CORPSE CREW

John Laurens: Hey

how much do you remember about US history

Aaron Burr (You): it’s 2 am

goto sleep

John Laurens: it’s important

Aaron Burr (You): it really isnt

___

When he got to work, there was a radio turned on to the news. It was early enough that only Laurens had arrived yet, and strangely enough, the radio hadn’t been blaring music. Stranger still, John had been listening intently to the news before Burr had walked in.

“Elections aren’t for another few months, John,” Burr called out, taking off his coat. John hummed in response, then motioned for a bone saw.

“Am I really the only one who wants to figure this out?” He called out over the whir of machinery. Burr panicked for a brief second, then pulled the oldest trick in the book.

“Figure what out?” He asked, expertly feigning ‘polite interest’ and semi boredom.

“You planning on winning an Oscar with that act, Burr? I want to figure out what the hell is up with the corpses.”

Apparently not expertly enough.

“We work in a morgue, Laurens. You’ll need to be more specific about those corpses.”

“The ones that have you terrified of opening the next body bag, cause you think your face’ll be staring back up at you.”

“Fine,” he conceded. “And the Ohio caucus results are going to help solve that.”

He regretted his comment immediately when John’s eyes brightened at his words. “No,” he started off, already ready to go into an Alexander-worthy speech, “but don’t you think it’s really strange that there isn’t any public knowledge on the founding of America? I spent years learning about Europe, there are year-long courses about each country individually, but what do we know about the founding of America? Screw-all. I don’t even know when it happened!”

“July 4, 1776,” Burr answered promptly. John steamrolled over him.

“And then, a few days ago, I heard about this guy. Real loud fellow, helped America declare its freedom from England. Wanna know his name?”

John paused, and it took long enough that Burr thought he had to answer. “I’m not humouring-”

“Alexander Hamilton. His name is Alexander Hamilton.”

_____

Best of Wives and Best of Women: my sister would like to inform you
get your ass down to our house
or they’re kicking you out of the family

Alexander Hamilton (You): would this be smol sister or tol sister

Best of Wives and Best of Women: tol

Alexander Hamilton (You): thought so

CORPSE CREW

Laurens: hey has anyone ever heard of a guy called John Adams
Hunkulese: who the hell is that
it’s way too early for this
why do you do these things
Lafayette (You): who is john adams
Laurens: hes the second president of the us
Hamilson: no hes the barista at the starbucks on first and main
Hunkulese: ? why do you know this
for that matter
why are you all awake???
Hamilson: tjeffs waxes poetic about him every monday
i go out of my way not to go to that tsarbucks
Laurens: tsarbucks
Lafayette (You): tsarbucks
Hunkulese: tsarbucks
Burrmese: it’s three in the morning go back to sleep
Lafayette (You): killjoy

Hunkulese has removed Burrmese from CORPSE CREW

Hamilson: thank you
Laurens: the evil is vanquished
Laurens: and then there were four.

