Selfish | Teen Ink

Selfish

May 19, 2018
By 26.hails, Littleton, Colorado
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26.hails, Littleton, Colorado
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Author's note:

I wrote this story for people to relate to. I want to get some sort of reaction out of the reader, whether it is crying for the death of someone or being angry at the murderer of your favorite character. I knows how hard life can be and how people can seem like the very best and actually be the very worst. I am trying to let you relate to something and make you feel like some of the characters are fictional, more dramatic versions of people in your life.

     Black. It seems like all I can see. A sea of black.
     I stand with my dad, John, and brother, Carter, on either sides of me, at my mother and brother’s, Carson’s, funeral. In disbelief. In denial. It seems like only yesterday I was in the backyard playing monkey in the middle with Carson and Snowy, our small, chubby dog, while our mom was inside making dinner for that night.
     All three of us are suspects in the murder cases along with my aunt, Margaret, but I can’t imagine any of us would’ve done it. My dad did get in an argument with Carson and my mom about how Carson should’ve gone to college, NYU to be exact, both Carson and my mom argued that he was doing just fine without going to NYU or any college. Carter rarely ever came out of his dark, messy room and when he did it was to eat at family meals, he was usually quite at those so none of us ever tried to talk to him, the police find this suspicious. My aunt never got along with my mom, she always thought her brother, my dad, could’ve done better than my mom, my aunt also hated that Carson was the clear favorite; she always felt bad for Carter and I for having to deal with that. I was a suspect because my mom and I were constantly disagreeing and apparently that’s not normal, and while Carson was one of my favorite people, he pushed my buttons sometimes. It hurts to think that the police think any of us would do something like this to our own family.
     A river of tears stream down my face. I wore waterproof mascara for this reason, but it doesn’t seem to be working. The mascara stained tears seep into my funeral dress, which is a tea length, black dress with a velvet sash. I resent this dress. Nothing good ever happens in this dress. It has accompanied me to every funeral I have ever been to, I was also wearing this dress on the day my uncle got into a car crash and died. Yet another funeral.
     I have to think about something else, I can’t appear vulnerable. Not right now. Vulnerability shows weakness and I’m not ready to give up like that yet.
     I look up at Carter. I can’t even imagine how he must be feeling, losing your twin brother, your other half, your partner in crime. We are all crushed but for him it must be ten times worse. However, he seems to be keeping a straight face through all of this. Not a single tear. He’s not helping.
     I look up at my dad, next. He lost his wife and his favorite child in the same week. We all knew Carson was his favorite. My parents never did a good job of hiding who their favorite was. I can tell he’s trying to hold it all in and look strong, but it’s just not working. He has puffy cheeks and a tear stained face. He’s not helping either.
     There are at least a hundred people here that I could look at to help me, but since we are in the front I can’t necessarily turn around. My family is Italian so there’s a lot of us, and I do love my family but, right now, I wish everything would disappear and I could be alone.
     Ever since the murders, I’ve never wanted to just disappear more. New people come up to me everyday and say, “I’m so sorry for your loss, Delilah,” or, “Is there anything I can do?” or,“Are you alright? Do you need anything? How ‘bout I go make you a lasagna?”, as if everyone else hasn’t already done that and I don’t have a million lasagnas in my fridge.
      Just leave me alone, people! We live in Jersey for god’s sake! There is always something you could be doing!
     I start to get dizzy. Something's happening. I blackout. A vision starts to appear. It’s Carson.
     “Help me, Delilah!” he screams, “Get me out of here! Why aren’t you doing anything to help me? Why?”
       I snap out of my daze and balance myself before I can fall over. My eyes feel twice as wide as they were before and I feel like I just drank twenty glasses of the world’s strongest liquor.
     The blackouts have been happening for the past week, they started the day my mom and brother got murdered. I passed out after I ate breakfast and woke up to find out that my mom and Carson were murdered. What a day.
     I’m going crazy standing here.
     I have to go. I have to get out of here. I can’t stare at these corpses anymore. I just can’t do it.
     I turn around and bolt out of the church. As I leave I hear the murmurs of my family and friends as they all look back at me in shock.

