I sleep a lot now.
Closing my eyes in defeat
hoping and pleading
that when I wake
my mind will be cleared of the endless thoughts
and rambling words and useless regrets
only to realize that they never go away.

I cry a lot now.
helplessly letting it drip down my cheeks
emotionless, just there
no pain visible in my face
but a war occurring in my head.
I don’t feel much anymore.
short-lived bursts of joy
interrupt the more long-standing fear,
and the rest of my body carrying out what my mind commands
without impulsion or motivation
a dead weight hand on the end of a dead weight arm
commanded by the battlefield that is my mind.

I don’t talk much anymore.
Not since you left
and nobody else understood me like you did
though they all say they do
they all say they’re here for me
and to call whenever I need
but that’s not how it was with you
I didn’t even have to tell you I needed help
you could tell by the sound of my voice
and sometimes even the lack thereof.

And I need that now.
I need your unprecedented understanding of me
and the way you knew my mind better than you knew my body
and how you made me sane again
and kept me from doing these self-destructive things
things that I know are killing me slowly
but things that I can’t stop
things that hurt me and make me alive at the same time

I drink a lot now.
filling the void that emerged when you left
pouring it full of vodka or gin
and on days when the void is gaping
sometimes it is filled with both.

I smile a lot now.
More than usual;
overcompensating for the lack of genuine happiness
and you would see that
you would know
you would hear it in my voice and see it in my eyes and feel it in my skin
and you would understand.

It’s not fair now.
I hated being put in the position of hero
having to talk those I love off of a ledge
and now look
the roles are reversed
and my hero is nowhere to be seen
scared off by my selfishness and greed
I don’t want anyone to save me
it’s too horrible a task
it rips at a soul that didn’t need to be tarnished
a perfectly whole being
completely disintegrated by someone else’s pain.