Chapter 1

The only thought that runs through my mind as I stare down at the journal my dad gave me, was “Why do I have to be here?”  Now, I know that that’s not a nice thought at someone’s funeral, but it’s only my dad so we can overlook that.  I understand that I shouldn’t be talking about my dad like that right now, what with this gathering being in his honor and all, but he knows what he did so I don’t have to care for now.  This tiny funeral home room feels way to Alfred Hitchcock to me to be even slightly comfortable sitting all by myself.  I don’t want to just sit here and ‘grieve’ like everyone else.
I look down at the leather bound journal my dad had left for me.  It was nice of him to get me something for graduation before he died, but it felt half-assed.  The next time I see a garbage can, I’ll probably throw it out.
I peer around the room and see relatives that I don’t know, don’t care to know, or find just plain weird.  Amongst them is my mother who, just like me, does not want to be here.  You can see it plainly on her face that she wants, no needs, an excuse to leave.  But she can’t leave me stranded and I can’t leave by myself, so this is where we are going to be for the next few hours, wasting away in this miserable funeral home.
I see my mom hold up a hand to my aunt and start walking towards me.
“ When are we leaving?” I ask.  “I could have seen at least ten episodes of ‘I Love Lucy’ by now, but we’re still here.  I feel like Norman Bates is going to appear any moment in a wig and dress and start going at it.”
“Just be patient.  We’ll be leaving soon, Katy-Cat,” she responds.  “I told Aunt Irene that I was having major lady issues and that we were going home.  Don’t worry, a TV marathon is in your future.” She smiled at me and gave me a hug, knowing that that wouldn’t make me feel better, but that it wasn’t unwanted.
We started to walk out until my stepmom -- or I guess former stepmom -- stopped us from moving any farther away from the group.  She smelled like my dad and whiskey, which I found somewhat comforting, and she was wobbling terribly.  She was drunk.
“Has you sss-een Shane anywhere?  I’s been looking fer him erwhere.  He’s uppos’d ta be here fer his dad.”
Correction, very drunk.
“Uh Gina, can we talk about him later?” my mom urged.
“Umhm, sure just, uh, yeah imma call yous later,” she responded.  I knew people grieve in different ways but damn this girl was hammered.  I mean she’s always a little drunk, but today is different.  She always smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish, but today is her only get out of jail free card.
Back to Shane.  Who is he and how does he know my dad?  I know that his name rings no bells, but he must be important.  But before I could ask my stepmom, she stumbled back into the wall and was helped into a chair by my uncle James, her brother.  My mom then started to hurry us out the door.
“Mom, who’s Shane?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you later, hon.  Let’s just get to Jay’s” she said.  I didn’t feel like arguing at that point, so I let it go.  For now, we were heading back to the best diner in Port Townsend.  It’s run by this guy, Jacob, who makes the best coffee and burgers in all of Washington. My mom and I go there almost every day.  He was like a stand-in dad for me after my mom left my dad.
My parents had divorced before I was born, so I have no memory of what they were like together.  My mom said that they fought a lot and that she didn’t think that I would do well with parents who didn’t love each other anymore.  I didn’t see him very often, and I never minded that; mostly because he was boring.  We had nothing in common, so after a while, he stopped trying and I stopped caring.  I always got a birthday and Christmas card in the mail with a couple hundred dollars in it, but you could tell he didn’t care because it was never in his handwriting.  I guess that happens when you’re not a father anymore.
As we were leaving Seattle, that stupid journal still in my hands, I thought about all of this.  My dad, why we left, why he stopped caring about me.  He never even bothered to call me when he got sick.  All  my mom told me, was that he had died and that it had been brain cancer.  On top of being estranged and not loved anymore it never really sunk in that he had passed, and I figured that’s just how it was going to be.
I wish I had a normal family.
After Jay’s, we went straight home.  I didn't feel like talking so I went up into my room and fell asleep right away.
     Hours later, I woke up in a cold sweat and sat bolt upright.
  3:28
I wiped the beads of sweat off my face and wiped them on my blanket.  I had to talk to mom.  I needed questions answered like, why didn’t dad call to tell me he was dying and, did he forget about me completely, and -- oh, crap!  I forgot all about Shane!
