ATTICUS

I can’t stand it. I can’t. She has no idea what she does to me, does she? When I drove by and saw Catalina lying there, I thought she was dead. So I pulled over. I had a good cry, thinking my only chance to redeem myself and apologize was wasted. When I felt her breath, and that sweet heart beat, I knew this was a sign. I have to redeem myself. But I don’t think she cares, I think I hurt her too much. I know I should have apologized, but I thought she hated me.

I turned my phone on and had 27 missed calls from Laurie. Oh god, I forgot about Laurie.

I dialed the phone and she picked up after the first ring and a half.

“Atticus, where the hell have you been? It’s 5 AM!” She sounded more annoyed than worried. It bothered me more than usual.

“I was at the hospital.” My tired words came out of my mouth more sly than I intended.

“Why?” ??“You don’t want to know why. It will make you mad.”??“Just f*ing tell me, Attie.”

“I hate when you call me that.”??“Tough s***, tell me!”

“Fine...I was at the hospital because I drove by Catalina on the side of the road, passed out, just been in a car crash.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, you have some nerve lying to your girlfriend.” ??“Dammit Laurie I’m not lying! Go to the hospital yourself to see, she’s there. I brought her there. Don’t worry though,” I was snarky, condescending and cold now. “she told me to leave. Didn’t want to see my face. You satisfied?”

Dead air.

“I’m sorry, Attie...”

“Good-bye.”
Sometimes I wonder why I date Laurie. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Cat and I were still together. I miss her a lot. The kind of missing that goes down to your bone, it makes you cold and wide awake. The kind of missing that makes you pay less attention in class because you’re wondering if she’s thinking about you, too, or if she hasn’t thought about you in months. The kind of missing thats more like wondering, “Do you miss me as much as I miss you?”

She kept her promise, and I commend her for that. She promised to stay out of my life, and she did. I haven’t heard from her since we broke up and I never expected to again, because I knew she wouldn’t want to hurt me anymore than she thought she had, and she had, but only slightly. Not as much as I hurt her. She is difficult. She is moody, and cold, and she has trouble with intimacy. She hates expressing her feelings even though she has many them, but I knew that already, and I ignored it. I chose to be selfish and expect too much out of her. We were unfair to each other. We acted like we hated each other, but thats because our love was so deep it turned into hate. That kind of love came with one-sided expectations, and one-sided unconditional love. I’m ashamed to say I had expectations, whereas she gave and gave to me and she never expected anything in return. She deserved so much more than what I gave her, but she stayed with me.