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Titanic
The stars reflect upon the smooth blue
A wave runs across them, making them leap
Cast out by a ship that left harbor brand new
With golden lights dimmed for all are asleep
A guard is surrounded by fog unbreaking
Too late sees the ice rising up from the deep
Passengers wake to find the ship shaking
Into lower compartments water starts to creep
No one believed the ship could go under
They loaded the life boats with few and no hurry
But as water kept coming they started to wonder
Poor people kept below started to worry
As water came up from stairs, creeping nearer
They screamed and they cried for the guards to release them
Splashing through water as clear as a mirror
The key turned in lock so as not to condemn them
Running to lifeboats filled with children and ladies
Half loaded boats gone and many hopes followed
Many sure they shall have to travel to Hades
The lifeboats row away before the ship’s swallowed
Carpathia receives a message for assistance
But by then the ship’s turning, slowly upright
All are afraid of being wiped from existence
Even grown men are screaming and crying in fright
The ship is in half, upright, and going down
To the life giving waters which now gather their pay
Those who remained must now freeze or drown
Never to see the light of the fast approaching day
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This article has 9 comments.
your welcome!
passive tense is a sentence that features something being done to the subject: The dog was walked by Bob.
Active tense is a sentence that focuses on the subject doing an action: Bob walked his dog.
Use the passive tense when you're trying to create a victimizing tone like: The undertow ripped at Mario's ankles as he tried to swim ashore.
You wouldn't say:"Mario was slowed down by the undertow as he swam ashore" because you want to concentrate on the fact that Mario is being overwhelmed by the waves.
So like for this poem maybe fear or panic would be something that comes up a lot and you consistently use the passive tense with fear to show how much it overwhelms the passengers. Just an idea that you can play around with if you like--the poem is fine the way it is pretty much but like playing around with active/passive tense is fun. There's a lot of online websites that might explain it better but it's a huge part of writing--not sure if I explained it perfectly lol but I deff recommend you check it out just so you can be more ahead of the game and all the ppl who don't understand it.
Simon Cowell feedback--you asked for it!
Very very creative and you did seem to pour some passion into this. Most of the lines were really good and they flowed well, but some lines in the passive tense were awkward.
"With golden lights dimmed for all are asleep" is an awkward sentence. Try to say something like "The gold lights kept dim in their sleep" or something in the active tense that keeps that good flow.
Use the passive tense when you want to victimize something. You used it a lot so that you could find a word that rhymed, and you did a fantastic job with finding rhyming words. but sentence structure is just as important so see what you can do to improve that.
