February 6, 2023

Dear Diary,

I don’t really know how to start this. I’ve seen in movies where people write, “Dear Diary” before starting their journaling for the day, so that’s what I’m doing. My therapist gave me this notebook and told me to try writing out how I’m feeling. I don’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger, so I guess this works. I don’t know how to open up to people. I guess I’ll get started by introducing myself. My name is Jenna, I’m 16, and I’m a junior in high school. The reason I started going to therapy is because I have been struggling immensely with anxiety and depression the last four months. It’s been a crazy ride so far. Until today, I hadn’t gone to school for almost two weeks. I feel like I can’t function well enough to go to school so I just don’t go. Eating anything makes me sick to my stomach.  My parents have been really worried about me so they decided (without telling me) that I needed to start therapy. So, here I am writing in this journal. Today I went to school for the first time since the 12th of February. It went okay but I have a lot of work to do, it’s all very stressful. A lot of my friends have offered to tutor me through everything that I missed so I think I’ll be okay. My day started out pretty good. I was anxious but not too terribly. Then I got into fourth period which is math. I have struggled with math a little bit the last two years so I immediately started getting really anxious when I walked in. I asked to go to the bathroom after sitting in class for about ten minutes. When I went to the bathroom I locked myself in the first available stall and broke down. Tears were pouring down my cheeks as I reached into my sweatshirt pocket to grab my phone. I called my mom and she picked up the phone on the third ring; she knew something was up. The first words that I hear come out of my mom’s mouth are “Are you okay?”. I knew I couldn’t go back home because I could not miss my other classes for another day. When I got home I went upstairs and took a nap. I was so ready for the day to be over; so much happened that I just needed to go off into my own world to forget about everything. Other than that I’d say today wasn’t too horrible. I just need to take the rest of the night to work on homework and relax. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Sincerely,

Jenna

February 19, 2023 

Dear Diary,

I started off my day on the wrong foot; I didn’t take my medicine, and it may or may not have been on purpose. When I don’t take my medicine in the morning I will have a migraine that lasts pretty much until I can get home to take it. My head was bursting with agonizing pain but that didn’t stop it from overthinking and sending me into a spiraling panic attack. Up until this point I had been doing much better. I hadn’t had a panic attack since last week and I was feeling pretty good. I felt normal for the first time since October. My life felt like it was going uphill, but little did I know I was on a roller coaster that slowly brings you to the top just to drop you straight back down. The down is the scariest part. You start to get excited before you reach it, but then you feel your heart drop to your knees. You want to get off the ride but you’re stuck; you’re strapped in with no way out. That roller coaster took me back down today. I felt my heart drop so far that I wasn’t so sure that it was even in my body anymore. On top of that, my parents were waiting for me at the front door to give me a lecture when I got home. They were very frustrated with me because they say, “We pay all of this money for a therapist that you refuse to talk to”. The whole time they were yelling at me all I’m thinking about is the fact that neither of them cared to ask me if therapy was something I wanted to do. They never once said, “Hey, we were thinking that maybe this would be good for you and we want to know your thoughts about it.” I didn’t get any of that. If they had asked me, I would have told them I will never open up to some random lady that I wouldn’t recognize if I saw her walking down the street. All I want is for them to listen to me for once in my life. Before they could even finish what they had to say I was running to my room and locking the door shut behind me. In that very moment reality hit me. I wasn’t going to magically be cured by seeing the doctor and getting some medicine. This isn’t like a cold where I take some medicine for a few days and then I’m fine. It could take months or even years for me to get better. Even if I do get better it could come back out of nowhere and I’m right back to where I started. I haven’t come out of my bedroom since the whole argument. I won’t unless I absolutely have to, or my mom makes me. For now all I want to do is sleep so I think I will.