     I’m not back at my house for thirty seconds before my best friend, Ryan, appears at my door. Ryan has been there for me through everything. I’ve known him almost my entire life. Ryan works in a forensics lab in the city, and unlike me, has his own apartment. My brothers and I just found it easier to stay with my parents, considering we are a very tight knit family.
     “What happened back there?” Ryan questions.
     “I… I don’t know,” I stammer.
     “You have to let me know what’s going on. It’s not good to hold all your emotions in like this,” he says as he pulls me into him and hugs me as tight as possible. I almost can't breathe.
       I can’t hold it in any longer. He was right. I need to tell someone or I’m going to start going crazy, and what better person to tell than Ryan. I let go, of all of it. All the sadness and anger and denial, it just pours out. And it happens to be in the form of tears all over Ryan’s shirt.
     “The detectives came by this morning and told us they couldn’t work on our case any longer and that they had to move on,” I sniffle between sobs, “They barely even tried, Ry. They only did one interrogation and from the stories you’ve told me about work, there should’ve been more than one interrogation.”
     “Well, every case is different. But, they might have done a lot more behind the scenes than we saw. We don’t know how much they actually did to try and solve this.”
     “Whatever, I don’t need them. The crime scenes are still in place and the only thing that’s missing is the bodies of… you know. I will just ask them to keep the scenes in tact a little longer and I’ll do my own investigating, since no one else seems to be able to. Are you in or out?
     “What?”
     “Are you in or out? I can’t do this alone, and plus you have all the things I need for finding fingerprints and blood types and all that fun stuff.”
      “Listen, Dee. I love you and you know I’m here to support you through everything, but you might be going a little overboard with this one.”
      “So you’re out then. I guess I’ll just venture this alone and risk getting killed myself.”
     “Ok, now you’re really overreacting. You will not get killed yourself, you’re just trying to guilt trip me.”
     “Maybe.”
     He looks me up and down for a quick second before saying, “Fine. I’m in.”
     I smile at him with the faintest bit of hope that maybe I will be able to figure this out myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m in over my head here. But, if nobody else is going to try then I might as well give it a shot.
     All of a sudden I’m on the floor with something lapping the salty tears off my face.
     “Snowy!” I say with excitement.
     Snowy always knows how to make things better. It turns out dogs go through the grieving process a lot faster than the rest of us. The first few days after Carson died Snowy wouldn’t eat and he just laid around all day. He seems to be better now, or he just senses that we all need support right now and he is the way we are all going to get that.
     While Snowy likes to think he is still a puppy, the actual 40 pound, full grown corgi disagrees. He underestimates his size and strength. He is also overweight for his breed, it’s probably because of all the leftovers he gets from the restaurant. I push him off of me and get up off the floor. I gently pat the fluffy dog’s head and he runs off back into the kitchen.
     “Well I feel loved,” Ryan yells after Snowy. Snowy has never been a big fan of Ryan. Probably because when Ryan is over he gets the majority of my attention instead of Snowy.
     “He loves you, I promise. Deep down in that dog there is love for you. Somewhere…” I reassure him.
     Snowy wasn’t really fond of a lot of people actually. He only let Carson and I pet him and he would only sleep in our beds and nobody else’s. Now that Carson is gone I get all of Snowy’s attention. While I do love him, I try to get him to go to Carter because Carter needs support right now too. It doesn’t work. He’s by my side at all hours of the day unless I’m working or not home. In that case he goes outside and plays with his tennis ball.
     Out of nowhere comes a shriek of a dog and the yelp of a man.
     I run outside with Ryan right behind me, and find Snowy laying on his side with his tennis ball in his mouth, dead. There is a stab wound in his side. He’s dead. I catch a quick glimpse of the killer jump over the fence with blood dripping off his leg. Snowy probably bit him in defense. He was in all black with dress shoes. That’s weird. Who would wear dress shoes to murder a dog?
     I stand in disbelief. My mouth wide open. Whoever did this is out for us all. I have to take this dress off. It’s bad luck.
     I run up stairs nearly knocking Ryan over on my way past him. I strip the dress and quickly put on a poodle skirt and my favorite blouse. I crumple the dress into a ball and throw it on my floor.
     It’s too much. Everything is too much. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I do the only thing I can think of to calm myself down.
     I lock my knees and...
     Black. That’s all I can see.

     An image appears in my head. Mom.
     She’s screaming, “No! No! You can’t do that. Stop! No!”
     She’s screaming at a figure in all black. They are holding something. I can’t make out what it is. A knife? A gun maybe?
     She screams one last time, “Delilah! Help me! Why are you just standing there? Why?”
     The figure steps toward her.
     Silence.

