I’ve cried four times in my life. Heavy choked sobs. The first time was when I was raped. The second time was when my parents were murdered. My story starts three years later. I was nineteen when I met Jeremy.

“Rose? Why are you so sad? Baby I love you...I’m not going to hurt you...”

Miller was grazing my thigh as I woke up. The same dream, every night. I rolled over to face my wooden bedside table and grabbed my dinky nokia. 4:02AM, the clock read. I sat up in bed and held my head in my hands.

“I should tell Callie.” I thought.

But I knew I never would. I finally got out of bed to get ready. It was the same routine every morning. Shower, uniform, hair, and out the door by 4:30. I really hated my job at the diner. It was one of three jobs I had worked and was not the worst of them, but I hated people too much to be up that early serving them their food and pretending like I give a s***. It was way too much effort. After I was ready I stood in the cracked mirror in our small dark bathroom. My long dirty blonde hair was tied into a low bun, and my speckled skin looked darker than usual. I looked at my dark blue eyes. They looked so dull, lifeless almost. I checked my nokia again, 4:22. I was ahead of schedule. I snuck into Callie’s room; she was passed out no doubt from her night of heavy partying and hookups with guys she didn’t know. I made my way over to her dresser and grabbed what seemed to be mascara. It had been so long since I used makeup I had forgotten what it looked like. I put on the mascara and looked back into the mirror. My eyes instantly looked brighter. I was probably looking into the mirror for a good five minutes before I decided to take it off. I never wanted anyone to look at me the way he looked at me that day, never. I grabbed an apple on the way out and was just about to leave when I remembered to put Callie’s mascara back. I tiptoed back into her room and took a long hard look at her. Her perfectly bouncy chestnut curls covered her huge eyes. Her long pink t-shirt was fluorescent against her dark skin. She was so beautiful, even though she didn’t know it. I brushed the hair out of her eyes and checked my nokia once again. 4:32 AM, I was late.

“Hey Crill.” I waved as I walked past the grill.

He mumbled his usual nonsense back. I put my stuff in the back, clocked in, and made my way back to the register. Crill’s Grill was a very retro diner. There were vinyl seats, mini jukeboxes at every booth, and you could order breakfast all day long. The door clanged and I knew it could only be one person, Joe, Crill’s twenty-four year old son. Joe liked me, I could tell. He was perfect. Charming, smart, and very handsome, everything a girl could want. It had been three years since it happened and I still couldn’t think of anyone that way. Joe sauntered over to me

“Hey Ryan, loving this weather?” He asked with a wink.

It was raining this morning; I absolutely despised the rain.

“Oh yeah Joe.” I said as I chuckled.

I was resistant to his other wise alluring charm. Joe made his way to the back as I checked the clock on the wall, 5:04. We had officially opened for business. I walked over to the door and pulled on the cord hanging from the neon sign that read OPEN in red and blue. The door opened and the usual customers started filing in.

The diner started to fill up at around seven. Joe was charming the usual twenty-something customers behind the counter while I was going around to the booths and taking orders. After a while Joe decided to turn on the old box we called a TV. The local Orlando news went on for a while until the national morning show came on. I went on my ten-minute break and sat at the counter.

“What’ll it be pretty lady?” Joe queried.

“A very large, very black coffee please.” I answered tiredly.

I turned my attention to the TV for a moment, the anchor started to talk

“Last night a California inmate managed to escape a high security cell. “ She stated.
“There you go.” Joe handed me my coffee in a rather small mug, I hungrily slurped it up whispering a thank you.

“This is the first time in years there has been a successful escape from a California jail.” The reporter continued.

Joe leaned over to the counter so that he was closer to me. I didn’t take my eyes off of the TV behind him.

“So Ryan, we’ve known each other for a while now, and well, I’m sure its no secret how I feel about you.”

“This man reportedly raped a teenager and murdered her parents three years ago.” The reporter went on. No. It can’t be.

“So I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go to dinner with me sometime?” Joe asked

“Gregory Miller.” She said at last.

My jaw dropped. No. No. NO. This wasn’t happening. I had made a good life here. He would never find me. He was gone. Joe grabbed my hand.

“Hey Ryan! I’m spilling my guts over here the least you could do is pretend to listen.” Joe brought me back.

“So, what do you think?” I realized I hadn’t heard anything he had said and didn’t really care.

“I’m so sorry Joe, I uh, I have to go.” I uttered as I got up and made my way to the back to grab my purse.

Joe followed “Wait Ryan, where are you going? Your shift isn’t over until one and you never gave me an answer.”

I felt sick to my stomach. I had to come up with some good excuse that could get me home.

