek will lie in bed every night wondering why he is still alone—well it’s because he was a Geek. In addition, during high school the Geek will most likely be a member of some weird club like Scholastic Bowl. Although it is technically an IHSA competition, Scholastic Bowl is unanimously viewed as the support group of Geeks. In this club, the Geeks wear black dress shirts with “Scholastic Bowl” stylishly embroidered into the breast pocket like a giant sign that says, “Hey I’m a Geek! You should throw stuff at me, lock me in a locker, and take my lunch money because Geeks are losers!” There is truly no bigger weenie than the Geek and his life is inevitably dismal.
Although not as bad as the Geek, another weenie is the Creeper. The Creeper is the student who intentionally isolates himself from the rest of the student body. The Creeper is known to dress all in black, never speak, and stare at other people for long periods of time when they aren’t looking. Never try to become friends with the Creeper! Spending too much time in close proximity to him is an extreme hazard to a person’s health as he is prone to violence. If a student is accused of being a Creeper then simply check his iPod: if it holds horrible and terrifying screaming then he is definitely a Creeper. The only acceptable interaction with a Creeper is to relentlessly bully him until he defecates on himself, goes home crying, and switches schools. The Creeper is very strange and unlike other, normal people he enjoys this treatment. Unfortunately, if a person is a Creeper then there is no help for him, he was simply born with the weenie gene.

Alright Freshies, it’s time to start playing in the big leagues. No longer do you have to worry about getting picked last for the kickball team at recess, or being late for class because you dropped all your books down the stairs. Entering high school means you now face a decision which will doubtlessly determine your future happiness. The type of person you are in high school is so significant to your persona that it will perfectly indicate whether you will be successful and happy or sad and alone. While there are many options available to you, ultimately the choice is between being a winner and being a weenie. Luckily, now that you have these secrets for surviving high school, your choice is an obvious one.