     I open my eyes. Where am I? I take a quick glance around and recognize the surroundings. Ryan’s room. But why am I in Ryan’s room?
     I try to stand up and end up steadying myself. I am dizzy. What happened last night?
     I leave Ryan’s room and find him making breakfast in the kitchen.
     “Good morning, crazy!” he says.
     “What happened last night?” I question.
     “You decided to lock your knees and pass out. So, I brought you over here because I didn’t want to leave you alone and your dad and brother weren’t home yet.”
     It all floods back to me in a rush of emotions. I almost lock my knees again. But, I think better of it considering I am starving and I smell my favorite breakfast, scrambled eggs and cinnamon rolls.
     “Oh right,” I say.
     “Are you ready for a day of being a detective?”
     “Oh yeah, that. Why not?”
     “You don’t sound too excited. Are you alright?”
     “Oh, I’m fine. Just a little dizzy.”
     “Take a seat and I’ll get you some food.”
      I look around and notice some crumbled sheets on the couch. He slept on the couch last night just so I could sleep in his bed. He’s too sweet.
     Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were something more than friends. No, that’s a crazy thought. I can’t imagine what that would be like.

     I take a sharp breath in. The sight of my brother’s crime scene is a lot to take in. We step into the dimly light alleyway behind my brother’s favorite bar to go to with his friends.
     There is an outline of the body on the floor and a few scatters of blood and broken glass, but other than that it looks like a pretty normal alleyway.
     Carson was supposedly stabbed by whoever killed him, just like Snowy. He had the worst stab wound I had ever seen right in his chest when we went to the hospital to see his body.
     The hospital thought they could save him. They were wrong.
     “Alright let’s get some blood samples to take to the lab,” Ryan says.
     “Alright,” I respond.
     I quickly glance around towards the top of the building to make sure I’m not missing anything. There is a security camera. Wait, there is a security camera!
     “Ryan, we have to go to the owner and get the security camera footage,” I explain.
     “Don’t you think the other detectives have already done that?” Ryan says.
     I give him the look that says You’re kidding me right. “Yes because they did so much to help our case, they definitely did that,” I roll my eyes.
     “Fine then. As long as you ask for the tapes and not make me do it.”
     “Fine”
     I make my way inside the bar towards the office in the back. My brothers have brought me here a couple times before so I have a general idea of where everything is.
    I can feel my heart pounding in my chest afraid of what I’m going to find on this video. What if I know the murderer? What if the camera didn’t catch anything? What if…?

     On the car ride back to my house, Ryan is quite. It’s awkward.
     “I’m sorry we couldn’t identify the murderer,” he finally says.
     “It’s okay. I was stupid to think they wouldn’t have a mask on,” I reply.
     “I’ll take the blood samples to the lab either tomorrow or later today so that we get the results in the next week,”
     “I don’t know what the point is anymore. I mean we already know the blood is going to be Carson’s.”
     “Well, we think we know. It’s always worth a shot, trust me.”
     “If you say so. I thought this would be a lot easier for me to do, in the emotional department anyway. But, I found myself almost falling apart. Why is that?”
     “Because you’re still grieving and it hasn’t been that long since they have passed. It will get easier eventually just not right now.”
     “But I don’t have time to wait till it gets easier. This needs to be done now.”
     “We will go to your mom’s crime scene tomorrow, and if we have time and you’re up for it we can look at Snowy’s too.”
     “That sounds reasonable.”
     “Alright then it’s plan. Here you are,” he says as we pull in front of my house.
     I look into his icy blue eyes. They’re hypnotizing. I could get lost in those eyes if I stare long enough.
     “Thank you so much for everything,” I say, “I couldn’t do any of this without you,” I lean in and give him a quick kiss on the cheek.
     I might be blind, but I think he’s blushing. I hurry out of the car and up to my front door before he could say another word.
     My dad is working at the restaurant and Carter is upstairs so I basically have the whole house to myself because Carter won’t come out till he is hungry. He has been so distant lately, but I guess I can’t blame him. I would be too.
     I make my way to the backyard and to the rose garden that mom planted a few years back. It’s so pretty. Full of yellow roses that bloom all over the place. The yellow seems to take up the whole garden.
     They look so pretty. I just want to--
     “Ouch!” I yelp.
     I reached down to grab one of the pretty yellow roses and it pricked me. They looked so inviting and harmless that they deceived me. I guess even the most inviting things can be dangerous.