Sincerely,

Jenna

March 4, 2023

Dear Diary,

Once again today was terrible. Mom is still mad at me. It’s actually gotten to the point where she only talks to me at dinner or when she wants me to do something. So I have to deal with my mad mom on top of having panic attacks every day again. Yesterday I actually had two before two in the afternoon. My mom doesn’t understand how much I need her right now. I know she’s mad at me but I don’t understand why she keeps ignoring me or acts like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I miss her so much and I see her every day. My dad doesn’t really care anymore. It doesn’t affect me as much because my dad and I aren’t as close as my mom and I, or as close as we were before a little over a week ago. I know that my mom won’t be mad for very long because she never is, but she has been mad for longer than I had thought. I have been trying to help her more around the house because I feel bad. It’s just hard to find the motivation to do anything. Sometimes my body feels almost numb and it takes every muscle in my body just for me to lift my head. Grabbing my water bottle from my dresser on the left side of my bed feels like gravity has tripled and it’s beating me further into my bed. It feels like not even the strongest man alive could overcome that pressure. The weight doesn’t just disappear after a few minutes, it is a constant feeling that can last anywhere from days to weeks. I feel incapable of doing anything. Living has been a chore recently. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take this feeling. Letting go and giving up seems like my only option sometimes, but I know it isn’t. I’m really trying, but it’s so hard. I feel lost. I have been talking to my therapist since I got into an argument with my parents. I’m also on two different anxiety and depression medicines but nothing seems to help me. I’m so tired of switching medicines and therapists all of the time so I’m just going to stick through it. I did tell my doctor and this new therapist about how I don’t like switching medicines all of the time. Both of them agreed that it is what is best for me and my situation. They told me they want to help me and they are doing the best they can to get me on the right combination of medicines. I’m tired, not the type of tired where I need to take a nap, but the type of tired where I need a break. I need a break from all of the craziness, anxiety and worries. I wish I could have a break, but I can’t. I have been really consistent when it comes to taking my medicine. I have noticed that with the sleeping medicine I am able to stay asleep all night, so that has been really good. Hopefully next week I’ll be back with better news.

-Sincerely,

Jenna

March 18, 2023

Dear Diary,

Today has been very good. I went to therapy and I’m really liking my newest therapist, her name is Cindy. She is my third therapist so far. She has helped me get more comfortable before she goes in hard on the questions. My first appointment with her, she was asking me about what I like to do outside of school and other things like that. She also asked me how going to therapy has affected me and if it has made me more depressed and anxious. Until I started going to her, I was scared to tell any of my other therapists that going to therapy makes me extremely anxious. She has asked me if there is anything that I think she can help me with. I feel understood and heard when I go to talk to her. She also listened to me about not wanting to take so many medications. She switched me from a daily medicine to one that is fast acting. I only have to take it when I’m having a panic attack or can’t sleep. I have been getting used to not taking medicine daily and I think it is less mentally draining for me. It is like a breath of fresh air. I no longer have to wake up in the morning on the hunt for a glass of water to help choke down a pill. It felt like every aspect of my life had to revolve around the little capsules that sit in a yellow bottle on my dresser. Taking those capsules determined whether or not I had a good day. They had full control of every part of my life, like I was a puppet. I finally took my scissors and cut the puppet strings. I am free from worrying about that bottle. I am free from feeling controlled by a little red pill. I am free from being trapped by a drug that is supposed to make me happy that somehow failed. I believe that going to Cindy has saved my life. I never feel like a burden when I go to talk to her about anything that I am going through. She helps me break down what I am feeling and why I am feeling those things. She always listens. I know that her job is to listen and help people with their problems, but when I talk to her I feel like I’m just talking to my friend. I feel understood for the first time in a very long time. She understands everything that I am telling her, and she always knows exactly what to say to help me. She is truly amazing at her job. I couldn’t imagine her being in any other profession. She has given me ways to cope and help control my own emotions. Mom actually sat in for one of my therapy sessions recently. While she was there we talked about how her and dad making me go to therapy really didn’t help me for the longest time. I told her that it made me feel like they didn’t want to help me and that they just wanted someone else to fix me. As those words were coming out of my mouth, tears started running one by one down moms face. I felt terrible for making her cry with the things I was saying. She told me that's not why she was crying. She was crying because she didn’t realize how much her effort to help me was actually hurting me more than anything. My mom never intended to hurt me worse than I already was. Getting the opportunity to know what she was thinking really helped me. She never considered me as a burden. All she wanted to do was help me get better. I am so incredibly grateful for my mom and dad. They never once gave up on me. When I needed space, they gave me space. They were supportive of me every step of the way (whether it felt like it or not). I’m happy to say that I am finally genuinely happy. 

Sincerely,

Jenna

March 30, 2023 

Dear Diary,

  At therapy today Cindy asked me to write in my journal about what I would like to tell myself  when I was struggling the most. So, if I could give advice to my past self I would say this; never think that no one would care if you weren’t here. There are so many people in your life that would have no idea what to do without you being here. You may feel like life could never get better, but it can and it will. It takes time but you will be okay and you will get through this. You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed in this world. Reach out for help. Find someone that you can trust to talk to; they can try to help you. You do not have to fight your battles on your own. Someone will always be willing to coach you through hard times. No matter how hard life gets, keep pushing forward. You may not think you’re strong enough to get through this, but trust me you can and you will. Never forget how important you are. If it wasn’t for this journal or the people that helped me get through this hard time, I would never have been able to make it through this. So, thank you diary for helping me. Thank you for giving me a place to pour my heart out to. Thank you for everything.

With much love,

Jenna