Everyday is different with you. One day, you’ll be so happy and so loveable, while the next day I may only get a few words out of you. Some days I want to cry and scream for some attention from you (and some days I do find myself doing that), but then there are days where I feel like I’m the only person in your world.

What you don’t see are all the tears I cry waiting for you. You only catch half of them. I spend all of my time waiting for you. If it’s not waiting for you to be done with school, it’s for you to come home, or for all of this to be over. What you don’t see are all the hours I spend lying in my bed or sitting in class thinking about how I can make your life better. What you don’t see is the help I’m trying to provide to you. I’m trying to be there and help, but you don’t seem to notice it.

I try my hardest not to be selfish for your sake. I have always put you first, and I always will. You tell me that I shouldn’t do this; that you never asked me to do this. Why can’t you see that I do this because I love you? I love you more than anything, and I would do anything for you.

As I write this, I realize I said all of this last night. I don’t know if you listened to it then, but here I hope you read and understand what I have to say. You’re worth more than everything in this world to me. You’re the reason I wake up happy in the mornings, and why I try to be the best person I can. You’re the reason I’m not selfish and I take pride in the person I’m becoming with you.

I know I have a long ways to go still. I’m still working on my patience and trying to understand it all. What I wish you knew was this: this may be hard for you, but it’s hard for me too. You left me and I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for you to just leave with no word for two weeks. The worst part was that I knew that was going to happen but I still wasn’t okay. I wasn’t ready to be this military girlfriend who was expected to be perfect and ready for an engagement just like that. I wasn’t ready to be stereotyped into that role.

It’s been about 10 months since then. I still haven’t adjusted completely. I still need you next to me, joking around about stupid things I did or you did. Instead, I wait till almost midnight to talk to you; to just see how your day went. I’m trying. I’ve been trying and I just need you to see that.

I want to know that you do care about me. I need to know that when I’m trying to help, that I’m making a difference. I don’t care if it’s small. I just want to know I’m doing something good and I’m not just making the situation worse. I want to know that I’m the right person for you and the right person to help, because some days I feel like you’d be happier with someone else; someone who can make you happy and make a difference in your life.

I want to be that one person you turn to when everything goes to hell. I want to be there for you, as long as you let me. When you shut me out and treat me like my opinion or my words don’t matter, I feel even worse. I feel helpless. Most girls in my situation don’t have to deal with the depression. They know how to make their boyfriends happy despite the distance, yet here I am, feeling helpless and alone.

I know this is hard for you, but it’s not easy for me. It’s not easy to sit here and think of ways to make you happy and understand that you’re important. When you left, I wasn’t given an instruction manual on how to deal with all of this. I wasn’t told what to do incase you became depressed and I wasn’t told what to do when the distant felt like it was too much to deal with. I have to just make all of this up and figure it out on my own. I’m alone in this. I have no one who knows what this is like. At least you have people who had to leave home and are in the same situations as you. Where am I supposed to find the help I’m looking for? I have blogs and websites, but those women have husbands who are happy and not depressed. I’m just a girlfriend who is clueless and lost and who just needs to know she’s doing an okay job.

I feel alone all the time. I have days when I just want to break and let everything go away because I don’t know what else to say to you without sounding repetitive. I don’t know what you need and want me to say. I sit there feeling useless because no matter what I say, you seem to be stuck in your groove. I don’t know how to get you out and bring back the boy I know. You know which one I’m talking about right? The one who sends cute messages to me in the middle of the night, the one who is happy and loves to joke around about everything. You told me one morning that you were still there. That somewhere inside, that part I love so much was still there. When I brought it up later, you didn’t remember that conversation due to it being early in the morning, and I was brought back to that place of waiting for that part of you to return.

I’m always waiting. I always will be waiting till you have come back to me. I don’t care if it’s physically or mentally. I miss you. I don’t just miss you physically, but I miss the you who was so sweet and perfect to me. I miss the part of you who would come over at midnight and kiss me in the back of a truck. I miss the part of you who would text me all of those amazing messages in the middle of the night. Sometimes though, I feel like I should stop missing that part of you and just accept the fact that it’s not like that anymore.

I guess you’ve changed a lot, and maybe so have I. I think this whole experience has made us both stronger, or maybe it’s made us weaker. I’m not sure. I can’t tell if I’m wearing this suit of armor and underneath is a weak substance of a person who can be hurt easily as soon as my armor is punctured. I don’t know. I wish I could tell you the type of people we are now. I wish I could figure us out. I wish you knew how badly I’m hurting just missing you and waiting for you to come back. I wish you knew how badly I love you.