I was shaking, quite a lot actually. You see, I dated this guy a few years ago, and I broke it off because I thought there was something better out there, but I was wrong. I was terribly wrong, because I do truly love him. Then he moved on, got married, and was happy, while I stayed a single working lady.

Recently he got a divorce, and I can't say I'm happy, because that would make me a horrible person, but I wasn't the saddest person ever when I got the news. Yeah okay, I was a little happy. Now though, I'm nervous.

His name is Jude, but most people call him Raven. He tours the world is this kickass rock band with millions of screaming teen girls after them. They're kinda a big deal, and to think, I knew them since they were just an opening act. I'm still on good terms with one of our mutual friends and his fellow band mate, Ash, and who invited me to tonight's show.

Now you probably understand why I'm nervous. He mailed me a backstage pass a few weeks ago, and asked me to show up early so he could see me before all the partying chaos ensues. So, I was parking at the venue. It was about one, and meet and greet won't even start for another two hours. This was the time Ash asked me to come, but in hindsight, I should have realized that it meant I would be alone, in their dressing room, for two f***ing hours. Save me, save me please.



I walked into the venue, seeing Matt. He's been with the band a while, but he's a pig. I can't stand him, however he'll show me the way, so I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Matt walked me back to the dressing room, where pretty boy instantly attacked me. By 'attacked', I mean did the whole "being drunk and getting way too close" spiel. He threw his arm around my shoulders, saying, "See, Cas, THIS is a woman." He laughed, then turned to hug me. "Hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"

I giggled. "I know! I miss partying with you!"

"Ah, those were good times. C'mon, have a drink!" He said as he walked to the cooler.

"Ash, you know I don't drink anymore." I painfully admitted, seeing Raven was just out of the corner of my eye.

He kept getting ready and tried to ignore me. After what happened, I got kinda... scared out of drinking. It's in the past now though. I know he's changed.

"At least take a Pepsi or something?" He sweetly asked, offering the can to me. "Please?"

I sighed and grabbed it from him, then looked around the room quickly. "Where's Jake?"

"Him and Jayce went out to the bus to grab the left over pizza. They'll be back soon-ish, I think." A voice, I assumed the guy Ash was talking to earlier, said. "I'm Cas, by the way."

Cas offered his hand, and I went to shake it and introduce myself, but I felt two arms tackle me. "London!" Jake happily greeted. "Dude, I've missed you!"

"Jake... I... I can't b-breath..." I muttered.

"Oh, sorry." He smiled as he let go. "How have you been?"

"Good," I lied. "You?"

What was I going to say? Yeah, Jake, I've been horribly lonely and went through a bunch of shitty relationships, pretty much gave up on life...

He looked at me as if he was taken off guard, but tried to act like it was nothing. "Um, I got engaged, the band has been doing pretty good, so I guess I'm good."

"Congrats, dude! That's amazing!" I grinned.

"Yeah... uh, you want some three day old pizza? You know, 'cause we're so f***ing classy." Jake joked as he moved to the box sitting on the table.

"Don't bother." Ash interrupted. "I had to guilt her into taking a Pepsi."

Jake laughed. "Same old, London."




It was an awkward few hours of talking to everyone but Raven. I'm pretty sure he didn't even look at me once, the entire afternoon. They had to go do meet and greets, sound check, and all that jazz, so I got to wonder a bit and hang with Jesse, their merch guy.

The show was great, as always, but I could tell Raven was off tonight. He even missed a note in his favorite song, Gold Heart, which is practically unheard of for him. He could be on his death bed, and he wouldn't screw that up. I'm very worried about him now, and practically became a dog waiting for his master as I stood just off stage.

Ash was first off, then Jayce. Jake followed, smiling at me as he passed. I watched Cas do his whole bit with throwing the drum sticks and playing around with the audience, then he came back, covered in sweat.

I grabbed his arm gently, and he turned around to look at me. "Where's Raven?"

"I think... he... he went off the other... wing." Cas panted. "He didn't look... too well."

"Thanks." I replied, then practically ran through the whole backstage looking for him.

I eventually crashed into Ash, who was still drunk. He's always a sweetheart, almost like a big brother to me, so I didn't mind.

"You look like you've seen a ghost! What's wrong?" He asked.

"I, um, I can't find Raven, and he looked really sick. I'm worried about him." I admitted.

"I noticed that too." Ash replied. "He went back to the hotel. I'm sharing a room with him, so why don't you give me a few minutes and I'll take you?"

I agreed and waited patiently for him to grab his stuff, then we headed to the hotel. The whole drive I was nervous. Raven could be in serious trouble. I mean, he did not look good on that stage. My poor ba- damn it! He's not mine anymore, but I always want him to be. I still catch myself referring to him as mine, when he's not.

Sometimes I feel like he never was. I'm starting to forget all the little things, like the way he smiles, the sound of his voice, the way he kisses me so gently.

"London, we're here!" Ash said, pulling me back to reality. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah." I replied.

He looked at me warily, but I ignored it and just got out of the taxi. We walked up to the room in silence, and he told me to wait while he checked on Raven, mostly to make sure he was decent. It's not like I haven't seen him nude before.

I heard talking, particularly the line "I don't want to see her because she broke my heart even worse than my ex-wife."

Great, I should just leave. I began to go for the door, but Ash's voice stopped me. "London, don't leave! I know he said somethings that you might have heard, but I've been there before. He just needs to actually see your face, see your smile, and he'll come around."

I sighed as I turned to face him. "Ash, he doesn't want me. He never did."

He got his frustrated look. I've come very accustom to that look. It meant he was stuck, but he wasn't about to give up. Finally he grinned at me and grabbed my wrist. Ash unwillingly yanked me into the bedroom and shut the door behind me. I am so going to f***ing kill him for that one.

After getting my footing again, I looked up through my messy hair to see Raven just as shocked as me. We were both struck a little speechless, and it was pretty f***ing awkward to say the least. I took a hard swallow, scared to look into his eyes.

I heard him take a deep breath, then in two seconds he came close to me; very, very close. I could feel his warm, whiskey breath, then he... kissed me. I could taste the liquor on his lips, but I didn't care. Without even thinking, I kissed back.

Raven quickly pulled away, then got a little flustered, "I-I'm sorry. I just... I forgot what you felt like, and I had to remind myself, and... wait. Y-you... you kissed me back?"

"...I... I did. I did, I kissed you back and I liked it." I sharply admitted, then put my hands over my mouth in shock of what I just said.

His beautiful blue eyes went wide. Raven slowly took my hands off my face, and kissed me again. As he pulled away, I smiled, hearing the door open.

We both turned our heads to see Cas, Jesse, and Ashley standing in the doorway. The other two were whistling and joking while Ash gave me that damn cunning smile of his.

"Told you." He mumbled, then started to push the others out of the room.

"What was that all about?" Raven asked.

"You don't wanna know." I giggled.

"You're right." He responded. "I don't, but I do know, I still love you, London."

I was taken off guard, then smiled. "I love you too."

Raven grinned ear to ear as he pulled me into a kiss again. This time he deepened the kiss by placing his hands on me, and making me finally feel complete again.