____

CORPSE CREW

Laurens has added Burrmese to CORPSE CREW

Hamilson: nooooooo
Lafayette (You): nooooo
Laurens: shut up i’m conspiracy theorising
and burr can’t tell me to do it later
it's 5 pm
Burrmese: ON A SUNDAY
actually you know what
fair enough
Laurens: OKAY so basically i found a guy who apparently founded America and he also fought a ton of people and was a little problematic s*** and guess what his name was.
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Hamilson: should i be offended
i feel like i should get ready to be offended
Hunkulese: NOOO my company charges per texts over the character limit
i don’t need u running up my bill with your goddamn essays
DONT YOUR THUMBS GET TIRED
Laurens: ANYWAYS the guy was big on fighting and if this seems super on the nose, THATS BECAUSE IT IS anyways where was i
Lafayette (You): alex was helping found America
Laurens: OH YEAH
basically the guy was the right hand of the president during the war
guess who the first president of the us was
Burrmese: Washington, right?
Laurens: EXACTLY
and DONT WE KNOW A WASHINGTON
HUH
HUH????
Burrmese: It’s a common last name
Laurens: THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
GEORGE WASHINGTON
AND HIS RIGHT HAND
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
this is not a coincidence guys
Hamilson: are you implying that the lieutenant and I are hundreds of years old because
you are wrong
also neither of us are white
i know i majored in science
but im pretty sure america was founded by white people
what with the slavery thing and all
Hunkulese: ALEX
PHONE PLAN REMEMBER
NO IMPASSIONED SPEECHES
Laurens: anyways NO i’m not implying that alex is three hundred years old
Hamilson: i look good for three hundred
Laurens: what i’m trying to say is
these are really huge coincidences
Lafayette (You): two people share names with historical figures.
Laurens: historical figures who founded the country we live in
which should have taken up at least a year of middle school social studies
but i had to find this out through the TWO links wikipedia gave me
what even is the occidental college
Burrmese: you are very dedicated to this conspiracy theory
Laurens: I FORGOT THE BEST PART
you know how white hamilton died?
he dueled a man named AARON BURR!!!!!
Hamilson: okay yes that sounds like me
why did white burr agree
Burrmese: leave me out of this
Laurens: the source was unclear as s*** but i think u backed jefferson instead of him?
Hamilson: that sounds less like me
Hunkulese: why tf is tjeffs in this
is he why our government doesn't work?
Laurens: hes the third POTUS
Hamilson: ok that’s it
i’m looking up all of the presidents
if herc is the fourth im out
hey was i a president
well
Laurens: no
Hamilson: was white me a president
oh
that sucks for white me
or herc
who were you addressing
Laurens: both of you
also why the hell don’t we know the first presidents that seems kind of IMPORTANT
Lafayette (You): yeah u kinda mentioned
five times
Hunkulese: four
Lafayette (You): w/e
Laurens: NO ITS A SERIOUS THING
dont u french ppl know ur history
Lafayette (You): idk i never payed attention in class
Hunkulese: you rebel
Lafayette (You): all i know is that we went around cutting people’s heads off for a while and now there’s a famous musical about it
Laurens: That seems like something embarrassing that a government might want to cover up
maybe thats what america did
thats why we dont know our history
they covered it up
Hamilson: they better have if white me backed /jefferson/
Burrmese: why are we conspiracy theorising about american history
we should be working
Laurens: IT HAS TO DO WITH WORK
Hunkulese: how the F*** does this have to do with work
Lafayette (You): dead things?
Laurens: you know phillip rensselaer
well white hamilton had a son named phillip
and u remember george motier
white lafayette named his son george washington after the POTUS guy
and basically i went through all this
u should be super thankful to me this s*** is OBSCURE
anyways everbody that looked like a relative shared names with people related to our white people counterparts
guys?
guys nobody interrupted me through nine texts in a row that’s a new record
i dropped a motherfucking bomb here what the f*** guys

______

John Laurens (You): yo
yo
i need a favor
alex
alexaaaaander
alleeeeeeeeexxxxxx
alex
alex
alex
hambone: not now

John Laurens (You): dude
that is the shortest thing you’ve probably ever said
one text
two words
i’m screenshotting
hambone: i’m at the schuylers
i can’t do this now
John Laurens (You): daaaaaammmnnn
how are the in-laws
say hi to peggy for me
also this won’t take long
hambone: shut up i’m arguing with angelica over wealth versus income tax
i can’t afford distractions

CORPSE CREW

You have renamed this chat “what time is it”,

baguette has renamed this chat “SHOWTIME”

John Laurens (You): [Attachment: 3 images]
f*** you guys
i have proof
baguette: you have search results from the second page of google
herc: i think that’s the third
John Laurens (You): DOES IT MATTER
assflab: google isn’t a source on it’s own, laurens
John Laurens (You): f*** off i’m not academically sourcing this s***
herc: i’m on john’s side now
cause burr’s against it
baguette: same
hambone: same
assflab: how do i remove myself from this group chat
baguette: youc ant
one of us needs to do it
herc: ONE OF US
ONE OF US
baguette: ONE OF US
assflab: i need a drink.

_______

hambone: eliza wants me to go upstate with her for the summer
stay at her dad’s place
how do i break it to her
baguette: break what to her???
assflab: please leave.
hambone: f*** u burr
i can’t leave my job
i’m on probation as it is
assflab: you threw a liver at det. jefferson
hambone: HE DESERVED IT
assflab: the liver belonged to a recently eviscerated drunk
nobody deserves that
hambone: you’re right
that poor man
good thing he wasn’t using it anymore.
assflab: i cant tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you genuinely believe that the feelings of a dead man come before the living
herc: anybody comes before tjeffs
baguette: break what to her????
i’m so confused
herc: alex can’t leave his job or he’ll get fired
eliza doesn’t know he’s on probation
probably because it’s such a dumb and immature reason
hambone: no she knows
she started laughing when she found out
but she thinks i shouldn’t be a coroner anyways?
assflab: well, you are a born politician
hambone: of all the things you’ve ever said to me
that is the most insulting
anyways i don’t have any qualifications and i REALLY can’t go back to school so idk what she expects me to do?
assflab: well, ben carson was a neurosurgeon and now he runs for president
hambone: i take it back
THAT was the most insulting
herc: can you imagine alex as our president
baguette: i scared a stray cat laughing so hard at that
hambone: i’d be a fine president
assflab: you’d cause a national incident
John Laurens (You): i can just imagine it
“President Hamilton writes open letter to leaders of Europe: ‘Suck my Dick’”
herc: ey welcome back laurens
John Laurens (You): unlike you lazy asses i’m actually working
HERC I SEE YOU TEXTING ME
WE ARE TWO FEET AWAY
PICK UP THE DAMN SCALPEL AND HELP ME
baguette: isn’t there a rule about texting and autopsying and the same time
herc: why the f*** would there be a rule about that
assflab: why isn’t there a rule about that
hambone: he’s got a point
it was probably invented for us
John Laurens (You): i can’t stand this betrayal
i thought you were my friend alex
but now
herc: i swear to god if you pull a star wars quote on me
John Laurens (You): YOU WERE MY BROTHER ANAKIN
hambone: i’m disowning you
friend-disowning you
wait gtg
baguette: angelica?
hambone: that woman is terrifying to the core

