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So close to me
i felt his hand wraped in mine...
i felt the heat of his body like an open flame.
just hot enough to chace away the chill deep in my bones.
i smiled at him and said "though your here you feel far away".
he was stuned to silence until i heard him say " love isnt actually real".
i just wanted him near
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This article has 9 comments.
First off, and this may be just me, I'm going to suggest a quick editing read through before you submit. I myself admit to the typo or two, but you've have quite a few misspellings (not to mention one of my greatest pet peeaves -- the uncapitolized "I"). This, to me, generally takes away from the poem.
Now, to the structure. I don't think you need the elipses in the first line -- the long pause is awkward. Also, repeating "I felt" would work, however you don't have repition anywhere else. So repeating it dampens the flow. You also might want to consider adding some more line breaks -- compared to the first and last lines the middle of the poem stretches out too far. But that's just for me perhaps.
In general I like it, I like the ending in particular. It could be executed better is basically what I'm saying. Has loads of potential, though :)
thanx...send me some of your work...
thax...i just wish the symbol would be there "
39 articles 1 photo 104 comments
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