a puddle full of riddles
kept me wonderin
If you were really there
or even listenin'

your vacant eyes bore into mine
and for a minute, I saw Hell.
What scared me was, I turned around
his eyes were mine as well.

pain so immense, white hot
curled my body into itself, like a beetle
waiting to drown in it, not fighting back
angry at myself for being so weak, so feeble.

those stifled sobs hanging, suspended
waiting for something to push it out
the terror almost palpable, bittersweet.
but the nose never lies; I sniffle.

trying so hard, yet results in nothingness
pity twisting into my stomach,
but I am unreachable in my fury.
my tears fall out of their own account, though.

cannot think, for if I do
I will break down, lose myself
or whatever it is left inside this corpse.
so I think of memories that blank my mind

no arms held out for comfort,
yet, I am having to learn how
independent, yet yearning
longing for something...

something that I can only hope in
something that can never become mine.
something I can never become
nothing obtainable.

painful silence, flowing into the dark
believing whispers, caressing hands
molding happy, shallow thoughts
worthless images, only hurt when my eyes open.

no one to rely on, to run to
I run away from love, from joy
thinking I don't deserve any of it.
yet lying to myself, and others believe.

I looked quickly at this face
such sadness, anger, and confusion
and what shot pure terror into me
what that I looked, and I saw myself.