I sat by your bedside for hours not knowing if you could see me. Or hear me. But that didn’t matter then. All that mattered was holding your sickly hands and praying for your life. Of course I didn’t know then just how sick you were. I suppose I thought my prayers could bring you back to me. How selfish I was thinking only of my life without you. How could I go on without your laugh and funny sayings that pulled me through my worst days? We had a silent bond, you could see when I was at my worst, but you didn’t have to do anything but be there. I hope you knew I didn’t expect or want you to change one bit. All I wanted was your unspoken comfort, and the happiness you brought me from all your quirks and your wonderful personality. I was so selfish I didn’t even think about how the rest of the world would be without you. Or how it would be for you, to be gone. I suppose that that didn’t make sense to think about anyways.  I laid my head on your hands, gently woven into my own. I let my first real tear fall, I hadn’t wanted you to see me cry. I was so weak without you.  You were still here then, but I couldn’t hold it any longer. I hoped that our bond would allow me to cry as I sat with you. I hoped you would understand, that you wouldn’t mind having my salty tears all over your baby blue hospital gown. I could hear all the beeping machines that were keeping you from leaving my side. You had fought for so long, but your body wasn’t doing much of the fighting anymore. Part of me wanted to rip out all the tubes and wires, they made me so angry, but they were what were keeping you clinging to life. Stupidly enough I felt upset with you for giving up on yourself so soon, letting all these machines take over. Was it something that I had done; that made it easier for you to leave? It must have been. Selfish again. There were so many other more important people in your life than me, yet I thought about what I had done to cause this. My tears rolled down my cheek as I brought my head up to look at yours. You looked so pale and sick. Oxygen flowing through a tube in your nose, and your eyes mostly closed. I squeezed your hand tighter and almost laughed as I thought about how you would say you looked. If only you could see yourself now. I thought about how we became friends and how far we came in our friendship. You must have been thinking about it too because I saw your mouth turn up into a smile, though maybe my imagination was exaggerating. I looked at you with a small smile, my tears rolling down my cheeks some of them landing on my lips so I could just taste the salty droplets. And for the first time since I walked into your small hospital room, I saw you. Not the sick you, the real you. The one who had pulled me through the hardest times in my life and didn’t ask for anything in return. The one who helped me to believe all the positive things about me. I could almost hear you telling me a joke, and I pictured you doing our secret high five, so I did it too. Just then your eyes opened about halfway and my heart came into my throat with excitement. I said your name. I said hello to you. I thought you heard me asking you to fight, but what I should have said then was goodbye, one last time. I felt your hand go limp and my tears started flowing again as I watched your heart monitor go flat. I stood up and took a step towards the front of your bed. I kissed the top of your head, and gently closed your eyes for you as I whispered “Turpin” into your ear.