February 28, 1993

Priscilla's Service

by H. C., Newburyport, MA

Nina stares at her black shoes. Dewi tries to read but her throat closes in on the words and makes tears come from her eyes. The passage is from the Book of Revelations. I wonder what is being revealed to Pricilla now. Nina has a button undone. Her grandmother's undoing was her lack of will to live.

Curtis sits next to me. Rocking back and forth he mumbles the creed; he doesn't know all the words. It's familiar to me, eight years of Catholic school is not easily forgotten. I was taught religion, but at times like these what I need is faith.

Pricilla is Nina's and Curtis's grandmother. She died last Wednesday. I know a wrinkled face and short white curls, but I never knew the woman. I feel for Nina, but I am out of place. The minister talks about love, through Pricilla we can learn about God from the other side. He doesn't know that I never loved her.

After the eulogy I help serve tea and distribute white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. I eat three and feel full. I look over at Stowell, the grandfather. I can see how empty he feels, his faith now weakened. I ask if he wants a cookie but he's not hungry.

Nina and I eat lemons in the kitchen, but we still don't cry. Nina knew her grandmother was going to die, she was prepared. Her mother and brother had too much hope for her recovery. Their eyes are red, their mouths dry. They sit on the couch holding each other. I'm ready to go home. I don't know what to say to anyone, so I just say good-bye.

Walking out of the door I can hear the religion. "I believe in the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth ..." Stowell gasps the words of his faith - his revelations. Through the tears he chokes on his creed. My father and I get into the car, full from the food and the words. The ones who loved her stay inside, rocking back and forth, empty.