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The sun was finally rising and I was there to watch it rise. The bloody red faded into pink, the pink faded to orange. Usually something as beautiful as this would be amazing to me, but today I just stare blankly out my window. It’s over, even before I can fully wake up my mind is filled with the thought, it’s over. I’ll never be held in his strong arms again. Never feel his warm lips pressed against mine. Never hear him whisper I love you, so many things I’ll miss. So many memories I hold that are going to burden me and I’m not sure yet whether to regret it all or not. He’s the reason I know love. He’s the reason for the smile on my face the last few months. Yet, he’s the reason I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. He’s the reason I lay here watching such wonderful thing with lifeless eyes. I’m not sure how to feel, and this is just the very beginning of the day.
My fingers meet my neck as if by instinct to find his necklace. The beloved Virgin Mary I’ve been carrying around since that cold November day. The little piece of him I carried with me always, as if to show I was his, or was his. The words hurt even in my mind. Feeling around my skin for it I remember the anger I had had last night and crawled out of bed. I remember ripping it off of me and throwing it across the room. In the faint sunlight I see the little silver piece of metal glinting in the corner next to my dresser. I retrieve it and feeling the cold texture beneath my fingers triggers a hundred memories at once. Me and him together in the woods, sneaking kisses as we threw leaves at each other. One had got caught in my hair and as he gently took it out he had kissed my forehead. Then slowly my cheek, down to my neck, then finally right on the Virgin Mary. After that memory flew by the one of him handing me the necklace came to mind. He had put it on me himself and whispered, “You’re not allowed to ever take it off. You’re mine always.”
I clamp my eyes shut and curl up in a ball right on the floor. There’s no where I can hide, when I close my eyes he’s there. Him and that beautiful face, beautiful smile, everything. I’m not sure how much a heart can take before it literally breaks but mine aches so badly I think I’m going to be sick. I pull myself tighter, gripping onto my legs. The rough rope tying the necklace together digs into my clenched fist. There’s nothing left to do but cry, so I do.
I’m not sure when the tears stopped but I didn’t hear my family moving around downstairs so it must still be pretty early. Slowly I lift myself from the floor and lifelessly dress myself. I’m not even sure what I put on, I don’t even care anymore, and all I know is that I want to go outside. Now. I can’t have this with me anymore. I told him he could have it back, why should I keep it with me? I silently make my way downstairs and open the door. I don’t feel myself doing any of these things but I must be because I’m suddenly outside standing in the middle of the road. No cars pass by, no neighbor cats meow, not even a car alarm in the distance. It must be around five a.m. and I am completely alone.
Just staring away to no where I fall to my knees on the wet ground; it must have rained last night. I could care less. Unclenching my hand I watch the necklace fall to the ground. I need to realize it’s not a part of me anymore. It’s just a piece of jewelry sitting in the middle of the road. It doesn’t hold the memories, I do.
Behind me is the sound of running feet. Pit, pat, pit, pat. He always was a fast runner, light on his feet. They gradually slow as they grow closer. As he realizes there’s a girl in the middle of the road, one who probably looks like a mess right now. One who’s heart he’s completely broken. I look up and feel as if a dagger were just thrust at me. It just seems so wrong to see him standing there in front of me, a picture of perfection. Even from here I can see his dark eyes, I can imagine the emerald green lines flashing. What an evil twist of fate that we show up here at the same time.
To my surprise he doesn’t turn and run the other direction. Instead he walks toward me and falls beside me. I can hear his deep breathes and possibly even tears.
“I understand if you can’t believe me or don’t want to hear it, but I am truly sorry.”
The sound of his voice is like a poison.
“You’re right,” I say and stand up. “I don’t want to hear it. It kills me to not have you but you know what, if you’d really cared you would have never done anything to hurt me.”
“People make mistakes,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, they do Carter, but everything you’ve said, wasn’t a mistake. It was reality, and if that’s who you really are I don’t want you anymore. Sorry doesn’t change a thing, it wasn’t exactly sorry you were saying when you were breaking my heart.” I kicked the necklace at his knees and turned and walked away. My hands shook, my head was spinning and my stomach lurched but there was something inside of me that kept me going. Kept me from doing the easy thing and jumping into his arms, forgiving him for all his wrongs. Someone stronger inside of me knew that the pain would end, a new day would begin, and something greater would come along one day. Plus there was something oh so satisfying about leaving him alone in the middle of the street. I think tonight I’ll pray for his misery, I wonder if it’d be wrong to be that selfish. Oh well, not like I was ever that religious in the first place.
Here I am again making my way to the train tracks, my sanctuary. I remember wishing I could leave this town and find new places to go, but right now no other place could make me feel better. No other place would feel like home. I cut through my little dirt path on the side of the road and I’m there. Almost feeling as though I’m back to normal. I balance on the hard outer railing, feeling as though I’m back to the beginning of summer. And I know I’m going to be okay.