What it means to be alive | Teen Ink

What it means to be alive

January 11, 2011
By Margurite, portland, Oregon
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Margurite, Portland, Oregon
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Favorite Quote:
"theres always Tomorrow"

I saw it out of the corner of my eye. His big greasy right hand coming at me full speed. "SMACK!" Dish soap and water went everywhere. As I fell to the floor of our new kitchen in our new house meant for a new life, I realized nothing had changed. It has started, the fight is going to go on all night. My vision blurred as I stood up in front of my drunk father and watched his every move, making sure I would know when the next strike was going to hit. Trying to defined myself from the monster, I ran as fast as I could with my head pounding, I escaped into my mothers room, hoping she was awake to save me from him. "Espy! She is not awake, she will not wake until morning".His voice boomed as he walked up the stairs laughing. I noticed the pill bottles on her dresser, sleeping pills, antidepressant. "Crap". I whispered as I opened the door hoping to make a fast escape to my new room. I am too slow, too weak. He picked me up with both hands shoving me against the wall, hitting my head making the head ache worst if possible. I let out a the loudest scream I could, trying to be louder than my brother's rock music blasting in his room. I guess I was. The Next minute Allan came flying out of his room he saw what's going on. "Let go of her" he Said in a stern voice he walked towards us. I closed me eyes, I didn't want to see the next punch. I felt my fathers hands let go of my arms I slowly slid down the wall to weak to stand to scared to look. THUD! At this point I was not sure who hit who but I was sure some one fell on the floor, I didn't want to look even if I did my vision is so blurry from all the tears, that I wouldn't be able to see much of what happened anyways. I curled up in a ball and covered my face. I waited two or three minutes then raised my head to see the battle field around me. It was quite, too quite. my father was laying in the hall way face down, Allan was standing there life less looking at me with his big green eyes full of fear. He swallowed it away and said "get in your room, I don't want to have to save you again" then he walked into his room shut the door and cranked up the guitar solo. I scrambled to my feet, rubbing my eyes I made it to my new room a sigh of relief as I curled up in my blankets. At this point I would cry and feel helpless, I remember when I wouldn’t sleep for days because I was so scared he would come back for more beatings. Allan use to protect me more when we were younger but as we get older he is getting more and more fete up with our father. I wish it would just go away but I have noticed its nights like this when I am lucky To even be alive. This is a night Allan has a heart lately he’s been missing. I pulled out a photo of me last year with grand in Cali. My grandmas gray locks still had strips of dark velvet red mixed into her gray. I am glad that me and my grandmother look so alike. We both have curly, lustrous, velvet red hair with a natural highlight of brown. always kept long, are face is sprinkled with light brown spots both have a fair complexion that glows with a hint of pink on are pale white skin, but what we share that I love the most is I have her striking almond shaped emerald green eyes that always seemed to glow in the warm sun light. I dozed off thinking of my favorite person in the world. Slipping into the dreamy happiness. "Wake up". My mother said shaking my shoulder. "You have to take Casey to school and Mackenzie to day care". I opened my eyes, they felt heavy as the light shined threw the dusty old window. " I am up" I replied to my mother in a sleepy tone, not to convincing but she really didn't care. "Ok, bye I will be home around seven make dinner its in the freezer" she shouted at me as she walked in to the hallway and diapered like always, gone. She wakes up early to get a few drinks before work and stays out late to get drunk before coming home because she knows she couldn’t stand life with out her baby liquor. I got up and grabbed my towel off of my bed post. I turned on the shower and got in. The warm water felt nice on my neck and head i was sore. I wetted my hair and started to rub shampoo threw it. My scalps burned bad, I quickly rinsed the shampoo out and noticed it was bloody and raw. From last night. I hurried and washed my body got out and slipped on clothes. Last years skinny jeans and Hawthorne heights band shirt. I haven't went school shopping yet and I don't plan too, best thing about moving around all the time is no one notices that I am wearing last years clothes. I sighed and brushed my tangled hair trying to not hit my sore spot. "Espy!". Casey yelled. That's my Queue I grabbed my backpack and went down stares. "what's wrong Casey?" I asked grabbing Mackenzie from her hands rocking her back a forth clamming her whimpers, why give a baby to another baby doesn't make since to me i thought. "Come on, Casey" I nudged her out the door. It was cold and kind of rainy. So I covered Mackenzie with the blanket and put my hood on, i hate being in Portland its always so wet and cold, nothing like Cali where grandma sally lives i sure miss it there always warm and sunny. "I am so excited I cant wait to go to a new school and meet new people" Casey said splashing in the rain puddle with her big cheesy smile. "Yes, it is very exciting" I lied but I didn't want to bring her down. I am just happy that she can live on with a bright smile and it not be a lie I didn't want to be the reason it was either. Falcon elementary school was only a few blocks away, easy enough that Casey will have to walk home alone. "Well you're here." I said to Casey with a huge cheesy smile. "See you later" she yelled walking off as her dimples faded into inheritance. "Your not going to give me a hug!" She ran back and rapped