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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 2192 comments.
cold125 said...
on Nov. 26 2008 at 7:44 pm
I think that the general idea of your poem was good, but the each stanza seemed to have a different emotion. Maybe thats what you were going for or maybe not. It also seemed to me that your diction was a little bad. Might this have been from you forming an innocent character. The title is very moving, but i do not believe the poem is strong enough to support your title. Overall it could have been better, but still well written and i like your use of repetition.
classmate said...
on Nov. 26 2008 at 1:57 am
I love how people leave comments about grammar, but have grammatical errors in their comments. Anyway, this is an awesome poem. I understand the intent behind the uncapitalized "i". I would capitalize the word "father" in the first line of the first stanza in order to be consistent. There maybe a reason why it's not, but I don't get why from the poem alone. Also, lines 3 and 4 in the third stanza seem to be a popular target for attack, but I like it. The word "birdie" helps emphasize the poem's persona.
hurricanejane said...
on Nov. 26 2008 at 1:17 am
I love this. the capitalization, and lack there of, totally adds to it. the metaphor was somewhat confusing, but the end made it pretty clear. i agree with the bit about emily dickinson - maybe just the way you talked about the Sea. anyways, good job =)
emma8 said...
on Nov. 25 2008 at 9:23 pm
Ok Im gonna have to be honest... I LOVE this poem!! I understand you grammar, the meaning...its just all around awesome. It definitely deserves to be doing to well.
hugluvr said...
on Nov. 25 2008 at 5:58 pm
this poem had a go idea but i really couldnt fallow it. really the only parts i felt were good is the 1st and last stanza everything eles... isnt that good
Azure14 said...
on Nov. 24 2008 at 5:16 pm
This poem seems to be so inconsistent and has a bad rhythm. There seems to be several unconnected themes and mixed messages.
DesertFlower said...
on Nov. 24 2008 at 3:51 am
How is this poem back at the top? Read The Reaping!!!
Jaelatthedisco said...
on Nov. 22 2008 at 10:11 pm
Er, not trying to be rude, but I really didn't like this poem. It wasn't horrible, but there wasn't anything striking about it, there was nothing that just left me in awe. I am not saying that it is a bad poem, I just don't think it is partcularly interesting. Sorry...
poemgirl217 said...
on Nov. 22 2008 at 1:49 am
this poem was inspireing. it was like i was acctually right next to you and watching you experience this moment in life as i read through you words. all i can say is keep writing.
crich897 said...
on Nov. 19 2008 at 1:01 pm
I honestly don't like this at all. For one, the structure is completely off. There is more to good writing than development of ideas (by the way, where is the development?). It seems all you have here is a mix of different feelings or themes. I suppose the people giving such praise to this piece of work are kids who have had restrictive fathers. Identifying with people, also, is not enough. What in the world is up with the "birdie"? It is completely irrelevent and underdeveloped. Lastly, you use the word "ground" to complete three different rhymes. After speculation, I highly doubt that this is to complete any kind of thought. It seems you could think of nothing else. A simple synonym (or even antonym could work in some cases!) dictionary would be very helpful to you.
Now. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. Which I know I probably do. But there are so many areas you could explore with just this one poem. So many different takes you could go with - this could truly turn into a few great pieces of work. Just be sure to know what you're saying, first. Because if you don't, we can't. "Daddy's Womb" could be a great title for something. But not this. There is something special inside of you - I can tell from this work. Don't settle for this. I know you got a lot of praise on it; but I guarantee you that this would go nowhere as is. Develop these seperate ideas and really work with your line breaks and form. This will be great.
Now. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. Which I know I probably do. But there are so many areas you could explore with just this one poem. So many different takes you could go with - this could truly turn into a few great pieces of work. Just be sure to know what you're saying, first. Because if you don't, we can't. "Daddy's Womb" could be a great title for something. But not this. There is something special inside of you - I can tell from this work. Don't settle for this. I know you got a lot of praise on it; but I guarantee you that this would go nowhere as is. Develop these seperate ideas and really work with your line breaks and form. This will be great.