“I, I don’t feel well.” I stammered.

I scooped up my bag and clocked out.

“Tell Crill I’m going home sick and I’ll take the docked pay.” I lied.

“Ryan...” Joe grabbed my hand just as I got to the back door.

He moved his way up to my forearm and brought me closer. I knew what was about to happen. He stared at me and started leaning in just as I broke free.

“I’m so sorry Joe. Really.”

I pushed through the door and didn’t look back. Thinking back I wish I‘d told him how much he actually meant to me. It was five years until I saw him again.

I practically sprinted out of the bus and into my apartment. Once I got inside I checked to make sure Callie was gone. After I searched the house entirely I sat on the couch and turned on the TV. Flipping to every station until I found one that was airing the news. It was about fifteen minutes before they started talking about the escaped inmate.

“Gregory Miller raped a sixteen year old girl three years ago, Rossalynn Marks.” My picture from junior year flashed up on the screen.

I looked the same. My name was different but you could definitely tell it was me.

“Rossalynn did not go straight to the police after her rape making it hard for them to convict Miller. Miller was soon released on bail. “ The anchor stated.

This was my whole story. The story I had worked so hard to keep quiet. Being broadcasted on national television. Or even worse, Miller could be watching this.

“About three months after the rape Miller made his way to Rossalynn’s house and murdered her two parents. The girl was not currently home and her whereabouts are still unknown to this day.” And there it was, the icing on the cake.

I turned off the TV and went into my room. What was I going to do? I couldn’t let Miller find me. And I couldn’t let him do what he did to me, to another girl. I wouldn’t let it happen. The only solution I could think of was something I couldn’t even say out loud. Miller had to die, and I had to be the one to do it.

I spent hours debating that one simple idea. Could I kill him? How would I kill him? Where was he? Should I risk him finding me? These questions circulated my mind until I heard the door open. Dammit, it was Callie. I walked out to the kitchen area still in my work uniform.

“Hey! I stopped by the diner to bring you some lunch but Joe said you didn’t feel well so you left. He also mentioned he asked you out and you said no. What’s wrong you with you? Joe is so hot!” Callie was quite the talker.

“Cal, I need to talk to you.” I desperately wanted to tell Callie everything.

Wanted to tell her about Miller and how he betrayed my family and me. But I couldn’t.

“Is this about my rent check? Listen I know I’m a little behind but I’ve got a lot more time at the club coming up and that should be a good boost for me.”

Callie was a promo girl. Basically she would walk around club or bar areas wearing skimpy clothes handing out cards for businesses or companies.

“No that’s not it, I need to leave.”

I was sure right away this was what I needed to do.

“What do you mean leave?” She asked.

“My mom called this morning, my dad is really sick and I need to go California. That’s why I left work so suddenly.” I had always been a good liar.

And Callie totally bought it.

“Oh, well, how will you get there?” She seemed so sad.

She was my closest friend in Florida and I was the same for her.

“I have a car, its in storage, remember?”

“Oh yeah.” She answered.

“When will you leave?”

“Probably tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!” Quickly the tears welled up in her eyes.

We hugged and she cried for about an hour. After she was able to pull herself together she stared at me longingly.

“Well. Can I help you pack?” She asked.

We grabbed some boxes from the kitchen and made our way into my room. We went through all of my stuff and laughed at all of the times we had spent. After a while, Callie went into the kitchen to make dinner. I continued to put all of my stuff away and thought of all the places Miller would go. It didn’t take me very long to realize he would go wherever I was. He could even be waiting at my house. I needed to get to California as soon as possible. All of a sudden Callie screamed. Panicked I ran into the kitchen.

“What happened?!” I yelled frantically.

“I almost forgot!” She motioned for me to sit down at the table.

“Do you remember my friend Wilson?”

I had met Wilson a couple of times. But only when he was sneaking out of the house in the morning.

“Yeah sure. Why?” I asked.

“Wilson needs to get to California. He has some new club thing opening. He’s also really loaded. You could take him with you! He could pay for gas and food and you could drive.”

Callie was crazy, and I loved her for it.

“Cal, that sounds great but you know me. I like my alone time.” I answered lovingly.

“God dammit Ryan stop being such a hermit! Wilson is a very quiet guy. You won’t even know he’s there.”

I was running low on funds. And I wasn’t very interested in camping out. He could pay for hotels and god knows my suburban guzzles gas like no other.

“Okay fine.”

“Yes!” She screamed. “I’ll call him right now!”

I went back into my room and thought to myself, a little company wouldn’t do me any harm. If anything it would be good to have a guy around.

