I’m beginning to see
That I could fit all of my knowledge about love
Or anything else for that matter
Into a trivial sized bucket
Or maybe a small ceramic bowl

I have managed to convince myself that my sixteen years of life have shown me adversities
That I will never recover from
I’ve convinced myself
That it makes me
Drastically more deserving
Of a reward than anyone else
Maybe a gold trophy
With something corny engraved on the side

And some days I convene underneath my window
And I feel as if the world owes me something big
Because on days like this I think about how I expect absolutely nothing from everyone
And I’m still let down
Except I feel selfish for saying that

I’m scared about college
And everything else
I want to do absolutely nothing for the rest of my life
But also everything
I want to make my English teachers proud
And I want to make my father cry
And I want to have a triumphant tomato garden

And I want to lie in bed when I’m 50 years old
In the exact unchanged position as I am right now
And remember this feeling in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat
That makes me feel like I’m five years old
On the night before a class field trip
Because right now
I’m five years old thinking about what I’m going to do
With the rest of all this time I have
And when I’m fifty I’m still going to be five years old
Only assessing how all I spent all my time

I’ve been searching for so damn long
And I mean searching
For what’s gone
Yet
Everyone else seems to be perfectly content but you see I can’t find anything

And no one shows up to my house with flowers
And no one stops by to wish me the best
I just stand here and I sit there
And I deteriorate
Always looking for something
That ill never find
Because it’s been absent forever

And my poems are hollow and dry
I’ve listened to all of my favorite songs so much that I’ve
Exhausted them of all of their value
I think I often exhaust everything of it's meaning
Because as soon as I come across something that I think may change my life
I cling onto it until it snaps in half

And it’s been about a million miles and I keep telling myself that ill be at wherever I’m supposed to be going
Soon
But I never know where I am
Because my streetlights seem considerably less bright
These days