I got out of bed and walked down the hallway to my mom’s room.  Her light was off, but I could hear Colbert through the door.  I knocked, heard her swear, the TV shutting off then nothing.  I opened the door and walked in and got into her bed.
“Mom?  Are you awake?” I asked.
“Huh, what?  Oh yeah, a little.  Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, trying - and failing - to sound tired.
“I had this dream about dad and I just needed to talk,” I answered.
“Okay, I’m up.  Lay it on me.”
“It’s just that I can’t tell if dad was doing me a favor and not telling us about his cancer or if I’m super pissed at him.  And I can be mad at him, right?  I mean he’s dead, so he can’t really fix it but that’s fair, right?  It’s just that I had this weird dream about him and I don’t know what it meant.  And when I woke up,” I was starting to cry now, and I hate crying.  “...I finally realized that he was gone.  Like, forever.  I’m not going to see him ever again.
“I know that I said I hated him but deep, way deep down, I still love him.  Or I guess, loved him.  I just need something to take my mind off of it for a while.”
“Well, I promise he loved you too.  He was a good person and a good father for the both of you.” my mom said.
Wait, hold on.
“Who’s ‘the both of us?’” I asked.
“What, no.  I said for you.”
“No, you said the both of us.  What’s going on?  What did you mean?  Is there something you’re not telling me?” I was now questioning everything she was saying.
“I, uh…” she was thinking, but she’s definitely not getting out of this one.
“Mom.  What is it?”
“Uh, okay.  I, uh, guess I have to tell you now.” she was stalling.  “Your father and I divorced when I was about 7 months pregnant with you, and we were in the middle of a custody battle.  Who got what, and…”
“And, what?” I asked.
“...well, I got custody of you, because I was pregnant with you and knew I couldn’t give you up right after I had you.  But, um, your father…  He got custody of your brother.”
Back the truck up a second.
“I have a brother?  Why didn’t you or dad tell me this?” I asked.
“We figured that it didn’t need to come up because you two never needed to meet.  Your dad and I weren’t ever on the best terms, and having you two getting attached to each other wasn’t going to be a problem so long as you never met.  You both would want to see each other too much and that would disrupt a lot of your time to do the other, more important things in your life.   And after he left Seattle to go to college at West Virginia State,  your meeting was even less of a problem.
“I wasn't sure if I made the right decision but in the long run, I think that it was what was best for you then.”  There was a long pause that followed that punch to the gut.
“You can hate me all you want, but I stand with your father.  But I ask you to think before you say anything else.  Just know that I love you and hid this part of your life from you because I love you.”
What did I want to say?  All these years and not once did dad ever mention that I had a brother and that he lived so close.  I would never have guessed that this was going to happen.
“How old is he?  I mean my brother, or-I um…” I tried to think it through before I said anything else.  “Who is he, where is he, does he know about me, does he know about dad or does he not care?  Did he ever ask about me, did you ever visit him or did you just stop caring about him like dad did to me?  I'm so confused and I don't know what to say and I have so many questions but I just…” Breath in, breath out. “...just want to meet him.  I have to see him.  I have to talk to him.  I'm not doing well processing this and I need his point of view.”  I started to stand up and walk out the door when I felt my mom following me back to my room.  I stopped short and turned to her.
“What do you do when your mom drops a bombshell on you?  Do you carry on?  Do you something about it or do you leave it be because I don't want to do either.”  I was starting to choke up again.  “How do I handle this?”
“I can see that you’re not going to be able to do anything but dwell on this, but it’s late; you have school and I have work.  Go back to sleep and we’ll discuss this in the morning.  Just know that I love you Katy-Cat and I’m doing you a favor by making you wait.”  She walked back to her room, leaving me in the dimly lit hallway.  I couldn’t just go back to sleep knowing that something was missing, he was missing from my life.  I had to go see him and no one is going to stop me.
I crept back into my room, pulled out a duffle bag and started throwing as much stuff in it as I could.  I decided that I would leave tomorrow, that I wasn’t waiting.  Before I went back to bed, I grabbed the journal off my bedside table and threw it into the bag as well.  I thought maybe I could document the whole thing.  This journal couldn’t go without a purpose.
Bag packed and ready to start my adventure, I crawled into bed and tried to fall asleep.
Get ready West Virginia because here I come.
