The pain you inflicted upon me tore through my heart. It sliced through the cardiac muscle, and left a gaping hole where modest flames licked away at the surviving fibres. The hollowness was dizzying. And so began my life without you.

I had loved you for five whole years. I had loved you through every fight and every harsh word exchanged. I had loved you for the way you had a gentle smile that stained your face when you were around small children. I had loved you for every failure you stumbled upon. I had loved you for every successful moment you basked in. Yet, I always remained silent, allowing my love to be buried amidst a wave of insecurities and doubts. How could anyone as wonderful as you ever even contemplating loving someone like me?

Then that fatal night occurred. Wine’s spell had blurred our morality, and then with an intoxicating smirk, you leaned in. It was electric, like a spark being transmitted through my entire body. I knew it was forbidden, yet I craved for more. I continued to damn myself to this hell with continuous crashing of lips, yet images would flicker in my mind back to your girlfriend’s innocent face. I imagined her unknowingly sitting at home, flicking aimlessly through television channels; studying her phone. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself. I became instantly addicted, my salvation from your sickening charm was beyond hope.

Yet, sadness stirred within me whilst we embraced. This moment consolidating five years of waiting, five years of agonizing loneliness. This moment was the moment of my great love, yet for you, it was merely another sadistic conquest. That’s why I knew it had to stop. Through my ragged breathing, I told you how much this meant to me, and you watched me with cautious eyes. You seemed taken aback by my confession, and your words sunk into my skin like shattered glass fragments. You asked me why I had never said anything; you demanded to know why I remained quiet.

My stomach lurched within me, and my heart began to ache. I felt tears of frustration sting my eyes, as I naively believed your words implying sincere love and affection. When I think back on that night, that instance was the one that hurt me the most. I cannot believe you would be so cruel as to manipulate my emotions in such a contorted way, provide me with a false implication that our love had potential to blossom, yet it wilted due to my silence.

Still, this fact isn’t the worst among this transfixing car crash of a romance. It’s the fact that I still love you. Through all the chaos that ensued following that night, I still envision you as my first love. I seem unable to let you go, I clutch onto you like a life raft among the sea of troubles in my life. I have to let you go. Even if I sink to the bottom, I cannot keep clutching onto the concept that you have the capacity to be a good man again.

I have to let go. For the fear of holding on and losing any semblance of sanity is just too great.

Goodbye.