i bite my tongue to keep
the bitter from seeping out
and staining my mouth and your heart
and you always shake your head in disbelief
as i keep spewing and spitting
not being able to overcome the sour taste that rises up

from my stomach
whenever his name in mentioned
i tried so hard to be good
chasing the spark that flew between us like it was all i had
flicking his name off my tongue
and swallowing the gasp that caught in my throat afterwards
convincing you that we had meant nothing
because you were too proud to lick the wounds someone else gave me
leaving me on my own to sob at three in the morning
deep under the covers
surveying the damage he had done
and shakily collapsing as i tried to inch away from him
and toward you
i went numb
trying to lose myself in the way you looked at me
deciding to let someone else carry the baggage he had slipped off his shoulders so easily
as if he were wiping a speck of dirt off a spotless counter
and with that thought
a thick, bitter smoke
wrapped itself tightly around my novocained heart
and i was dizzy with feeling
after being numb for so long
but you got used to the explosions after awhile
knew to duck and run and never to interrupt
knew that for every cutting word spat out in a voice tight with emotion there was a piece of him that was unlodging itself from me
knew that afterwards
as the flames in my eyes died down
and the burning ache in the pit of my stomach subsided
knew that i would whisper i need you
as you bent to pick up the broken pieces
and a slow smile would creep across you face
and for a second
my bitter, empty heart would feel full again.