remember when you called me stupid
remember when you said that I was ugly
you’ve probably forgotten but those words and many others will haunt me forever
I lie awake in bed unable to sleep
I can hear your cruel voice in my head saying the things I dread most
I believed every word that came out of your mouth
sure at first I was strong letting those words dripping with poison bounce off me
but it’s kind of like erosion
just like words can build you up they can bring you back down
back down lower than where you even were before
after a while that wall of confidence that I had built up began to crumble
I began to believe the things you said
those vicious words that cut into me
after someone tells you to shut up enough times it actually really hurts
and even though my mom tells me I’m beautiful and look great in my clothes
I can’t shake those memories of you laughing at my body
and to this day I still can’t be satisfied with this body I was given
remember when you told me I looked bad in red
that it was your color and I wasn’t allowed to wear it
I bet you would have never dreamed that six years later it would bother me
I thought it wouldn’t matter either but somehow it did
subconsciously I believed it
today I own only one red t-shirt and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve worn it
see how terrible and powerful words can really be
the way you always talked over me as if I was not there
well that made me feel like melting into the floor
and I guess that’s what you really wanted
to make me feel less than you
I always have to wonder why exactly you chose me
there were so many other girls
I like to imagine my life if you hadn’t bullied me
I might have actually been popular and had more than one friend
I might not have all these confidence issues today or be extremely depressed
you’ll never know that 3am feeling of wanting to disappear
you’ll never understand that want to move away where no one knows your face
you will never know how it felt to come home everyday and cry yourself to sleep
you’ll never know that I cringe at every tiny shot at me today even when it’s just friends and I know we’re just making some jokes
you’ll never know the heartache you've caused me
and you’ll never ever know that it was you who made me this way