Ryan said...
on Nov. 19 2008 at 12:34 am
The rhyme structure was very subtle, and I liked that. However, you seemed to struggle with it a bit. Birdie, really? I loved the first stanza, and maybe would have made that the full poem, as it concisely states your idea in really interesting language, the rest is just fluff really.
oh so me said...
on Nov. 19 2008 at 12:01 am
wow i love your style it actually makes sense to me i think more people should rely express their feelings in their writing instead of trying to seem cool or writing about flowers and stuff
Coopercut said...
on Nov. 17 2008 at 9:25 pm
The whole birdie thing just ruined the poem for me. It did not fit the poem and sounded childish and silly, like you "NEEDED" a word to complete the phrase.
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
DesertFlower said...
on Nov. 17 2008 at 5:35 pm
Uhhh I'm confused. What is this about? By the way read Guardian Angel! Anybody!
BombasticBard said...
on Nov. 16 2008 at 8:25 pm
Ive read youre poem a couple of times and i like it, but i have to say i thought it was just ok. i mean not that its bad, but it sounds very personal and i hate giving emotions rating, good or bad. Emotions should just be, not be judged. But i will admit i do love how all the "i"'s are uncapitalized, but "Father" is capitalized. Very cool.
randomperson said...
on Nov. 16 2008 at 6:36 pm
I don't like it. For others out there that would degrade my comment, it's a COMMENT not a COMPLIMENT. I get the idea of being trapped under your parents, but the title is awkward and the idea of diving doesn't totally fit.
Ama B. said...
on Nov. 16 2008 at 1:57 am
I think this wasa powerfull poem. Not in the way in which it was written (grammer, spelling, rhyme etc) rhyme has nothing to do with all good poetry. This is a beautifull form of free verse which you should be proud to have created. i give you a 9.9 out of ten not beacuse their is anything missing in quality but beacuse their is allways room for improvement, even in the greatest of works. Dont wory about the word birdie it gives quality and imagery to the peice. And your work dosent take a genious to comprehend, it takes someone with an imagination, who is able to decipher and comprehen poetry, to understand this. So for all those who say it dosent make sense, stop looking at the words and look at the meaning in them. Good Job on your peice, it was wonderfull and creative, it held a lot of insight, trust me i should know, ive been published in a book before.
Keep it up!!! Good Job, and keep writing, it seems to me as if you have more poems up your sleeve. : )
Keep it up!!! Good Job, and keep writing, it seems to me as if you have more poems up your sleeve. : )
brokenn1112 said...
on Nov. 15 2008 at 5:18 am
i love this ! it's so amazing !
clubfoot245 said...
on Nov. 15 2008 at 1:27 am
it was amaxing...such descriptive words...wow... i loved keep writing...its your thing...
aubrey_the_author said...
on Nov. 14 2008 at 9:18 pm
I thought it was a nice concept, but you should be better with your grammar; PLEASE CAPITALIZE IT!!! YOU ARE NOT WRITING IN TEXT, SO CAPITILIZE YOUR "I'S"!!!!
I know that poetry doesn't have to make sense, but this makes NO SENSE, even with the rest of the poem! "The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground." What??
Otherwise, I liked the concept. Make sure you check you work and have different drafts. Leave it alone for 24 hours after you write it, then come back. It'll help. You will be definately great in the future, it just needs work. Good luck with writing! Also, I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't want my words to be harsh, but I just wanted to get my point across. Once again, good luck, Carl, and CAPITALIZE THOSE "I's"! :)
I know that poetry doesn't have to make sense, but this makes NO SENSE, even with the rest of the poem! "The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground." What??
Otherwise, I liked the concept. Make sure you check you work and have different drafts. Leave it alone for 24 hours after you write it, then come back. It'll help. You will be definately great in the future, it just needs work. Good luck with writing! Also, I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't want my words to be harsh, but I just wanted to get my point across. Once again, good luck, Carl, and CAPITALIZE THOSE "I's"! :)
