So after I pulled that trigger, it was hours before someone had found my lifeless body. Suicide. A shotgun to the head. Once news had begun to spread about my “tragic” suicide, people immediately began blaming Courtney for my death. People mostly thought she shot me and made it look like I took my own life. Let’s clear this up; I took my own life because I was unhappy. Part of my unhappiness did stem from Courtney and I’s pitiable marriage, however. But still, the police consistently investigated and interrogated her. There was nothing I could do to defend her and tell them the truth. As much hatred as I had toward Courtney, I couldn’t stand to see her going through the extremely ridiculous interrogations. Although she was just my “awfully shredded wife” who used me for drug money, it was clear that she somewhat had loved me at some point at the end.

Okay so you’re probably really confused as to how I’m telling you this information, and how I know what’s gone on. Well, let me explain. You see, there is nothing on the other side. No bright lights, no burning bottomless pits of doom. Just darkness. A constant feeling of being cold and lonely. I might even argue that my unhappy life was better than this. You’re spirit has no final destination; you wander aimlessly around the ones you left behind. You can make your presence known, or you can stay out of sight and just watch what’s going on. Most spirits choose to remain unseen like me. Although I’ve wanted to make my presence known time after time, and give my opinions about things—such as who would receive exclusive rights to Nirvana’s recorded, unreleased songs (which I’ll explain later)—I couldn’t say anything.

I saw countless friends and family members’ expressions of shock and disbelief when they heard the news of my suicide. Everyone reacted very differently. The sad thing is, some people called me selfish and had no pity for me while at the same time they only felt bad for Courtney. “Oh poor Courtney, how could Kurt have done this to her?” Oh man, little did they know they should’ve been thinking the other way around. Poor Kurt. Often I would watch Frances, such an angelic, innocent, beautiful little girl. She was too young to understand what was going on when I took my life—only two years old—and as she grew up it wasn’t really possible for her to miss me. After all, she didn’t even remember me. I guess it was better that way. However, I felt extremely guilty for leaving her to be raised by Cokehead Courtney. (Frances if you’re reading this I hope you understand how sorry I am for leaving you with her.) Fortunately for Frances, a few members of my family and a few sane members of Courtney’s family would gain custody whenever Courtney was considered unfit to take care of Frances. Inevitably, Frances and Courtney never really got along due to the extent of Courtney’s mental instability. Sadly enough, they don’t even speak anymore. But I am so proud of the extravagant woman Frances has grown into. Courtney will never change her ways; it became apparent that she wouldn’t change when she lost me and eventually the respect from our daughter.

Speaking of being proud, who knew our dorky drummer Dave would one day become one of the greatest musicians of all time? Little did Krist and I know how successful Dave would one day be when we added him to Nirvana as our drummer. Foo Fighters is a legendary band, and Dave is a musical genius. So once I died, there was great controversy over the recorded, unreleased songs of Nirvana. By law, Courtney had the legal rights to this stuff because she was my “wife,” but come on! Seriously, she had nothing to with the process of the production of the music itself; how would she know what was best for Nirvana? I watched her and Dave argue time after time over the rights. I watched the dreadful legal battle, always rooting for Dave to gain the rights. Unfortunately, Courtney kept the rights to Nirvana’s music and selfishly wouldn’t release any of it to the public. I hated her even more so for doing this. Dave and Krist were devastated when they realized all of their work would never be retrieved. I don’t blame Dave for hating Courtney’s guts. It came as a shock to me when they hugged each other at the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame induction. Ultimately, I guess not being able to release the recorded Nirvana songs led to Dave doing his own thing and starting up Foo Fighters. Now that I’m gone and have had time to think about it, I realize there were a lot of things I should’ve included in my suicide note. Give me a break though, I was dealing with Courtney Love and trying to escape her madness after all. I didn’t think these things through.

About a month ago I watched Dave and Krist represent Nirvana for our induction into the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame and hoped they knew how proud I was of them. Twenty years ago, this wouldn’t have meant anything to me or to any of us really. Back then all we cared about was making the music that we liked and not giving a f*** what anyone else thought about it. We weren’t trying to get big for fame and awards; we just wanted to share a part of ourselves that we hoped other people could relate to. As we matured throughout the years, we realized how precious the art of our music was. Nirvana deserved the recognition and without Dave and Krist helping me, it wouldn’t have been possible in all honesty. It was kind of uncomfortable for me to watch other people fill in for me and sing the songs I wrote and used to perform. However, Joan Jett and Lorde were good choices for fill-ins. Some thing we started twenty years ago finally was appreciated how it should have been all along. I miss making music with Dave and Krist, but I always am proud of their accomplishments.

I know there will always be controversy over my death, but I took my own life. Yes, certain people may have factored into why I did it, but they didn’t take my life. I’m stuck wandering aimlessly forever, and I admiringly watch my daughter Frances blossom into the woman she was destined to be. I angrily watch Courtney and her idiotic decisions. And joyfully watch the Dave and Krist in the midst of their success.