her arms around me. "I love you" she whispered. "I love you too, now go to school kiddo". I hated this always having to play the "mother part" because our mother was too f-ed up to realize that she is failing to show love. "Baba" Mackenzie mumbled she was getting sleepy again, she always wanted her bottle when she was about to dose off. "here is your bottle" I said giving it to her.” come on time to go to daycare." i tried to keep her up long enough to get there, it was nice to have her daycare close to are house as well only down the street from the elementary. What a nice set up I thought as I entered the daycare, they were lucky because Mackenzie was just about to fall asleep. The daycare was a bright yellow with peach curtains and white carpet pretty nice, toys were scattered everywhere many children were playing with them, there was also another room in the back of the room on the door it said "nappy room" written in red on a white door. "How may I help you?" a young woman maybe in her twenties asked rocking a baby in her arms. she had long black straight hair and big brown eyes, quite thin she seemed like one of those girls on TV for those stupid modeling shows, only weight 5 pounds and had perfect skin no boobs or curves because no one made clothes for girls like me. C cups when I was in the 5th grade and have monster hips, one thing I am happy about is I am very slender even though I have a wide bone structure and huge knockers. " uh, yeah I was wondering if I could sign her up for daycare Mondays threw Saturdays?” I asked not sure how to do this. "Yes I just need you to fill these paper out.” she said in a loud jolly tone, handing me a packet of papers and a pen, taking Mackenzie from my arms i would not usually allow some one to hold Mackenzie but i oddly trusted this lady she seemed like she knew what she was doing. I sat down on the floor, and started to fill out the papers. I couldn't help but notice some guy sitting down and coloring with a few of the older kids he didn't seem like a "child lover". He wore a black long coat and baggy blue jeans with a belt, his hair was messy and black greasy looking too. Kind of nasty. It was then I noticed he was smiling at me, not a happy smile but a sweet hello smile. His eyes were a cloudy blue mostly covered by his shaggy hair. I looked away, not sure what to do. Was I just staring. And he started back. I thought as I finished filling out the papers. I stood up, and walked over to the young woman again. “I don't have a home phone, but other than that everything was filled out" I said handing it to her. "Ok thank you for signing up for catholic daycare center, I have to ask will it bother you to know some of are workers are here for community serves, were kind of low on staff?" she asked. I knew it he wasn't here willingly probably got caught selling drugs or hijacking a car, ha. What a punk and to think I thought he was cute. As if. "Miss?" She interrupted my thought. "oh no it wont bother me." I smiled. "Ok. You want to say good bye to your daughter." she handed me Mackenzie. I kissed her four head and gave her back. I would of corrected the woman tell her I am not her mother, but I kind of am, have been sense aunt Katie got into meth and handed little kinezy over to my mother, and my mother gave her to me two years ago. I never found out what happened to kinezy's mom, but if I find her I will give her a piece of my mind for a bonding kinezy. " I never caught your name?" she said. " I am Espy, Espy Gray and you?" I replied. " I am Mary hawk." she smiled and i walked out of the door, the rain has picked up so has the wind. It was colder. I zipped up my sweater and put my hood back on. Waiting for the bus was longer than I thought. I was waiting there for at least 10minutes. School doors open in 20minutes I really do not under stand why school start so late 8 thirty o'clock is the latest I have ever seen any school open, I guess it is good because it gives me time to drop the kids off. I stood at the school keeping my mind busy trying to pass time... other people started to show up I could see them forming into groups no one was alone everyone had some one on there side, but me. I saw my brother he fit in perfectly with a group of "punk kids" i saw that boy at the daycare center standing by my brother, but Allan still stood alone. He was stubborn to show any weakness or need for anything. like friends, but i knew he would make some friends if not with the guys the girls would fall all over him by tomorrow always do. "Hi, I am grace" a bright blond preppy girl cheered loudly at me with a huge ear to ear smile (perfect white teeth). "I am Espy." I said in my quite voice gripping my Sketch book tightly. Meeting new people make me uncomfortable, I tried to not let it show. "Are you new here?" the obvious question was asked. "Uh. Y-yeah." i stuttered terriblely. "How old are you, you look a bit young?" she almost cut me off. "I am 14, and you?" I asked not really curious but I didn't want do be rude, today is not the day to have enemies plus i need a guide around school. " I am 15." she said reading a text message her face crinkled into a million wrinkles as a smile came across her face. " Uh I have to go, ttyl Espy." She said my name wrong and then she walked away into the crowd of people hooking her arms around a beautiful blond boy. *RING* school bell rang. Well here i go. i thought as i pushed threw the crowd of people to the front doors of Falcon High. inside wasn't to shabby brick walls and normal multicolored tiles on the floor. the office was right there as you took your first steps inside i guess i didn't need a guide after all. "hello?" i said looking for some one in the office. "oh, hey welcome to Falcon High missy" a sweet old lady said standing no more that 4 feet from the floor. " I am Espy Gray i am here to pick up my schedule" "oh, hmmm let me see here...ah here you go sweetie" she handed the paper. "uh, this is my brothers schedule Allan gray, I am Espy gray." "oh dear I am sorry. here you