What does fear mean to you? A sudden loud noise? Bright lights? To me, it would forever be the clicking sound of a gun being loaded. The haunting screams of my peers, until they are finally silenced. I will always wonder how just a few short hours could ruin the rest of my life.

“Did you eat breakfast Jackie?” I was jolted out of my thoughts by my mother's simple question. We are currently on our way to my high school. And I had just been thinking about the upcoming dance when my mother had interrupted my train of thought. “Yes, I had the last couple of waffles,” I replied. My mom mocked her anger “You ate them all?”, but I had caught the smile dancing upon her lips. I simply laughed and nodded my head. We finally pulled up to the school and I hopped out of the car to avoid my mom's “wrath”. I closed the passenger door and waved my goodbyes as I ran to catch up to my best friend, Jeremey. I jumped on his back and we fell down, laughing. However, we caught the disapproving gaze of our principal and I hurried to help Jeremey up. We went our separate ways to get to our lockers with the promise to see each other in 2nd period. I checked the time and realized I only had a few short minutes to get to the other side of the building for science. I shoved my bag into my locker and hoped nothing of value had found a home inside, seeing as it would now be broken. I raced to class and made it just in time. Panting, I found my seat next to Jeremey and dramatically threw myself into the seat. “Ms. Lopez, save the dramatics for this years play.” Mrs. Barnes drawled out. I gave a sheepish grin and got my supplies out. Second and third period dragged on and by the end of class my energy had deflated and I dragged my feet to fourth and fifth period. My ⅘ class time is spent in math, although I spent it dreaming of the soon approaching summer time. Finally it was time for lunch, even though the food is completely inedible, I still enjoy spending time with Jeremey and all of our other friends. Little did I know lunch would change everything.

