When I was young I used to hate falling asleep

Because I feared the actions of my nightmares

I would fight to stay awake and turn every light on in my room

Pull the covers up to my chin and squeeze every stuffed animal I slept with

Hoping that would fend off the monsters behind my eyelids

But now I’m more fearful of what is keeping me awake

And it’s funny how that all changed

From finding happiness in lemonade and a simple smiley face

To losing interest in all the things I once loved so deeply

I can’t remember any good days as they have all been overcome with the darkness

The darkness of depression

It can make me cry for hours one night, to completely numb the next

I can fake nearly every emotion in the book

Never say “I’m fine” because people learned that is never true

Always use “I’m good” it is simple and will usually receive the same answer

Depression has taken away every sense of routine

Self-care only comes when the anxiety takes over, and I become manic

I sleep when depression allows it rather that is 3pm or 3 am

I scroll my phone to stop the voices in my head from going too far

I work with kids and animals because my depression has a soft spot

It allows me to feel a simple sense of joy for a portion of my day

Depression is my monster that used to hide behind my eyes

But now it has crept into my brain and it runs the rest of my days