Sometimes,

I like when I feel cold  in a hot room.

I like when my rib cage shows and my hip bones protrude.

I like when I stand up and my eyes go black and my ears start to ring…

I used to think it was beautiful to pass out in school or loose my hair.

That being hungry meant I was healthy

but really I was walking on an ocean of my broken bones

trying not to trip over my own vomit

and the pills I downed last night.

And sometimes,

I feel bad for relapsing.

I preach self love

but I can never get the message across in my own head.

My best friend asked me the other day,

If she were doing this

would I let her stay in pain…

So I wrote her a poem that goes like this:

If I ever let you suffer,

Do not take my words as a sign that I do not care.

If I ever let you tremble,

Remind me that you are shaking.

If I ever leave you in the cold come take my jacket.

I will not let you hurt when I thrive.

I sent it to her

and she responded:

Take my jacket.

So body forgive me for depriving you

Body forgive me for holding you hostage.

Body forgive me for making you tremble.

Body forgive me for not letting you grow.

Body forgive me for burning down your home.

Body forgive me for not listening.

Body forgive me

Body forgive me

Body please.

One day,

I want the calculator

in my head to stop,

the scale I fear to evaporate,

and the body I have abused

to forgive me.