I don’t know any other way how to put this, but my mom’s a spy. She claims to teach teachers, how to be better teachers, but I don’t buy that. It’s impossible to buy it when she’s traveling to places like Dubai, Uzbekistan, and Moscow.

Not only does my mom travel to exotic places, but when she comes home, she usually has a limp. She claims it’s hard to sit on a plane for a long time, especially because of her knee and hip replacements, but every time I travel with her, she never has a limp. I think it’s because she’s busy crawling in air vents on her trips, spying on people like Putin.

My mom’s always tired when she comes home. She says it’s because of jetlag, but my hypothesis is that when she’s on her trips, she gets little sleep. I believe she’s up for seventy-two hours straight sometimes. You know for a fact that someone’s sleep deprived when they go to bed at seven and wake up at twelve. That’s sixteen hours of sleep, twice the amount of sleep an adult needs. That’s just unheard of.

At the end of the day, my mom can continue to lie about her job. I already know she’s a spy. Eventually she’ll admit it. I’ll just have to wait until she retires.