This is the worst kind of love story.

She didn’t know it at the time, but Saffi was inches away from a rushing river crowded with jagged rocks. She hadn’t stepped over yet, but the first time she saw Angel, she surrendered to gravity and tumbled into the rushing waters.

Ooh, somebody has a cruhh-uhhhsh. Matt had teased, ruffling Saffi’s hair. But it didn’t feel like a crush- a crush was like a mild summer day. It was laying on your deck under the warm sun, feeling the rays push against your skin as you sip lemonade. But this, to Saffi, was completely different. A snowstorm raged around her, suffocating her with its white hands. She had lost all control and was slowly being buried in a snowbank. And yet, through all the cold, there was an indescribable warmth, a spark that kept her heart beating ever so slightly.

And that was just from the first look.

The more she got to know Angel, the more her heart beat, and the snow around her began to melt. Eventually, she could feel the grass under her feet again.

Hey, you want one? Angel held out a soda, cap opened and half-drunk. Saffi took it and laughed.

I don’t want your cooties on this.

You’re an actual child. Angel wrapped her arm around Saffi. A hilarious child.

Of course, the worry of cooties passed. Because a week later, behind the dorm buildings, the two shared a quick, awkward kiss. At least, for Saffi. She had no idea what idea what she was doing. Angel, a self-described expert thought this was hilarious.

Spring had finally come, and the snow around Saffi had melted and fed the grass. It reached her knees, and it seemed like it would never stop growing. As long as Angel didn’t stop holding her hand, kissing her, and holding her, it would grow past her head.

But for a while, it stayed the same. Both were too afraid, even the fearless Angel, to admit it to the rest of the students. They both knew that, at any moment, Saffi could be whisked away-called into duty as a Sentry-and there was a part of both of them that didn’t want to share that sadness with others. So they wallowed in love and fear. And the grass didn’t grow, and the sun above Saffi had stopped moving. Everything was stagnant, everything was quiet.

Did you tell Matt? Angel’s hand glided over Saffi’s. It was afternoon, during the precious free time they had, and both had elected to spend it sitting on Saffi’s bed.

No, Saffi scoffed. Why would you think that?

He was looking at me weird today. Angel’s hand curled into a fist over Saffi’s. I’m sorry, I must be paranoid.

No, its fine. The teen rested her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. Matt looks at people weird sometimes.

Angel chuckled. Yeah, yeah.

Winter came to the camp-something Saffi didn’t know was possible in the middle of the Bermuda-and so their breaths froze mid-flight and ash fell from the sky. Saffi loved the way it collected on Angel’s lashes, clumping like snowbanks off the side of a highway. Angel only got some of her Earth-references, despite spending her life there. While Saffi had grown up in rural Florida, and therefore was fluent in the lingo of her generation. Angel, however, having grown up deep in the mountains of Sweden, was isolated by her mother. Homeschooled and taught how to wield a sword since the age of five, she was far from the classmates and friends Saffi knew. She couldn’t ever be one of them, even if Angel had grown up a neighbor to Saffi. She was blessed with two stripes, going down from her eyes to her chin, that betrayed her emotions wherever she went. Black or red was anger, blue was calm, pink was love. Saffi had memorized every shade. She even had a notebook with a key, color-coded and all. Angel would often cover them with black face paint, but her true colors always shone through. Or, it washed off.

On this moon, winter was six months, and summer was the same. There was no transition, just cold and harsh one day, and suffocating the next. Angel was her warmth, and, at the same time, her oxygen. They both had the same goals, same love, and same voice. Everything else was different. But they navigated and compromised, working all day for some small satisfaction at night. They fell in and out of sync so many times Saffi stopped counting it at night. When they were in sync, the river Saffi floated down was smooth and empty. When they fell out, the rapids appeared like a mirage before her. She saw them, and she didn’t think they were tangible, but the scars the rocks left on her heart were all too real.  

God, something weird is happening between us right now. Saffi pointed at Angel, then back at herself. Like, do you feel it too?

Sorta. Angel’s cheeks glowed in the dusky light. The planet itself was a prototype of Earth, a colony gone wrong. Everything about it was supposed to be perfect, an exact copy down to the blades of grass beneath the girl’s feet. And whoever has constructed this planet had gotten almost right-because if they had, Saffi and Angel would be overlooking an ocean. Instead, a looming forest sloped down where the water should be, getting darker and darker the deeper it went. And with the darkness came the animals. Giant Elk, the color of silver stardust, walked alone in the depths of the pine-scented sea, always running from a pack of equally large cougars encumbered with canines larger than any building in Saffi’s hometown.

There should be sand here. Saffi kicked at the dirt. In the distance, birds rose from the trees with a screech.

I like it better. Angel reached her hand out towards the trees. It’s comforting. Reminds me of home.

Mmhm. Saffi watched as an antler poked out from the trees, miles away.

The next weeks were slurred and slow, color turning to black and white and moving like a thick soup around Saffi. Something was wrong-she could sense it in her stomach-but she just accepted the rift in their relationship.

She’d always hated herself for that.

