Strip Clubs and Cupcakes | Teen Ink

Strip Clubs and Cupcakes

August 24, 2012
By callmebaddog SILVER, Spokane, Washington
callmebaddog SILVER, Spokane, Washington
8 articles 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
-James Dean

As well all stood around listening to the pastor speak his sermon. When we got to the note he wrote;
‘To whom it does not concern, I went to jump off the
roof because my religion told me to. I'm sure the
insurance company will be sorry to hear of my death.
Please dispose of my corpse by selling pieces to the
Ferengi and give nothing at all to my roommate. See you
all in Hell.’

No one laughed at Simon’s attempt to make people smile at the loss of a great friend, but I did, I smiled. I knew he was trying to cheer everyone up with his love of Star Trek.
I think I was the only one who understood who the Ferengi were besides Simon’s older brother, Melvin. Simon hadn’t really believed in any religion except for following the way the Ferengi had their business set up. I laughed out loud, only to be called an “asshole” by Simon’s grandmother. She didn’t understand why I had laughed, it wasn’t because I thought the passing of my best friend was funny; it was the fact that I was thinking of ways Melvin and I could honor Simon’s death. No matter how he wanted to go, Simon had always talked about being sold on the Ferengi’s version of the black market.

Melvin glanced my way and gave a small smirk, he didn’t know what I was planning for us to do this year. But we were going to do it for Simon. We were going to go all around the world and convert them to our new religion. Dirty looks crosses the faces of all the relatives, even the children of Simon Anderson. After the pastor had read his sermon, and Simon’s little love note to the rest of us, every one piled into their cars and drove off.

I stood there for a minute as I watched all the brightly colored cars drive off from Simon’s new home. Walking slowly I pondered how many people in his new neighborhood had been burried without close on. While looking at the ground I stumbled over a small rock, and fell face first onto Moly Mardeu’s grave. I was supposed to be meeting Melvin at “The Love Deli”. After I figured out where the Deli was, I hadn’t known it wasn’t a “Deli” Deli until I saw the sign off of Forrest Ave.

After figuring out that “The Love Deli” was a strip club I wasn’t very hesitant to go in, and find Melvin. He was in the back surrounding himself with “Samantha Milkshake”, and “Terry Cherry”.

“Well I see you’re taking this well. It hasn’t been an hour after your brothers burial, and you’re already trying to get some”, I laughed as I tried to be serious.

“It ain’t like he’s going to be resurrected then come back and join me," he sounded mocking, but he wasn’t. He knew as well as I did that this was one of Simon’s most visited places in the city. Here, and the comic book store on Main street.

“You know what we should do?” I said.

“No? Should we pay for more dancers?”

“No, four is enough. But we should do something for Simon. Like, we should continue and maybe make a religion for him. The Ferengi way, we should call it. People would dig it! FOR SIMON!”

As I yelled out his name, a bouncer had come in from outside. He was dressed in all black, with large shades cover his eyes. Whatever I had done proir to yelling must have made him mad. Because he started over towards me, and I started backing up until my back met the wall.

“Your name Ralph?”, his squeeky voice didn’t match up to his dark muscular body.

“Yeeeeahhh-no? Maybe? Why? What did I do?”

“I’m sorry for your loss of Simon man! I brought you a cupcake! Can I give you a hug? I’m gonna give your ass a nice hug! I’m so sorry brother!”

I guess there wasn’t much hope left for the cupcake, but I didn’t mind his man-hug. After he got done hugging me, I ate the mashed cupcake. My day went from epically shitty, to wonderful. All thanks to a strip club, a large African-American bouncer, and a smooshed cupcake.

The author's comments:
I wrote this my freshman year of high school, and when I read it, it still makes me laugh. Enjoy!

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