THE SISTERS SCHUYLER

Tequila: eliza your husband is yelling
ANGELica: that’s not new
Tequila: in spanish
Eliza Schuyler (You): that is new
Tequila: i don’t think he knows i know spanish
this is actually really funny
ANGELica: he’s ruining your innocence isn’t he
Tequila: i don’t know who he’s yelling at
what does he have against their mother’s grave
or horses
Eliza Schuyler (You): i’ll get him

Laurenciaga: okay
first order of business
i ditched work
im at the library of congress
Hercules Mulligan (You): laurens
what the hell
why must you keep doing this to us
why are u even THERE
Laurenciaga: i’m in the thomas jefferson building
it makes my skin CRAWL
okay so this is REALLY weird
basically all information about american history is completely open to the public
i had to do almost nothing to get names and s*** it was just a few clicks on the next page of google
Hercules Mulligan (You): you sinner
Laurenciaga: yes anyways it’s not openly discouraged to pursue american history??? but instead it’s just… apathy? it’s apathy. nobody CAREs aout american history so it’s not a thing???
also dude. the names thing.
Hercules Mulligan (You): if the government wants to hide our founding fathers from us would they REALLY? name buildings n s*** after them?
Laurenciaga: be honest.
when was the last time you actually payed attention to who a building is dedicated to
Hercules Mulligan (You): point taken.
Laurenciaga: anyways there’s also Madison and Adams building.
the adams building is closed to anyone who doesn’t have an ID
for what i have no idea
i just snuck in the back
Hercules Mulligan (You): YOU WHAT NOW
Laurenciaga: i need answers
gtg my phone is off now

You have changed Laurenciaga’s name to Nick Cage

Hercules Mulligan (You): WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
john?
john!
please be okay
you f***ing idiot