go" "thank you" I smiled and walked out. now i have to find my brother to give him this, the thought of walking around this huge school hunting down Allan made my backpack feel heavier. lets see what classes i have to take. Espy Gray .M School hours 8:35-5:45 1st. algebria 1 & 2 miss Stanley Rm. 153 8:35-9:40 2nd. history Mr. frocks Rm 78 9:45-10:50 3rd. English Mr. Carson Rm 62 10:55-12:00(home Rm) Lunch 12:00-1:00 4th. Science Mrs. Nicene Rm 98 1:05-2:10 5th.P.E Mr. Kane & Mrs. Lon Rm 67 2:15-3:25 6th. Spanish Mrs. rashel 108 3:30-4:35 7th. Ap English Mr. Carson Rm 62 4:40-5:45 I am not to happy about having math class first thing in the morning or not having a art class at all. I never liked it much I got so bored and I can never do a long division problem or multiplying factors or even plan algebraic problems. At least history was next, I always like to learn about all of the old wars and presidents, but that was last years history class who know what I will learn in this one. I mean what kind of name is Mr. frocks sounds kind of loony to me. English was my strong point in school I like reading, writing and I can just forget about life in most English classes. I either get lost in the book or the writing prompt, the one thing I hate about this class is I never get enough time, but now I have two English classes. Ap English I never have been in a Ap English class before? I can wait until the end of the day. Boom all my books fell to the white tile flooring and I fell hard on to my back. “oh, my bad” I heard a guy say. A sweet sun tan hand shot out in front of my face. I flinched and closed my eyes, one thing worst than getting hit is seeing it and feeling it. I waited for the stinging pain to find my face but it never came. “ here I’ll help you up” he said again I opened my eyes studied his hand for a short moment. Slowly I put my hand on his, the warmth gave me a shiver down my arm I could feel the hairs sticking up under my sweater. His hand gripped tightly on mine, I was swiftly on my feet in seconds standing inches from his face. “sorry about that I didn’t see you there, I am Josh” his voice was flawlessly confident and charming. I blushed as the sweet smell of toothpaste found my nose. I raised my head. He had bright honey-blonde hair that paired fondly with his sun glow skin. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, they were a warm reddish brown so beautiful. his thick raven black eyelash’s batting as the smooth sounds escapes his peach lips crinkled into a breath taking smile, he had a small freckle over the left peak of his upper lip. He had a small lock of hair that fell in front of his forehead. He must have been a jock because he was wearing a football jersey. “and you are?” the smell of toothpaste came over the air again and then I realized he was asking me. “uh, I am Espy.” I said in my small voice. I looked down at are hands, they were still locked together, as soon as I realized this he let go as if it bothered me. “are you new here, I have never seen you before?” his eyes glowed the feeling of summer. “I am new, today is my first day of school here. I am kind of lost *laugh*.” I laughed I cant believe I laughed nervously. *he laughed* “you have a cute laugh Espy” I felt my face getting hot and I knew that I must be redder than Santa clause. “thanks.” “here are you books, and schedule.” he said handing me my things. “hey josh, come on!” some boy down the hall shouted “see you in history and Spanish” he patted my right arm, winked and jogged away leaving me breathless. I stood there more, probably two minutes, the halls were empty and I bet I was late to math class already. I sped walked to math to find that the room door was locked, I had to knock. I knocked softly I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself on the first day. But no one answered. I took a step back to prepare my self for what I was going to have to do knock hard and loud. The door swung open. Thank god I stepped back or it would of hit me in the face. Out stepped seven boys all looked like punks. A teacher was yelling sounded old and overwhelmed “get back in here or your having lunch detections” I was hoping to slip into the classroom before they shut the door but they didn’t even see me. One boy yelled back “we’re not going to be here long enough for lunch.” he and the rest chuckled and closed the door. Standing here almost invisible shockingly didn’t feel weird I have gotten use to this feeling. The feeling of empty space no one see, that’s me. As I start my confidence up once again to knock of the math door one boy acknowledged this empty space. “hey who are you” the grungy blond boy said making all the other guys look my way. Instantly I felt like a unimportant office building in a big city of tall strong scary sky scrapers. “uh, hi” I said with a unsure look on my face. “who are you” the blond boy said leaning his arm against the wall over my head. “I am Espy, Espy gray.” I mumbled. “hmmm, interesting.” he lit a cigarette and leaned closer. “leave her alone Trent.” a guy in the back of the crowd said pitifully. “wow, this is not the time to be a p***y Calen.” the blond boy shouted. “I am not being a p***y, look at her she is young and scared. Stop it.” Calen said getting angry. “no she is cute, and willing aren’t you baby?” Trent said putting his hand on my hip. I pushed his hand away. Trends hand was rough and cold nothing like the nice boy I met earlier. “get your hands off of her.” Calen argued pulling Trent away from me forcefully. I finally saw Calen face, he is the boy I saw today at the day care. Does he even notice who I am? Is that why he is helping me? Does he think Casey and Kinsey is mine? These questions kept popping in my mind.

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This book has 1 comment.

on Sep. 25 2011 at 5:59 am
MiNdLeSsLuVeRgIrL BRONZE, Kenly, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 120 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours if it doesn't, it never was!

plz make more