I called Crill early that morning to tell him I was quitting. He had no clue what I was saying but soon he would realize that I was no longer coming in everyday and I’m sure Callie would tell Joe. I had just finished boxing up all of my stuff when I realized I couldn’t bring all of the stuff I had accumulated over the two years I had been in Florida. I didn’t need the big stuffed dog Joe won me at the county fair two months ago. I didn’t need the giant poster of the Clash Callie gave to me for my birthday. As much as I wanted to keep all of these memories I knew I couldn’t. I opened up all of the boxes and emptied out the contents on my bed. I put all of the important things I needed into an extra large duffel bag. License, keys, toothbrush, sweatshirts, underwear, socks, and three pictures. One was of Callie, Joe, and I at my birthday. Callie threw me a party and invited mostly her friends. I knew about eight of the people, but it was the best birthday ever. We took that picture right after I blew out my candles. That night I had hope that everything would end up okay. The next picture was one of my parents and I at a Mexican restaurant on father’s day. I was 16, four months before my world was shattered, seven months before my parents lives were ended. The last picture was one of my best friend, Robin and I. We were six years old and at kindergarten. One of our teachers brought a camera and took the picture, which she later gave to my parents. Leaving Robin was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I still think about her everyday, wondering what school she chose, who she’s dating. I knew everything about her life and she knew everything about mine, not knowing the simplest things about her just killed me. Everything that wasn’t a necessity I would either try to sell along the way or just dump later on. Callie came in and caught me admiring the picture of Marie. I was able to hide it before she could ask me who it was.

“So I called Wilson and he said he would totally do it! He’s gonna come tomorrow morning around 8 so you guys can talk and decide travel plans.” She stated, obviously so excited.

“Sounds great.” I replied with a fake smile.

I still wasn’t really sure I wanted to go through with this. Would I be able to keep up the lie I had told Callie about why I was leaving? Would Wilson believe me? I was a good liar but I knew I’d be with him for at least a couple weeks. Callie came running back into my room, interrupting my thought. She held something in her fist and tears were welled up in her eyes.
“Ryan...” her voice trailed off before she started sobbing again.

I held her for fifteen minutes before she was able to pull herself together.

“I wanted to give you this.” She opened her fist and, to my surprise, a necklace rested in her palm. “My mom gave me this when I moved to Florida all on my own. She said it remind me that my family was always with me.”

The necklace was beautiful; it was a long silver chain with a rather small ruby red heart.

“Callie I...” She wouldn’t like me refusing it.

“Please just take it Ryan.” I slid the necklace out of her hand into mine and put it around my neck. It was long and didn’t need to be unclasped.

“Thank you Cal, really.” I said.

“You’re welcome. Now I’ll always be with you.” She responded with her usual bouncy persona. I smiled at the return of her personality.

We ate, mostly in silence. I was able to escape doing the dishes and returned to my room. Everything was either in a trash bag or in a box. My duffle bag sat at the foot of my bed near the clothes I would wear tomorrow. At the last minute I decided to throw in my Nokia charger. I drifted off quick but was up not much longer. Nightmares limited me to three hours of sleep a night, four if I was lucky. I looked at my Nokia. 2:24 am. I got up and crept into Callie’s room, positive I would get no sleep tonight. I retrieved her laptop, a gift from her parents, from her bedside table and took it into the kitchen. I spent the next five hours finding directions that I would take to get to my final destination. By 7:00am I had memorized the 31 routes to get to San Francisco. I had always been able to do that. Ever since I could remember, any thing that I read or saw was permanently in my mind. It worked in my advantage when it came to school. But after I was raped, it became my curse. I made my way back into my room to get all my stuff together. Half an hour passed and I hopped in the shower. To my surprise, when I got out my travel partner was waiting for me.

“Ryan! Wilson’s here!” Callie called from the kitchen.

“Be out in a second!” I called back. I took my hair out of my towel and dressed in my weatherproof black jacket with a gray sweater underneath, dark wash jeans and black combat boots that had belonged to my mother. I pulled my hair into a low ponytail and brushed my teeth. I put Callie’s necklace on and tucked it underneath my sweater. I grabbed my duffle, keys, and cell and looked around my small bedroom one last time. I had been here for three years; called this place my home. Was actually able to feel safe here.

“Well, it was nice knowing ya.” I whispered. I walked out the hallway and into the kitchen. Wilson was wearing a grey sweater with a zipper at the neck, dark wash jeans and old converse. He stood up when I got to the table and offered his hand.

“Nice to finally meet you Ryan, I’m Jeremy Wilson but you can just call me Wilson.” He goes by his last name? Reminds me of someone else I know. Gregory Miller.