_____

SHOWTIME

You have renamed this chat "Corpse Crew"
HAMilton: hey where tf is laurens
burr had to go home
and we need a third person or else washington yells at us
Hercules Mulligan (You): why’d he go home?
eiffeltower: you mean washington will yell at everyone but you
HAMilton: ?
Hercules Mulligan (You): ur his favourite, bro.
and laurens also had to leave
i can come to work tho
whyd he leave?
HAMilton: girl named Theodosia Alston
she drowned
suspected murder
looks exactly like burr
especially the eyes
Hercules Mulligan (You): damn
that’s terrible
and also kind of why laurens isn’t here
he’s investigating
Burr-sir: too scared to see his face on a corpse?
HAMilton: that’s dark.
and rude.
also how?
Hercules Mulligan (You): he may have broken into a secret wing of the Library of Congress
it’s called the Adams building?
i can’t find it on the official website!?!?
[Attachments: 2]
SEE?
HAMilton: why do thomas and james get buildings but not me?
Burr-sir: now who’s being rude?
eiffeltower: how did he break in? That’s illegal?
IS HE OKAY
????
Hercules Mulligan (You): i guess they don’t care so much?
idk he said he jumped a window and then he turned his phone off???
I AM SO WORRIED
[Attachment: 1]
“I need answers” f*** outta here with that vagueass bullshit he better be okay
eiffeltower: later
rn we need someone to cover for burr
guess ur up herc
Burr-sir: i can come back in
HAMilton: you threw up
if u try to come back to work
i will physically fight you
Burr-sir: oh no
you’re like five feet tall
i’m so scared
HAMilton: THEMS FIGHTING WORDS
also the idea that height has ANYHTING to do with aNYHTIg is ridiculous
Hercules Mulligan (You): here we go
HAMilton: and PROBABLY based in patriarchal expectations of height establishing dominance
Burr-sir: no it’s not
that’s ridiculous
HAMilton: oh FINALLY he has an opinion on something
and how is it ridiculous?
the idea that height is sought after is based on archaic ‘protector’ archetypes
because those perceived to be bigger could protect their women
but in today’s day and age
women hardly need protection
and it’s misogynistic to believe that
Burr-sir: first of all i’mma stop you right there
those are a lot of flimsy chain links u got there
it’s not misogynistic to make fun of your height
you just want to be able to slap a buzzword on me to discredit me
HAMilton: i dont need to ‘slap a buzzword on you’ to discredit you
you do it your own damn self
Hercules Mulligan (You): OOOOOOOOOOH
GET REKT
Burr-sir: who’s side are you on?!!
HAMilton: and i’m not saying youre misogynistic
Hercules Mulligan (You): i’m on nobody’s side i just want this to be over
HAMilton: im saying that the insult you are attempting to use on me
is rooted in patriarchy and misogyny
eiffeltower: is nobody else worried for john
HAMilton: he’ll be fine
it’s not the MOSt illegal thing he’s ever done
that happened in college
eiffeltower: do i want to know
Hercules Mulligan (You): no
HAMilton: probably not
Burr-sir: no.
eiffeltower: wait, Burr went to college with you guys too?
i feel so left out, man
Hercules Mulligan (You): thats what u get for being french
eiffeltower: BURR, though
really guys
really?
Burr-sir: should i be offended
Hercules Mulligan (You): no
that’s Alex’s job
HAMilton: HEY
Hercules Mulligan (You): see
alex’s job
HAMilton: FIGHT ME
Hercules Mulligan: we’ve been over this
HAMilton: not you too
Burr-sir: see
mulligan’s on my side
HAMilton: okay
really
mulligan?
youd abandon me in my time of need
Hercules Mulligan (You): do not guilt me
not over this s***
not today
HAMilton: YOUD BACK BURR
OVER ME
i am so guilting you over this
it’s gonna be your turn to get starbucks
and you’re gonna protest
and i’m gonna bring this up like
you don’t get to talk
you backed up burr
over me
your buddy
Hercules Mulligan (You): CHILL
HAMilton: your pal
eiffeltower: alex doesn’t know what chill is
HAMilton: YOU TOO GILBERT???
i am being betrayed at all angles
i’m like julius ceaser
e tu laf????
Burr-sir: stick to macbeth
HAMilton: oh i’ll tell you where to stick macbeth
wait
that came out a little wrong
eiffeltower: its okay
i think aaron’s fine with that
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
HAMilton: laf no
Burr-sir: he’s not my type
HAMilton: WHAT THE FUCJ
BURR
HOW AM I NOT YOUR TYPE
I’M EVERYONES TYPE
Burr-sir: you are really not
Hercules Mulligan (You): DAMMMMNNNN
REKT
HAMilton: oh i will f***ing fight you
i’ll prove it to you
i am totally your type
eiffeltower: are we in bad fanfiction
this sounds like bad fanfiction
Hercules Mulligan (You): shhh
you’re hurting the author’s feelings
and i wanna see how this ends up
HAMilton: you’re gonna get f***ing hamilwrecked
wait
s***
that also came out wrong
Burr-sir: did u just say hamilwrecked
i am leaving this non-existent relationship
eiffeltower: okay
but seriously
i cannot be the only one worried for john
HAMilton: gilbert
my guy
let me tell u how these things usually play out
there are two things that end up happening
one
the cops get called
Hercules Mulligan (You): always fun
HAMilton: and we gotta bail him out
herc don’t interrupt
anyways
two
Hercules Mulligan (You): f*** u i do what i want
HAMilton: he shows up
and we get a story
and life goes on
Burr-sir: deep
HAMilton: f*** yes i am
Burr-sir: that was sarcasm
HAMilton: and that was denial
eiffeltower: you realize how alarming this is
why am i never invited to these illegal hangouts
Nick Cage: HOLY S*** GUYS
182 MESSAGES
RELAX
CHILL
I WAS GONE FOR AN HOUR
Hercules Mulligan (You): damn son
you got hamilwrecked
eiffeltower: JOHN
YOU SCARED ALL OF US
Hercules Mulligan (You): just laf
eiffeltower: YOU DIDN’T CALL
DIDN’T WRITE
Nick Cage: chill
i had fun
it was enlightening
i almost got caught twice
i’ll tell u all about it

