Sometimes I wonder if my veins will burst
And pour out the fluid that calls itself blood,
But it’ll be black like sludge and burn my skin
As I pull in
Puff out
Steam again.
I dream I’m a robot with no mortal strands
tugging my life along,
No milestones to reach or food to digest,
No imperfections to glimmer among the steel pieces of my body.
I pretend and make believe but it never changes,
No, it never leaves,
I’m always me in a world surrounded
by machines,
I hide away in the gears of my mind,
Pulling off cobwebs and repeating motions over and over and over to calm myself down.
I tap the wall, focus on the length of each sound,
Match it to the tempo of my heartbeat,
And tell myself I’m a clock,
Tick tock,
Going through my motions.
I wind myself up each day to forever teeter
on the edge of breaking down,
But I hold it in,
Get to where I’ve been designated,
And my routine circles around.
I wish I could break out of my metal prison,
To feel human again,
But I realize that I’ve never been trapped
by anyone but myself,
Locked away so no one could help or hear.
I’ve chosen to tear off the chains on my wrists
The shackles that bind me
Wires that trick me into believing I’m alone.
I’m unscrewing the doors that hold me in place
To breathe fresh air and come out of the
grease-and-fire-filled pieces of my mind.
I’m deprogramming because I’m
Alive