Your words, they cut like knives.
Your actions, hurt deeper than physical wounds.
The insensitivity hurts.
"Someone could sneeze the wrong way and you'll go cut yourself."
You don't get it, I hurt myself because of you.
You make me feel ashamed to be myself.
I feel so out of place and out of touch that I can't decipher what's right or wrong.
And you can't see it.
You don't see the effort I'm putting in.
You don't see that each day I get weaker.
I hurt so easily.

You can't see all these scars, but trust me they're there, inside and out.
The inconsiderateness doesn't help either.
Maybe I don't make myself clear enough.
I know what I need to fix, but you need to know to.
I give you the benefit of the doubt all the time and try to see myself from your point of view.
But you, you just keep going on making me seem evil, I hate myself enough, but you make me hate myself even more.
Everytime I try to explain myself you cut me off.
I also hear your conversations about how frustrating I am.
Which proves my point that you can't stand me and don't want me here.
I hold it in so you don't get hurt by my feelings, but I constantly get hurt by yours.

Every piercing word in the freakish yells hurt.
Truth or not truth it hurts to be told that you're practically worthless.
We take one step forward and two steps back.
I can't get away from you as easily as before.
You constantly get inside my head to the point where I break down every night.
I fight the urge as much as possible, but when it gets so bad I give in.
I'm not proud of my relapses, but I'm not sorry either.
I'm not sorry to show that I'm hurt, but it also shows that I've overcome that hurt.
Each scar shows a journey of pain that I'm getting through.
I value my life living with the ones I love more than anything and would never be so selfish to take that away from them.
But it hurts to be around them.

It hurts to live in this house silenced by what needs to be said.
I'm not confrontational so tell me to confront all you want but it won't happen.
It's not like I can say anything without irrational views being taken on it anyway.
So I will continue to shut my mouth until it becomes too much because I've accepted the process.
I've accepted the process of silence.
No I don't like it, but I won't break it either, because it's easier for me to keep it in than to let it out to you who will just yell at me anyway.
And besides, it's not easy to tell you I have a problem with either of you, I mean have you seen your tempers.

But even besides that, all I want to do is keep everyone safe and unhurt.
I don't want to be the one hurting everyone else.
I'm used to being used and abused, I am the metaphorical punching bag and that's fine, but I won't do that to you because I will not become that low.
So there it is, that is how I feel.
I feel hurt and sad and upset and angry and done with it all but at the same time I love you and I don't know why.
I value any good moments there are, but the bad ones come more often and maybe you don't see it but I do.

Paying more attention would be a beneficial thing but it's okay because I'm used to no one noticing how I feel.
I know it's not actually okay considering how I am, but I understand that it's hard to change behaviours.
So I don't know what else to say, I know what I need to fix and it takes time, I hope that you know what you need to fix too.
I'm sorry for being myself and feeling the way I feel, I don't know how to fix my dark mind and I wish I could because sometimes you make me so angry I could hurt you in the worst way possible, but I don't because that's irrational and unjust and jail isn't worth it.
So i'm going to go on silenced because I've accepted that I don't have a voice in this family.
I'm just a name and a face who simply does not belong.
I am the fragile wallflower that tries to put up a hard front but is just full of broken pieces and sadness and so many thoughts that make the wallflower breakdown.
There are too many feelings for this wallflower to feel in one day, please try not to add any more on.