ANGELica: ok
Run it by me one more time
Why exactly are you not coming with us???
Alexander Hamilton (You): i need to help with this case AND i'm on probation
ANGELica: alex
there are FOUR OTHER CORONERS AT THAT STATON
*station
AND I CHECKED you AREN'T on probation for 'assaulting det. jefferson' bc it was your first offense
YOU LIAR
You can take a break for ONCE in your LIFE
Alex
alex i see u typing
this will be fun
Alexander Hamilton (You): okay first of all i have taken breaks before and working a lot is a sign that they can trust me and therefore i have good JOB SECURITY and can provide for Eliza AND i do not put my job over her and i can provide perfectly well for her besides i need to keep in good standing with my job because Eliza might need to go on maternity leave really soon so really i’m just thinking ahead SO HAH
ANGELica: there is no way u typed that in a minute
do you have that copy and pasted somewhere
I bet you do and you trot it out eerytime someone questions you
*everytime
WAIT
WHY WOULD ELIZA NEED TO GO ON MATERNITY LEAVE???
Alexander Hamilton (You): s***.
____________
Alexander Hamilton (You): okay i love your sister
you know that right?
Best of Wives and Best of Women: oh no
where is this going
It’s not going anywhere good is it
Alexander Hamilton (You): i may or may not have told her you were pregnant
Best of Wives and Best of Women: oh thank god
I told her before you anyways
Alexander Hamilton (You): wait what
She acted so surprised
Wtf
Best of Wives and Best of Women: you should know her by now
she lives for messing with people
Alexander Hamilton (You): i’ve decided i like peggy better
_____________
Sir-Burr: so, about the ongoing investigation
that wouldn’t happen to be /you/ who broke into thomas jefferson’s files?
Alexander Hamilton (You): s***
yes
how the hell did he find out???
Sir-Burr: you realise how anal he is about his notes right
also you are admitting to semi-illegal things disturbingly fast
Alexander Hamilton (You): did you miss john breaking into a federal building
literally anything i do will pale in comparison to that
i’m so mad
Sir-Burr: i regret the day i met all of you
Alexander Hamilton (You): that’s not what you said in college ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Sir-Burr: WOW OKAY
BACK TO YOUR ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES
Alexander Hamilton (You): no no no
dont deny the gay
embrace it
Sir-Burr: this is not RENT
ANYWAYS alex what the f***
Alexander Hamilton (You): it’s a little personal ok
Sir-Burr: is it about your mom
Alexander Hamilton (You): NO
Maybe
Okay yes
Sir-Burr: could u please let it go
Alexander Hamilton (You): she’s my MOM
I’m telling u she was murdered
Sir-Burr: AND I’M SAYING SHE WASN’T
Literally EVERYONE is telling u she wasn’t
Alexander Hamilton (You): burr
i love you almost as much as eliza
but seriously
dont get in the way
if you can’t trust me then i dont need you
Sir-Burr: ALEX
ALEX LISTEN TO ME

You have deleted this conversation

_________

Madison: I don’t think he suspects anything.
Thomas Jefferson (You): madison my guy
there is a building named after me
i am never getting over this
a F***IN BUILDING
oh F*** YEAH
Madison: Det. Jefferson, please focus.
Thomas Jefferson (You): right right
what we gotta do
have you found maria reynolds yet?
Madison: I have located James Reynolds. It is almost summer, and I am confident history will repeat itself.
Thomas Jefferson (You): F*** YEAH
what you said
also john laurens may become a problem
Madison: He is inconsequential- according to history, he dies soon anyways.

Jefferson, Thomas: oooooh this is even better than i thought it would be
Maria reynolds, THE Maria reynolds, works with hamilton’s wife!
This is going to be sooooo good
James Madison (You): Would you like to switch targets?
Jefferson, Thomas: OH HELL NO
Hamilton’s mine, b****.
James Madison (You): Of course.
Washington believes I’m sick, you?
Jefferson, Thomas: only benefit of working with hamilton
easier to stalk the guy
i’m just watching the caemras
he does nothing interesting they’re just yelling at each other while opening up a guy’s chest cavity
gross, by the way
James Madison (You): Yes, well, Maria Reynolds is leaving her place of residence.

