You were my friend.

For 14 years.

You were my friend.

Through

Elementary,

Middle,

And high school

You were my friend.

I was there for you and

You were there for me.

Through breakups and

Those deep conversations

Through family issues and

Those damn medications

We knew

We’d always be there.

We didn’t always talk,

But when we did it was important

We didn’t know the other person’s pain

But we knew what the type of pain

We knew how much it hurt

How indescribable it was,

And

How bitter sweet it felt

To know someone understood

It was the type of pain we felt

over and over

And over again

We weren’t always helpful,

You were always the more toxic of the two

For you, I would lend an ear, a hand, a heart

For me, you lent a drink, a pipe, assault.

I didn’t ask for anything that night.

I only wanted to see my friend,

have a drink, and relax.

That’s all I wanted.

But,

You seemed to want more

You seemed to think that

It was fine

That I was too intoxicated to move

You seemed to think that

It was okay

to do what you did.

To reach under my bra,

To grab my breasts,

To move your hands further

And further down

My paralyzed half-clothed body

Until you got to my pants.

There, you carefully slid your fingers down,

Even slower than before.

And asked me in the creepiest way if,

I wanted “to have some fun”.

I didn’t.

The whole time, my mind was screaming

For you to stop

For you to realize this wasn’t okay

I wanted to fight

I wanted to run

But I was frozen

And you kept grabbing,

And kissing,

And flipping me over

Every time I tried to turn away

It took all my strength to try and move

It took all my strength to mutter

That one word…

No.

If I didn’t have the strength to say no

To that hand down my pants

If you didn’t decide to move your hands away…

You would’ve raped me.

Ever since that night,

I haven’t been the same.

I had trust issues before,

They’re even stronger now.

I can’t live that college lifestyle anymore.

I can’t relax without fear.

I can’t feel free because I still feel your weight on top of me.

I still feel trapped, struggling, and barely able to mutter that one word…

No.