How Many Does It Take?

The day is April 6, 2024. Today marks the ten-year anniversary of this horrible, pointless war. This day, anticipated for decades, was the foretold end. This half-century debate was supposed to come to a close at noon, but sadly, that time has long passed. The American president, Russian czar, queen of England, Chinese president, North Korean dictator, and the Canadian prime minister all stand in a circle, staring intensely at one another. The room is circular with a huge supercomputer sitting at the north side. Many of the lights have burned out, leaving a dark, dramatic effect on the room. Each leader is accompanied by 20 of their favorite protectors. Behind the American president stand 20 secret servicemen standing as expressionless as they can possibly muster. They do not appear armed at first glance, but everyone knows that would be a foolish move in such a hostile situation. The Russian czar stands guarded by his miniature army of twenty military men, equipped with their fur hats and thick jackets. The queen stands pompously, in the most formal manner she can possibly bear in such a dramatic moment; her group of 20 protectors stand at attention in straight, orderly lines, wearing their red coats and black tricornes. The front two men hold a drum and a flute. The Chinese president sternly stares into each president's eyes. He appears to be alone, but all leaders have been informed by their respective organizations that there are various heat signatures spread across the room, obviously belonging to ninjas. The North Korean dictator is only accompanied by two other men holding onto a panel with a large red button. They have made it clear to the rest of the room that that the button is the control to a massive nuclear bomb, set to clear the entire earth except North Korea. Every leader in the room seems to ignore Kim Jong-Un, as these threats have become a regular event that never ends with an explosion. Lastly, the Canadian prime minister stands with a friendly smile at his face. Behind him stands a mass of 20 large men, wearing skates, pads, helmets, and Canucks jerseys. All members of the Canuck hockey team appear eager for some kind of action.

The leaders stare motionlessly. The tension can be cut with a knife. No leader dares move or speak, in fear of startling someone else. Finally the American president speaks.“It is time; we must embrace the future and deploy operation truth.”

“I highly advise against this,” stated the Chinese president, “The world is not ready to know.”

“What can it possibly hurt, eh?” asked the Canadian prime minister. “The people have the right to know, eh.”

“Think of the consequences of your actions!” scolded Kate, the queen of Britain. “People will be disappointed at the outcome and who knows what will happen?”

“Can it possibly be worse than the pointless war we’ve been fighting for ten whole years?” shouted Vladimir who was becoming frustrated with the group.
"All of you stop now!" bellowed President Obama. “It no longer matters what you want to happen, I will be running this program and informing the world!”
“People will riot at this information!” shouted Queen Kate.
“It is time, anyone who opposes this operation speak now,” said President Obama.
“I cannot let this operation happen,” said the Chinese president.
“Neither can I,” stated Queen Kate.
“The great nation of North Korea stands against your decision,” stated Kim Jong-Un.
“Then America, Russia, and Canada will be forced to finish this alone,” stated President Obama, “We end this now!”
On this command the secret service pushes President Obama to the back of the circular room. All the protectors act quickly. Queen Kate is hidden as her redcoats pull their muskets forward and form a firing line. Many ninjas seem to suddenly appear around the Chinese president. The two North Korean men start swearing to everyone in the building that they will press the button. Instead of protecting Vladimir, the Russian Army is quickly joined by him, and are ready to fight. Lastly the Canadian prime minister is guarded by the Canucks team, as they put down a line of hockey pucks.
At this point the inevitable battle happened. The secret service, redcoats, and Russians began firing at their enemies, the Chinese ninjas began spinning with a flurry of katanas and throwing weapons, the Canuck hockey team started sending row after row of slap shots at the others while checking anyone that dares come near them. Over by one of the walls sat the two North Koreans yelling at everyone that they are not afraid of setting off their nuke and need to be taken seriously.

One can only imagine what could possibly bring the world to such turmoil. What could bring these civilized men of politics to such a primitive battle? To answer that question we need to return to the very beginning of the largest war in human history.

The date is Sunday, April 6, 2014. Spring has finally sprung in the Midwest. The families of this area have finally been blessed with a warm day, and everyone is tired from attempting to cram as much activity as they can into a single day. As the first day of spring cleaning comes to an end, millions of households gather in their living room to watch television, while some kids frantically write English papers, due the next day.

The next words will forever haunt humanity. Everyone’s eyes lay glued to their television set, nothing abnormal here. The show takes a commercial break, like every show does. A vacuum is momentarily advertised. Most regular people have pulled their cellular devices at this point. Some want to update their social networks, some want to play a brief game of Angry Birds to kill the time, and some want to look at internet jokes. Finally a familiar childhood voice is recognized; everyone pauses their games, closes their internet tabs, and exits their social media. The following words will change every possible aspect of life for the next ten years, so simple, yet so complexing.
“How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”
Across each household families had discussions, some became arguments, some escalated into much, much worse. Families became torn apart. Gangs were formed, the 30-lick-gang, the 45-lick-gang, etc. Each country made a public statement on their most mathematical guess on licks. Scientists got involved. Countries began to criticize the United States of America, believing that their estimates were much better than ours. Imagine the cold war, only with every country competing, except in this cold war there’s actual fighting.
The U.S. began to make budget cuts in every economic area in an attempt to fund this war of science, but eventually total war broke out. The United States of America no longer funded a single thing except this silly, stupid war.
Years passed, and the war was beginning to settle, until the U.S. made a huge announcement. They had finished their prized software, the final end to this awful war, the final proof that America was the true national power. The release date was set; the answer would be released in a small amount of time, until tragedy struck. The North Koreans, sneaky as they always are, stole the prized software and all trace of it ever existing. The war efforts shifted to finding that software. Rumors flew, the British seized it, now the Chinese, no the Canadians have it.
Eventually the Russians admitted they held the software and they want the major world leaders to meet and discuss what is to be done with it. Each leader is only allowed 20 protectors, and must be willing to discuss in a civil manner.
Now, we return back to the present. The remaining protectors include, the four secret servicemen, a single Russian military man, the entire Canuck team, and the two North Korean bomb technicians, only because nobody took them seriously. All of the leaders remain unharmed. It is time to make the final decision.
“Are there any remaining parties that wish to turn back?” asked Obama.
None of the leaders answered, Obama walked up casually to the giant supercomputer in the room. No member says a word as he approaches the large red button clearly labeled, “Run”.
He pauses for a moment, unable to believe that this will finally be the end, that everyone will be safe, that the answer to the decade long question is at his fingertips. He quickly presses the button. Various lights illuminate and a multitude of beeps emit from the machine. Finally it stops and the room is calm. The computer seems to settle after a moment, steam emits from almost every processor. A printer beside the computer begins printing and spits a piece of paper onto the ground, face down. All members of the room stare blankly at the page, fearing the knowledge that is held on that insignificant sheet of paper.
Queen Kate walks in the middle of the room and picks up the paper. “Fourty-two” She says with dignity.
“That’s it?” asked the Chinese President, “That's what we’ve been fighting for?”
“Ten years,” said Vladimir, “Ten years we’ve been fighting, all for this. All of this suffering for fourty-two. Can this possibly be worth the suffering of millions? We’ve become so focused on proving that our nation is the best that we became blind to the things that we were committing.”
“We can never let this information leave this room,” stated the Canadian prime minister, “People can never know that they sacrificed so much for so little.”
Even decades in the future no civilians are aware of the truth. The days after this event were filled with false news reports of faulty computing and the inability to process such a huge question. No one has became aware of the truth, except the major world leaders, four secret servicemen, two Korean bomb technicians, and the Canuck hockey team. The information died with them.