The results of a decade-long statistical project suggest that left-handed people are more successful and live longer than right-handed people; however, the correlation does not extend to those who prefer writing with their left foot over their right.

Anywhere from 10-30% of the world’s population is left-handed, although the true number varies depending on whether you include “pseudo lefties,” people that write with their left hand but perform other activities with their right hand.  Psychologists and doctors have long suspected some correlation between hand dominance and important personal characteristics, but until recently it was a mystery which hand gave people a leg up on the competition.

“Today is a great day for not only our country, but for the world,” declared lefty Barack Obama, President of the United States and staunch leftist in a recent press release.  “These scientific facts should show voters around the world the superiority of the left over the right.  The White House has long maintained the view that the left creates a more egalitarian, optimistic, and successful society than the right ever could.”

In the spirit of international collaboration, researchers from fifteen members of the United Nations worked together to covertly observe 130,000 patients, 100,000 in the United States and 20,000 in the United Kingdom.  The lefties in the group lived an average of 0.71 years longer than righties, and these results factored in freak accidents and unnatural deaths.  A second group of psychology researchers created the “Gates Success Scale” to measure the success of each patient.  The scale used factors such as income, education, followers on social media, and O.S. preferences to rate each subject on a scale from “Hobo” to “CEO.”  Lefties ranked on average as a “Relatively Successful Office Dweller,” a couple of points ahead of the right-handed “Government Worker.”

While the study only provided a correlation to success, Professor Edward Crafton at Drake University, lead researcher in the study, reasons that there is a link between character quality as well.  “These results provide the final piece to an important puzzle.  Almost all criminal masterminds are right-handed, as are dictators such as Stalin and Mao Zedong.”  When asked about Jack the Ripper, a notorious serial killer who was left-handed, Crafton responded that “at least Jack is famous.  I mean the fact we are still talking about him now could be considered a form of success.”

These results are in line with previous research, as animal studies done by the San Diego Zoo indicated that left-pawed cats are less likely to end up in pounds and more likely to take control of their households.  Researchers proved that the southpaw felines were able to stimulate the right side of the brain, which houses the longevity cortex of most species.  This stimulation, in turn, fires neurons to the medusa section of the brain, allowing the cat to further unlock its potential.  Scientists have repeatedly stated the similarities in brain structure between cats and humans, so it is not a huge leap to suggest that these results follow for people as well.

It is not unheard of for parents to try to change the hand dominance of their children, but in the past it has usually been to switch them to the right hand.  Now, scientists say, it would be valuable for parents to make their children left-handed.  “Breaking the right arm is a great way of helping kids to become left-handed,” Albert Einstein wrote in his diary.  “The world needs more left-handed kids to solve the world’s problems.  Otherwise, our planet will eventually decay into an uninhabitable wasteland.”  Einstein later writes that “tying their right hand behind their back or chopping their right hands off altogether are also viable options.”

Celebrities have also recently come out in favor of changing the younger generation’s hand preference.  In a news conference, boxing champion Rocky Balboa was quoted as saying that “if I hadn’t been a lefty I wouldn’t have been able to come up with my nickname, the Italian Stallion.  I credit all my success to being a southpaw.”  When asked if his training methods or fighting spirit were contributing factors as well, Balboa declined to comment.  The Huffington Post also reported that Morgan Freeman credited his amazing voice and success as an actor to being left-handed.

While this study does contradict years of popular opinion, the professionals all agree that people should at least leave lefties the way they are.  “What they bring to the table,” Crafton says, “is unique.  Trying to change these gifted individuals to be like the masses of righties just doesn’t make sense.”