I shook his hand “I think you mean nice to officially meet you. Don’t think I didn’t notice you sneaking out in the morning.” I was a smartass and I knew it.

“Ryan!” Callie shouted, her face a tomato red.

Jeremy’s face fell and he released his grip on my hand slightly.

I smirked “Excuse me. I’m Ryan Raines. Pleasure to finally meet you.”

Jeremy nervously coughed and sat down at the table.

“Isn’t Ryan a boys name?” He asked as I was grabbing an apple from the counter.

“Hah, yeah I was supposed to be a boy and well my parents couldn’t really agree on a girls name so they just decided humiliation for the rest of my life was okay.” I took a bite out of my apple.

Jeremy laughed. He had a nice laugh, and a nice smile. His eyes were a piercing green, which flickered in the light. Damn this man was good looking.

“So Ryan,” Callie interrupted my thought. Wilson has all the hookups with bands. He said you guys might stop to see some of them.” She said.

“Oh did he?” I asked accusingly. Jeremy coughed again, even less confident than the first time.

“Well, if it’s okay with you of course. I mean you are driving me across the country after all.” He took a sip of his coffee.

“Why am I driving you anyway?” I took another bite of my apple. “Callie said you were loaded. Why not take a plane?” I asked, my mouth still full. Callie stared daggers at me.

“Wilson’s parents died in a freak plane accident Ryan.” I looked at him surprisingly; he was staring into his coffee. Well the mystery is solved I guess.

“Oh s***, I’m sorry. If it wasn’t already obvious I don’t have much of a filter.” I stated,

“You got that right.” Callie whispered. I pretended not to hear her. Jeremy looked up reassuringly.

“Its okay, really, I mean there’s no way you could have known.” I could feel the awkwardness and hoped the rest of the trip wouldn’t be this way.

“Well, I guess we now know plenty about each other.” I said as I stood up. “I need to go get the car.”

“Oh actually Wilson already got it.” Callie said sheepishly. I looked over at him.

“How did you drive with out the...”

“Keys?” He interrupted, as he held up a pair identical to the ones I set down on my duffel. He even had the key to get into the storage garage “I took a taxi to storage and picked it up there. It’s all gassed up and ready to go.” He stood up and leaned against the counter behind him.

“Remember Ryan, you gave me an extra pair. Just in case?” Callie stood as well.

“Huh...well since that’s all squared away I guess we just need to load up and we’ll be on our way.” Callie’s face fell.

Jeremy grabbed his stuff he brought inside and started to move it out. Callie poured me a cup of coffee in a travel mug, as I loaded what wasn’t already in the car.

“You don’t really have much.” I said as I tossed the third and final bag into the trunk.

“Neither do you.” He countered. I examined the one cardboard box and extra backpack I had in the back. I guess I didn’t really have much either. I had already thrown away most of my stuff, besides a couple of boxes of clothes and a backpack. I raised my eyebrows towards Jeremy and went back inside to say one last goodbye to Callie, making sure I took the necklace out of my sweater.

“Callie I...” She threw herself into my arms before I was able to finish my sentence.

“Oh Ryan, you have no idea how much I’ll miss you.” She said in between sobs.

“Trust me Cal, I do.” She faced me and wiped her tears away.

“Give your dad my best. And make sure they get their butts down here ASAP! It’s about time I meet my best friend’s parents!” She said with a laugh.

My stomach turned. I feigned a smile. “Of course Callie.” We hugged for the last time.

“I love you Ryan.”

“I love you Callie.” She squeezed me even harder and finally let go.

I turned to the door, where Jeremy was waiting, and she blew me a kiss. Jeremy nodded towards me and I started towards the door so he could say goodbye to Callie. I wasn’t quite sure how close they were, but every time they were together it was like they were married. He was always so kind to her; very different from most of the men she had been with. Once I got out back I searched through my backpack and found what I was looking for. A pack of Marlboro and my dads lighter. I light one up and took a long drag. I took up smoking in high school, but once I moved to Florida I couldn’t afford the habit anymore. I told myself only one pack a month; these were my special occasion cigarettes. And although this day wasn’t a special occasion I definitely needed it. Jeremy came out two minutes later and saw my cigarette.

“Oh you smoke?” He said disgustedly.

“No, I don’t.” I said as I threw the butt on the ground and stomped on it. “Ready?” I asked.

“As I’ll ever be.” He said.

I put the pack and lighter back into my backpack and walked around to the driver’s side. Callie was standing on the front porch. She had a tissue in her hand and was waving to us. I waved back and got into the car. I didn’t see Callie for five years, and our reunion was nowhere near tearful.