Dear God,

I’m praying and I’m not praying. I’m praying for those innocent people being killed in the Middle-East by the bombs from Gaza and Israel; I’m praying for all the wars; I’m praying for the homeless. I’m praying for everyone suffering, and I’m praying for the well-being of the people I love. I’m not praying because one girl on her knees isn’t going to change the world.

I believe and I don’t believe. I believe because I want to, I need to. I believe there is something that controls the good and evil, something that helps everything decent to win in the end. I believe because I follow the path of the majority. I don’t believe because there is no proof. I don’t believe because justice doesn’t exists, just the pure and hard truth. I don’t believe the truth because I don’t want to.

I’m sorry and I’m not sorry. I’m sorry for everything bad I’ve done; I’m sorry for all the people I’ve hurt. I’m sorry I’m not always compassionate and that I’ve done stupid things. I’m sorry that I don’t always try, and I’m sorry that I keep apologising, expecting Your forgiveness. I’m not sorry because I shouldn’t be asking for mercy to thin air; I’m not sorry because I’m proud of who I am. I’m not sorry because all my mistakes have created the person I am today.

I’m happy and I’m not happy. I’m happy I’m here; I’m happy I have access to fresh water, food and medical resources. I’m happy I have a good education; I’m happy I love my family and friends. I’m not happy because suffering exists and I can’t do anything about it. I’m not happy that in some parts of the world, women still can’t vote; I’m not happy that people die unnecessarily. I’m not happy because people still murder and abuse.

I smile and I don’t smile. I smile because I’m happy; I smile when someone makes me laugh; I smile because I see the people I love. I smile because life’s worth it; I have to live every second, because no-one knows how long I have left. I smile because I mean it. I don’t smile because I watch the news; I see the deaths and poverty and want to help. I don’t smile because I still witness tears that flow from innocent eyes; I don’t smile because there’s no-one to cheer me up.

I hope and I don’t hope. I hope because sometimes, that’s the only thing I have left. I hope that someday, everyone will get what they deserve; I hope that peace will restore humanity; I hope that everyone’s innocent until proven guilty. I don’t hope because one emotion will not change the bad; I don’t hope because I should always expect the worse. I don’t hope because I’ve forgotten what hope is.

I care and I don’t care. I care because I should, because it’s the right thing to do. I care because I’m compassionate and I want everyone to be as happy as possible. I care because I cannot stand to see tears, death or disease. I don’t care because why should I? I don’t care as it’s not my life; there’s nothing I can do. I don’t care because I’m selfish. I don’t care because it’s lost in the evil of humanity.

I wish and I don’t wish. I wish because it’s the only thing I can do, sending a silent prayer to those who need and deserve it. I wish everyone has the opportunities that people have wasted over the years; I wish that shooting stars were real. I wish for every forgotten fantasy that has been dreamt away. I don’t wish because they never come true, only in fairy tales. I don’t wish because this is reality; I don’t wish because I can’t afford to hope.

I’m thankful and I’m not thankful. I’m thankful that you listen, I’m not thankful because you never act.

Amen.