CORPSE CREW
John Laurens (You): GUYS I JOINED A RESEARCH TEAM
hambone: what the hell
assflab: what kind of research team?
herc: i’m with alex
what the hell
John Laurens (You): shut up
herc: alex is here
that’s not happening
John Laurens (You): do none of u guys care about the EXTREME coincidences surrounding people a few hundred years ago WITH OUR EXACT NAMES
WHO LOOK LIKE US
AND HAVE CHILDREN AND RELATIVES WITH SIMILAR NAMES TO CORPSES WHO LOOK LIKE US
hambone: HEY i can shut up
And what’s the problem with talking a lot anyways i have A Lot to say
assflab: wait but wouldn’t the corpses look like our white counterparts?
John Laurens (You): AH but here’s the thing
REIGN CARNATIONS
wait
f***
*reincarnation
herc: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
John Laurens (You): Shut up
ok so i joined a research team of people who care about us history and it turns out that the documents i stole are biographies! Anyways i took anything with what looks like our names on it so i hope we have enough information
baguette: you stole what now
herc: i knew there was a reason you were nick cage in my phone
John Laurens (You): ok cryptic advice time
ALEX: no affairs.
with anyone!!!!
It will be a problem
Say no to it
BURR: no shooting people. Also DO have an affair u wont regret it.
assflab: about that affair thing…
herc: oh no way
John Laurens (You): LAFAYETTE: no aiding another country in a revolution because life in jail is awful
Wait
Burr
What the f***
hambone: eliza and i have an open marriage…
and he’s not BAD looking
baguette: WAIT WHAT
herc: actually now that i think about it it would work
baguette: did it start of as hate-sex??? Was it fun hatesex??? Is burr actually good in bed???
assflab: lafayette no
And yes, alexander and i have…. a personal relationship as well
hambone: we f*** every sunday
It’s super punctual i think he has unaddressed issues with catholicism
herc: wasn’t your grandfather a preacher
assflab: can we not talk about my sex habits and their relation to religion
yes it started as hate-sex, no i don’t have daddy issues, and my relationship with religion is fine
herc: ur an atheist
hambone: grandfather issues in this case
assflab: please shut up. all of you.
John Laurens (You): ok i’m gonna ignore all those revelations from close friends
because a) what the f*** and b) holy s***
anyways there’s two other guys named samuel seabury and charles lee
they’ve been helping me
hambone: lmaoooooo i know lee
he’s a little b****
herc: didn’t you fight seabury
hambone: oh yeaaaaah
lmao
your research buddies are weak ass nerds
John Laurens (You): do you want to figure this s*** out or no

______________

Alexander Hamilton (You): ok first things first
what do you know about my mother?
Laurens: i’m sorry man
she got sick and you survived but not her
No foul play involved
Alexander Hamilton (You): so history doesn’t always repeat itself?
Laurens: i know you hate it but? Maybe she wasn’t actually murdered?
Alexander Hamilton (You): laurens, i like you a lot
But you’re not right
Laurens: Hurricane Katrina was chaotic
it's completely possible that she died in the middle
Alexander Hamilton (You): you don't need to tell me that
i was there
and i'm telling you
she was murdered
like you said it was chaotic. it was the perfect cover and her death wasn't an accident.

you have deleted this conversation

______
ANGELica: so, you're sure you can't come?
Alexander Hamilton (You): i'm so, so sorry
but no.
i can't
ANGELica: alex, i've come all the way from london
Alexander Hamilton (You): and i respect that! i do! but something at work has come up
and i really can't go
but eliza and the kids are going so there's that?
ANGELica: fine
eliza still has a plus one, though
i think she's taking a coworker, who will probably be a much better conversationalist than you
Alexander Hamilton (You): not falling for it
i'm not falling for it
who's the coworker?
ANGELica: you'd know if you CAME with us
____

Samuel Seabury: Mr. Laurens, do you believe in destiny?
John Laurens (You): i mean… i guess? there are a few things i can think of
maybe not destiny i guess?
kind of like…
i was given this life for a reason, but i chose what to do with it?
idk that's a p loaded question
Charles Lee: How utterly incoherent
John Laurens (You): stfu lee, go suck a c***
Samuel Seabury: Gentlemen, please don't fight.
I was referring to the way our lives seem to mirror that of our historical counterparts in so many ways
John Laurens (You): yeah but there's differences, u know?
i'm a coroner, not a war hero.
i think… i think i'm not quite the same person as the original john laurens. i grew up different. i'm close. but i'm not the same.
Charles Lee: I believe we were born with the same basic traits, but chose what to do with them in different ways
John Laurens (You): stfu lee, that was literally EXACTLY what i jsut said

_____

Jefferson, Thomas: okay okay HAMILTON STOLE MY F***IN REPORT
that f***in skank
James Madison (You): That's what you wanted him to do, Det. Jefferson.
Jefferson, Thomas: right, STILL
F*** HIM
anyways any luck with Maria?
James Madison (You): She's texting someone, and smiling.
Oh, she's getting up to leave.
I don't think she's texting Mr. Reynolds, but I could be wrong. She seems happy to be talking to them, however, and she has no reason to fake anything in public.
Jefferson, Thomas: doesn't matter
history repeats itself, remember?
_____