“Hey Jackie, race ya to our table.” but before I could retort, Jeremey was already racing by. I rolled my eyes at his actions and continued to walk to “our” table. When I arrived, Jeremey was yawning and putting on a show of how long I took to sit down. “Mrs. Barnes was wrong, you need to be in this years play.” He chuckled and moved a spot for me to sit down next to him. “Look at James over there.” My gaze swept the area trying to find James. James was a “weird” kid. He was nice, but a big target for bullying. He never said anything and didn’t have many (if any) friends. “Jeremey leave him alone!” I didn’t like when James was picked on. He was just quiet and there was nothing wrong with that. “Whatever Jacks…” Jeremey scoffed. When I looked again at James, he looked enraged. It wasn’t your normal teenage hormone angry, it was dark and powerful rage. His eyes were dark and deadly, like storm clouds. I was afraid he had heard Jeremey, but after a few seconds of looking around, he let out a small smile and relaxed into his seat. Well that was strange… I thought. I shrugged it off and waited for the table to be dismissed to go through the lunch line. I had just turned my back to James when I heard a click. I froze, having heard that sound many times in my life. My dad went hunting on the regular and would often take me with him. The click was unmistakable; it was the sound of a gun being loaded. And then the nightmare started. A gunshot and a scream. And suddenly Jeremey was in my face, screaming. When had he gotten there? Time seemed to be moving slowly while I watched his mouth form words I didn’t hear. Then he was grabbing me and covering me with his body. That was what knocked me out of my trance, the contact. I tried to push him away, to make him move for cover. Alas, Jeremey was too heavy and too determined to protect me to be moved. He was screaming my name and telling me to get down. But then his struggle to save me stopped and he became heavier. I was confused until I felt the warm liquid spreading down my arms and across my chest. I looked at his face only to find it was still frozen in a scream and his eyes were seeing and unseeing. James had shot him. My best friend was gone. I began to scream. I don’t know how long I was screaming for, but my throat was raw when I finally silenced myself. I finally came to my senses and rolled Jeremy's body off of me. I knew by the amount of blood on me that he was no longer alive and that there was no way I could help him. James was still shooting into the crowd and I figured it would be best to try to run out and possibly warn the other classes. I crawled on my hands and knees through the bits of lunch and the mix of peoples blood until I got to the lunchroom doors. When I made it to the doors, I stood and turned around. James was stopped and was staring (unblinkingly) at me. I was afraid then. Afraid he was going to shoot me. Afraid that my mother and Jeremey’s mother would have no way of knowing just how much we loved them. But James shook his head and looked back into the crowd. I took my chance to run and help the rest of the kids in the school. I arrived at Mrs. Barnes room first. I burst through the door, panting, and all eyes were on me. “M-Mrs. Barnes… James.” “James has a gun, he’s shooting up the school right now!” Mrs. Barnes’ eyes went wide and her hands clutched at her chest when she saw my appearence. “Are you alright dear?” I nodded. “This isn’t my blood…” and she seemed to understand. I realized it was very quiet… it was too quiet. “Mrs. Barnes?” I whispered. She looked at me and put a finger to her lips. All was quiet but my heart felt like it was trying to make a mad escape from my chest. Everything was shaking and there were tears running down my face. Footsteps from the hall broke the silence. James. He was coming down the hallway. He stopped outside Mrs. Barnes’ door and, once again, looked at me. There wasn't any anger or pleasure in his gaze, he was scared. “James… please.” and that broke him out of his stupor. He snarled and let the bullets rain on the students. Mrs. Barnes was the first to go down. The bullets mocked her as they tore through her body. When she fell, her mouth was frozen in a forever lasting scream. Her lips forming the perfect O shape. Next was the students. The jocks that were seated by the door got shot first. Our star quarterback attempted to cover his unsuspecting friends, but he was too slow. His attempts were all for nothing yet he still went down. I heard a high pitched scream and it seemed to be coming out of my mouth. As students were crying and holding their peers close as they bled out, I realized I had to call 9-1-1. Someone needed to get help and that someone was going to be me. My phone was dead and coated in Jeremey’s blood. “Sh*t!” I cursed under my breath. The only phone I could use in the classroom was behind James. My only other option is to run to the front office and use the phones in there. I turned my back to James to get to the door and was almost out of the room when I felt a gun pressed to my back. My eyes closed and I let out a whimper. Please Lord, I’m not ready… I chanted that over and over again in my head and it seemed my prayers were answered because James removed the gun and shoved me forward. My eyes shot open and I gasped for air. When did I stop breathing? I wondered. No matter, I needed to get to the office and get help. The hallway floors were covered in the bodies of students passing to get to class. The hallway was slick with their blood and haunted with their screams. I heard the pained moans of students who were shot but not killed. Sobs were coming out of my mouth at the horrors, but I kept running. “Why did James spare me?” I thought out loud. It was very confusing, I had never directly spoke to him and he had never spoke to me. My thoughts were interrupted when I made it to the office. I walked in and was “greeted” with students who were sent to the office and had taken cover under the chairs. The sight of the sweet office staff that always offered candy slumped over make my heart twinge. James had already ran his course throughout the office and had killed many of the staff. The phone was in my line of sight and I sprinted to it, desperate to save some lives. I dialed the number with shaky hands and waited for the operator to pick up. “9-1-1, whats your emergency?” “PLEASE THERE IS AN ACTIVE SHOOTER AT CREEK HILLS HIGHSCHOOL! HE IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS AND HAS ALREADY BROUGHT DOWN MANY STUDENT BODIES!” I all but screeched into the phone. I heard a sharp intake of breath and the clicking of keyboard keys. “Okay help is on the way, stay safe and out of sight.” I hung up the phone and ran out to the hallway. James was standing at one end of the hallway and was fast approaching the group of girls cowering close to where I was standing. I raced over to the girls and threw my body in front of them. They clutched at my shirt and told me to get out of there, that it was okay. But I shook my head and I stood my ground and awaited James arrival. He reached me and raised his gun to my forehead. I had tears racing down my face and tasted the salt on my lips. But yet I smiled, laughed even. Because James had been around the gun all afternoon and had ringing in his ears. I could hear the fast approaching police sirens and he could not. “What?! What’s so funny?” “I’m going to f**king kill you! It’s not a game anymore!” I shook my head and laughed, opening my eyes. “Looks outside James, you have visitors.” He turned his head and gasped. “Well if i’m going down, you’re going down with me!” And he fired at me. A searing pain went through my thigh and blood came pouring out of the open wound. James looked horrified when he realized what he had done to me. “No, no! I-I’m so sorry Jackie; I didn’t… I didn’t mean too. I love you! ``I-I would never....” But then he stopped his bantering. And slowly raised his gun to his own head. My eyes widened as I tried to stand and stop him. Tears made tracks down his blood stained face and he smiled at me. He shook his head and shoved the gun into his mouth. The police barged through the front doors. “Hey! Kid stop that!” But it was too late. James pulled the same trigger that had just ended many lives. Blood threw itself onto my lips and painted the lockers with its angry color. He had ended his own life. And for what reason? The guilt? I’ll never know, I’ll never be able to walk these halls again. The paramedics came in for me and lifted me onto a stretcher. I had no emotions until I saw the parents sobbing in front of the school. The tears fell freely at the sights of hopeful parents, broken parents, and angry parents. My own came rushing up to me and threw themselves down to the ground. Thanking the lord that their baby girl had made it out alive. A news team was following close behind and that made me mad. What right did they have to see these people in their most dejected state? But the people I was both looking for and dreading to see was Jeremey’s parents. I found them and they looked at me with hope in their eyes. Searching desperately for an answer I was hesitant to give. Another tear fell and I angrily swiped it away. I looked up once more and sadly, slowly shook my head. His mother fell immediately at my motions, falling to her husband for support he could not give. The paremdics took me from the place that would never be the same. What once was a highschool was now a graveyard.

Months later I still see the anger in James eyes, and still hear the click of the gun being loaded. I wake up in the middle of the night screaming at the pictures painted in my mind. Familys are still mourning the loss of their children. Resenting James’ parents with all of their being. That’s not exactly fair in my eyes. His parents had no way to know he was going to shoot up the school. They lost a child just like everyone else. My legs aches and I reach for the prescribed pain killers to numb my physical pain. The bottle is empty and I throw it across the room. It greets the wall with a light thud. I forced myself up and hobbled to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and clutched the sides of the sink. A tear fell into the empty basin and I looked at it with resentment. Why should I cry? I survived and was considered a hero for calling the police. But I didn’t want that! I wanted all those kids to come back. Even James, maybe if I was his friend he would still be alive along with the other innocent kids. He wouldn’t resent his peers for having what he didn’t, friendship. I let out a loud sob and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw, I saw life and I hated it. I swung at the mirror and was satisfied when cracks appeared all over “my” face. I destrotyed my mirror, blow after blow were delivered. My knuckles were covered in glass and blood crept down my hand and wrist. My mom barged into the bathroom and covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh, my poor baby.” I fell to my knees with the sounds of my sobs filling the bathroom. My mother sat down and pulled me into her own lap. She began smoothing my hair and letting me cry into her sweater. When I calmed down, I limped to my window and looked outside. I used to find beauty in the flower garden and the clouds. In the pretty little butterflys and the sweet bunnys hopping across the lawn. But now all I saw was bullets and kids running. All I heard was screams and my name leaving Jeremeys lips when he dove to save me. The click of a seatbelt makes me start, the excited screams of children makes me angry. The world was now ugly and would never be beautiful in my eyes again.