How could I not have realized it before now? How did I need you to actually ask me before I knew the answer myself? How could I have been so young, so naïve? How could I possibly think I was over you so fast?

I will not lie. I tried to get over you. I went on dates. I flirted mercilessly with your best friend, choosing him only because I knew you would see me doing it and think I had finally moved on. I do care for him, that much is true, but I am still much more attracted to you.

My heart still skips a beat when you are in my line of sight. I thought it was only lingering feelings, old habits trying to resurface. But I pushed them down. Or I tried to push them down. I never succeeded for long, but I still tried. I felt I was improving each time, but one more look from you, one more of your crooked smiles, and all my practice would go out the window.

I told you about my new infatuation. You approved, that much I saw. You said you would even help me. I thought this meant you knew he cared for me too, but perhaps it was really because you just didn’t want the burden of my love anymore. I wouldn’t have blamed you if that were true.

I tried to keep my lingering feelings a secret. But I couldn’t. I still laughed a little too hard. I still stole every second of every time we touched. I still tried to figure out when and where would be the best times to find on you so that we could talk just a little bit more. I hoped you would just think I was hoping you were with your friend, but my fake disappointment when I didn’t see him wasn’t enough to trick you.

You were smart. You were smart enough to voice your suspicions instead of trying to figure it out on your own. I am grateful you did that. I am glad you trust me enough, and feel comfortable enough just to come up and ask me. Even though when you did ask my heart almost stopped, I am still glad you asked.

To be honest, when you first asked me, I didn’t have an answer. I hadn’t thought about it in so long, I had assumed I was truly over you. But then I thought about it. I examined the facts. I thought about how I succumbed to you so easily. I pondered how my emotions took me on a roller coaster whenever we spoke. I inquired how easy it was to talk to you, and how I still thought of you as my best friend.

After that brief consideration, I realized what I had known all along. That I was no closer to being over you than I ever was. That I still had feelings for you that no one else could ever match, or could even come close to. I wouldn’t let them. The hold you have on me is too strong. You were my first love. And I’m not going to forget that.