     I wake up the next morning to Carter knocking on my door.
     “Delilah, open the door,” he demanded.
     “What do you want?” I say as I open the door.
     I realize that was rude, but only after it came out of my mouth. Carter has never been my favorite person in the family. We always got into fights and we differed in opinion more than anyone else. I have a lot of sympathy for him, but he never talks to me anymore. Except for now apparently.
     “Well, you didn’t come home the other night and I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”
     “Yeah, I’m fine. I was with Ryan.”
     “Alright, a buddy of mine saw you out at the bar and I just wanted to make sure you weren’t drinking away your problems.”
     “Carter, I’m fine. If you should be worried about anyone it should be yourself. You can’t keep locked up in that room all the time it’s not healthy.”
     “Actually, that’s what I came to talk to you about. I’m going to New York for a little while just to escape a little bit. I’m staying with my friend, Vinny. He has an apartment in the city and an extra room that I can stay in for as long as I need.”
     “Well, when will you be coming back?”
     “Maybe in about a week or two. I don’t know yet, I just need to get away.”
     “I understand. When are you leaving?”
     “Tonight. Are you going out with Ryan again?”
     “Yes. Well, I guess I’ll see you in a week or two.”
     “I guess you will,” he walks away.
     That’s the most he has spoken to me since this whole incident happened. New York sounds like it would be good for him. No matter how much I want all my family to stay in one place they are always going to leave. New York is so out of the blue though. Why New York? Why not just a different part of Jersey? Not far enough I guess.
     I see Ryan’s car out front and quickly put on my favorite poodle skirt and frilly blouse. He shows up at my door a second later.
     “Ready to go?” he asks.
     “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I reply.

     We get to the place my mom was murdered, the very back of our family restaurant, and my heart drops. The amount of blood that is on the floor seems like it can’t be real. Does a person really have that much blood in their body?
     There is puddles of the awful red liquid everywhere. Gross.
     Ryan’s voice breaks my thoughts, “I’ll start near the door and you more near the back, sound good?”
     “Yeah,” I reply.
     Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. I can’t do this.
     They never leave the weapon, what’s up with that? This crime scene doesn’t differ from my brother’s that much other than this one is in the back of a restaurant instead of an alleyway.
     The murders don’t differ that much either. Both were stabbed, both in the side. The only thing that differed was we couldn’t save my mom whatsoever. She lost so much blood before we found her, which couldn’t have been more than two minutes after the stabbing, that we couldn’t save her.
     Blood by the bread racks. Blood by the freezer door. Blood by the door to the kitchen. Blood by the door leading outside.
     Red.
     My mom must have tried to get up and go get help because there is no way blood can get everywhere unless you are flailing around or struggling to walk. It’s disturbing.
     There is a shoe print by the back door where the murderer stepped in blood by accident while escaping. It looks like they were wearing around size nines. I’m really good at guessing shoe sizes since I worked at a shoe store in high school.
     “Hey, Ry, come take a look at this,” I yell.
     He comes over to look at the shoe print and his eyes widen.
     “Oh…” he says.
     “It’s a size nine, but I can’t tell what shoe it is.”
     “It looks like a converse print. Who do you possibly know that owns a pair of converse and is a size nine?”
     “Well, both Carter and my dad have size nine feet and so do I but obviously I didn’t do this.”
     “Well then it has to be either Carter or your dad.”
     “Most likely. I’ll search their rooms when I get home because my dad is working the late shift as always and Carter is gone for New York so I won’t get caught.”

     Carter’s room has an eerie red glow from the sunset outside. It’s a mess. Socks and shirts everywhere. Messed up sheets from the night before. He couldn’t even bother to make his bed before he left.
     I walk over to his bed and start pulling at his sheets to make them look neat.  You’d think he would hide something in his bed sheets, but the only thing hidden there is socks that fell off in his sleep.
     I can’t find anything in his room. Other than the size nine converse he seems pretty clean.
    I hear the front door open and I rush out of the room. I make my way down the stairs and into the living room to find… my heart drops all the way to the floor.
     I find a masked figure dressed all in black waiting for me in the living room with a knife sharper than I have ever seen before. It’s just like the one I see in my visions. They approach me and I seem to be frozen in my place. I can’t move. Why can’t I move?! They are so close that I can smell the musky scent of their cologne.
      They put the knife up to my throat and say, “Hello, Delilah.” I don’t recognize the voice.
     I can’t do anything but glare at them with eyes that say, get away from me or I’ll hurt you.
      They give me an equally frightening glare and say, “you need to stop looking for your family’s murderer.”
     “And why would I do that?” I attempt to sound intimidating but it comes out as scared and shaky.
     “You should do that or else you will be joining them.”
     My eyes grow ten times the size they were before. How do I get out of his trap?
     I knee them in the stomach and run out of the house while they cower in pain.

