conversation flows like champagne,
effervescent on the tongues of
doctors, lawyers, engineers, and
me.

it intoxicates me–
i am falling into a rabbit hole of
genetic discoveries,
controversial cases,
complicated bridge schematics,
and i am too deep,
and i no longer understand where i am,
who i am,
who am i?

it rings, an unanswered telephone in my brain,
the sound reverberating and
shaking the long-term memories–
all i can see is who i could be:
an architect,
a professor,
a choreographer,
an actor–

when i decide to study economics
instead of mathematics
when i begin to slip,
i pray i land in a lake–
to land in a lake,
to land in the lakes–
those surrounded by fog and lavender flowers,
thick with the scent of pine–
only these lakes might revive me
and clear my senses.
only here could i be sobered,
crafting tales in my head,
writing for days on end,
deleting the emails I might send,
as i exit the water,
still dripping.

but tonight,
i am still in wonderland
and to disillusion oneself from so many potential lifelines–
to cut every string the Fates may lay,
to sever ties to each enticing career,
it takes a strength i have not mastered–
a wisdom i have not earned.

and so, the conversation continues to flow
and i accept drink after drink,
not quite knowing how to say no.