W A R N I N G- this story includes a graphic description of a rape and a sexual encounter. If you are underage or will be offended by this- please stop reading NOW.
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Goosebumps flew up my arms as Tyler began to unbutton the yellow dress shirt I was wearing. The shirt belonged to him, and had always been one of my favorites. His smell was everywhere around me: the shirt, the sheets, his chest. It was surrounding me. I looked down at my left hand and slid off my purity ring. I had worn the ring since I was 12 years old, but i knew what was about to happen, and I couldn't live a lie. It was a huge sacrifice, but Tyler was worth it. I looked into his deep grey eyes, waiting for them to tell me to relax, lay back, and let go. I closed my eyes and tried to do just that. I felt skin on skin, and his strong hands, warm on my back.
When I opened my eyes, Tyler's soft smile was gone. It had been replaced by a sinister grin. A peircing ice blue gaze took the place of warm grey. The hands were cold, rough, and digging into my skin.
"No, not again, please," I tried to whisper through the monster grip over my face. I looked away to the corner, and saw Tyler, just as I saw him everytime. Crouching, in nothing but those torn blue jeans that looked so sexy on him. His strong and confident demeanor that I knew so well was gone. A look of such terror came over his face and I felt the cool tip of the gun come to my temple. The iciness felt almost comforting as the hot, thick smell of booze breath engulfed me.
I continued to watch Tyler, hoping he would fix everything just like he always did. However, he was defenseless as a similar gun was raised to his head, and his jeans were unbuttoned by a second attacker. I knew what was about to happen. I wanted so badly to look away, but I couldn't. Tyler needed me to remain steady. He needed my eyes to follow his, in order to give him the slightest glimmer of hope. My gaze remained solid, though I cringed more and more at the sound of every sharp cry of pain coming from him. My boyfriend, my rock, my safe place. I'd never seen him cry until this moment. As his attacker finished, he kicked him to the side and sauntered to the spot where I remained.
"I'll never hurt you," he whispered in my ear.
Again, I felt whispers by my face. "I love you, baby, just relax." My memories and my reality melted together and I snapped.
"No! Stop! Get off! Help me! Someone!" I looked at Tyler's face and saw a look of confusion. Then, a knowing expression spread across his face in disappointment and realization. My heartbeat increased rapidly and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. Tyler slowly stepped off the bed as I looked down at my skin. I felt dirty, violated, invaded, and used.
"I need to get clean. I need... I need to... where's the...?"
"I know," he simply muttered. Tyler disappeared into his bathroom and I heard water running. He came back in and seemed to read my mind as he helped me off the bed and out of my clothes. I stepped into the shower and he left me to scrub my skin until it was red and raw. Left me to cleanse myself after being used like a filthy rag. I had to wash away the memories. As I slowly re-gained my judgement, I sat back in the tub, curled into a tight ball, and I just sat. I didn't care that hot water was splashing my face or that my skin burned from the rough scratching of the wash cloth. Flashbacks flooded my mind. The smells, strange feelings, and I still couldn't shake the sound of Tyler's rough cry in desperation. I finally reopened my eyes to see that beautiful face, standing with such an understanding. He carefully walked over, sat on the edge of the tub, and began rubbing my back with his hands. He did this until I became comfortable again, and sank back into him. Every curve of his body felt familiar and right. I closed my eyes as he began lifting me from the tub and wrapping my in a soft, warm towel. Yellow, my favorite. I was carried to his bed, where I fell back into the soft sheets that smelled just like him. I was home. Tyler removed his jeans and crawled into the bed in his boxers. I placed my head on that strong chest and tried to focus on the steadiness of his heartbeat, just like I always did everyime I had a flashback to the horrible night.
My mind shut off from the rest of the world. My entire body, my entire soul, was tense and trembling as he forced himself on me. Sharp pain hit me everywhere, and I felt blood running down my leg. "This isn't how it should feel," I thought. Tyler was careful and gentle, a far cry from the sloppy, rough mess this stranger had just put me through. Before he lifted the gun from my head, he whispered one last threat. As quickly as they had appeared, they were gone, leaving me exposed, violated on my own bed, and my boyfriend still cowering in the corner. He came to his senses and lept from his place to my side. He wrapped me in a forced, awkward hug.
"What do we do?" I slowly asked. Instead of answering, he broke down. First in quiet tears, which soon erupted into heavy, violent sobs.
As I came back to reality and pulled Tyler in a little closer, I realized that the flashbacks of that awful night would never leave me. Not ever.