Why do I love him? Why would he go out with me? Does he even love me? Or is he just playing me like so many has done before? All these questions but with no answers. Wow I hate life.
My friends hate him; my friends hate me, that’s what led me to do this. I look down at my cut up arm with guilt. It’s like a never ending spiral: emotional suffering, emotional overload, self harm, temporary relief, shame/guilt, emotional suffering ect. It goes on and on never letting me out.
Did he drive me to this? Did my so called friends drive me to do this? Who drove me to do this? I don’t do it for attention, you can tell that by how hard I try to keep it a secret, the cat never did it, and I never fell over. I did it myself, but you don’t just tell people that do you? You get labelled that way: freak, attention-seeker, emo. Sure I may be depressed and I may cut but I’m not emo. I’m a person, I live, I breathe, and I have a heartbeat and a pulse and a fake smile I wear every day. Just because of what I do does not mean you can label me.
But I love him so much; I would die for him, if only he saw that other than chase after a girl who doesn’t even like him. But with big boobs, plenty of makeup, a great singing voice what do I have against her? A personality maybe, a soul and a heart. Wait a minute, I don’t have a heart, he stole it, and will he keep it or throw it away? If he knew I did this then he would dump me for sure, and I don’t want that to happen, but I also don’t want this uncertainty all the time.
Who do I talk to? Who do I turn to? What do I do? How can I stop this? How do I fix this? Again, more questions with no answers.
I love him, but does he truly love me back?