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paper & ink
Sentence:
a line composed of words put together by an array of letters.
I've always known that a word on its own has immense power,
but even more when surrounded by accompanying words that
emphasize its meaning.
A single person holds so much power
and even more when surrounded by others who
emphasize their meaning.
My whole life,
I have never known the power I hold within myself.
I have never had those people who
emphasize my power but,
most importantly,
my meaning in life.
My fifteen years of life have been full
of instabilities and deceptions
fabricated by my parents.
I quickly came to realize
the widely normalized concept of
the "immigrant family"
is nothing more than one of the many dystopias
created by the modernized society in the United States.
Both my parents have always been physically
present in my life,
they failed to be the nurturing and welcoming parents
a young child needs in their early stages of life.
Unlike most kids my age,
I matured much faster because
I felt I had to protect my younger brothers
from the trauma our parents were
constantly
inflicting
upon us.
I suffered significantly,
always looking at
the negative in every situation,
preparing myself for the worst so I wouldn't be blindsided.
I never believed a child could possibly
despise their own life so much to the
point that they no longer wanted it...
until I was that child.
From the age of ten,
the age when I was supposed to be playing with dolls
(which I feared),
filming fake slime videos with my cousins,
or playing outside until my parents forced me back inside.
Instead,
I began to beg god.
I begged and begged him to make it all stop,
to pause my life
for even a split second
and give me a break.
At the age of ten,
I had hit my end point,
a point no human should ever have to reach,
especially not a child.
To me,
my life meant
nothing;
I had no one around me
who emphasized the meaning of my life.
At the age of ten,
I was ready to throw my life away.
I was a child,
understanding
and
grasping
concepts some adults around me couldn't even quite grasp yet;
I had no one to turn to,
no one who could help me through my silent suffering,
and so I turned to the only thing I knew.
I kept a diary, hidden away from everyone,
in which I wrote almost every day.
Writing gave me a sense of freedom I didn't have in my household;
I could express every meddling thought
or emotion that overcame me
because I had no one around to relay this information to.
Writing saved me in a sense.
Writing saved a ten-year-old little girl when her world
was
crumbling
beneath
her.
If it hadn't been for that little purple diary,
I might not be writing today.
God didn't make my world stop;
he didn't give me a break.
Instead,
he gave me
paper
and
ink.
As I've grown older,
I've come to realize that my parents' emotional absence
has driven me to aspire more for myself.
It is thanks to my parents that I found the security
I had searched for as a child in writing.
The words I wrote as a child are what became
my power.
I hold power in my words, and
they emphasize my meaning in life.
It wasn't the events I went through that shaped me into who I am.
Instead,
it was the many entries I wrote in that little purple diary
that made me the person I am today.
I took the setbacks
and used them to
empower myself
while striving further
in life.
I wrote about the world through
paper and ink,
and
I want to continue to do so.
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