     I run and run and run and run. I don't stop until I get to Ryan’s apartment building. I have no idea if the figure is chasing me. 
     I run up the stairs of the towering building. Unfortunately Ryan is on the top floor and I don’t think I really have time to wait for an elevator. What is also unfortunate is the fact that I don’t have the stamina for all this running.
     I burst into Ryan’s apartment, he leaves his door unlocked from six o’clock until eight o’clock just incase I stop by after work, it must just be a habit after doing it for so long. He’s in the kitchen and is unphased when I nearly break down his door.
     I start talking and telling him everything in between breaths. My head gets lighter and lighter. The one time I don’t actually want to pass out from being this overwhelmed. I have to stay present to make sure the mysterious figure doesn’t come after Ryan.
     I finish the entire story of going into Carter’s room to running here after the fiasco. I can’t breathe. I start seeing spots. I can hear Ryan’s voice and I try to comprehend what he is saying but I just can’t do it.
     Spots. More spots.
     Black.

     I hear a bark. And another bark. And another bark. Is that Snowy? It can’t be.
     I feel a slobbery tongue on my face. I thought he was dead.
     I open my eyes and see Snowy looking down at me with his perfectly groomed fur. He’s barking at me. But for what reason?
     Suddenly he isn’t looking down at me anymore, instead he is lying next to me. Eyes closed. Blood pouring out of a stab wound in his side.
     The barks were cries for help. And I didn’t help.

     I open my eyes, for real this time, and see a light shining in my eyes. I sit up and see that I am surrounded by police men and Ryan is in his kitchen talking to one of them, about the situation I presume.
     “She’s awake!” I hear one of them men yell to the others.
     Then I’m surrounded by a crowd of the men. They are looking at me like I have three heads. What’s going on?
     Ryan bursts through the crowd, “Delilah, are you ok?”
     “Yes I am fine, why?” I reply.
     “You blacked out again and hit your head pretty hard on my floor. I had to call the police and explain what had happened.”
     “Do they have the figure?”
      “They did find a man who was spotted around your house and he was in all black just like you described, so maybe that is the man who attacked you.”
     “I want to see him,” I demand.
     “Are you sure?”
     “I’m sure.”
     I stand up and am lead outside to a police car that drives Ryan and I to the police station where the man is being held.
     I get inside and I’m a little nervous. What if it’s not the guy and the attacker is still out there? Or even worse, what if it is the guy and I have to confront him?
     I’m lead to a room with bullet proof glass. A guy stand on the other side of the glass.
     “Is this the guy, ma’am?” a policeman asks.
     I give him a good scan before giving my answer to the man, “That’s not him.”
     He doesn’t have the same look to him, he doesn’t give off the same sense of superiority the other man had. This poor man just happened to be wearing all black on the wrong day.

     “I’m sorry that wasn’t the guy,” Ryan says.
     He has graciously brought me into his apartment for me to spend the night again. I wasn’t about to go back to my house by myself. My dad isn’t there, he has spent the night at the restaurant for the past week and is refusing to come home. I wasn’t about to be by myself and have all that anxiety again.
     “It’s ok, I just have no clue who that guy is. That’s the scary thing,” I reply.
     “We will find him I promise,”
      But, what if he finds me before we find him? He’s after me and if I don’t drop everything I’ve worked so hard to find then I might end up dead.
     I’m next.

     Ryan’s front door slams. I’m jerked awake by the frightening sound. I sit up abruptly.
     I slowly open the door of Ryan’s bedroom. After a long fight of who would take the couch, I lost that argument.
     No one’s there that I can see. I slowly make my way into the living room. Ryan’s gone.
     There is a note that took his place.
     It reads:
     Calling the police counts as looking for the murderer.
    There is a sharp pain in my side. The pain shoots to the rest of my body. It's like I've been stabbed.
     Black.

     I fooled her so easily.
     I let her think I was there for her. I let her become vulnerable. Then I pounced.
     Injecting the serum in her while she slept in my bed, then watching her rip her life to pieces.
     The simple serum I got from work let me control her whenever I pleased. They normally used it for emergency measures, like when someone is fighting back too hard to give information.
     Using this serum I made her kill her brother, her mother, and even herself. She would pass out then make her next kill while she was unconscious.
     Her dog was just the cherry on top. I used Carter to manipulate her and make her think that someone else had to be doing this. I used him to kill the dog and I used him to threaten her, making her think she is delusional. 
     Why did I do it you ask?
     I did it because I hate that family. Sure, they have provided me with so much, but they have always made me jealous. I never had the full family experience with both my parents and all my siblings. They left me, leaving me hurt, my heart shattered.
     It makes me sick seeing these families so happy. I despise it.
     So why not end it?



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