Okay. By definition means satisfactory in a satisfactory manner. So to be “okay” that would involve being “satisfactory”. According to certain standards, I’ll never be satisfactory. I’ll never be good enough; never be up to par; never be as good as the rest. And that’s not satisfactory.

So to answer your question, “Are you okay?” the easy thing to say would be “no.” I am alone. You make me feel so alone. So unsatisfactory. Like I am only here to fill up this seat, to write with this pencil, to hold back these tears. You tear me down and you laugh because the only thing that brings you joy is my sadness. And when you start the pain it doesn’t end.

“Are you okay?”

What do you care? Have you ever? Will you ever change? Will I ever change enough to please you? To be satisfactory to you? Will I ever be okay? How are you okay?

How can you think I hate you? You know I am in love with you. The one thing that tears me down, hurts me, ruins ever fiber of my being with its cruelty. But with that, I am okay.