Maria Reynolds: is your husband REALLY okay with this?
cause like i'm not gonna judge if you're cheating on him
i'm cheating on mine
he's an asshole tho
Elizabeth Schuyler (You): chill out
we have an open marriage, it's fine
Maria Reynolds: seriously???
that's amazing
Elizabeth Schuyler (You): honestly it's the best idea we've ever had
i'd love to introduce you two sometime
Maria Reynolds: is he going upstate with us?
Elizabeth Schuyler (You): sadly, no
he's a stubborn asshole, and has "work" to do
instead ur gonna meet my sisters and that's like seven times better
probably eight

CORPSE CREW
Hunkulese: u know what's so weird to me?
Lafayette (You): ?
Hunkluese: tjeff's name is thomas
like? i always knew this?
but at the same time i've only ever called him tjeffs
or jefferson, in a voice of utmost disgust.
Burrmese: just disgust?
Hamilson: is that AN OPINION I HEAR
OUT OF BURR'S MOUTH???
nooooo
no way
Burrmese: holy s*** alex pls chill
Lafayette (You): damn going for your boyfriend alex?
that's cold
Burrmese: WOULD YOU PLEASE LET THAT GO
Hunkulese: dude how tf did we not know about you two???
we will never let this go
YOU GUYS HATED EACH OTHER
Hamilson: rivals to friends to lovers?
Burrmese: please never describe us as lovers ever again
Hamilson: will do.
Lafayette (You): what happened to "he's not my type?"
also what happened to burr's opinionless state?
Hunkulese: i asked him if he liked pickles on hamburgers once
he said "no comment"
Burrmese: go back to work
____
Thomas Jefferson (You): dude dude dude
do you believe in destiny
Madison: I suppose it would be ridiculous to not believe in it. I am a reincarnation of a founding father, after all.
Thomas Jefferson (You): i gotta beat those little s***s
it’s my destiny
the thomas jefferson before me did it
so i gotta do it too
Madison: That’s why you’re so obsessed with Hamilton?
Thomas Jefferson (You): I AM NOT OBSESSED
but yes
we were all reincarnated together for a reason
Madison: I find that there are very rarely reasons for how the universe works.
Thomas Jefferson (You): Deep
wrong
but deep
_____
Laurens: dude, u need to LEt Go
Alexander Hamilton (You): NO
Laurens: look all i’m saying is the reports could be faked
oh s***
ur not trying to find an emoji, are you
Alexander Hamilton (You): and all i’m saying is that they aren’t, because Jefferson was going to turn it in, and you doubting me is making me start to doubt this friendship. just because there’s no historical precedent doesn’t mean it’s not true. The real hamilton wasn’t a coroner, he was a politician. The real hamilton wasn’t polyamorous, or from new orleans, or anything at all like me. we’re different people, with different lives.
Laurens: fine
i respect that
Alexander Hamilton (You): now are u gonna help me find James Reynolds or not?
_____
Maria Reynolds <3: um is ur husband short and angry and named Alexander Hamilton?
Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton (You): … yes
what is he doing now
is it stupid
please save him he’s an idiot
Maria Reynolds <3: he’s yelling at james?
something about a guy named “peter lytton”?
Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton (You): i think that’s his cousin
who both shot and stabbed himself in the chest
about ten years ago
alex what the f***?
Maria Reynolds <3: he’s accusing james of killing him?
s***
i hope he doesn’t see me
james was really angry about the “going upstate” thing
Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton (You): WHAT
MARIA
Maria Reynolds <3: please please please don’t tell
it’s okay
Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton (You): welp alex texted me
he saw you already
____
husbando: hey eliza we’re having a guest over for dinner
Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton (You): is it maria? she’s great. punch her husband for me.
____
Jefferson, Thomas: OHH OHH HOHHO
A.ham is leaving the residence with ONE MISS MARIA REYNOLDS
reynolds pamphlet F*** YEAH
ok ok shadowing them now
damn how long does it take to get to his apartment
James Madison (You): might i suggest getting your camera out?
Jefferson, Thomas: you might
ok ok fiiinally
wait
that’s not how it’s supposed to go.
James Madison (You): Thomas, you must remember that I’m not actually there.
Jefferson, Thomas: SHE JUST KISSED HIS WIFE
that was out of left field???
WHAT
HAMILTON IS JUST STADNIGN THERE YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU
I FRONY OF YIO
what

