Looking back,
I see your face, before it all went south.
Once saw beauty behind the mystery.
Once saw a trace of me.
With all your hidden doubts.
Insecurities danced behind that stony look.
And I wanted to meet you. So, I met you.
So similar, even our names.
The syllables even added up. Three syllables each.
Could have been seven with an “and” sign in between.
Perfect. The memory of my thoughts laying in bed.
“I can’t let this one go.”
“I can’t let her go.”
Kept you at bay.
Learned of your on-and-off thing.
I couldn’t compete. No competition.
Years on me, he had. You knew who you wanted.
So you stayed on the back of my mind.
Friends for now. Like all those other girls.
The girls that only see a friend in me.
Thought you were different.
Like you would see my troubles.
I told you my troubles.
Ones untold to anyone else.
And you listened. And I listened to yours, about him.
Thinking “I could treat you better.”
Thanks for asking me to the dance.
All dressed up in our February red, danced with some friends.
The spark was there. See it now like a species before endangerment.
And we told each other how we felt.
Those days after were bliss. Frolicking behind flirtation.
And I showed your ears my favorite song.
We listened in the car. Goosebumps on my arms.
Then you said “Thank you for just driving me around Salt Lake. I never get to see its beauty.”
And I listened. I heard. If only I’d pulled the car over.
And told you how that made me feel. If only.
I showed you the movie. Shouldn’t have.
About Tom and Summer. Their story was ice on my soul.
His insecurities so similar. How could I sit beside you?
Doubt plagued me. Would you change your mind? Run off with your old guy?
Should have given you a reason to stay.
The connection gone. Like a snapped rubber band.
But you had another, stronger rope to hold.
How could I give you my all?
If you were going to give yours to another.
So I didn’t.
If I did, would you have taken it?
Taken my all? I’m not sure it’s so.
There’s the doubt. Doubting you. Doubting me.
Doubting me, with all the baggage I bring.
How could I have thought you could take all that comes with?
The songs I shared with you. The secrets I gave to you. The stories I told to you. All gone. You took them with.
And I listened to our song. Just my song now. I saw the Salt Lake lights. Just the same old lights.
It hurt. This time it hurt.
And you moved on, while I held out hope.
Hope for what? Another chance? Another chance that would be tainted with more doubt?
You moved on. And it hurt.
You held hands with another.
One you’d known for two weeks.
Like when Tom saw Summer’s ring.
He hurt, I hurt.
The worst of it all, the bottom of everything.
Is that you probably see me as a fleeting thing.
Nothing more than a passing memory.
Whereas I. I esteem you with being my first chance. The first chance at something more.
Now you have the parts of me.
The parts that someone else will need to find.
And one day I’ll listen to that song.
See those lights.
See no more you.
And that will be my day.