Dear M,

I miss you. It hurts all the time. School was always awful. But now it’s barely tolerable. It hurts so much, in a million different ways. It hurts when I walk through the halls and they all smile at me with pity, like they understand. They know I loved you, of course. How could they not? But they have no idea how much. It hurts not to see you waiting for me when I come out of class. I took that for granted. It kills me when I go to lunch and your chair is left empty, untouched. It’s like a monument in your memory; no one dares to sit there. Everyone knows that was your seat, right next to me. I look at it, daydreaming (I guess it would be called reminiscing now). I see you sitting there with all of us. We were such a tight group. I see the way you would sneak a wink in my direction, your adorable smiles lighting up every room. I will never feel you holding my hand under the table again. I will never even see you again….

This is all so unfair. You know God even plays tricks on me? I fall asleep crying every night. But the second I finally lose consciousness, he takes me right to you. It’s like a blessing, but it’s also a curse. I see everything about you perfectly. There are the bangs, hanging unevenly across your forehead. The little blue flecks across your green eyes that used to mesmerize me seem to glow. I see the cute freckles dotted along your nose. You used to hate those. Whenever you looked at yourself, you would only see the bad. You never realized how perfectly beautiful you were. My friends always said I didn’t know how lucky I was to have you, that you were the best boyfriend in the world. Trust me, I did. I loved you with all of me. Absolutely, positively, undoubtedly, and wholly. I. Loved. You. So I have these dreams now, and it’s bliss…until I wake up. You see, they’re so real, so vivid, that I start to think you’re still here. I start to forget. But I always wake up, and I lose you all over again.

The pain my heart endures is so hard to explain. It tears me apart, like there’s an ever-widening hole. I feel like it will never go away, like this hole will be there forever. Just like you were supposed to be. Remember? What happened? You were fine! I saw you! We said goodbye like we always do. I go, “See you later, alligator.” Then you say, “In a while, Cutie Pie.” We said it, you kissed me, and you walked away. That means you have to come back! “In a while.” It means you come back, it’s a promise. I just don’t understand…you were fine. You were perfect. Please, tell me why.

I told you not to go to soccer practice that day, it was just too cold. I told you. Sure, you were a part of the team, but you were part of my team, mine. Doesn’t that count too? I needed you more than they did! I still do. That’s even what I thought when I first heard. “I need him more, God, I need him more.” Nineteen-year-old boys don’t have heart attacks! They just don’t! Beautiful, young, artistic, athletic, smart, loving, nineteen-year-old boys do not collapse on cold soccer fields! They just can’t. Because what about us? What about the girls who love them? That can’t be right, there has to be some mistake.

We had one more year. It was agreed. After senior year, we would go to college together, and after that, we were going to get married. Everyone knew. Our parents even approved. Because we loved each other. We had it, and it was perfect. It was the kind of love people spend their lives looking for. Is that why you’re gone? Am I being punished? Were we not supposed to find each other so soon? Because that’s how it feels.

We were going to be so happy. I know we were. But now…I’m lost. I really don’t know where to go from here. It aches all the time, every inch of me. Whoever said time heals everything had no idea what the hell they were talking about. It takes everything I have left just to get out of bed in the morning, and at this point, I don’t see why I do. I go through the motions, do what’s expected, but now I’m thinking, for what? Just to miss you even more with every step I take? Why? I’m dying without you, a little more every day. So I sat down today, and started this letter. I’m thinking I’ll keep writing to you. This way I can pretend you’re not gone, you’re just away, and if I send these, they’ll go somewhere. They’ll find you. And for the first time in months, I feel a sliver of hope, coming through the pain like a ray of light in a dark room.

I have to go to bed now, I can’t type anymore. I will write again tomorrow.










I miss you.









I love you.









I always will.























~L