Jefferson, Thomas: ok ok we can work around this, right?
destiny trumps all man
come on
i gotta win
i always win
thats how history goes
i can’t
i didn’t do all this just to los eNOW
to a f***in whore
NO
James Madison (You): Calm down sir.
Jefferson, Thomas: B**** NO
the f*** u talking abotu “calm down” like we don’t have plans falling apatr
James Madison (You): Like you said we can work around this.
Hamilton still believes that Reynolds was involved in his mother and cousin’s deaths.
lmao i can’t keep doing this
Jefferson, Thomas: what?
mads?
madison???
James Madison added 212-246-0155 to the conversation
212-246-0155: morning, gents
it’s laffayete
also, that’s not madison, that’s mulligan
James Madison (You): lmao yup i stole madison's phone while he was at work it's been me since maria got into the car with alex
ms. reynolds is on her way home.
and YOU are on ur way to jaiiiiil
F*** YEAH
Jefferson, Thomas: what?
James Madison (You): wait give me a second
You have changed Jefferson, Thomas’s name to Dickhead
ok so guess what you aint the only one with an ALLIANCE
212-246-0155: lmao
James Madison (You): let’s review
you took a false police report
submitted it and created an open case
and that’s, my friend, is grounds for obstruction of justice!
hamilton and burr used to be lawyers, you know.
Dickhead: WHAT

____
Laurens: you know, i think i finally understand why this whole reincarnation business was covered up.
Alexander Hamilton (You): ?
Laurens: jefferson didn’t have any reason to oppose you this time around, did he? you guys barely knew each other.
i guess reincarnated lives are kind of like a do-over, then?
Alexander Hamilton (You): so why cover it up? i want to be able to know if i’m about to screw up
Laurens: well, that’s the idea?
you’re still your own person
you’re not quite the historical alexander hamilton
maybe?
maybe that’s why jefferson did everyhting?
he went a long way for this
faked your mother’s murder, connected your cousin’s suicide to reynolds?
but he didn’t even know you
he didn’t think that you’d go to friends for help
because the hamilton he thinks he knows isn’t you
he’s holding a grudge on a person who doesn’t exist anymore.
hell, that’s not even really his grudge

alex?
are you there?
Alexander Hamilton (You): yeah
still here
i think you’re probably right.
________

CORPSE CREW

herc: isn’t it weird how everyone here turned out to be a reincarnation?
baguette: isn’t it weird how everyone here turned out to be gay?
herc: touche.
_______

THE SCHUYLER SISTERS

Tequila: i can’t believe my sister has a personal harem in her house and didn’t tell us all about it
ANGELica: You adn me both, man
*And
Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler (You): GUYS
maria is staying with us due to legal complications and her trial
she’s emotionally exhausted.
and we’re good people
who are giving her a place to stay
ANGELica: AND you have all of your friends over
Tequila: why does all the interesting drama happen when we’re upstate?
ANGELica: why is our sister so bad at keeping us updated
Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler (You): GUYS

THE HOUSE OF CARDS

Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler (You): alex please get the milk we’re running out
husbando: AT WORK
CAN’T TALK
OR TEXT
OR DO ANYTHING
hello this is burr, alex is currently occupied with the scalpels
Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler (You): oh, great
he needs to get like three jugs of milk cause we’re running out
also probably some more bread
husbando: alright i’m back and livers are disgusting
i’m on it
Maria Reynolds <3: my trial is tomorrow
Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler (You): add hostess twinkies to the list
husbando: waaaay ahead of you

Someone asked Maria Reynolds, long after it was all over, if she thought she was a bad wife. They probably meant in regards to her ex-husband, whom she never saw again. He still has nine years of his ten year sentence to serve, the asshole.

But Maria didn’t think of him. She thought of a different woman, with bright eyes and a charming smile, with a sharp wit and a mind for planning. She thought of Eliza Hamilton-Schuyler, and said “yes.”
_
“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
_
Jefferson and Madison faced thirty-five years in jail, for obstructing justice and planning first degree murder. They are rarely visited, mostly by a Mr. Aaron Burr, who could have been like them, lifetimes ago.
_
“Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
_
Our heroes still work in their precinct, IDing bodies and solving crimes. Now, they understand more about the world around them. Now, they don’t flinch when they see their features stare up at them from the operating table.

They carry on, as best as they can. Their lives have changed, and only time will tell if for the better.
_
“We would like to live as we once lived, but history will not permit it.”
_
The Hamilton-Schuyler-and-Others household is a flurry of motion in the mornings.

“Eliza, dear, have you seen my lesson plans?”
“ALEX! Where is your phone, it keeps buzzing and I can’t find it!”
“Maria, watch the coffee!”

As always.

“Your lessons plans are on the counter, near the sink.”
“My phone’s in your purse, Eliza. The one on your shoulder!”
“How old is this coffee, exactly?”

“Hey, who’s the one on the couch? They’re asleep.”
“If they’re still sleeping, it’s Laurens. He’s the only one who can ignore this mess.”
“Don’t wake him up! I think he has a hangover.”

“Ugh, too late.”
“Eliza!”
“COMING!”

All's well that ends well.