She hated herself for never telling Angel “I love you” in those last few weeks, never reaching out or even saying “I’m sorry.” Every lone step down the empty, blistered halls were echoed by a demon wailing a sorrowful, accusing song.

Your fault, your fault, It would tell her.

My fault, my fault. She would reply, hoping that it would go away. It didn’t.

A month passed, and Saffi felt the summer months start to wane. She expected to feel cold and numb, but instead, a lukewarm feeling sat heavy in her stomach. I reminded Saffi of the days back in Florida when there’d be clouds blanketing the sky. Saffi would expect it to be cold-but when she stepped outside, the air would be right between the extremes. Not too cold, not too hot. Like the void between hell and heaven, it felt like nothing.

And that’s what Saffi felt.

Nothing.

It was like an empty space in a crowded room, growing larger and larger by the moment. It was so out of place and Saffi absolutely hated it-but she didn’t know how to make it stop.

More months passed. War had been declared. Soldiers were being shipped out by the thousands to fight. Saffi and Matt were among the Sentries who were chosen to stay, should their enemies attack them on their home turf.

It would never come to that, said her cousin.

But Saffi wished it would.

Because then she might have a chance to see Angel again. She might get to hold her hand again, brush her lips against hers and feel their heartbeats intertwine once more.

Just once.

That’s all.

Her prayers were left unanswered. Saffi, confused, tried to reason with her unanswered calls. Matt had always told her there was a kind, loving god. One who answered those who cried for His help.

She was doubting that now.

If there was a god, Saffi proclaimed in a moment of anger. He would answer me.

You’ve just got to wait. Matt sighed.

I have waited. She collapsed on the floor, hands over her face. I’ve waited and waited. She hasn’t come back.

Matt didn’t reply.

Waiting wasn’t as painful as Saffi thought. After a while, it became a second nature. Like brushing her teeth or sleeping, it was just another routine in her daily life.

Acceptance, Matt called it. Five stages of grief. You’re at the last.

Saffi didn’t think so.

But she put her head down and pushed through each day, one after the other. Every day she looked out the window of her room-and window she and Angel often gazed out of together-and gently touch the dusty sill.

The ivory smoothness reminded Saffi of her lost love.

The coldness did not.

Saffi found Angel five years later.

How have you been? Saffi asked. Her voice was calm, but her stomach quivered with all the love she’d repressed for years.

Fine. Angel’s voice was cold, but her eyes shifted to a soft blue as she spoke.

I missed you.

I know.

They found each other on a white, dusty bank, Angel half-dead and Saffi very much alive.

Who did this?

I don’t know. Angel sighed. She moved a red-stained hand away from her arm.

Are you a pirate now? Saffi knelt down beside her friend.  

Yes.

A space pirate?

The fuck do you think?

Saffi laughed for the first time in years.

What now? She hoped Angel would say “come home”.

Leave me.

Saffi’s hands began to shake.

Not after all these years. I lost you, Angel. I’m not going to lose you again. I mean, do you understand the shit you put me through? I lost five years of my childhood, Angel. So you undertsnad how long that is? I was fifteen back then. I'm twenty now. I lost all that time grieving over you. And then her you are, telling me to leave?

Saffi grabbed Angel’s arm.

I'm not going, you selfish prick.

Angel’s fingers curled around her lost lover’s armor-clad forearm.

If you stay, you’ll just be in more pain.

No, I won’t. Saffi was making empty promises.

I’m going to die.

I know.

They spent the next fifteen minutes chatting about their old lives. In those fifteen minutes, Saffi found out that Angel had five brothers, a small scar on her lower calf, and had once drunk milk so fast that she nearly choked to death. They laughed, and Saffi finally felt happy for once in five years.

She did notice that Angel began slipping away. For every minute that passed, she would become paler, and her voice hoarser.

In the last minute, there was silence. Both knew what was coming.

Then, Angel’s hand slipped off of Saffi’s arm.

Bye. I love you.

Saffi couldn’t lose her again.

She leaned in for one more kiss.

Angel’s lips were cold and metallic, but there was still life flowing through them. A life that sparked all of Saffi’s memories, ones of old and new love.

She remembered the first time they kissed.

She remembered the first time Angel held her hand.

She remembered the first time Saffi showed Angel her Pokemon card collection.

She remembered the love.

...

Angel was no longer there.

Saffi pulled away.

This can’t be happening.

She screamed and screamed into the snow. Fresh, hot tears scalded her face and melted the white blanket around her.

The sky was full of dense, grey bubbles that hung so low they almost touched the ground. Snow, in little pieces, tumbled out of the bubbles and down to the ground below.  For this planet, year-round gloom was the norm.

But for some reason, coincidence or not, the clouds parted. They retracted like stage curtains into the horizon and revealed a stunning orange sun.

Around Saffi, the snow began to melt. The mountainous snow banks turned to tiny rivers, and the snow around Saffi was disappearing quickly. The red of Angel’s blood was washed away, carried into the river with the snow.

Saffi looked around.

The snow was finally melting. Spring had come.