The next morning, I got up an hour early, ready to start my day.  I waved goodbye to my mom as I sprinted out the door.  I was running late to put my plan in motion.  I was excited and terrified, but I was ready to go.  I sped out of my driveway and towards Jay’s to get coffee and breakfast.  I had texted the gang to meet early so I could catch them up to speed.  In case of an emergency, Lana, Shannon, and Jace were going to be my backup.  I was trusting them with this, and I knew that I would be fine once I knew that they had my back.
I pulled up to the door and ran in, the Washington rain pelting my back.  As soon as I walked in, I was hit with the most comforting smell I could have hoped to have had on a day like this.
“Kat!” I turned to see Jacob holding a mug of coffee.
He knew me so well.  I walked over and took the cup from his hand.
“Why are you so early?  It’s six in the morning,  and you’re actually out of bed?”  This was unusual for him, mostly because I’m not a morning person and I never get up before the butt-crack of dawn.
“I had to meet some people.” I said.
“I figured.” He motioned over to the door just as Shannon walked in. 
He swaggered over to our usual table and took a seat.
“I gotta get back to work.” Jacob said.
“I’ll leave you alone.” I said as I walked over to him and sat down.
“So, can you tell me what’s up now, or do I have to wait until the Wonder Twins get here?” he asked.
“Hold your horses, they’ll be here soon.” I answered.  “You know they’re always late, so I said to get here 15 minutes early so they’d get here on time.” Just as I finished my sentence, the bell on the door rang and up walked a very wet, and an unhappy couple of kids.
“Sorry we’re late.  Jace had to spend extra time on his hair this morning,”  Lana explained. 
“Well I care about my appearance, unlike some people.” Jace defended. He and his sister then started to fight, but I cut them off before anyone broke a nail.
“Guys, I don’t have time for this right now.  I have something important to tell you.” I announced.  “I’m leaving for spring break and going to West Virginia to meet my brother that I just found out about.”
“WHAT?” they yelled in unison.  My explaining got lost in the screams of confusion.  Once I got them all to shut up, I told them everything; dad’s cancer, the funeral, my talk with mom last night, all of it.  When I was done I was bombarded with questions.  ‘Was I scared?’  ‘Am I going by myself?’  ‘Was I mad?’  I let them all deal with it in their own ways.  Jace was having a panic attack for me, Lana was talking a mile a minute, and Shannon, like me, waited for the yelling to subside.
“I’m leaving after school today.  I figured I’d be there in three days as long as I paced it right.”
“I’m coming with you.  There is nothing you can say to change my mind.” Lana declared.
“Me too.  We can’t let you go all by yourself.” Jade agreed.  “I’ll have a bag packed, and on time for once.”
“No, I can’t let you guys skip your trip to London.  You’ve been planning it for months!” I exclaimed.
“You need to understand that this is very important and that’s why we have to come with you,” Shannon interjected.  “If it were one of us you would do the exact same, and you know it.  Talking to him is obviously something that you have to do on your own, but we are going to help you do that.  Get gas, food, hotels, the lot of it.  We love you Kat, and nothing you say is going to change that so just accept the help  you’re getting.”
His speech helped me get back in it, and I decided to just go with it.  Plus, and I hated to admit it, but I really did need their help.  It would be nice to spend some extra time with them too.
We planned to get together after school back at Jay’s and leave in my car since it was the nicest out of the lemons we all owned.  My car was also a lemon, but it had a working stereo.
As we were leaving the diner, it finally hit me that I was going to meet my older brother.  Something like this doesn’t happen all the time so I really had to savor the time that I was getting.  I was also very scared about how he was going to react.
I thought about Shane all day.  I didn’t pay attention to anything in any of my classes but really, no one was.  Everyone else was excited about spring break, but I was the only one freaking out.  I was thinking about what I was going to say to him once I got to West Virginia.  I had butterflies in my stomach and one rager of a headache, but I really didn’t care.  My nerves were trying their hardest to scare me, but I did a better job of ignoring them.
Once school got out, I made a beeline to my car, but my friends had already beat me there.
“Are you ready?” they asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered.  This was so surreal for me, but I knew that I would be prepared soon enough.  For now, we were driving out of Port Townsend and into the big scary world.  I knew that I was excited, scared, unprepared, but overall giddy.  I was excited about the possibility of a normal family.
This was the beginning of my life and I was ready to start its first chapter.